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Small vent
So as you guys know, I don't feel the need to put much of my private life on social media. I like to keep my life to myself as much as possible. For that reason, I don't post much.
I'm not a person that has a desire to feel needed. I couldn't care less about that type of feeling. What I do care about is feeling wanted. Once I get the feeling I'm not wanted, I have no desire to continue on that route. I can find a need myself, but being wanted is what drives me each and every day.
For 3 years, I have been doing my job. I can with absolute certainty say that I love the industry I'm in. I change people's lives for a living, it is absolutely gratifying. Is it stressful? Of course, but life is stressful, finding the balance is key.
I like to feel, and others have confirmed, that I am one of the most respected people at my location I have been there from the grand opening, I learned, digested and taught.
I go above my job duties. Something I always have done. Nothing in life should be half-assed, including your job. Does this burn me out? At times, but striving to be the best outweighs the feeling.
For much of my life, I've held two jobs, I like keeping busy. I've worked at a video store, farm store, helped set up locations to get them ready for opening. I have done price changes, receiving, and worked on a commission basis. The one constant has been the same, I work my ass off until I feel unwanted. It's always the same, I do my job, I do other jobs, and I do jobs that need to be fixed. My biggest asset, in my mind, is I can find where problems lay and fix them.
The past three years have been no different. I work my commission sales, I do other jobs that need to be done, and I fix problems. I'm a client-oriented person, but the line has blurred. I took charge of a statistic, and the statistic has soon growth, I have been asked, not by management, but co-workers to keep doing it.
Here's the dilemma I've been facing. Coworkers appreciate me and want me, I don't get the same feeling with management (besides one or two). When someone in a role is supposed to motivate and want you seeking more. It's quite disheartening when done haven't spoken more than 4 words to you.
When someone applied for a job, to show they want to move up and is ignored, it's infuriating. I'm not bitter, I didn't get the job, I'm sure the person receiving it is more than capable. It's when they ask for a phone interview, then vanish, and close the job without so much as an apology, or even denial letter. It shows that management doesn't want you, doesn't respect you, and doesn't need you.
It might be time to move to someplace a company will see my skillset, and want me.
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Have you ever loved and cared for someone so long that it’s hard to imagine yourself with somebody else?
About a decade and a half ago, I met someone amazing. Somebody that I fell for almost instantly, someone I thought about daily. I remember how we met. Small details escape me and this hurts her I know. I could blame it on years of alcohol, years of trying to block her from my mind. Truth is there is no excuse, I should remember details like this. You only meet your true love once, even the most Minor details should be remembered.
It hasn’t been an easy road, all those years ago I lost her. I cheated, I committed the very same sin I am cold-heartedly against. I could tell myself an excuse. I was young and stupid, I didn’t know, I wasn’t ready. I have told myself these excuses, I have told her the same ones, I’ve even denied it. I fucked up, I know that I’ve taken responsibility for it, become an advocate of cheating. That mistake I now speak against led me through a lot of demons in my life. Some that took me years to fight, some I am still fighting.
Over the years we can come and gone from each other’s lives. Each time one of us fighting to keep up the friendship we have. It’s been a long road of twists and turns, highs, and lows. Stressful and blissful, filled with sorrow and happiness. At one point I asked her to marry me. I was after a few years of not speaking. I wasn’t certain in a lot of things at the time except one. I knew I wanted to spend my life with her. I had never been so sure of anything in my life. Instead, it just made us drift apart again.
I was not ready to give up and a few years later we reconnected. This time something was different, in the time we didn’t talk, she had a beautiful daughter. I could tell something was different, her life revolves around the little one now. It was a good thing, I saw her in a new light. Our bickering got worse, once again a drift occurred.
We have been speaking again for over a year now. I may not be the best person in the world and I may not know how to handle certain situations. I’m learning as each day passes.
Up until recently, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t hold a relationship. I thought u was gonna be single forever. Then it hit me, the reason is my heart hasn’t been in it. All those years ago I gave my heart to a girl and I haven’t asked for it back.
