thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

28/1

Today, I feel okay. I mean of course sometimes I think about my life. I think that’s normal. Yesterday, I had a session with my therapist and I let out all of my feelings and of course I cried. It’s so hard to not think of my life. Life is hard and scary too. But we as humans have to live with it. Im too tired to live anyway, theres no point of me living in this world. Im not saying I am not grateful to be alive and healthy but sooner or later, we will die anyway. Death….to think of death is scary but we’ll end up experience it btw. The afterlife and what not, of course I think of those moments but lets not talk about it. Its not part of the issue. Everyone has its own ups and downs and my ups and downs are different than anyone else. I do keep on saying life is hard, life is hard and bla bla. To be honest, life will always be hard no matter what. I have my ups n downs, these past two weeks, I feel heavy. It was hard for me to control it, I cannot handle it, it is too much. But to take medication to make me feel calm, i dont think it is a good idea to rely some medication. Plus it gives me addicted once I take it, which i know it is not healthy. So I was thinking whether if I should prescribe it or not. I think the answer will be I should keep on meeting my therapist til I get better. I know it will cost alot but sigh… I want to be better and be happy again. I want life to be back to normal again. I know it takes time but I have to be patient. I may not be patient but im trying my best to be one. Heh, being syazana is hard cus I am very impatient. Anyway, I had a dream about my mom and that dream was not a nice dream. It was a bad one and it felt like It was real. I am not sure what was my dream trying to say but I dont want to lose my mom. I know people will die anyway but i am just not ready yet. Its so hard nowadays….trying my best to live.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

I was looking through my Facebook and my auntie uploaded a picture of my mom. Suddenly, I broke down into tears. And that tears…. Ive never cried as much as I could. I can feel it hurts so much. I couldnt breathe, I tried to control my emotions but it was so hard to control. The breathing part was hard. I honestly couldnt breathe. I miss my mom, I miss her alot. Why cant she goes back to normal? I cannot wait to meet my therapist, it hurts so much. I thought I was going to be okay. I tried to distract myself doing something else but it wasnt working at all. What is happening to me? Is it all my fault? Why am I broken? I feel like I am broken into pieces and I feel like my session is not helping me or I am not committed enough? Im trying my best to focus on myself. I feel so I am worthless enough to live. I am just so tired of everything. I hate crying, I dont want to cry again. Its hurting me alot. Why is it hurting me? Oh my god, I cannot breathe now. Ive never had this feeling, this feeling u cannot breathe at all. Ur heart hurts alot and it makes me cannot breathe at all. Tried to inhale exhale but its not working at all. What is this anxiety? Depression? I dont know. Ive never cried so hard.. i havent cried alone for so long. But this crying hurts me alot. It pains me, it suffers me til i cant breathe until now.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Its so crazy…crazy that I am still alive. I feel like I am worthless, life had no meaning to be alive. I am grateful that I am still alive and breathing but its just something is missing? And I know it is not about love or whatever u call it. I just need affection from my loved ones and thats about it. I cant sleep and I keep thinking about my life. I am still thinking what am I gonna do with my life? How is my future going to be? What about my past? I keep on thinking about my future, past n present, I dont know what is going to happen to me this 2024. Am i going to be okay? Will I land a stable job this 2024? Is life going to be better than other years that I went through? I dont know, I will not know what will happen to me? Last but not least, what will happen to my mom? Is she still alive or ….. i dont want to say. I miss her alot. Sigh, life was much better though i had mild depression before I quit my job. My mental health is affecting me esp my health condition. I havent had proper meal lately… eversince my mom not feeling well. I guess thats normal. Ive been going out alot by myself and sometimes I had my lunch or breakfast alone but I didnt have the appetite to eat… so, i force myself to eat or just leave it there so I can reminiscing my life. I know its a waste of money but thats the only I way i could distract myself. Going out alone makes my mind ease but sometimes not. As usual, reminiscing my life. Life is hard and why do we have to deal with it? Becus thats life! Ha! Is my depression getting worse or getting better? I dont know actually. I honestly cant tell. I have so many things to jot down but It is so hard to describe it in one go. I am currently listening to spotify while doing my journal. I guess journaling helps me.. or not. See? I am very unsure of myself, is my condition getting better? I honestly dont know. Why am I very unsure of myself? Why am I lacking of confidence? Why is my self esteem is so damn low. I am trying best to gain my confidence but it is not working? I am very impatient when it comes to the outcome. I need to fix it now but i just dont know how. Life is difficult and its been bugging me alot. I feel like i lose hope to God. sometimes i feel like it is useless of me to pray 5 times a day? I know i know. I feel like an idiot right now but i am so mad of myself now. I am upset of myself. I dont want to hurt myself but i am hurting myself for not having an appetite like i used to. It makes me sad of myself. The more I age or grow up, the more I become unhealthy of myself. I do exercise but it helps me to forget my sadness. It does help but at times, it doesnt. I feel unhealthy of myself. I didnt have enough rest, ive been going out every single day. Its so unhealthy, by unhealthy means my mental health. I am physically and emotionally tired of being myself. Sometimes I wish I was someone else but sadly, I am still me. Thats life anyway, keep going forward and dont look back. But thats a lie, i still look back. Sigh.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

