themichelleshow

[themichelleshow]

[themichelleshow]

The Memz

I’m currently crying my eyes out after having finished reading the most heart-wrenching story about this girl who finds out she’s got this dementia disease and starts writing down all her memories and just wanted to pen some thoughts down too.

LL & BJS: Saw this quote and sums up exactly how I feel about these guys. They came over the other day and when my cousin asked about how long we’d known each other, also despite me being well aware of the answer, it still made me start when they answered “2-3 years”. It feels so much longer and deeper than that and l feel like one of the side effects of the pandemic was that time slowed down and allowed us to make more meaningful connections.

LL: the little brother I always wished to have, you are the brightest, most accomplished current and future star who literally excels at anything you put your mind to but best of all are the most loyal and caring friend anyone would wish to have in their lives (and there is a whole queue of people to prove it lol). I always say that I instantly warmed to you as soon as I saw your face because you looked (and felt) like family, despite your attempts to thwart my friendship advances 😂 I literally have heart eyes when I see you, bursting with pride at how amazing of a human you are despite all the obstacles life tries to throw your way. You take on so much for so many and as much as it pains me when you bear the inevitable consequences, I always have to remind myself that you’re being authentic to your own self, I just wish that instead of taking care of everyone else so much you would prioritise your self above everyone at least from #2 onwards in the queue 😊 You mention time to time about how you think nobody on this earth really needs you and if you left it wouldn’t make much of an impact, but that is so untrue. You bring so much joy, love and laughter to me and also to many many others and the world would be a lesser place without you.

BJS: I’ll always remember first meeting you over zoom, that contagious smile and laugh and feeling like we were friends from the get-go 😊 It took me a while to maybe properly rely on you for friendship beyond that of a colleague because I didn’t want to come on too strong, even though that’s how the connection already felt to me. I would be asking LL to do stuff with me and he’d be like, I’m busy but you should ask B he would go with you and I’d be like ewww no, nervous you’d think I was being too forward 😬 Nekminit you’ve become one of my closest confidantes and bestie that is always up for all my requested shenanigans (except for influencer parties or a specific numbered musical 😅) I never get tired of being around you, like a constant renewable energy source and I’m endlessly fascinated by all your stories and experiences and despite the many hours we’ve spent together and conversed, you still come up with tales that surprise me. If I describe LL as a bright shining star, he would be the sun, always close with his warmth and rays, but you B, I’ve always considered more like a shooting star, so bright and beautiful yet fleeting. The past few years of knowing you has felt like we’ve been on a limited uncertain time frame and I’ve tried to obtain and appreciate every available moment with you. It’s funny though now that things may be less uncertain, it doesn’t make me feel any less like you’re making your way to another galaxy with a different set of constellations. I still appreciate the moments I get, although I probably shoot myself in the foot trying to pre-distance myself to build up resistance to bearing the pain of the inevitable void of your expected parting. Regardless of where we all end up, you and your friendship have had a major impact on me, pulled me from the orbit I was on and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

[themichelleshow]

Every time, every gd time I put so much store in humans I am painfully reminded of how imperfect they (we) are. Two of my most significant and what I had believed were my most faithful have let me down so hard that it has taken a real hit on me. I know they’re going through a lot and most likely it’s nothing to do with me personally, but their actions have resulted in me feeling less than enough and really, really small. I tell myself that maybe our friendship isn’t that deep and I shouldn’t internalise these feelings of rejection but I also can’t help feeling what I feel. I’m usually pretty confident and don’t normally lack self-esteem but when it’s coming from some people I thought I could trust most in the world, it sort of grinds everything to a halt, my mind doubting and having to re-evaluate everything I thought to be true. It got to the point where I wrote them a friggin essay detailing exactly how they hurt me but made myself promise to wait 24hrs before sending, which I’m grateful i followed. In the time that preceded my deadline, so many messages came through, the first being “Love people for who they are, not what they can do for us” I was so intent on these guys doing something for me and was so ready to withdraw from them (still want to tbh) because they failed to follow through, but is it really love I have for them if it’s based on them providing me something I want in return? Short answer is No and needs to be something I work on. The Second message was that my deadline expired on Divine Mercy Sunday - Jesus Christ’s own best mates did him so dirty and he still forgave them because a) that’s what he does and b) because there was a reason behind why those things happened. If this guy had not done what he did last night, then I may not have gotten to spend the rare proper quality time I got to have with my cousins. If those guys hadn’t done me so dirty earlier in the week, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten to get as close with our other friend, who sings my praises to anyone who’ll listen. History has shown a) how imperfect humans are and as such b) our friends will betray us over and over. Forgiveness is paramount, wanting to hurt them back by no longer being their friend is so tempting but hurting them and ultimately myself in the process won’t heal this pain.

