the-spinnybois-vent

[the-spinnybois-vent]

God I hate myself

I’m so annoying I just wanted to help I was just trying to help I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings I just didn’t understand

I’m so fucking stupid I’m so stupid I’m so stupid

- Helios

[the-spinnybois-vent]

We’re unsafe. I’m scared.

[the-spinnybois-vent]

I feel like I’m healing

Till I hear your name

Then I’m spiraling in shame

And I could’ve done things differently

Could’ve defended myself

But I was frozen in fear

And couldn’t save myself

I was scared of being hurt

So I didn’t say a word

And the question was never asked

But as time passes I wonder

Could I really be a victim?

I could’ve done things different

I’m not sure it’s not my fault

Maybe it was the way I talked

Did I lead him on?

Stay too long?

Maybe if I had seen the signs

Read between the lines

I could’ve prevented this

I still feel his hands on my hips

Touching my hair

I looked everywhere but at him

I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening

And ignore the wetness on my jeans

Is this what being a girl means?

#[gwen posting]

[the-spinnybois-vent]

“Answer the phone”

My mother tells me

And I whisper my words

So that she doesn’t hear my pleads

While it’s always on me

My reply is never lengthy

There’s a million words I could say

They’re all just in my brain

Mother one day when you call

Will you listen at all?

Will you tell me your secrets

To the point I don’t trust you with mine?

Why do you lie to all your children but me?

Why must I be the secret keeper?

Does your husband know you’re having an affair?

Not the cheating kind, or one through photos online

Does he know you tell me everything?

Even what he doesn’t know?

Why does he have to beg you for the truth?

When it comes so easily for you to tell me?

So when you ask for me to pick up the phone

What’s on my mind?

I know I’ll have to lie

It’s not a crime to hold secrets

After all I hold more than that

I hold then family together

I’m glue, that’s something our family can’t lack

If what I knew was spread

To the kids as school

To the churches

To the neighbors

And the rich ladies with dogs in their purses

They’d set their pity filled eyes on me

So I’ll answer my phone

On the final ring

I won’t confine in you how you do me

Don’t pass on this tradition

Let the serects die within me

And when I’m finally in my grave

Will I finally hit send

And let both you and the town

Know what has even kept in my head

#idk who wrote this #we’re not gonna do anything bad #just a poem about #stuff

[the-spinnybois-vent]

npd centered/safe blogs

[npd scentered/safe blogs]

active

@ndcultureis

@narcissisticpdcultureis

@enigma-in-reality

@loverofmirage

@npdemu

@npd--bakugou

@selfdxculture (last posted sept.)

@yourlocalnpd (last posted sept.)

@fixingantinpdableism (last posted aug.)

@narcissist-hoarding (our term hoard blog)

@npdfavs

@prideisforeveryonebutcops

@a-sip-of-milo

@narc0path

@nicepersondisorder

@edrecovery-space (we have not posted in a while but are still active)

@fantasy-store

@cpunkwitch

@your-fave-is-crippled

@vineyard-edits

@archival-arrival

@ego-est-ignis

@objectumluv

@butchcoining

@narcissism-awareness (last posted may)

@mischiefmanifold

@npders (last posted aug.)

@queersrus

@apparentlysubhuman

@sapphic-horror

@your-npd-meme-plug (last posted july)

@puffl3m0n / @acetrappolaswife

@pyrocultureis

@hauntedselves

@empath-abuse-awareness

@citrine-rabbit

@narcissists-true-crime (last posted nov)

@kodiescove

@foolishnpd

@nahmanidontwantto

@alphabet-mafia-collective

@duckduckgoose-exe

@npd-haver

@zombie-dyke

@indifferentvincent

archives

@npdarchive

@npddoll

[inactive blogs moved to new list] here(link)

if any blogs would like to be added or removed please let us know! same goes for any blogs you may have/know that arent on the list and you think should be added.

does not have to be a blog specifically for npd content but at least safe for those with npd.

i would also prefer to include blogs that are screen reader and dyslexic friendly. ie no non-sans serif fonts or coloured text and/or at least includes plane text. as well as blogs that are pro-(researched) selfdx.