I dont know this feeling but why do I feel sad? After I found out ur username not appear on my chats. I dont get this feeling, should I be sad about it or should I not be sad? What is this feeling? I have mixed feelings when I found out ur chat is no longer on my chat???? I feel….heartbroken??? Sigh… but why? What did I do? It is not like I am stalking u or whatsoever. It is just sad, I just want us remain to be friends. Thats about it…. I shouldnt be sad about it? Am i? Should I text my therapist? But its such an appropriate to text her late at night. I cant want to meet my therapist next week. I feel sad when I found out about it. Why is that? Here I am overthinking… why am I overthinking? People come and go into our lives and I have to accept it. Oh I cant wait to meet my therapist, its happening again 😭. I dont want to overthink about this but its in my head all the time. I thiught I was okay but no I am not okay. Tell me what is going on with me?

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

1/6/2024

Today, I met my therapist this morning. So I let out everything my feelings this week. It was a good session and it felt so good to meet her. My day was alright today, I did errands after I had my session. I celebrated my friend's birthday which is her birthday is tomorrow. I miss my colleagues... I miss working. I do miss alot. I hate staying at home doing nothing, applying jobs and no answers from any companies I applied. Right now, I'm trying to focus on myself but at the same time, I've been distracted. I've been thinking alot...lately. I've been thinking about my situation and I tried to distract myself but I couldnt. I tried to forgive myself but I cant seem to forgive myself. I blame myself for everything. I would say I hate myself but at the same time, I couldnt hate it?? What's that supposed to mean actually? I just hope going to therapist works for me. I dont understand why my family against it? It is not about changing myself. I also talk about my family, my mom, my problem and yada yada. Sigh.. I wish they could understand me though. I hate it if my family keeps asking me how was the session and they would negative feedback about it. I am so tired, I went out the whole morning til afternoon. As much as I dont wanna go to the hospital but I have to. I am too tired, my brain is too tired to digest everything. Why is my life so fucking hard? Why can't I be normal like anyone? Yes, It is true, everyone has its own hardships. But, why do I feel like I cannot solve my own hardship? Why cant I ease my mind? Im just tired, when will this be over? I hate crying over stupid stuff and I hate being sad every single day. Day by day, it's getting worse. I hate it. I fucking hate it, I wish I could scream but I cant. I want to ease my mind off by trying to go for a run. But I am too tired and my energy is drained. Why is my mental is getting worst after I met my therapist? Is this normal? or is it just me? I am fucking tired already. I dont even know how to solve my own problem. I should be grateful that I live. Yes, I do feel grateful that I am breathing today but something is bothering me. I couldnt find an answer to solve my problem? sigh. I dont know anymore.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Tomorrow’s the day, I’ll be meeting my therapist. I am nervous but I do wanna meet my therapist. There are alot of things I would like to talk about with her. There are days, I feel fine and somedays, I feel shit. There are times, I feel guilty after what I did and it makes me sad if I think about it. But, sometimes, I still blame my family to quit my job and I should have not listened to my family when they told me to quit my job. Look where am I now? No job and broke as fuck. I dont know what to do anymore. I have nowhere to go. I am too tired to think. I am tired looking at my mom’s condition. Sometimes, I wish she was gone, it hurts to see her. I wonder, was it my fault my mom went through this? I still remember my sister said to me my mom’s condition was because of me. Until now, I feel guilty and keep questioning myself, was it really my fault? I do believe in Allah’s plan and yes, it is true Qada and Qadr is in Allah’s hands. But was it really my fault? It makes me lose hope on everything. I wish I wish I didnt even exist in this family. I didnt even want to see my mom in pain. It is not me who plan this plan that. If I knew about it, I would’ve avoided it. I hate myself and it makes me mad of myself for being like this. I am hurt, I am sad. Nobody understands me, why is my life so fucking hard at my late 20’s??? I should be enjoying my life, i should not be sad of life at my late 20’s??? I am still single, no job, broke as fuck. What am I gonna do with life? As much as I want to give up on life but I cant do anything about it. I have to live with it every single fucking day. Fuck, I am so tired to live!! Why cant I just be fucking happy like others?? I am just so sad now, I feel down tonight and I cant sleep just to think about it. What did I do that makes me not happy with my life? I just…. I just want to be happy. I am tired of being sad everytime, i fucking hate it. It hurts so much to see myself being sad. I hate being fake, faking myself for being happy, normal person. When the fact that I am not???? I dont know what to do anymore, I am tired. I have nowhere to go. Should I blame myself for listening to my family? Should I blame my family for quitting my job? The answer is I DONT KNOW. I am 27 years old, I should be thinking straight not listening to what other people said. I should be independent and not give any single fucks what people talk about u or listen to what people said. Like “u do this,u do that” NO. I should listen myself and solve my own fucking problem. Sigh, but its too late now. I cannot wait to meet my therapist tomorrow. Trying to sleep and forget my problem. That’s about it.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

