thenewrubyred-blog

[thenewrubyred-blog]

Does anyone even listen to me? I feel beyond frustrated and angry. I'm enraged. Nothing I say seems to be heard so why do I even bother speaking? It makes me want to refuse to use my voice because it doesn't feel like they're listening anyways.

I'm feeling really suicidal right now and wish this was over. It doesnt feel like there's ever an end to this cycle of trying and being disappointed, over and over again.

[thenewrubyred-blog]

Its confusing being on this healing journey. I feel still so new into my journey, and yet so far ahead of others.

On one end, I see so many women, men, non binary and 2 spirit people living such intense personal lives. After overcoming years of trauma, they find themselves in a moment of peace. In them I see so much wisdom and a strength in them. I'm envious of how far they have come, the harmony they seem to embody. I know it must take so much work. I know I'm also working against autism and adhd so it may take me longer to find the peace I need.

Then on the other hand, people don't seem to even know that they are even remotely neurodivergent and just assume that they have real reasons for doing things the way they do them. Then they question me for every decision I make. They look at me baffled and snicker at my quirks. They are so far from reality... but I still feel so stupid compared to them because of their confidence. It's so frustrating...and discombobulating.

[thenewrubyred-blog]

I can't tell why I get so emotional and overwhelmed. Is it because Cait left me a voicemail? Is it because I got emotionally overwhelmed writing that survey? Is it because therapy got cancelled and I hate change? I feel so easily triggered by everything. Im hypersensitive to every comment and look, even if unintentional. I know logically I can't read people's minds, but I've spent a lifetime analyzing human interactions and facial features so I can try to protect myself in social situations and with family. My parents are some of the most passive people I've ever met, so passive that I have no idea who they are as humans. I needed one on one support, and instead, I had my sister joining my parents in 3 against 1 in an effort to protect herself. I dont blame her for doing this. She needed their support too. I just wish my parents would have given me the same care. I remember as a child wishing I could injure myself just so I could get some love and care from my mother. I tried everything I could to get her to care for me. She's just afraid of me now. It's not enjoyable for me to be there or in her presence. I blame my parents entirely for neglecting me. It's not fair that I've had to completely learn who I am and what support even looks like. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be in their presence without it being triggering, and I hate that.

All I know now is that it doesn't feel like I'm getting the support I need. I think I need more, and I have no idea how to get that. I don't even know what kind of support I'd be looking for.

[thenewrubyred-blog]

Today I went to a really inspiring exhibit about the clothes people were wearing when they were sexually assaulted. It was called "What were you wearing?" and it highlights the absolute ridiculousness of this question being asked. Its one of the most common questions victims are asked when reporting to police or physicians.

As a survivor myself, it felt particularly moving and I was really excited to hold space for others. It was so moving and I hope things like this continue to be held. Its so important to show the reality. These topics are hard and heavy, and I would never want to retraumatize someone, but I still think its truly important that we talk about them openly and compassionately.

I learned of an indigenous term today for the absolutely horrible behavior we are witnessing in Gaza. It feels like a medical term needs to be assigned. They call it soul loss. It is how people become white supremacists. Its horrible to see, and terrifies me deeply. And I say that with the knowledge of my privilege because I know I'm white presenting. My size, queerness and neurodivergence do limit me, but I'm not trying to minimize the privilege that I have. I feel helpless in some ways because I know that individually, I have no significant authority to make any major changes. All I can do is use the privilege I have to support others while others also support me. Community is so crucial for our survival, and it saddens me to think that we are that primitive that we feel threat from other racial or social minorities, instead of trying to build something better together. Maybe I'm too naive.

In any case, I'm excited for my "I hope your abuser dies" sticker to arrive. It makes me feel powerful for talking about the things I've been told not to bring up for years. Maybe I'm over sharing and maybe thats embarrassing for some, but I'm truly trying to do this to hold space for others so that they feel safe coming forward. Maybe people don't need me to hold space for them and I think I'm doing something nice when I'm not? Who knows? Maybe that's my inner saboteur talking? I dunno. Self compassion is hard...

Rose quartz hearts for self love and compassion

[thenewrubyred-blog]

If I pull into a nearly empty parking lot and leave a space next to me between myself and other cars, what the fuck kind of sociopath thinks he should drive up and park next to me in a pick up truck? Fucking morons

#why

[thenewrubyred-blog]

It is so hard to advocate for myself medically when:

1. Doctor's make inacurate assumptions about me and don't listen. Our medical system is broken.

2. There is a literal genocide happening and my government seems to be doing anything about it

3. Indigenous people in my own country continue to be mistreated despite hypocrytical governments promising reconciliation for their previous injustices

4. There are people with diseases and disabilities more severe and life threatening than my own

5. My parents have gaslit me my entire life so now I question my own natural instincts

There are many more....but this alone is making this health journey very challenging

[thenewrubyred-blog]

This comment from a neurologist almost fucking threw me today...

Neuro: Well I think if you can even lose 30lbs that will make it significantly better for your health and less likely that this will return

Me: Yeah definitely, its always something in the back of my mind, but until I can start sleeping, eating and going to the bathroom, I don't think it's something I can handle

Neuro: Yeah there's some really good options out there like bariatric surgery, ozempic, and there will be lots of other weight loss meds coming onto the market

Like you realize I just told you I'm not eating, sleeping or pooping, right?

