tothecoolestgrlintheworld

[tothecoolestgrlintheworld]

Mediocrity

There used to be a time in my life when everything was determined by my ability to do well in school. Now, I'm doing average in school, and I wonder where the person I was then is now; what would she do in my position? I was in the most anxious state of my life at that point, but I was succeeding academically and that was my saving grace. Depression has stuck around, but now my achievements are gone. Will I forever be stuck in the middle, not good enough to make a difference and not bad enough to have help?

Mediocrity is my failure and what if failure becomes the theme of my future? I feel so young, when will that feeling subside? Can I still say that when I'm depended upon to fund my family later on? I'm scared of what's to come because who's to say I don't become a disappointment to everyone around me? Being good enough is hard to feel and understand, and I don't know if I'll ever experience it.

Song of the post: The Archer by Taylor Swift

[tothecoolestgrlintheworld]

Loser

I've never really felt like more of a loser until now. Loser is synonymous with loner for me, so I'm a loser and a loner, how's that for alliteration (it's only two words so it doesn't really work I know).

I spent this weekend doing what I do best: sitting in my room fantasizing about going out and ultimately deciding against it because where would I go where I would be wanted.

I have three-day weekends now, and I thought I would love that. Now I spend three days procrastinating work in my room and regretting it instead of two, incredible change.

I spent Saturday night sitting in the cold and reading. I witnessed groups of people leaving and coming into the building and I had never felt more envious. These hoards found their people and they don't feel as isolated as I do. I read post office by Bukowski and did not enjoy it. I still finished it and then promptly spilled vanilla coke on the book.

Sunday was a day of Veep and nothing else, I went to the dining hall for 15 minutes to eat at 8 and that was the only time I left my dorm. I did no work, which is the opposite of what I told everyone else as an attempt to make myself seem busy. I need to stop reading ff, it's ruining my time-management skills.

The smell of depression and anxiety is in the air and I can feel it coming. I know it's happening soon, but I refuse to acknowledge the upcoming impact my declining mental health will have on me and my habits.

[tothecoolestgrlintheworld]

Lunch alone.

I sit alone at lunch alone more than I thought I would. I do a lot more things alone than I thought I would. I watched a movie in the theaters alone for the first time. I didn't realize finding someone to talk to would become an issue for me.

Watching everyone find their new group of friends has become exhausting for me. I wonder what's wrong with me that nobody wants to talk to me.

It's Friday night and I'm listening to Phoebe Bridgers, alone. I realize I have spent every weekend here in my dorm watching movies and eating snacks I got downstairs, not knowing what time my roommate would come home, that is, if she comes home at all. She's met her group of friends. I don't feel jealous. I don't think I do at least. They tried to invite me at first, I wonder what it would be like if I didn't turn them down. Would I click with them? Would every conversation we have not be as awkward and stilted as it is now? They feel bad for me I can tell.

Since coming to college, I have gained knowledge of anxiety, my anxiety. I can't seem to do anything anymore. I have missed all of my club meetings knowing I can't go back because I have ghosted them. I'm not entirely sure what to do about this, at this point nothing can fix it.

I hear everyone walk past my dorm. I don't know what the feeling is. Maybe it's sadness or jealousy. But I feel something when I know those people have somewhere to be with people to see and I have nothing.

I hope one weekend I have something to do here. I hope one weekend I have people to see. I hope one weekend I don't eat lunch alone.