I dreamt about you again….for the third time. Weird…. I keep thinking of u every single day. I hope I could see u again even though u’re not mine and I am not urs either. But that’s fine, I think it is for the best. U have ur own life and me trying to focus on my life to be on the right track. But isnt it weird that I miss u so much? U texted me out of the blue and I wasnt sure of myself whether to reply to ur text or not. But of course, I replied to ur text (duhh). I sometimes wonder, did I dissapoint u after what I did behind ur back? I am sorry. I really am, I shouldnt be saying sorry but I just feel like I wanna say sorry to u. As much as I want to keep u F, but it is to risky for staying with u. I wish u could keep me and protect me but it’s too late. I just want u to protect me, is it too much for u? I know I know it is not ur fault I am being like this. Life has been too hard for me to handle, sometimes I want to cry but I couldnt. Im too tired of being myself. My question is u shouldve kept me, u could have protected me…. Why? I wanted you so bad though we can’t be together. I know u and I are nothing but I needed u. I wanted you m. That’s all. I know I sound so crazy, call me crazy but I guess I am. I miss you. My last wish will be I wanna see you again whether in public or not. I dont mind at all.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

2024

Happy New Year everyone. I hope everyone had a blast New Year, while me staying in a hospital. It’s 3:16 am and I am wide awake. Tried going back to sleep but I couldn’t. I hope 2024 will treat me right and better version of myself I guess. Yeah, I hope so heh. Last year was tough, I had a shitty year and I hope this year would not be so tough as last year. I just want to be happy and dont want to be sad anymore. Sometimes I dont know what to talk about, I tried to let out my feelings. But I think I let it out everything. Just trying to improve myself and forget my past which I cannot forget about it. But one day, I will forgive myself and move on with my past. People say forgive and forget. Well, honestly, you can forgive but forget about it…wont happen. Started my January 1st with sadness, I miss my mom. I do miss her alot, she’s still alive but physically, she’s not with us. It is so weird, losing someone you love the most. Everyone celebrated their new year with happiness. While me, sadness. Sigh. I wish my life would be back to normal. I just miss my old self. The healthy me.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

