thesewordsmeaneverything

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

If there is one thing I've learned since I moved to Australia, it's that you do not get time back and it will pass you by if you choose to stay stuck in a shitty mindset. The days spent inside will never feel as good as the days you choose to go to the beach or for a walk along the coast. a nap will never outweigh a swim and drinking so much in one night that you lose an entire morning will never be worth it. the days are beautiful and fucking short the weeks and months are even shorter. time will pass you by so don't wait for another second to do things that set your soul on fire. breathe life into your spirit and set outside literally and metaphorically. You deserve to experience the sun and the sand and you deserve to feel happy in your skin but don't over complicate it. just decide. even if things are hard even if it feels like you're alone choose to be there for yourself and do the things you know feel right for you. don't do anything for anyone that you're not doing for yourself. read that again.

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

September 14th 2020 sometime after midnight...

troy said that I have his heart in a way no one ever has and I can't help but feel like a totally piece of shit... seeing Vince has been selfish and indulgent and maybe completely necessary for me to become more clear on what I do and dont want from a partner and how to live life. he brought back some of my confidence and I needed that to heal a part of myself. plus hes shown me how much I really am still in love with troy... part of my brain says how can you continue this relationship knowing where your heart is... and the part says it's a bit mute now to not ride it out

I feel like everyone around me is telling me to enjoy myself and I'm trying to but damn my head and heart are constantly running off in different directions. focus on yourself. make yourself happy. choose you. you're the one who you will be with if everyone leaves.

how do you want to feel how do you want to spend your time what memories do you want to make what lessons are you trying to learn can you let go. stop thinking. stop controlling stop predicting assuming just breathe. just relax. all you have is right now. make the most of it. movewith love. live life like theres no. tomorrow and zero guarantees.. because nothing is promised.

own your choices. own your voice. own your body. but let go of controlling this moment and just live it.

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

9.9.2020

my low back is in an incredible amount of pain but I am relaxing and releasing any stagnant energy that needs to be processed. Whatever is being stored or forced out please bring ease and softness to this cycle.

I am so grateful I was able to go to python pool and that I saw all the pools up top as well.

I'm grateful to feel confident without make up tonight

I'm grateful I made it through work.

im grateful to have work and monetary income and financial stability.

I'm grateful I will be able to travel soon

I'm grateful for my friends and family

I'm grateful for myself for being so good at making friends

I'm grateful for a safe place to live and stay♡

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

september 4th 2020

oh man it has been a magical couple of days.

tues I went to the beach w alick and we watched the sunset at hearsons cove and walked on the low tide and got amazing yoga pics. SO grateful

yesterday was the fullmoon which brogan and I went and watched at hearsons because it created the staircase to the moon which was also mesmerizing.

today I called into work so I could come in late and went boating with col. we went to delambrey island and I swam with sea turtles and saw dolphins and 6 whales. it was an unreal day.

I am so grateful for my life and all the opportunities I have been given I will continue to grow and level up.

so excited to teach tomorrow. please bring me clarity in my speech and alignment with the divine♡

bless my family with good health and love.

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

August 31st 2020

mentally I'm feeling really good. I am not yet living my healthiest life again but I am feeling more okay with enjoying my time here and just being young.. I am less stressed and just excited to be living and working and experiencing life. everything is divine and time has never been wasted. just spent on moments.

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

27th of August 2020

I went to 40mile beach with brogan and we dropped MD. it was quite mellow and relaxed compared to the first time I did it. although I was very drunk the first time and high the second... idk it was so nice to have time to think to enjoy the sun and to feel happy. I am really glad I did it because I feel like today I remembered how to be happy still and that is something I've really been missing.

I am enjoying my time with vince a lot more than I was initially. He is kind and thoughtful. I really appreciate all the love we get to share and the cuddles. I am happy I got to meet him here. It has definitely made the days go by faster.

I had sometime to think about troy and it was interesting to compare the way I felt the first time I did md and how I felt about troy to the way I felt yesterday. I am almost indifferent because it's not in my right here and now and I am glad I've finally come to that conclusion.

