thel1st

[thel1st]

Why did I say that to him why did I make that mistake I love him I let my insecurities get the best of me my need for someone to be there I let a shit day thinking I needed him get to me when he was all I ever wanted

[thel1st]

My nights been kind of shity not the worst night I've ever had in the grand scheme of things there's definitely been worse but I singed my hair which really did Scare Me I was afraid I was going to catch on fire it's my biggest fear in life is fire been afraid of it since I was a little kid it really bothered me then there was Holly thing person at first he didn't really bother me he seemed like he was a different personality and I didn't want to come off as anti-social or like I wasn't making an attempt like I've been told before even though he did rub me the wrong way with how we was speaking to Holly but part of him was very much projected as some of the people I hang out with or what he was trying to be was like that not who he really is till he started really drinking and it started making me very uncomfortable the way he acted it just part of it reminded me of growing up and how my father treated my mother and then I guess the line of questioning really put me into a really dark place and I had to bite my tongue so I didn't flip because I didn't want to disappoint Jason or Eddy or embarrass them because they both like Holly I like Holly it's their house and Eddie has to see this person again in and it was out of respect for all of that that I chose not to say what I was actually thinking but don't come in here and say you know me you can tell me how to do my life like you fucking know it all you don't know why I looked at home you know why I moved back everything I ever had I work for talking starting to talk down to me like I'm fucking dirty Carney that shit don't fly like if it got a little bit further if it got a little bit further it would have gone to blows and I probably got my ass kicked I don't really give a shit but coupled with the kind of comments that really bothered me as a kid and kind of that questioning talking down really put me into a place that really is uncomfortable for me puts me into memories I have kind of repressed in a relationship with my father in the sense that there was a lot of kind of things said oh most or maybe it was the tone cuz I don't think it was so much the things said in the talking down condescending I'm better than you weigh that really just brought up these memories of these fights were you know I get beat as a kid fairlight stepping in between when he'd let go after my mother and I know it's kind of juvenile to say to put sides on things but I guess the one redeeming Factor of the night was for the first time in my life and it brings me to tears to say this like I had someone on my side I had someone there for me someone who loved me and supported me and with strong when I was getting weak and I felt like I didn't have to fight alone I guess in this world and it really did mean a lot and even if it was just like a little thing and it's a weird place no one's ever been there fore me really in a sort of relationship way or family way not counting friend type of way cuz that's different but no one's ever really stood up for me like that he kind of protected me and or tried two which means a lot because no one had before I really just wish you didn't have this wedding cuz right now I really could use some cuddles it would really be needed to be held right now but I couldn't ask that of him not in this moment I know he says and always has said yeah I'm dumb and I'm daddy all of that jokingly and he'd always said he'd protect me and that he protects what's his but tonight I guess was the first instance where he actually walked the walk I guess showed how much he loves me and cares which is big especially when I have nothing but love for him just like God he's the one for me think God he's gave me that sweet I love you I need it I was upset still kind of am I feel like a loser I feel lost I feel directionless I feel stuck I feel belittled small like it made me feel so worthless especially when I don't see much worth in myself witches kind of made me think if it weren't for him I'd probably feel no self worth I never did before him so the fact that I feel a little is interesting but I feel like I've been knocked down in deflated I know he's stopped posting to his account lately because he's been busy and says there's nothing he wants to post any more to me but I think after this I'm definitely going to lay down read through the Old Post try and focus on the things that make me happy the I love you I want you see I miss yous the afraid to lose you that you matter to me posts because I know he was there but I would really like my man right now and I can't tell him how much I wished he wasnt busy with this fucking wedding I guess i m just being needy and I'm sleepy it's been a hell of a day I hope he knows how much I love him he's my knight in spray painted armor and I'm just glad he was thee for me completely it's kinda a strange feeling tommorow its probably gonna make me feel better than I do right now I still can't believe it

[thel1st]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just want to scream and pull my hair out wtf don’t I get why the fuck when I try I can do anything right like seriously it frustrates me like I stay up till almost 1 so I can tell him good night even when he didn’t say it back bc I wanted to make sure he had sweet dreams and tell him I love him and make sure he was home safe and sound and Instead of leaving early to get money on Thursday I go and rush to his house from work and bring him medicine bc I was more worried about him at that point then getting money from the bank bc I figured I could Friday then I get stuck at work Friday so I couldn’t go and it’s aggravating bc I was going to pay I wanted to pay and now bc I didn’t tell him I was going to bc I wanted to make sure I had the money first I get my ass chewed out its really upsetting bc it’s ruined everything we had going for the past two days and I don’t think I’m worth it for him anymore I never can do anything right and it really fucking hurts bc I fucking love him I try my best it’s not good enough and idk how to do better and he deserves more he should just fucking dump me I deserve it bc he deserves so much more Im a fucking pathetic worthless piece of shit and I’ll never be worth anything or any good and I don’t deserve his love I was stupid for thinking that i deserved to be loved and I was stupid for thinking I deserved someone sweet honest handsome loving and most importantly someone faithful to me I don’t I’m just a giant fuck up it’s all I’ll ever be what should I do universe wtf should I do idk anymore just one I want him to just stop and think like oh I understand you tried and I love you or just say no I’d rather you go with us when you have the money to go and take us or idfk what I wanted I didn’t want him mad again I wanted him to just fucking love me I wantee him happy I wanted him to see I’m trying my best and I want him to not flip like a switch and be mad at me for the littlest thing I really wish I had the money I really wish I had his love and most of all I wish I wasn’t so worthless and pathetic and I wish I had my purpose I wish my life was going right. I wish he got the man he deserves in life instead of me

[thel1st]

I like seeing you get harder when I put up some resistance to you sometimes and u put my in my place with a smack or by overpowering me which is also sexy

[thel1st]

I like the idea of you stuffing your underwear in my mouth as a gag to muffle the sound of your cock stretching my hole

[thel1st]

1 . I want to be kissed right before it pours and it starts raining while we kiss that's on my list 2 I want there to be things you add to this list to 3 I want there to be a random day we have together when you are super horny but not like when we haven't had Alon time in forever bc I still love you and us time and your all like surprise today your just my fuck slave and if I object say idc your just an object today or something and then it be all kinky fucking dominant day with maybe watersports and like other stuff that's not necessarily sexual but like that time you said you were gonna lock me to your desk with a leash and force me to service you while you worked and be your house bitch maybe type thing idk that seemed hot