the-only-moment-we-were-alone

[the-only-moment-we-were-alone]

introspective insights

i have reached a point in my life where i am desperate for motivation. i feel that i no longer to have anyone i can truly confide in without feeling that i am being a burden. i can’t say that i have given up, but at 28 i feel that i haven’t done as well as i could have for myself. in fact i know without a doubt that i haven’t. i am not in a position to complain by most people’s standards. i have a roof over my head, can afford to eat, have various hobbies and interests and a handful of true friends after weeding out the fake ones throughout the past 10 years. i shouldn’t be depressed, or manic, or whatever i am, but here we are. 

everything feels numb, things that used to make me happy no longer have the same effect on me. i want a real connection with someone. being a hopeless romantic has done nothing but make me doubt myself more. i no longer have an outlet for these emotions. everyone who i used to confide in and felt comfortable expressing myself to has now found their own happiness. dont misunderstand, i wish them all the best, who am i to hold anyone back from progressing in their lives? that being said, i am now alone. a doormat as i have always been, someone to hype others up and give advice without taking the same advice and applying it to my own life. i do not know what is wrong with me, all i know is that i would do anything to keep those who i care about from experiencing the same pain that i have. so here we are. 

there are many prominent issues i need to face. the first being my mental state, which as you can see i have been avoiding for too long. i won’t bore you with the list, just know that as a whole its all so overwhelming that i shut down. the second being the fact that i am an alcoholic. just like dear old dad was. at times i get so many thoughts swirling around in my head that i become desperate for any sort of relief. to feel okay. to not worry. to not be constantly paranoid. so i turn to whiskey, because i don’t want to burden my few remaining friends with my mental issues. they have their own problems, families, burdens, issues that they deal with daily too. who would i be to act as if im special? so i internalize it all, and have finally decided to at least try to find another form of release, and here we are. 

the only things that still bring me happiness are music, my cars, and my cats. im not sure if i will ever find someone i can truly confide in again, i missed my opportunities of doing so through relationships because i was too scared to commit to certain situations. i was so scared of feeling “trapped” that i trapped myself in this hell. so here i sit. putting off the hundreds of other productive things i could be doing right now to maintain my home and life. ranting into the void of the internet just as i would 10 years ago. but i cant say that this little depressing ass essay i have written hasnt made me feel at least a bit better. 

no one is going to change anything for me, its all up to me.

so here we are. 

#mentally unstable