thisemptyspacewhereyoushouldbe

[thisemptyspacewhereyoushouldbe]

[thisemptyspacewhereyoushouldbe]

Post-Ty Day #8 (but only #6 since I’ve been aware)

There’s fundamentally no difference between writing this now and back when you were ignoring me for five years except the lack of hope that the not-seeing it was a mutable characteristic.  

I feel like an idiot.  I don’t believe in the ability of people to change the outcome of suicide by just having intervened at the appropriate time, but I also can’t stop blaming myself for not fucking reaching out to you exactly when it popped into my head, ignoring my pride and the concern that you’d care that I’m with someone now (which, obviously you wouldn’t, since you were with someone, too. I feel bad for her both for being the one left here and because you have some ex with the gall to miss you and think she has any right to), risking being crushed when you pretend I don’t exist *again* and just seen if you had any interest in going to my med school graduation. 

I don’t know how you would have felt about that invite, but I’ll definitely never know now. Did you die still loving me? What kind of a person preoccupies themselves with that?

All I can do is go back and read all our old texts. I’m listening to all the music we used to listen to. I’m reading about how much I was still hurting over Shauna back then. It hasn’t even been a full decade, and now I have yet another reason to hate my birthdays.  You think I’m going to celebrate next year, so close to the one year anniversary of when you left? How am I even supposed to make its through another year when you don’t even exist on this planet anymore?

I hope SO SO much that you were wrong about Heaven.  I don’t want you to be gone for ever. I literally can’t stand never seeing you again.  And I don’t even know if I’m allowed to feel this way because I see what your family and coworkers are going through, and they were in your life up until the end. I wasn’t. And I don’t know if you wanted me to be.  I really hope you did. I wish you could have let me know you as long as you were going to stick around and let there be such a stark difference between seeing you one day and not seeing you the next.  But I read your obituary, and it sounds like they’re all missing the same person I am. And they know how good you were. I know you never believed it, but I hope you can see how loved you were.

[thisemptyspacewhereyoushouldbe]

[thisemptyspacewhereyoushouldbe]

I drowned every thought but one, and all my attempts to kill it only made it stronger until my entire head was screaming “you never really loved me.”

Two Knights - If It’s Brocken, It’s Brocken (via w3allneedareasontobelieve)

[thisemptyspacewhereyoushouldbe]

You almost convinced me I mattered.

Six word story  (via gothics)

[thisemptyspacewhereyoushouldbe]

I am empty because of you.

Six Word Story (via w3allneedareasontobelieve)

[thisemptyspacewhereyoushouldbe]