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I found you, and then I lost you.

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I’m feeling really happy today. Just really appreciative of everyone and everything I have in my life right now. I need to remind myself more often how blessed I really am.

4.9.23

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“There are two types of people you will meet in your life. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts of you that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe unfold corners of you that inspired them most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It is the third that you’ll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book.”

— Unknown

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Alive pt2

Just finishing where I left off. When I initially started this a couple of days ago I was going to write about how I’ve been considering using dating apps and to put myself out there to meet new people. I wanted to explore and be in a relationship. Sitting here now, I’m deciding against it.. As much as I want to be in a relationship, it can’t be forced or chased. I’ve never believed that you could form a genuine bond with someone you meet over an app. It’s kind of like cheating destiny, where you would have never met them if you didn’t use a tool to beat the system. I do believe in true love, and I did lose sight of it for a little. The real reason I was considering using those apps was because I’ve just been feeling a bit lonely. I just want to feel what it’s like to be in a relationship, to have someone like you back. I’ve just been kind of in the mood lately and maybe that’s what started that idea. I felt like I needed to just hook up with a girl to see what it feels like.. to experience sex, to feel what it’s like to be wanted, even if it’s just in that moment. I wanted to feel what it’s like to pleasure a girl, to have her pleasure me. Sex really has been on my mind all the time lately and I honestly don’t know if that’s normal. It feels like I have the hormones of a teenager again.. and I had forgotten what it’s like to have a sex drive. Somewhere along the way I had lost it.. and didn’t even realize it. I think that whole time I was numb, I really was to it’s fullest. Now that I’m feeling things again, I’m feeling everything. So yeah, I do want to experience new things, to be in a relationship, but it really can’t be forced. I am scared though, that what if I do meet a girl and we hook up, that I’ll fall for her for all the wrong reasons and end up wasting my time. Just been thinking a lot lately, about my past, my present, and future. About who I’ve become, and who I’ll be in the future.

Also about that girl.. the one who’s been on my mind these past 6 months.. I just value our friendship too much to jeopardize anything again. She means too much to me. Would I have wished things were different? Of course, but after losing her, I realized I’d rather have her in my life, than not at all. I think I do still have an ounce of hope left, but it will stay there buried and locked up. And hey, you never know, if she ever decides to give me a chance, she’ll have the key.

All I know is I’m happy, and just going to enjoy every moment like it’s my last. Life is too short, tomorrow may never come, and I don’t ever want to live with regrets.

3.24.23

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To let go

I really don’t know what it is that I’m feeling. Some days I feel a sense of apathy, others I feel everything. My mind is so chaotic right now and I wish it would just calm down. I feel this urgency to start my life already, but maybe I’m looking at it all wrong. My life has already started, it has since the day I was born. I’ve always felt like I can finally be open to life, to let myself experience everything once I find a girl that is worth it, a girl to start my life with. But that’s wrong.. you don’t start your life when you finally meet someone, you invite each other into your own lives, and create a new one. The saying.. “to let go” has constantly been on my mind, and it’s something I try to remind myself of everyday. I’ve had a lot of trouble understanding how exactly it is I’m supposed to do that. I’d tell myself to let go of the past and move on, but i never fully could. It always felt like … I wasn’t finished yet, that things were left incomplete, that things were still broken, so I never could. And that brings me to closure. Maybe that’s what closure is all about, but can you honestly really get closure? There will always be memories that stay with you forever.. To get closure would be to forget everything, to close that chapter, and erase it from existence. That’s impossible. The past is the past, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You learn from your mistakes and hope that you don’t fall into the same patterns and make them again. So I couldn’t let go, and I couldn’t get closure.. so I began looking towards the future. A future where I am happy. Not a forced happiness, but one that is easy, loving, and comforting. I really don’t know if the path that I have chosen will lead me there, but I’m just taking it day by day. I still do feel like I am missing half of what life is by not experiencing what it’s like to be in a relationship. Sharing a bond with someone that no one, not any circumstances, nothing, can break. To hold a girl in your arms, to feel the warmth of our bodies touching, to feel each others heartbeats. But honestly, it’s no use chasing something that I have no idea how or what it looks like. All I do know, is that when it is the right time, it will happen. So maybe.. that’s what it means to let go. You don’t let go of the past, but you let go of the future. You place your future in Gods hands and trust that he will guide you to exactly where you need to be. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, so maybe … now that I understand how to let go, I’ll find myself in a future where I am happy.