I went to see my therapist today and the session went well. I had a conversation with her about this guy. I did my research the meaning of “Narcissistic”. Now, I understand the meaning of narcissistic, I guess it is true. He is one of them 😅 sigh, it is driving me crazyyyy. But to let him go is…hard. I dont know why is it so hard of me letting him go? I mean I guess it is for the best and my future and my mental health as well. But I am afraid….why am I afraid? What my Therapist said to me was right, it is my choice…. If I stay, for how long? But if I stop seeing him, what am I afraid of? It’s stressing me out huhu. Sometimes I wish I never met him, but it is too late. Sometimes he’s nice and sometimes he’s being an asshole. Which makes me feel like I do not want to reply his text. Yes, It is true I had feelings for him but eversince he made my life fucked up. My feeling has changed. So I told my therapist everything about him, almost everything. The only thing that I can move on with a new life is to leave him. I am trying my best to leave him…slowly. After I had a session, my dad picked me up. He said to me why do I need to see therapist? If I want to change, why would u need suggestions from a therapist? U need to change by urself. The thing is they dont get it about me, the reason I went there is becus of everything. It is not always about me and my situation. It is also about my family. Sigh….. this is Bruneian’s family mindset, they dont care about their children mental health. I am just done, it is my decision anyway to seek help from therapist.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Last week 21/12, I went to Clarity to get help. I couldnt help myself anymore, I keep thinking about my situation. Every single day. So my friend encouraged me to go to Clarity. I’d be lying if I wasn’t nervous cus I was damn nervous. I even thought of myself “is this going to be okay? If i tell everything about my situation, would this be on my medical record? And yada yada” I was overthinking alot and my friend calmed me down. Thank god without him I wouldn’t be so brave to go to Clarity. So while I was having my lunch with him, I tried to call Clarity and texted them. But there were no answers, I wanted to give up and my friend told me to go their office, which we did….. took 2 hours while waiting for them to attend us 😓 heh. After 2 hours, I went to meet the psychiatrist and asked her if she was available today. Sadly, she was fully booked til late night (damn I know). So i asked her if there any psychiatrist available today, she told me most of the therapists were on leave due to Christmas (silly me). Then Alhamdulilah, my other friend recommended me this psychiatrist but different branch. I tried calling her first but she didnt pick up, after few mins, she called me back. So I asked her if she was available today, she said she can meet me at 4:30 pm and I agreed. So I went home to freshen up and dad called me and he was asking me where did I go. So i had to tell him the truth and I cried infront of him. So he agreed and told me to meet my therapist. So yeah, met my therapist and told her everything. My case, my mom, my family, my life and I vented out everything. She told me I have PTSD due to my case and we talked for about 1 hour or more I forgot. She told me to take the depression test and the results were bad. She said she thought I had stress and depression. But sadly, I was diagnosed as Depression, Stress and Anxiety. But it felt good to vent everything from ur shrink. I think it was a good decision of me seeing Clarity but I wonder after the 6 sessions I go through with her, what if it didnt work out? What if I am still the same? Which I am worried about. Of course my siblings didnt agree with me seeing therapist. They said do u even have depression? What kind of counseling are u attending? Sometimes people dont know if ure okay or not. They see us we’re okay but deep down we are not. This is Bruneian’s mindset, they said pray to Allah, I did pray to Him. But it is still the same? So I decided to go on medical treatment. They said meet Ustaz and tell them u want to change and all? This is Malay mindset. Sigh, whatever Fuck them anyway. I just want to get better and new version of myself. So I will be seeing my therapist next week Wednesday and I hope it goes well. I just want to change myself and focus on myself. I hate the old me, the overthinking, pessimistic person. I have to admit, my thoughts are all negative and since I was a kid, my thoughts were all negative. I dont know why but I guess my parents were never supported me when I was kid? I dont know. But anyway, i guess it was a decision meeting my Therapist. InsyaAllah, 2024 will be different and going to better than previous years. Aamiiin.. ❤️

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

It is sad when u lost something that’s important to u. I’m trying my best to move on and forget my mistake but I couldn’t. I’ve been thinking about you my unborn child, I know I did not give u name but I miss you. I may not know how u look like but I held u when u came out of inside me. It’s been two months I lost you. I can’t stop thinking about u, I just miss u so much. How I wish I could keep u. I have to be strong and forget the incident.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Things get tough lately, How I wish I could rewind those back time where the first time I met you. Do you know that I miss you? Isn’t that weird? cause I do find it weird. Sometimes I wish I met you first… yes how I wish I could rewind but I couldn’t sadly. If I get to know u first, my incident would not happen. Sigh… it makes me even sad that we’ve stopped seeing and texting each other. I miss you anyway.. Birth control is driving me crazy right now.. it’s stressing me out… It is making me crazy. I just wish we could’ve met earlier….. i know u have a life and I have a life too. But that doesnt mean I dont miss u? Sometimes I do wanted to text but at the same time, I dont think it is necessary for me to text u. I just miss u. Things would have been better if I met you first. I tried to forget you but I couldnt…. I dont know why. What is wrong with me? U are not worth it anyway. U may not worth it but I keep thinking about you. Weird huh? Sometimes I wanted to text u but at the same time, I do not want to disturb u. That’s cause I know u’re busy with ur life. U have ur own life and me.. yes, I have my own life too. I’ve got other things to take care of. It is just I’ve been thinking about you lately. I tried to distract myself with my daily routine but I failed. I still think of you. So, How are you F? It has been awhile since we last met and talked. It breaks my heart anyway… that we’ve stopped talking and seeing each other but that’s okay. It is life anyway. People come and go into our lives but I hope I get to see you….again. Hope is just a hope and I know it will not happen. Why do I feel sad? I miss u F.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

