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and with that this blog is offically dead again. ill come back and delete it eventually probably

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 @eyedeleter

sensitive content ahead, ask to tag

so buddy boy, you want to get aggressive? let’s get aggressive.

i was 12 when we started dating. you were 14. the difference in maturity and understanding how relationships work between a seventh grader and a high school freshman are extremely different. im 16 now, youre 18. your threats of my misunderstanding a relationship as a child scare me, yes, but that’s because i know what you’ve done to me. i know how you’ve made me feel.

when i see your name i feel sick to my stomach. i feel like throwing up when i think of our history. i can’t enjoy things i used to love because i relate them to you and don’t want to relate any part of me to you. i don’t want to relate to the man who had me send him nudes as a child while at my grandparents house. i don’t want to relate to the person who told me, a child who understood nothing about kink, that he had a piss kink (yeah im fucking saying it, im not afraid). 

you, being a self diagnosed autistic person, should understand what the hell i was going through. i had friends who put me on mute about my interests. those same friends who threatened abandonment if i did something wrong or made them mad. you knew about how i was called a faggot in school in band, in the locker room, in the halls, in class. you knew this. yet you still decided to ruin at 12 year old’s life.

when you and sunny started dating, i was frankly terrified. you were going to leave me for him sooner or later because he was everything i was not. he was your age. he was on more often than i. he was your priority and i was your side mission. do you know how many times i came online, wanting to talk to my boyfriend, the same one who would say i was faking being trans, only to find he was busy with his other boyfriend and wouldn’t pay me mind until i had to leave? countless.

can you imagine my excitement on april 20th, 2017, sitting on the train headed to the biggest event in my life? can you imagine how it felt to get onto skype to tell you about it, only for you not to reply? can you imagine how familiar that sting was, worrying of if you were okay? if you were even alive? you’d been absent without warning before for days, who knew if this time you were gone for good?

i still remember getting to the hotel. i remember messaging you with my fears of you leaving me for him while sitting on a mattress on the floor because they booked us the wrong room. its one of my most vivid memories telling you i was sorry for feeling the way i did. what’s more vivid is waking up the next morning, absolutely ecstatic to see a musical i loved, a musical i found because of you, only for you to break up with me. leave me for him the way i always thought you would. i dream of the way i ran to the bathroom, locking the door and texting my mom that you broke up with me. i didn’t know it at the time but she broke down for me. she knew how much you meant to me.

i still remember the way my stepdad called me, the way i choked down my tears for you to tell him how you left me. i cried all through out chicago that day. the way i could have sobbed while watching the show is astounding. and the numbness of returning home with no one to talk to hurt more than the pain of you leaving me. hurt more than your half assed “i still love you”.

i was suicidal while we were together. you knew that. i didnt. i didnt know that word, or at least not how serious it was. i didnt know how mentally damaging it can be to vent to someone without their consent. i was fucking 12, jeremy. how do you think i felt?

but sure. bring up my abuse towards you. bring it up huh? ruin me, asshole

and just so your little followers can see? @eyedeleter is his account

#i really want you to read this. #i honestly do #i want you to know how i felt #so yeah. #here

[the-sidewalk-was-wide-enough]

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today my prof said to my class “you don’t truly love someone until they’ve hurt you and you still think of them as the greatest person in the world. Love is the most violent act.” ok ok ok

#things get better #god i miss my bf jeremy ):

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man breakups fuckin suck. i miss my ex so much, i wish i hadnt been so upset when we split, because i wanna try to just be friends with him. he told me to never talk to him again. i really hope that someday im not too scared to do it anyway

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I FOUND A BLESSING

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PI1uDLeS6aw

The MCLA performance of BMC IS ADORABLE JEREMY is my new love

#watch later

[the-sidewalk-was-wide-enough]

#things get better

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You will have moments when you ask yourself, “am i worth loving?” And the answer must always be yes. Even if you don’t feel it all the time.

#things get better

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you will not heal by going back to what broke you

#things get better

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#things get better

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Sleepy~~~

#things get better

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The world is a little happier with you in it.

#things get better

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i wanna doot doot ):

ha?

every single person who reblogs this

every

single

person

will get “doot doot” in their ask box

[the-sidewalk-was-wide-enough]

back from hamilton! im gonna make a list of the amazing things from the show! i got to meet alexander, aaron, and miss maria/peggy, as well as get their signature.

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another sleepy doodle before i head off to go see hamilton!

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a doodle of me sleepin that i colored with some new copics!

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.

#i think i try to be masculine to the point of toxicity #which is a really bad thing #and i hate myself for being like this #being toxic is bad #im bad #dysphoria has been really bad lately and its making me suicidal #i dont know what to do #i just dont know #delete later