I just want her to know I have meant every word I have ever told her. I have meant every single I love you. There’s not a day that crosses my mind, nor has in almost 15 years, that I don’t think about her. Her happiness is all I’ve ever wanted.
If I never get to speak to her again I want her to know that I love her more now than I ever have and I love her little girl I have never met. I want her to know that I still think about that day I asked her for marriage and I would do it again if I had the chance. I want her to know she’s my world and I’ll never be complete without her.
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So it has been a while, and a long ride
Browsing through the various posts, I realize it has been a time since anybody following me has gotten an update or a new post. Don’t fret, your dose of my nonsense has arrived. This will be a long post, updating anybody that doesn’t converse with me on a daily basis. It will contain stories, updates, adventures, and everyday ramblings.
For anybody that doesn’t know, just over a year ago I moved on to a new job. I am now a problem solver: you have trouble with your network, I have a solution; too may remotes, I can fix that; need an enjoyable area with great video and sound, I can design that. I love what I do, and work isn’t a chore anymore. I truly enjoy getting up each day to make that drive. The fact that my coworkers, including bosses, are in fact like a family, my second family, is a refreshing change.
After a year with no license, I finally got it back, along with a new car, for that, I couldn’t be happier. The 3 years probation is a minor thing, and I will happily do it.
After almost 5 years at my current place, I am forced to move. Finding a place is never fun, and finding one that takes my four-legged family member is even harder. I am running out of time, but positivity will go a long way and I can make it through.
Recently I did go to the Taste of Country music festival. I can share a lot of stories for this, but I will save the breakdown for another post. Keep an eye out for that. Next up is the annual Countryfest.
I decided to make this a two-part post, stay tuned for part two in a few hours.
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So, as I lay here, tired as all hell, but awake because of my mind racing, I decided to write here. The main reason is, for some reason, I get yelled at when I write on my facebook. I just want to tap into a few things.
I was officially voted the kinkiest one among my friends and coworkers. If they only knew the lifestyle I used to live or the groups I’m a member of. If they knew where I met my ex or how, or why. I used to be judged, or at least feel judged. It’s nice to be able to open up a little bit, without judgmental, I still can’t give all my experiences. There’s one person in that particular group I would trust with that,
The above brings up another thing “Why haven’t you had sex in over 18 months.” I guess I left my whore ways behind, I just don’t feel that way anymore. It’s not about the thrill of the hunt or the fun of the night. I may be dating myself, but I actually do want to find someone to have a relationship with. Being like my old self, won’t help that cause. Just once, I wish I had the flirtatious back, the truth is I’m a huge flirt, still am, probably always will be, others not so much (at least towards me.) I start talking to people, I message, and I do not get responses, sometimes I try again sometime I don’t. Some people call it rude that I stop talking. If you’ve made no effort to talk, I’m not going to force you into my life. Which brings up this point: I also suck at conversations. Unless it’s a topic I’m familiar with, I’m quiet and shy, it sucks and I’m working on it, but it does create awkward moments. Lastly, I do not feel attractive anymore.
Bringing me to my next point. As a child I was skinny, in middle school, I got chubby, in High School I started defining what I was. After the release from the Navy, I got big, really big. When I had enough I started losing weight, and I’ve plateaued, and it sucks. I went from 170ish to over 300, down to about 220-230 now. I want to get down to about 180, I was down to 205 for a while. The new job and lack of drive have suffered me, somehow, I need to find that drive and get back in it. Not for anybody else but for myself.
Lastly, I’m an honest person, I will tell you how I feel, albeit nicely sometimes. I’ve made friends I’ve lost friends. I’ve gained relationships and I’ve lost friendships. I will tell you if I have feelings for you in that way, as a friend, as a person, as a human. There's no reason to hide it, it would just create a more awkward moment that I already have enough of. If I’m flirting and you're not interested, say something. If I ask you out and you don’t want to, say no. It’s not going to hurt my feelings, I’m a damn big boy, and have had plenty of rejection. I will tell you if I like you if I do. All I ask is you tell me the same.