Overall feeling pretty good. Saved up a bunch of money and I am starting to feel happy about traveling and all the opportunities still making their way to me.. like teaching yoga here on Saturdays. ♡ bless up. I am ap grateful for this life and all the bits and pieces that make my days. grateful for all the compliments I've been receiving lately making me feel good about myself. grateful for the tips and the care from my family and friends. so grateful for everyone and everything. ♡☆

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

August 20th 2020

Today I worked all day and slept in..

I had a pretty decent day... til the very end. When I had to walk home from work which made me feel a bit put out. But whatever. I am just grateful I made it home safe and that I have a place to sleep while I finish my days for my Visa. I am proud of myself for staying busy at work and that I was put behind the bar instead of on the floor. I am happy I am getting experience making drinks and that I received some tips today. I am saving money and making money and preparing myself to be able to travel home and also many other places. I am going to send money back to the states so I can pay off my debt there and continue to move forward in life. I may be unsure of where I'm going but I'm on my way. I have support and love helping me through and I am going to tap into the abundance around me and stay in the flow. I happy healthy and healing. every cell in my body is transforming into my next best self. every moment I am greater. I am moving forward on my path to my true self. I am allowing bad habits to fall away. I am stepping into the shoes I'm meant to be walking in.. I am coming home once again.

please bring love and light healing and hope to my family and friends♡ allow them to access the abundance and to trust the power of a second chance.

♡☆

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

August 6th 2020

Life moves in waves

we must learn to appreciate the highs and lows and not become too attached to either.

I am grateful today for many things

- going to the beach

-a nap in the morning

- eating healthy food and feeling okay about the unhealthy food I ate

- going to my work cocktail training

-for gelato and icecream

-my ability to get ready fast

-my ability to ask engaging questions

-getting to talk to gabbie about her date

-my dream about swimming w sea turtles

- turning in my work papers

- walking around the park barefoot

- going to bed early

- getting to smell a smell that reminded me of my mom

- spending time with cailin 1 on 1

- listening to music and singing w little man

- teaching little man a yoga class to get him to fall asleep

- trevor telling me what's up and being honest about troy

- bringing myself back to the present moment

- taking time to journal

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

August 5th 2020

I am grateful to feel better today. I am grateful to be able to sleep in and have the day off. I am grateful that my last night at onyx was successful and that I got to work with my friends. I am so grateful my friends had a little get together after work so we could all hang out! I am grateful to have transportation and accommodation. I am grateful for the learning opportunity that onyx offered me and for the opportunity that I have at Tambrey. I am excited and hopeful that this next transition and step will be the right one for me... I am grateful to feel wanted and loved by someone again. I am grateful to feel abundant and supported. I am grateful for my friends here, in Perth, and back home. I am grateful to have a comfy bed and that I've taken time to do this.

please bless my family send healing and transformative vibes to them and the US. bring good fortune and abundance to Laura and the studio may we all rise and find peace on the other side of this chaos. ♡☆

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

August 5th 2020

Today I messaged troy a voicemail he left me before we broke up.. he said he didn't know why I sent it and why I didn't just leave him one. and I said I didn't know what to say anymore except that I miss him. and we ended up having a long chat and i feel shit because I didn't tell the truth about seeing someone else and what not. :/ we arent in a relationship but I do need to respect him enough to be honest. I don't know when or how I'll tell him but I will try too soon.. I need to maybe chat w Vincent as well ... actually mid thought fuck that Vincent doesnt need to know anything because I'm a single woman and I'm allowed to do anything I damn well please.. but I think if roles were reversed I'd want to be left alone if troy was seeing someone else.. idk.. I forgive I release I surrender I transform

please bless my family my friends and loved ones the animals and strangers as well. send them healing and self acceptance. love and light.

