theotherthoughtsofmdsmith-blog

[theotherthoughtsofmdsmith-blog]

Tumblr, Attempt #?

So, here I go again trying another tumblr account. I have had some in the past, but kinda just stop using it after a bit. So I’m trying again, this time just giving myself a place to write, and just write.

I may write some poetry from time to time, likely rant a lot. Sometimes just put my thoughts out there, because I’m a weird individual that just likes to publish his thoughts. I stopped doing it for a while because I was afraid of being judged and frankly, afraid of putting those I love in awkward situations.

While I still worry about that, I noticed that really, over the past few years, my mental health has deteriorated. Enough so, that while I’m seeking medical help, I also just need a safe place to put these thoughts.

So, lets start.

I’m 30, married and have a less than 1year old Son. While I’m married, I’m currently separated. We’re seeking help, but to be frank, the separation is my fault. I’ve had a large integrity...well honesty issue my entire life. And well, that issue reared its ugly head about 3-4 months ago, causing my life to be thrown into a blender.

The issue was this: I was feeling depressed and uh...dammit, what’s the word? Uh...passion-less, ahhh here’s the word. Purpose-less. I was feeling depressed and purposeless and at the time this started (about 6 months ago) I started kinda distancing myself from everyone, well distancing myself is a nice way to put it. I began lying to everyone, lying about how I was feeling including lying to my therapist. I was lying about going to work consistently, I was going to work maybe, MAYBE 50% of the time. And well, I was in a trade job, and getting paid more than I have ever been paid, and in this particular trade, if I didn’t work, I wouldn’t get paid. There was no paid vacation or personal days, or even benefits. So missing work meant that I was missing income, which is needed for my family.

Now, of course, I write this with that 20/20 past perspective. I see all that I should have done, and regret not doing it. But I know that 1) I can’t go back and change it, and that 2) my feelings were what they were at the time. Truth is, I know NOW that my feeling of purposelessness was partially because depression is a bitch. But also because my purposelessness was selfish. Fact is, I’m a father, I’m a husband, providing for my family should be my primary purpose anymore.

Granted, I admit that is hard. For as long as I can remember I always had goals, I wanted to go to a specific college, I wanted to make a specific choir, I wanted to work in a specific area of the US, I wanted to work a specific career. When I met my girlfriend (now wife) I began reevaluating those things, this woman was wonderful, she fit the things I had always asked for and prayed for, she even carried similar (but different) baggage that I knew was something that we could “bond” over and get stronger together at. I also knew she was different than me in key areas that could push me and help me. 

My first mistake is that I began seeing those differences as a burden and hindrance, instead of seeing how it would help me. My second mistake was that I began not cherishing her, not being grateful for her. My third (and worst) mistake is that I began treating her how I treat so many of those who I’m close to, I began viewing her as someone to manipulate. Now, I guess I should clarify, I guess I really don’t view EVERYONE that is close to me as someone I can manipulate. But my general MO in life has always been to use resources, when I was a kid, I’d steal money from my parents to get or do whatever I wanted. I once lived with my best friend and we both smoked weed, when he went out of town for work, I’d smoke his weed because I was out and I wanted some. With my wife, I would lie to avoid confrontation, I would pawn her stuff to pay bills, even making the large mistake of pawning her wedding ring just so I could pay rent. Of course I had plans to get those things back so she wouldn’t find out, but, in retrospect, it would have sent us 1) in further debt and 2) the damage really had been done (both to my self and to her).

So, over the course of our first few years of marriage I had/have broke the thing which is paramount to any marriage. Trust.

So, going back to about 3-4 months ago. My wife finds out that I haven’t really been going to work, and been lying about a lot again. Needless to say, ALL THE SHIT hits the fan. And rightfully/understandably so. My wife didn’t feel comfortable with me staying at home and she needed me to get a job, oh and there were some mutual friends we both had that I couldn’t stay with, to avoid any kind of awkward situation. Unfortunately for me, all my friends that aren’t mutual, do not live in the same area as myself. So, I was stuck sleeping in my car while I found a job.

Fast forward about 3 weeks, I’ve got a job, and I’m allowed to stay with one of our mutual friends who has an understanding of what’s going on. I’m still not allowed to stay at the house, which honestly, I understand completely. My wife is processing about 3 years of me being...well...an asshole, an asshole that would have been kicked out by ANYBODY.

Fast forward to now.

Frankly, I’m not sure WHAT to write at this point.

Truth is, I miss my wife, and I miss my son. We’re at a point where now I get to see him once a week and it may be the most exciting thing to happen in the past few months. I’ve missed him enormously, I’ve missed him growing, learning to crawl, and more. He might be what I miss the most, but barely, BARELY, edging out my wife. I miss her, I miss her smile (even when she was putting it on to try to keep the peace), I miss her curves, I miss her face she makes when she’s annoyed by me. (which I admit, I need to learn to figure out how to process that because honestly, it hurts when she’s annoyed by things that are just kinda intrinsically part of my personality) I miss cuddling with her, I miss her voice, I miss her insight into things, I really miss watching things with her, I desperately miss enjoying geeky things together ( we both really love The Game Theorists) I also really miss sharing our interests.

Looking back at the 3ish weeks in my car though. It does make me think, 1) that I can survive sleeping my car for an extended period of time and use resources around me for basic hygiene. 2) that I’m seriously fortunate to have a roof over my head, a basic place to sleep that fits me (at 6′ 190″ there are very few vehicles that I could sleep in comfortably), running water, and have food to eat. ( I wasn’t starving for those 3 weeks, but I wasn’t eating healthy by any means (i’m looking at you Sodium and Carbs Maruchan Ramen)) and 3) that I’m very lucky to live in an area where there are places that you can spend a day when you’re not job looking, and use their internet for additional job looking and entertainment.

Right now, I’m lonely and uncomfortable with it. But, I’m able to write this using internet, while listening to movie commentary. And I am unbelievably fortunate. I’m also fortunate that I found a job that I think fits me very well, keeps me on my feet, and is a job that I have benefits, paid vacation and personal days, and pays well enough that even in an expensive AF place like LA I could have a decent quality of life. (for the record, I’m not in LA, but I lived there for a few months once and that place is expensive as hell, and I’m making more now than what I did back then, so that’s my reference point.) Oh, and I have a second job to help pay rent since I’ve been here for a while, pay off my credit card (that has been invaluable since this shit hit the fan), and buy gas and food.

Anyway, I think I have sufficiently brain-dumped for this post.

In the future, it won’t always be this long of a post, or even this heavy. I’m likely to write thoughts on movies or TV shows I’m currently watching. Occasionally poetry (because I’ve found over the past couple few months, that writing poetry, even if it’s shitty has really helped me) or maybe something mildly intellectual about story writing or analytical about entertainment. Because that’s how my brain works.

Anyway signing off.