[themichelleshow]

Okay so it’s pretty interesting how it’s nth day into lockdown and this is the first time I’m making an appearance here (at 4am no less) I’ve just counted and it’s 54 days into self-iso for me which blows my frkn mind. Thinking about it, it’s because for the most part, everything is really good, if not better than normal for me. I’m part of a super fortunate group of people whose work is in a massive growth phase during this time yet still allows me to be home. I normally work a late shift and would barely have time to chat with my dad, esp if he had to work earlier than me. I would also have to eat at weird times/at my desk/by myself/late at night. But now I get to eat lunch and dinner with my dad and enjoy the food he has freshly prepared, instead of cold or reheated from a takeaway container. My days are spent with a lot of people I genuinely like on zooms, hilarious chats and phone calls and actually spending more meaningful time together with my colleagues, relatives and friends while we’re all physically distancing. All except for 1 person, whom I would consider one of my best, if not, the best friend I have. Literally have not seen them for months, barely have spoken with them other than small talk texts here and there. Okay so I was a bit annoyed at them (*cough a lot) because of a situation which blindsided me, but now that I think of it, it’s like i should have seen that as the mark of the beginning of “our” social distancing. You’d think that a person who’s been so involved in my life and who I (mistakenly) thought was invested in it would care enough to call or video chat or a houseparty, especially since I have soooo many stories to share and things have been going off at work (in a great way). So finally I decided to swallow my pride and broached the topic to have a call/chat and their response was “there’s not much to update” Ughh bitch plzzzz. My current work bestie and I “type chat” every day at work which is at least 6 days a week for us, usually text on Sundays too and he and I still don’t run out of shit to talk about for hours after our shifts on the daily. I think we’ve clocked around 6 hours of phone calls this week alone which doesn’t include our zoom get togethers/d&ms, Houseparties, extensive ms teams chats, calls and traditional sms. And this guy “doesn’t have anything to update”.. But then I have to remind myself to be sensitive to others and that it’s not all about me, the whole blindsided thing and now apparently they’re on reduced hours could all be connected, they might not want to have to talk about something that is potentially scary and uncertain for their future atm. Or it could be the whole other way where I’m just not on a list of people they’d want to confide in. I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason, I’m just going to appreciate the good I’ve got going right now and hope it leads me in the right direction.

[themichelleshow]

2020 come at me with clear vision

[themichelleshow]

So I have just finished reading this book and am feeling a lot of mixed emotions. I think I also feel a bit scared to post this as well due to the political nature of it.. but this is the first time I’ve read a book based on Filipino families and culture and although obviously contained differences to my life, it’s pretty huge to feel like I’m finally represented. The only downside is that the main character is half Caucasian-American and can’t understand Tagalog or the dialects and also some of the Filipino references weren’t quite right, but this only gives me more inspiration to finally get onto my story ideas - Literary world here I come lol

[themichelleshow]

Ragrets

So I just saw this person I’m sort of vibing on waiting for the same train as me, super random coz it was really late at night and we both usually take earlier trains. I wanted to say hi as I hadn’t seen him in ages, but he was really busy tapping away on his phone. I figure he’ll have to look up eventually when we board the train so decide to just stand and wait patiently. The train finally pulls up, he’s still looking at his phone, we’re the only 2 heading to the same door, he’s still looking at his phone, I open the door and just as I step in he WALKS AWAY and heads up the friggin escalator 😭💔 #meanttobeornah #whatisfate

[themichelleshow]

Winter Things ❄️

What are your favourite things about Winter?

