thegreyhollow

[thegreyhollow]

how are you? i know i made it seem like i hated you, but we both know that that isn’t true. you were my sister too.

i feel like we don’t talk about friendship breakups enough. there’s a thousand different pieces of media telling you how to get over a romantic relationship, but what about the dissolution of a friendship? it’s not like anybody died, nobody’s offering me condolences. it’s not like i got divorced, so what do i do now?

this grief is homeless with nowhere to go.

i tell myself i’m fine without you, better even. i’m not lying about that but i do miss you at times. sometimes i wish i could just pick up the phone and facetime you to talk about what a boy said to me, or the next trip i’m planning, or our next meet-up. but i can’t anymore. you didn’t die but you no longer exist in my vocabulary.

people ask me about you and it sucks that i don’t have an answer to give them. it sucks that i have to acknowledge the fact that i no longer exist in your universe too.

i wish we could just be girls again.

[thegreyhollow]

i heard you were thinking of me. i heard you’ve found peace within yourself that i, apparently, was not able to offer.

i try my best to be happy for you, you know? but i would be lying if i said i don’t feel a tad bit bitter you refused to share pieces of your life with me any longer.

so many things happened to me this year that i wish i could talk to you about. meet up with you over wine or coffee and just have our usual biyearly updates.

how are you friends with her but not me? was our friendship nothing more than a passing phase to you? another obstacle for you to climb your social ladder?

you could’ve reached out to me if you wanted to. you could’ve said hi and i would tell you i missed you. you could’ve been a friend.

but you didn’t.

so no, don’t go telling her to send your regards to me when you could’ve done that yourself. don’t go saying you’re thinking of me even though we don’t talk because YOU put us in this situation, not me.

i loved you like my own sister, but if you are going to cut me off like i never meant shit to you, then keep my name out of your mouth.

[thegreyhollow]

now i’m left alone to deal with feelings that have no place to go.

[thegreyhollow]

the ground bore witness to my sorrow when i fell to my knees after you tore my heart apart as if it was a ball of cotton — feathery light and soft.

my heart was none of those, until i met you.

[thegreyhollow]

sometimes i wonder if any of it was true. the way you touched me, and held me. i find myself wondering which kiss was the last one you gave to me with love. at what point did it come from commitment instead? how will i ever construe love, from guilt? you’ve blurred the lines between these two so easily i wonder how i will ever trust others that come after you?

you were the love of my life and i have never imagined you’d be able to hurt me to this extent. every single day i carry the burden of being the girl who wonders where she went wrong. was i not kind enough pretty enough funny enough skinny enough understanding enough caring enough?

look me in the eyes, and tell me the whole truth. are you telling me the truth? do you promise not a single lie has left your lips since the first time i touched them?

[thegreyhollow]

what do you call it when you know things you shouldn't have known but also refusing to be confrontational just because you want them all to yourself a little longer?

[thegreyhollow]

“but what is grief, if not love persevering?”

[thegreyhollow]

sometimes words aren’t enough to express the complexities of my emotions. when i first went to therapy, i had so many things to say. i swore to myself i would tell my therapist every single thought that’s occurring inside my head but alas, i kept silent. where was i supposed to start? why was i, in my naivety, expecting my therapist to automatically cure me of my sorrow? as if he could turn off some switch at the back of my head and all misery = gone.

if only it were that simple, moving on. as much as i wish i could meticulously erase every single trace of my lover, i know i wouldn’t be the person i am today without the wisdom he brought into my life.

and maybe that’s what love is, you know? people walk in and out of your life but they will always leave footprints in the hallway of your heart. we pick up fragments of each being that passes by. a memory of them acting stupid we laughed til we couldn’t anymore, a memory of us holding hands while we danced, a memory of the first time we made eye contact. we hold each instance close to our heart and they become a part of us, of who we are. it works both ways. knowing that somewhere out there, there are bits and pieces of us, too, scattered in everyone we meet. it’s mildly comforting to realize that every past version of us still exists, somewhere.

i guess i just don’t want to move on. not yet, anyway. i want to keep holding on to this piece of shattered glass that holds my entire future with my lover until the shards puncture the skin of my palm then maybe, just maybe, the pain will be enough for me to let go. until the palm of my hand is tinged blood red, i will leave his footprints near the doorstep untouched.

[thegreyhollow]

love letter to my person

when strangers pass by you on the streets,

in the hallway,

they see your beauty,

and your kindness,

while i see my home in you.

you are a blessing that was never disguised,

i parade you like the most exquisite jewel,

but even that can never fully reveal the expanse of my gratitude.

you make sure i never fail to remember you love me,

you remind me of my worth

even when you struggle with your own.

you know my darkest side,

you even know its name,

you hand me your light,

and i only wish i could do the same.

as i watch temporary people fleet away and momentary romances fade,

you stay right where you are,

a constant equation

holding your hand out to me,

and i know i can always come home.

— 290923

[thegreyhollow]

i want you to love me in this one

in another universe, you’re whispering sweet nothings while i try to hold back my smile. you and i are still in our pjs even though it’s 3pm. it’s ok, it’s only us. you ask me where i see us in ten years and i tell you i’m a mother of two (six if you count our cats) and i’m waiting for you to come back home after your nine to five.

in that universe, you make me breakfast for lunch and we spend the day binge-watching formula one races ‘til our eyes hurt.

in that universe, you and i laugh over the thought of us ever being apart.

in that universe, your eyes are kind and your smile warm when you tell me i am enough. in that universe, lies and doubts aren’t creeping into the crevices of our relationship. in that universe, there is no one i trust more than you. in that universe, you love me.

in this universe, i can only wish it happened here instead.