[aspd, bpd and hpd bloglists coming soon]

id's in alt text.

[the-spinnybois-vent]

Animals

People like dogs.

Energetic and sweet golden retrievers

Protective and caring Doberman

People like dogs.

People like cats.

Spontaneous and friendly orange ones

Timid and mysterious black ones

People like cats.

People don’t like spiders.

They’re scary

They don’t make noise at all

Some even see them as ugly

People don’t like spiders.

I’ve always seen myself as a spider.

People don’t like me

People are scared of me

People don’t seem to hear when I speak

People don’t see me as attractive; too much this and too little that to be cute or loveable.

I’ve always seen myself as a spider.

I wish I wasn’t a spider.

I wish people didn’t see me as vile.

I wish my limbs were too strange for me to move them swiftly like other animals.

I wish looking at my eyes wasn’t overwhelming.

I wish I wasn’t a spider.

Spiders are scary.

They deserve to die, that’s what people say.

Maybe if I smiled with teeth and not fang,

And I was holdable, not killable,

Maybe if I showed affection differently,

Maybe if I was different, a dog or a cat maybe,

Maybe they people wouldn’t wanna kill me.

But spiders are scary.

Spiders are always seen as weird.

In horror books,

With the kids that don’t act ‘normal’,

That’s where you find spiders.

That’s where you find me.

People don’t like me.

I’m a spider, you see,

I’m just curious and quiet,

I don’t mean to be scary,

But my fangs are too big,

And my hair is too dark,

My limbs are too big,

To be seen as more than that.

Spiders are always seen as weird.

I don’t bite unless I have to,

Unless I’m scared,

I know im not pretty,

I’m not what you want your kids around,

But if you could just escort me out,

I promise I won’t come back around,

Please don’t hit me

I don’t wanna die,

I won’t bite unless I have to,

Unless I’m scared,

Is it that hard to realize?

Yeah. I think I’m a spider.

People don’t like me around kids,

They don’t want them to turn out like ‘this’, like me,

Strange looking, almost ill,

Almost scary.

I promise I won’t hurt you!

I promise I won’t!

I wish I could speak,

But it always gets stuck in my throat,

I wish I could bark or purr,

That I had fur you could pet,

I wish, just like you, I was anything else.

Anything more pleasing.

Yeah. I think I’m a spider.

Wish that didn’t pain me to say.

Spider.

I wish I wasn’t a spider.

Anything else would be good,

Would be better- loveable.

Anything else, please I wanna be anything else.

But I can’t fight it, no matter how hard I try.

I hope it kills me inside before you do.

I know I’m a spider, but I hope at least I’m killed gently,

Spider. That’s me. Sadly.

#[miles talks]

[the-spinnybois-vent]

“At one time (gov name) might’ve meant it but they’re in a better place now”

“Oh yeah definitely.”

I have not gotten better I AM NOT BETTER

[the-spinnybois-vent]

“I'm getting tired

Of the same old feeling in my chest

I'm not a liar

But I've got secrets I can't confess

Don't say you love me

'Cause I don't understand those words”

#[Marcus talks] #[this is what self destructive feels like - marina lin]

[the-spinnybois-vent]

Context: this is about my source

F is for family failure

I’m mimicking the movements

Walking the same past

Cuz I’ll I’ve ever done is just

Half-assed.

I can try my best on every test

But clearly I didn’t study

Cuz I never make higher than an f.

I think f stands for

Family failure

Only given to the worst of the worst

Like me

I think that’s how they see me.

My grades don’t make people smile

Never joined any clubs

Apparently I wasn’t too shy to do it

I just “didn’t give a fuck”

I just wanna give up.

Can I give up

If they never think I started?

Will I be enough

If I’m never rewarded?

If my academics determine who I was

Well f is for family failure

And I don’t think im even doing that well enough.