I love the feeling of being toasty warm wrapped up in all my winter layers while the frost and wind is trying to chill me but all it’s doing is making my cheeks extra rosy red ☺️ I also love when we decide to order in and watch winter movies on the couch in ‘pang bahay’ while the rain is pouring down outside. I love how it makes normal activities extra cozy. Ohh I just found out that there is a word for this in danish: Hygge (look it up)

What is your favourite Winter clothing item?

My super warm North American winter coat that got me through the negative Celsius weather. Also I love wooly scarves and snoods and soft supple leather boots but also the suede ones trimmed with soft wool

What is your favourite Winter food?

Ohhh there are so many.. Definitely sinigang, either prawn, salmon head or pork ribs, chicken madras curry with naan and saffron rice from my local, DAINTY SICHUAN (boiling fish, spicy crab, chonqqing chilli chicken 🤤)

Favourite Winter drink?

Gingerbread latte if I’m in the northern hemisphere, back on home turf I’d say probably a soy chai latte (extra pump of chai, extra hot, no water) If I’m sick which happens a lot in winter, then copious amounts of peppermint tea or English breakfast with lemon and honey

What is your dream way to spend a Winter’s day?

Traipsing through snow, appreciating the stillness and magic that snowfall brings, warm hearty meals and soothing steaming cups of joy with my mains

What is your favourite Winter song?

Baby it’s cold outside lol, Winter Things

What is your favourite Winter memory?

I’ve already mentioned it, but the first winter night in Chicago when we braved the negative Celsius snow storm to experience the best pizza ever invented 🍕 ohh also when we were snowed in at Rhode Island and I was annoyed that I had to eat some gross prepackaged meal from the grocery store but it turned out to be one of the best spaghetti & meatballs and fried chicken meals I’d ever had 🍝🍗 Watching the Pats beat the Jets in the snow at MetLife Stadium with my dad 🏈 Also my first mainland Thanksgiving in Indiana was one of the best days ever (technically autumn but it was snowing)

What is your favourite Winter scent?

At home I love burning warm gourmand candle scents like gingerbread, sweet cherry pie and berry waffle cone (technically a summer scent but smells more like a berry tart than ice cream), but also the minty ones like Twisted Peppermint & White Mint Latte. As a personal fragrance, the Jo Malone WSSS has a special place in my winter heart, I feel like it smells better on me in the cold weather and I used it during my winter trips, so it’s nostalgic. For body care, nothing gets past my fave vanilla bean noel body cream (in the green packaging ONLY) 😅

[themichelleshow]

THIS, MICHELLE !!

[themichelleshow]

[themichelleshow]

That kind of heartbreak when your 🔥 IG story content is 23 hours in but that one person hasn’t viewed it yet 💔❣️😩

Me

Update: Exactly 24 hours later they have showed up viewing my non-🔥 content 😩

[themichelleshow]

THIS 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[themichelleshow]

Trust and let that dumb fk go

[themichelleshow]

Same shit, different year

I’ve decided I’m no longer to be used. I’d been blindly letting it happen with high dumb hopes which obviously amount to zip every single time. So I’m putting it here to remind myself not to fall for it again.

[themichelleshow]

Bye Felicia aka 2018

It’s 2019, new year, same-ish me, but with more stories. I almost fell back into my old ways, actually I did BUT you’d be pleased to know that I am once again over it. Okay so almost completely. Like very very close to over. So sue me that I completely freed my schedule just in case they came through but I like to see it in a more positive light in that I still was able to make it to work even though I was feeling super sick. The other good news is that I have a new cast member who I am very much hoping I can promote from guest to top billing. Will keep you posted and pls pray for me 🙏🏼

[themichelleshow]

I miss you though you’re cold

- Around

[themichelleshow]

Figured this song out on the piano today, still not 100% but I’m trying to be okay with imperfection