[thegreyhollow]

i want you to know that knowing you has been very important for me. you were my close confidante, one of my best friends, my biggest supporter (or so i thought). i think about you and most days, i wonder what you’re up to. do you think about me? about us the baggage you left behind? sometimes i am left wondering if the last 5 years meant anything to you. it was genuine and meaningful for me, but was it though, for you?

i miss you, most of the time. i can cope without you, but i constantly find myself wishing i didn’t have to. thank you, really, for the time you have spent with me. for the energy and love you have shown us over the years, no matter if they were real or not real to you. it was real enough for me. i love you, take care.

#friendship breakup

[thegreyhollow]

eulogy for a friend

grief really is a funny thing. it’s like: i hate you. i love you so much. you’re dead to me. why won’t you talk to me anymore? i don’t care anymore. i wish i knew what you were up to. i never want to see you again. i still remember the lines on your face. i don’t want to remember you. i’ll carry a piece of you with me always.

the last time i saw you — i wish i knew then that i would never see you again. a humid october morning after a long night out, i wish i knew that was the beginning of the end.

you scattered hints along the way. it started with your lack of response whenever we invited you out, and then to you completely ignoring me whenever i started a conversation. the last time i saw you — it really was the end of all things, like the long sigh at the end of a sentence every time you’re annoyed. like getting to the last page of a book only to find the words blacked out. like watching ten years of late night conversations and obnoxious laughter dissolve into fine mist in front of my very eyes.

someday, you’ll marry a man i’ll never meet, and i’ll hear of it from people who are not you and pretend to be happy for you. someday, years from now, i’ll bump into you at a grocery store and pretend that seeing you in the flesh did not make me feel the slighest bit relieved. someday, i’ll see you across the hall at our high school reunion and you’ll have the perfect trophy on your arm. he’ll look at you with adoration and you’ll gush about your weekend in the maldives. i’ll pretend that it doesn’t hurt me still. someday, many many many years out, one of us will find out that the other is dying, or already dead, and we’ll pause to reminisce our 21-year-old self promising each other this friendship is for life. maybe then i will matter to you again. even just for a little while. maybe not.

someday, you won’t cross my mind anymore. someday, i’ll stop wondering why you did what you did. i’ll stop beating myself up for not seeing the signs earlier. i’ll stop blaming myself for the loss that you willingly put us through. someday, it won’t hurt as much. the scars you left will only be a memory of what we could’ve had. but today, i’ll say that i still love you, maybe i always will. i wish i had more time with you, but i’ll respect you for choosing yourself. i will love you from a distance, in hopes that one day, you’ll turn around and ring the doorbell again.

[thegreyhollow]

2- Mikko Harvey / 3- @beetlejuices / 4- Ocean Vuong / 5- Sarah Kay and Philip Kaye / 6- Franz von Stuck / 7- Cortes Edouard Leon

[thegreyhollow]

24 is ok, so far

if i had a penny for every time i rolled my eyes when the elders said “orang tua lebih tahu” when i was younger, i would probably have ten bucks.

as i grow older and (hopefully) wiser, i’ve come to terms with several things:

1. my parents do know better

2. not everyone you met at 15 will still be there when you’re 24

3. there’s friend friends, and there’s for life friends

4. my parents are taking the exact same journey as i am, they’re just travelling a little faster, and maybe with a lot more resources

5. there’s nothing you can do for someone who willingly place themselves in toxic relationships so don’t bother trying to help because it won’t work

6. intellectual conversations >>> gossip/boys/new handbags/tea

maybe i’ll update this list the next time i have a profound realization. maybe not.

[thegreyhollow]

would you do it again? even if you knew how it ends?

[thegreyhollow]

my father looks small now. he used to be a force, a giant looming shadow whenever he stepped into frame. my father is not a man of many words, unless if it’s about history or politics, or how much my mother was nagging at him, or how his coffee tasted better yesterday than it does today.

my beautiful, selfless father. he loves, he provides, he cares, he endures. it breaks my heart to watch him grow old. hair thinning and greying, teeth loosening, knees weak. once a force, now a frail old man with his heart in his leathery hands and stars in his eyes when he glances over at mother.

my father is not without his flaws. not without his fair share of mistakes — actions so vile i can never bring myself to talk about them. oftentimes i catch myself anticipating his apology in the seams of our laughter, but he doesn’t know he has hurt me, ruined us. he doesn’t know his sins destroyed my entire perception of him.

i close my eyes, and i am reminded of when he used to tuck me into bed at night, or how he used to bring me with him everywhere, or how he only buys me moma water because i told him other water tastes like ass, or how he caressed my hair as i tell him i love him before i leave for uni.

and so i forgive him. i forgive him for the times i felt betrayed. i forgive him when he whispered his vows and promises to my mother. i forgive him as i watch him drive us to his favourite breakfast place. i forgive him when he starts talking about his plants back home. i forgive him, even when he never said sorry.

and when the day comes when he can’t hold his coffee mug right anymore, i hope he knows i will be right there steadying it for him.

[thegreyhollow]