It’s an unspoken truth

That no matter what I do

I will always be the family failure to you.

And I like who I am

Or at least I used to

Now I’m stuck on the fact

I’m not smart enough for you.

If I was a little taller

If I was a stronger

Or if I was a girl

With dyed streaks in her curls

Would I be enough?

Would you love me just because?

F is for family failure

And that’s all I am

To you.

If I looked more like them

If I looked more like you

If I looked less like myself

Then would you love me too?

And you think I don’t notice

How people stare when we’re introduced

Cuz you’ve got three kids

But only two of them look like you.

And ever since we got the news

If feels like you don’t look at me

Like you used to

But I hope it’s not true

I don’t wanna be just

The family failure to you.

#[very clear who wrote this but haha- #not gonna sign off just in case it’s not #it feels clears but maybe that’s cuz I wrote it] #[first poem woo]

[the-spinnybois-vent]

Pov

You’re doing your duolingo while your brother gets arrested

#trying to cope with humor #it’s not working

[the-spinnybois-vent]

“If I dyed my hair to be your favorite color, dear

If I agreed with everything you had to say

Would you second guess, would you decide to stay? (would you stay?)

And is there anything else that you'd like me to change?”

#[not saying talks] #[at this point I’m just waiting] #[waiting to be told they don’t wanna be with me] #[waiting for them to say what’s crystal clesr] #[they prefer him over me]

[the-spinnybois-vent]

“I realize I'm not the only one who feels this way

So why should I prioritize myself when that's the case?”

- Colby

#[im okay tho - Sara keys]

[the-spinnybois-vent]

Ahahaha (the trauma I just experienced hasn’t left my mind since it happened) ahahaha (why do we still live with this women oh my god she’s awful) ahahaha

[the-spinnybois-vent]

Wanting to be host and take over the blog and such cuz you know you could really improve lots of things but also worried people will judge you for wanting it-

#[rosie talks] #seriously I’ve got so many good ideas #and my positivity really helps our mental health #and I feel like I could do so much good #but I don’t want to upset people #I mean #is it wrong to want to be host? #even when you know you could do good? #I could help us so much #but I don’t know how others would react

[the-spinnybois-vent]

The wind

I check my grades repeatedly,

The results are defeating me,

My head is spinning,

And my thoughts are winning,

And I wonder what’s wrong,

Just walking along,

This path,

I can’t tell where it goes,

Following aimlessly,

The path puts its trust in me,

And it’s getting hard to see,

Thought the fog,

Yet i keep walking along,

The wind sings me a song,

Of praise,

I speak back,

I wish I could get of this phase,

I wish I could be in a safer place,

And the wind sings,

And it guides me,

It awakens something inside me,

Yet I worry the wind is lying to me,

Higher and higher,

I have to climb,

And I’m following the wind,

My unseen guide,

And I feel weight on my eyes,

But the wind protests,

We’re not done yet,

It says,

But I’m so tired,

And the wind calls me a lair.

I follow the wind,

Each mistake I make,

Has its own punishment,

And the wind just watches me bend,

I have no way to self defend,

And the wind pushes me more,

The strong unseen force,

I wonder why I listen to it,

Does the wind exist?

Or is the wind just a weight on my shoulders,

Growing heavier as I grow older,

Put me to rest,

The wind is just stress,

And it still pulls me,

An urge to perfect,

Something I can’t quite get,

Needing to reach,

An unreachable task,

The pressure to be perfect,

The pressure to do the not possible,

I keep saying I just need more days,

But a few more days changes,

To weeks,

To months,

And as time flys by I start to notice,

That my goal is hopeless,

I still try to climb higher,

And higher each day,

But I’m beginning to see,

My grades do not define me.

#[jake talks] #[wrote a poem about the pressures of school] #[might post more peotry later]

[the-spinnybois-vent]

On the verge of a meltdown

#[robbie talks]

[the-spinnybois-vent]

I hate myself

- not supposed to exist

#[not supposed to exist as in everyone hates me]