3.24.23

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Alive

I’ve been in a good mood lately, and have really been enjoying life. I like hanging out with her.. also I really enjoy it when she’s playful around me lol. I know she just does it to try and get me flustered because she knows I’ve never been in a relationship but whatever. I wonder if my face turns red every time she brings up her boobs or butt and just doesn’t tell me. I told her about my past yesterday.. and how I used to be addicted to xanys.. that was such a dark time in my life and thinking back now, it was like I was trying to find any escape to feel something, anything to know that I was alive. I was so lost back then and compared to now, I feel like a completely different person. I was immature and didn’t care about anything.. and I think meeting her and spending time with her has changed me for the better. She makes me feel alive and it’s nice.. to feel like i have someone that actually cares about me. I have so many things to write but need to finish this later

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“How cruel, your veins are full of ice-water and mine are boiling.”

— Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights (via theliteraryjournals)

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It’s like I can’t do anything right 😓

I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t think I’m too overly emotional.. I think things through for the most part, but it’s like I’m being told I’m not supposed to feel emotions at all. I am normally good at hiding my emotions.. I always thought that’s something I needed to work on.. to be able to express more emotions and not hold it in, but it’s like she can see straight through me. She’s the only person I can really be myself with, and honestly it’s … kind of comforting. I’m only human.. I’m still learning everyday. I just wish I didn’t care so much. I’m just in such a weird place right now. I’m generally a positive person, but lately I feel like I’ve become a bit negative. In my personal life, work life, all aspects. It’s like this black cloud still lingers over me from that time when she blocked me out and I’m still recovering from it. I really lost a part of me during that time.. and i’m still trying to find that broken piece. When I’m with her I feel alive, I feel everything, the good and bad, but I’m just not sure if that’s really what I need right now. I need some time to myself to think about things.. I’m going to go on a hike later this week. I really have to step back and reevaluate everything. You know.. I love rollercoasters.. but the one I’m on now, I wish I could get off.

3.20.23

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Jeez.. it’s times like these that I question what I’m doing. I sat here for two hours waiting to give her a ride just to get a text that she’s already home and someone else gave a ride. At least tell me ahead of time so that I don’t waste my time. Why even ask for a ride if you’re not going to take it.. and not even tell me. Just irritated with today, I’m over it.

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I really fucking hate it when people I care about get taken advantage of. It just pisses me off so much and I wish she hadn’t fought me on it.. I’m here fighting for her and she was against me too, what was I supposed to do. I can’t believe all this just because her dad is such a prick and would give her shit just for forgetting her keys.. she’s your own fucking daughter and everyone makes mistakes. He can’t even tell her when he’s coming home so that she could plan ahead. Doesn’t he get worried his daughter is home alone? I really don’t understand how he could treat his own daughter like that. I also feel like I’m more pissed for her than she is.. I know money comes and goes, and it isn’t about that, it’s just the whole situation I’m pissed at. Today started off great and it had to end like this. She worked so hard for her money and to have it taken away like that pisses me off so much. She’s sometimes in literal pain after her shifts and it really hurts to see her do labor. I just wish I had enough money to just take care of her. Even as a friend, I don’t want to see her suffer anymore. If anything, this is adding more fuel to the fire … I need to make more money, I want to create generational wealth so that my kids, and theirs will be set for life. I want to be able to take care of everyone I care about. I really hate people who take advantage of others.. I know that’s how this world works, so when I become rich, I vow to never do it by taking advantage of anyone.

3.19.23

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Ive had a lot of free time lately and I’ve been considering reconnecting with some of my old friends out here. I know they aren’t the type of people I should be surrounding myself with, but I don’t really have anyone else. I know they’ll always have my back.. we’ve been through a lot, but all we used to ever do is drink and get fucked up, and whenever we did hangout sober .. it was like we had nothing in common. Our values and outlook on life were way different, so i stopped hanging out with them. We touch base once in a while, but every time they invite me to anything I find an excuse to not go. I really want to surround myself with people who are ambitious and want more out of life. People who have dreams and aren’t content with just living the day to day, waiting for the weekend. I just feel so stuck right now. I wish I didn’t have this much free time, I just want to get ahead and make more money already. We’ll see I guess.

3.18.23

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I just can’t wait to move out cuz really fuck this.