To be fair, before I even met her, I had to sign a form saying that I understand I will only see her once and that I will need to follow up with my GP in 2 weeks when she sends her opinion. After waiting 50 mins for the appointment, she called me in and started our appointment by telling me that she tried to retire 3 years ago but couldn't due to how many patients on the waiting list there were. Like basically just flat out saying, "I dont want to be here, but I have to be, so you get what you get"

Our medical system is so broken...

[thenewrubyred-blog]

I don't think anyone realizes how bad I'm struggling... I realize I have an appointment tomorrow which may or may not prove to be helpful. I'm hopeful, but not expecting miracles

[thenewrubyred-blog]

I'm out of options. No doctor is willing to help me and this world is too fricken awful for me to continue to exist in. Im so fucking tired of being misunderstood and accused. I just want to die. I hate my parents for denying me care my entire life and for making me feel like everything I did was my own fault. I need fucking help and I cant keep waiting.

[thenewrubyred-blog]

I don't understand what this world wants from me...I just want to die in peace

[thenewrubyred-blog]

Today we have our first new moon of the new year 🌚 In honor of that, I want to set some intentions.

With this new moon, I'm letting go 🚮 of...

the fear and anger I have towards doctors and the medical community

the feeling that my level of French isn't good enough or that I'm not smart enough for the department

the need to explain or justify my actions, thoughts or feelings

...and I'm planting the seeds 🌱 for...

finding neurodivergent friends who have similar values

building my confidence at work

mental wellness

abundance of wealth and success for my spouse in their business venture

This is what I desire 💝 so it is, so it shall be ✨️

[thenewrubyred-blog]

Can someone please come kill me? Im ready to fucking go. I cant kill myself because then people will hate me but I apparently am also an ass hole for wanting to die too so it doesnt matter how I feel or what I do. I just want to be done. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE

[thenewrubyred-blog]

At the end of the year, it seems that celebrities, friends and family all want to relive their highlights. While I did have quite a few great moments this year, overall it was fucking rough. I still can't seem to get the health care I need despite begging for it, inflation makes it impossible to afford to live, I'm relying heavily on coping mechanisms to survive (some of which arent the healthiest), and overall I have this immense sense of doom when it comes to our political issues. Our country is divided and there are media sources on either side, insighting violence towards the opposition and then simultaneously gaslighting the opposition to make their rage more violent. As someone who can see the patterns in history, it feels incredibly unsettling. Revolution seems to be on the horizon and no one wants to do anything about it.

This year was fucking hard for me and I almost gave into my suicidal thoughts multiple times. Its exhausting. I'm not looking forward to 2024.

[thenewrubyred-blog]

How do I stop annoying everyone around me? To me it feels like everything I say is either annoying or wrong. I just seem to be causing more conflict. I wish I could just be normal or die peacefully in my sleep...

[thenewrubyred-blog]

I'm supposed to be patient. I'm trying so hard to hold on for a bit longer, but every day brings new defeats and disappointments. People keep telling me that help will come to me...but when? The universe keeps sending me signs and signals telling me that I'm on the right path, guided by guardians, going through major life changes. They are definitely challenging. I keep Lepidolite, Labradorite, Garnet, and Rose Quartz with me. Hoping that they will help me transition through this and navigate this time. I want to be the best partner I can for Greg. He deserves to have a wonderful partner. He truly is the light in my life, my only safe place and person. I have so few of them that it hurts my heart...

[thenewrubyred-blog]

I want to be the best support person I can be for the people I interact with in my role. That's why I participate in the training sessions. Today we had a part 2 of our meeting on disclosures of sexual violence. It just about broke me. To hear all these people in a similar role to mine having all these positive and supportive messages to people that disclose is so nice for the people we support, but it was so not my experience and it breaks my heart. When I disclosed to friends about being assaulted they would blame me for letting him come over or for the way it happened. As if I could predict who is going to be full of evil. Victim blaming was my experience and it was so hard to sit there today. Of course I wish the trauma never happened, but I also wish my friends had received me better so I didn't blame myself for the whole thing and internalize it until I wanted to die. But then if I kill myself, then I'm being selfish to the people who care about me. So it's this constant yo-yo feeling of being a burden and not good enough to also "how dare you want to kill yourself". Like essentially I'm not allowed to have any of my own thoughts or feelings ever. Or at least that's how it feels

[thenewrubyred-blog]

I didn't realize it would be so hard to make friends. Like real friends. I grew up with lots of friends around me in school, but now I know they weren't real friends. They were just using me and making fun of me behind me back. Knowing now that I'm Autistic/Neurodivergent helps me in that I know its common for people like me to have a tough time making friends. I'm glad I met G at least because he gets me and I feel like he does so much better than me in social situations. When we meet people I feel safer with him because it's like he's my proof or my evidence that I'm not a total loser. Because he's literally the coolest and everyone respects him, so they know he wouldn't be with someone who's totally weird. Or at least that's what my brain is trying to convince me.

I went to a market last night for witchy people like me and I hoped that I might be able to meet someone or at least buy a few cute things. Every booth I went to I just felt like I was in the way and uncomfortable. I felt so stupid for even being there. It felt like people could tell I was a loser and I had to leave early. I'm glad I bought tickets for this one event to make a sun catcher because that went well. But the entire time I felt so lost and unwelcome which sucked. I really wanted this community to accept me and I feel like such a fraud of a person. Like I didn't ask to be born and I'm just trying to find a place I belong so I can stop hating my own existence.