I know I’m missing stuff, and I will continue this, but for now, I must try to sleep, to turn off this brain of mine.
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Coming soon! Preorder yours now, ask me how!! #funko #pop! #dorbz #gardnergoods
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A Musical Find
Once in a while, while listening to Spotify, I come across a song, either on the radio part, the discovery part or just by browsing. (sorry radio, but you just do not have the power to play new artists that aren't that well known.) This song was The Call by Matt Kennon (it was mentioned in a previous post.) This brought me to his music and in turn, I have become a huge fan. Below I have picked a playlist of his songs. Matt, if you ever read this, come to the area, I'll be in the front row.
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A Short Vent
I'm going to take a moment to vent. Its something I rarely do, and even rarer to see it on social media.
I'm not the fittest, but I work on it, my weight fluctuates by season, and I'm extremely healthy.
I'm not the best looking, but I'm not the worst either and I have good features.
I'm not the richest, but I get by sometimes struggling, sometimes not.
I don't have the most glamorous job, but I work my damn ass off each day for little gratification.
I don't do the fanciest things, but I do things I love to do.
I don't do drugs or smoke, these are facts I am proud of, even if some try to shame me.
I don't listen or dress to the hottest trends, but I'm comfortable.
I call few people family and even fewer folks friends.
Few people, including family, know exactly who I am and what I'm about.
Honestly, few people have even bothered to find out or learn about me.
I am not perfect but I am me, take it or leave it, I'm not changing who I am.
Before you bother to judge or even form an opinion, get to know me.
I'm not a bad guy, and honesty goes a long way with me.
For those that I trust enough and love, thank you, you guys are real friends and family.
If you have never gotten to know me, who I am, and what I stand for, now is your time.
Everybody that bothered to read this, thank you and enjoy your day, thank you for allowing me to vent.
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Long road in, and out of, hell
Lately, life has kicked my ass, grabbed brass knuckles, and beat me while I was down. It has been a hell of a few months. Personal issues, demons, and contingencies have consumed my life. The bad part is my mindset went to a place where I never wanted it to ever go again. While I have finally kicked out of it in my head, it’s going to be a bit of a process to get over it. Between matters of the wallet, matters of the heart, and matters of the being alone, life has to and WILL get better. I have very people to take this journey with me, but the ones that have stood by me has proven to me a lot.
This is all the rambling I have at this time.
Thank you.
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Ramblings from beyond.
If you have arrived at this from my Facebook you already have heard me vaguely discuss these things. I decided to go more in-depth if only, to cure my hunger inside.
First up on the agenda: truth.
When I meet somebody new, especially a potential love interest, one of the questions that get asked is: What are you looking for. I can't answer that honestly about the other sex as far as looks, personality, or even emotional stability. One thing I say every single time, the single trait I am looking for, is honesty.
I know that it is getting harder and harder to find this. I'm not talking little white lies that have no insignificant meaning, even though these should be kept to a minimum, I mean blatant lies. People wonder why I am single, why I have very few friends, and why I don't go out much. The simple answer is trust. I trust everyone that I meet, but that trust soon goes away as most people prove they don't deserve it. I am not saying all people, and I don't hold it again the honest ones, but let's be honest, who in YOUR life can you truly trust.
Next topic: Today
I left the topic very open for a reason. This way when I come up with more on why today is just bad I can add it. For all of the literal people out there, I don't mean the today as in this today, but today as in this generation.
This will be updated soon.
Topic: Photo Booths.
Any time I visit a mall or fair, or any time of amusement venue, they have photo booths. They are more high tech than older ones but they still exist.
While most cost around $5, which I admit is a pretty hefty price tag, they have a special aura. There is still something romantic, memorable and special about them.
I remember when I was in high school, I received a strip from a friend that was taken in a photo booth. I still have this photo, just something classic about it.
If I come across one while on a date, I try to stop and create a memory, something that no matter what happens, you can look back and know it was special.
If you're with someone, I suggest taking a few dollars, a few minutes, and your loved one and seek out and use a photo booth.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm pulling no punches. You want to know something, just ask.
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