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05/13/24

unemployment day 3 billion this shit is so ass

finally maybe got a job at a bank's call center. which is honestly the last place i want to work but supposedly they promote from within and the pay is alright so i'll bite

i feel very lonely. i spend a ton of time on my phone in bed and it feels really bad but i don't know how to motivate myself. i feel like all my friends dont give a shit about me anymore. i took a video of myself eating canned mussels (long story) and i was really disgusted by how i look. it's really fucking hard to look at myself after 4 years of working out and hating my body just as much as day 1. i really think i fucked up my life years ago and i'm not a strong enough person to begin the process of unfucking it. and the crazy girl wont text me back. seriously i'm at my fucking limit.

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03/31/24

happy easter. got fired from my job for aforementioned bad decision. i don't know how to mourn a lifestyle

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03/29/24

i told my ex gf that i fucked the bitch that she hates. total fucking idiot move i don't know why i did that! on multiple levels it was a shit idea

1. fucking the they/them she hates was a fucking bad idea. having sex is still difficult and uncomfortable for me, and i wasn't able to have sex with them for very long. i only really did it because they're moving away and i wanted to hatefuck them while i had the chance. it's not like we weren't trying to fuck each other the entire time we know one another anyways. it was more of a mental thing but i wasn't able to deliver physically which was pretty embarrassing. wasn't the worst i guess

2. my ex hates this person because they slapped my ex on the ass at our shared workplace then got themselves fired. this happened probably around a year ago. so not only does my ex hate them, but the rest of my coworkers do too. and now they are likely to feel that anger towards me

3. i told my ex about the sex because i felt bad about it. but my ex still has strong feelings towards me, and feels incredible jealously when they are made aware of aspects of my sex life. so now because i felt guilty, i made my ex feel incredibly bad. that's probably the worst part of this all honestly. i don't know what i thought was going to happen, but she's really fucking upset and it makes me feel even worse lmao!!!! she told me she wasn't going to try and be my friend anymore because i weaponize details like this to hurt her. which feels true. i think there's a reason why i told her that i don't understand. we will come back to this in a moment

4. i told her at work and she stormed off and now my boss is also pissed

ok back to point 3- rationally i knew that telling her would be a massive shitshow that wouldn't make me feel any better and would fuck up everything. why the fuck did i tell her? i think deep down there's a part of me that needs drama or self-destruction or something. i think there's a part of me that hates the happiness of others and wants to see it destroyed. i really can't wrap my head around it any other way. what the fuck is my problem?

i used to have really bad anger issues when i was a kid. it was really difficult for me to control my emotions. this tapered off but never really left until like. honestly. 2 years ago??? i used to have insane mood swings and when i stopped doing drugs they went away. when i feel anger now, i am able to control it better and not use it as an excuse to hurt people. i can recognize when i'm in a bad spot. i didn't feel anger when i told my ex the truth. i didn't feel anything. i just did it and was immediately forced to grapple with the consequences. am i even in control of all parts of my mind??? sometimes it really feels like i'm just running without any thought.

i've been thinking about this a lot recently. it really makes me want to puke.

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03/25/24

after 3 years of inactivity this blog is back ! don't even remember why I made it in the first place to be honest. if i had to guess, probably to get jadynne's attention? but i think it's time to really start putting shit down

alex died last christmas eve and i didn't find out until today. i only found out because a former high school classmate of hers got hired on and told one of my coworkers who also knew her. it's seriously fucked up. when i first met her (2019?) she was a know it all bitch who smoked too much weed. but she sold me acid and we were pretty good pals. i always felt an undercurrent of dislike, especially when she stopped being friends with jay. then i stopped being friends with jay.

alex disappeared at some point during covid. i didn't see nor think about her (social media silence ?) until spring 2023. when i saw her first, i assumed she was tweaking super hard. constant rambling speech totally incoherent etc. she was well-spoken and confident before, and that had all melted away into total blather. it made me upset a little, but i was more than happy to feign shock at her condition. it made sense, though. i assumed it was drugs, but i guess it's just latent schizophrenia that kicked in.

i saw her a couple more times and started paying attention to her frequent snapchat story posting. her life seemed to be a bubbling cauldron of well-intentioned attempts at making a charity, her compiling an autobiography, and total paranoia about the feds. super super fucked up. i laughed pretty hard when she uploaded a series of videos in which she would spray herself in the face with a garden hose each hour in order to make money for some lost cause. she only lasted 2 hours. that video was fucking hilarious. if alex was here, i could ask for it. but she killed herself. she's gone now. i can't reminisce with her about my half-mannequin or laugh at her expense anymore.

zoë has been dead for almost a decade. in oct 2025 it will have been 10 years. i barely remember who i was when she killed herself. i was a worse person i know that much lmao!!! but how much remains ? how much different would zoë be? alex' suicide isn't like zoë. she didn't have a sea of friends to mourn her loss. she didn't die a super cool furry teenager. she died losing her fucking mind, and i don't know those who mourn her. i don't really want to also lmao what a weird fucking thing to bond over

if i succeeded in killing myself i would have destroyed my family. it would have been the most fucked up thing ever. i think killing myself is a bad idea. i'm glad i don't feel that way anymore. i just feel worse in a different way i guess

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do you ever think about this quote by mary lambert because i think about it all the time

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i am pathologically homesick for the lives i could have lived

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Ocean Vuong

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mb for @springdaay

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via weheartit.

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tender quotes:

1.  “The number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it.” (mikko harvey, from “for m,”)

2.  “I still feel like the world is a piece of bread, I’m holding out half to you.” (eileen myles)

3. “Wherever you are it’s okay. You can come back from it. Whatever happened to you down there, whatever the world looks like now, that’s not how it always looks. That’s not how it’s always going to look. There’s more. There’s always more.” (patrick ness, from “more than this”)

4.  “I was making dinner and I got a message. Go look outside, she said, go look at the sunset. My apartment is small, with four rooms and two windows that don’t see much light so I had no idea. I pulled my coat on and hurried out. I was running to this sunset, suddenly the only thing that mattered. I hurried past the taller buildings to the park and the sky was leaking shades of pink and purple. It was beautiful and fleeting, there one minute and gone the next. I would’ve missed it; I almost kissed it. And so I started thinking, how great it would be to get a nudge, a tap on your shoulder, a moment or two before your life changes. Stop what you’re doing and look around, you’ll want to remember this later. In a minute, you’re going to fall in love.” (kelsey danielle, from “unexpected sunset”)

5.  “Today is a day like any other: twenty-four hours, a little sunshine, a little rain. Listen, says ambition, nervously shifting her weight from one boot to another―why don’t you get going? For there I am, in the mossy shadows, under the trees. And to tell the truth I don’t want to let go of the wrists of idleness, I don’t want to sell my life for money, I don’t even want to come in out of the rain.” (mary oliver, from “black oaks”)

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