My unborn child, I am sorry I couldn’t keep u. I am sorry for throwing u away but I know U will be happier rather than staying alive. I love you, no matter I dont know how u look like. Though, I carried you for 4 weeks my child. I don’t even know ur gender, I am so sorry for not taking care of u. I am not ready to be a Mother of ur child.. I am still young and there’s so many things I would like to try out there. I am so sorry my love, throwing u away just like that. Just so u know, Mama will always love u no matter what. U deserve so much better than me… yes u were an unwanted child but I wanted to keep u, I did my best but sadly, I couldn’t keep you. I may not keep u but I will always love you my child. U are my first, will always remember that. But don’t worry, I will always remember you. Love you my child and u deserve better.. It’s so sad that I lost you….. when I found I was positive, I didnt know what to do….i really dont know. I was speechless and i did think of how am i going to tell my family about it. Sigh… I wanted to keep you, I know u have nothing to do with this. That is the reason why I wanted to keep you, I was imagining myself holding u, caressing you, loving u. Ahhh but..thats in the past now…. i guess ur mama has to move on with her life. But dont worry Child, I will not forget about u. I will always remember u and u will always be my first Child. U maybe an unwanted child but I love u with all my heart just like love at first sight. Life has been tough lately, I sometimes think of you. And it makes me even more sad that I couldn’t keep you. Maybe there’s a reason why I cant keep u but thats okay. I have to accept it and forgive and move on…. Love you always, Rest Easy my Child ❤️

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Eversince u texted me, I have mixed feelings and got me thinking of u lately. I used to have feelings for u and adored u but sadly, I cannot have you. I know you're taken and I am single. We see each other as friends, as much as I want to keep u to be mine but I dont think its healthy for us to keep each other safe. It's bothering me when u said to me last night, I shoud've met u sooner. Sigh... I miss u alot. I dont know why but I've been thinking about u lately. That's the reason why I texted u, I just want to know about u. 3 months of knowing u were amazing, it's just so sad that we cannot be together. I did have feelings for you, its just I didnt tell u earlier. How I wish I could keep u F haha. I know in the end, we would stop seeing each other and texting like we used to. sigh, I miss u alot. I dont know why but I've been missing u alot. U're a good friend to hang with haha well u are. giving good advice and such. I am going to miss u. alot.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Hey F, I know u are not reading this but I miss you. I miss texting and seeing u every Saturday afternoon. I was reading our old convos and damn, I miss u. I really am, I know we’ve known each other for only 3 months but 3 months of getting to know u was the best. Though, I dont know u well enough and U dont know me that well but i feel safe everytime I see you. I dont know why. It hurts knowing that we both stop texting each other…. i know u have a life and family and I have a life and other things to take care of. It’s just I miss you…where are u anyway? I texted u but no replies. Sigh… I dont know why I feel sad about it. 3 months of knowing u… our first date or not a date was watching Oppenheimer ahha. Yeah, those memories I will not forget. Everytime I think of Oppenheimer, I would think of u. U were the reason why I want to watch it lol. It is so sad that u left for no reason…. No goodbyes, no reasons, Nada. I just wanna know where are u F? Can I atleast see u again? Or atleast we still text like we used to? I just wanna know ur whereabouts? Ive been searching for u everywhere. I am trying my best to forget about you but I couldnt. I feel safe whenever I’m with you. Where are u? I miss u, I really do. U can call me crazy but I miss u. Its not about feelings, maybe i did have feelings for u but i just missed u. It hurts alot, u left with no goodbyes. Sigh… I hope we are still in contact… I hope. I just wanna see you again F. I hope we bump into each other again F. Goodnight Xx

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

D-15

I've been staying in a hospital for 15 days. I miss home. I miss my life. I miss my family. I miss my mom especially her food. By looking at her condition makes me feels sad, it is so heart wrenching to see her. But oh well, there must be a reason and I have to accept it. My family and I have to face what we have been through. I have to admit life has been tough, there are good times and bad times. Life has its ups and downs and of course, we have to face it. I am running out of words and thoughts....I just dont know what to say anymore. Sometimes I do want to give up but there are times I dont. I have to be strong, that's what people told me. I need to be strong.... dont we all do? I am physically and mentally tired....

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Life is beautiful. Life has its ups and downs. And my life is currently into pieces…but trying to fix it as soon as possible. I know it takes time and I have to face it whatever the consequences. I believe in Allah’s plan and His Miracles. But trying to be patience is hard. It is actually hard. There are time I do feel like giving up but I just cant give up like that. I need to be strong, people keeps on telling to be strong. I am trying my best to be strong especially my situation rn that I just cant accept it. God is trying to test me and my family. It’s a sad situation that we cannot accept it or trying to accept it. Sigh.. I had to quit my job becus of that shitty people who’s trying to ruin my family’s life.