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

August 3rd 2020

So today I was hungover as fuck and Vincent and I had plans. We didnt end up hanging out til 3 but that was good cause I took another bath and shower and shaved my legs and scrubbed my feet.. then I got to talk to rachy which was so nice. I miss her. Finally headed to vincent's and we had really great sex and then went to watch the sunset at the beach which was absolutely priceless. I loved it so much. After we went to dampier for dinner at the mermaid and it was really nice to sit and eat with someone. hes very affectionate and I enjoy our time together. when we went back to his we watched music videos which seems to be what he enjoys doing and we talked a lot. he told me about being a king and where he was from. then I really wanted to go to sleep and we had sex again but at this point I was not into it so it wasn't as good and I feel so sore. he snores so it took some time to sleep then maybe an hour later his housemate was partying and woke me up and I couldn't really sleep that well after that. then maybe 2 hours later Vince got up to hang with them and I slept for a little after that and had a horrible dream that 2 people tried to rape me but they didn't and after I woke up from that I wanted to leave so I did. I don't think vincent was happy but I am glad I left. the moon looks so pretty and I really can't stop thinking about troy. i still have some healing left to do. I was thinking while Vince and I were laying trying to sleep that I missed troy so much and sleeping with him was always easy. man I miss those days. but im right here right now. I am asking for healing and good health. may abundance flow to me and from me. may the next 8 weeks pass by with ease and may my Visa be renewed and the world as well. allow me to travel and experience more of the world. as soon as possible. bring good health and fortune to my family allow ancestral healing to occur. bless the world. so be it.

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

July 30th 2020

Troy sent me that song that says we dont have to take our clothes off to have a good time this morning..

What timing. I feel a bit uneasy but I am just going to let it pass. I am allowed to do the things that I feel like I want to do in the moment and on Tues day it just happened to be having sex with Vincent.

I dont feel a strong sexual chemistry with him which is unfortunate but I will continue to try to and stay focused on myself and what I need to do to be happy. Right now to be happier I need to relax and not be hard on myself for choosing to enjoy my time. I have been very patient with myself and given myself time to process and not be distracted by sex and I am happy that I did engage in physical connection. It definitely made me feel wanted and seen and I think I've needed that for a while. I am glad Vincent was kind and sweet and gentle with me I think that's a big reason I dont feel bad about it. So thank you universe for giving me what I needed I'm the moment and now for seeing it that way.

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

July 29th 2020

Tonight I hung out with Vincent the hot security guard who reminded me of troy. always have good intentions of behaving myself and I could've because he moved slow but the part of me that's a little rascal knew what she was doing and what she wanted and I took it. it didn't satisfy me the way i hoped. he is so lovely and sweet but there isn't chemistry and i should've known that from the start. that there is never going to be sparks later if there's not something fiery to start..

oh well hopefully my little heart can start to move on.. please let me recieve without guilt or judgement and allow me to process and progress♡

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

Today I took a nap with the little kid I've been watching in Karratha and it was almost like I was astral traveling.. I was watching us sleep and going and doing things while my physical body was still laying there it was crazy I wonder if I can do that again... astral travel

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

April 13th 2020

I am so fucking frustrated with Troy right now that I want to cry and I want to scream.

It hurts me in every part of my being to think that he has once again ghosted me. This time with even less of an explaination than last. How could I let myself feel something again for someone I know is only good in my past :( ugh

why cant he stay

why cant he just be mine

why am I so far away

why must I sleep alone every night

why is there no one new

why cant we just communicate and be there for each other

why did I have to fall so hard

for someone who I knew couldnt be my forever

why is life always giving me these tests

challenging me til I've done my head in

I just cant comprehend

where my life is supposed to begin

only as a me. not a we.

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

it is taking e everything I have in me right now not to message you or call

I miss you so much my heart hurts and my eyes swell with tears often.

I listened to all your voice mails today and I found the one where you said that you missed me everyday probably every second of every day and I've been crying on the beach for a while. I'm going to swim and try to leave my feelings for you in the ocean. I hope one day I can move on and not feel so pathetic. til then and always I will love you troy. you have my heart and I cant seem to figure out how to ask for it back.

[thesewordsmeaneverything]

fuck I miss you so much and I hate that I feel nothing when I speak to andrew now. he used to be my safety net someone I knew I'd always love but now it's not the same and I guess that's a good thing I guess I've grown but it doesnt make missing you any easier. I really wish I could talk to you right now :(