the-four-ds-blog

[the-four-ds-blog]

I hope you like metatextuality, We-Care

INT. CLASSIC DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Two young women sit on their beds, both working on laptops. EMMA - 21, proud Slytherin, the kindest person on their floor and also the sneakiest- browses Facebook. Her roommate ADDIE - 20, reluctant Gryffindor, wants to be Tumblr famous but never posts anything- stares at her screen. She starts out of bed suddenly and groans.

EMMA

What’s wrong? 

ADDIE

This application. It’s like it’s specifically designed to send me into an existential crisis. 

EMMA

Oh?

ADDIE

And I quote- “Out of the avalanche of applicants, why should we choose you?”

EMMA

Oh boy.

ADDIE:

I know!

Addie walks over to Emma’s desk and opens a tin of chocolate covered espresso beans. Through their conversation, she paces back and forth, tossing them individually high into the air and attempting to catch them with her mouth. She’s not excellent at this. 

EMMA:

I wouldn’t know how to answer that. 

ADDIE

I’m thinking of listing a bunch reasons and explanations. And I kind of want them all to start with D. You know, Dedicated, Disciplined, Delightful... 

EMMA

-Dutiful!

Emma looks sheepish. Addie laughs. 

ADDIE

Desperate. And like yeah, it’s a gimmick, but it gives me room to play around. Like after ‘Delightful’ I’m gonna be all “Okay this one’s a bit of a stretch, but I can be funny! I’m pretty nice! You’ll like having me around the office!” 

EMMA

I like having you as a roommate. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

(halfway under Emma’s bed, searching for a dropped bean)

We should write each other testimonials. 

EMMA

Dear random company- I hereby guarantee that Margaret Adaline is cool and you should hire her.

ADDIE

Perfect. And for Dedicated I can be like- Yo, I’m just looking for a job that will let me do what I’m good at (marketing and communications) while letting me feel like I’m not making the world a worse place. And this org is about actively making the world better. I’d feel so lucky to be there I’d work my ass off.

EMMA

What type of thing are they?

ADDIE

I think they’re about connecting big businesses with non-profits. So shopping big brands can send some of their money to the non-profits who do their saving-the-world thing. I’m underselling it. They’ve helped keep kids out of the slave trade.

EMMA

That’s good!

ADDIE

I know! 

Addie’s attempts at throwing and catching the beans are becoming increasingly desperate. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

I’ve been thinking again about whether the impact I leave is net positive or negative. I mean environmentally alone it’s probably the latter.

EMMA

Isn’t that why you started using your Divacup instead of tampons?

ADDIE

Yeet. And now I get to go this company and be like ‘Will my work on this planet be worth the damage I do just by existing? You decide!’ 

EMMA

I think you have a good impact. I mean, at least you’re not considering going into the oil industry. 

ADDIE

You’re not gonna go into oil, Emma. You’re like the most environmentally conscious person I know. 

EMMA

Addie, I’m a GEOS major. It’s kinda what we do. 

ADDIE

Ok, sure, but if you do it’s gonna be about promoting new, less shitty alternatives. You’re gonna be on that team PR points to to be like ‘See! We’re not all bad!’

EMMA

...I do get really excited when I think about fracking...

Addie can’t resist.

ADDIE

Well. I mean, who doesn’t love fracking. 

EMMA (playing along)

It’s like, invigorating to imagine. 

ADDIE

And so dirty.

Emma falls into laughter. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

How could that place not hire me? Look at the complex high-brow humor they’d be missing out on. 

EMMA

Of course they’ll hire you. You know non-profits- you did Grubstreet!

ADDIE

You and your optimism. Hold on-

Addie looks to her computer. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

They want me to know business stuff- I can spin Grubstreet finance into that... Research- Grubstreet and Boston Lit District... Writing skills- English major... Independent projects and strategy- did a lot of that making those videos at Cape Ann... Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Insta- I’m a millennial; I know these. Ok wait guess I’ll need to learn how to Pinterest. Linkedin? Fuck yeah.

EMMA

See? You’re qualified. 

ADDIE

So is everyone else. Ha! I like this one though. “Bonus points if comfortable on the phone.” I can do that. Grubstreet’s front desk drilled any phone anxiety out of me. I’m great at phones. I’m clear, I’m friendly, I don’t stutter. I’m Excellent. 

EMMA

Well you know what that means.

ADDIE

What?

EMMA

Next time we want delivery, you get to place the order.

Addie stares at Emma, amazed.

ADDIE

Oh my god. Wow. WOW. I walked right into that! 

She glances back at the application. Looks away quickly. Tosses another bean into the air and catches it. Chewing, she says-

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Yo, I think I got it figured out. Watch-

She tosses another bean. This one bounces off her tooth. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Ow! Fuck! 

EMMA

Ahh! Are you okay?

ADDIE

I’m fine. See?

She picks up the same bean and tosses it. Misses again. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Fuck!

EMMA

You know my heartrate speeds up a little every time you do that. 

ADDIE

Why?

EMMA

What if you choke!

ADDIE

(tossing and catching/missing throughout) I’m not gonna choke! Though like, I thought they would make me feel more awake, and, like, they totally are! But I also think that they might, like, be making me a little more anxious? Which is kind of, like, the opposite of what I need right now? Can I have a cider?

EMMA

Addie I’m cutting you off.

ADDIE

No!

EMMA

From the beans I mean. Have a cider. 

ADDIE

Ok wait last one.

She presses an espresso bean into Emma’s hand. 

EMMA

Ohh, I don’t think that’s a great idea... I don’t really want to...

ADDIE

No dude I meant for you to toss it to me. 

EMMA

Oh! Thank God! Yeah, I can do that! I thought you wanted me to try to catch it and I was like Hell No. Okay, you ready? 

Addie crouches closer to bed-level. She opens her mouth wide and grunts an affirmative. Emma throws the bean overhand- it misses wildly. The two laugh.

EMMA (CONT’D)

That was really bad! 

ADDIE

Well maybe you should try throwing underhand. Here-

Addie picks up the bean and gives it back to Emma. Emma tosses it in a gentle underhand- right into Addie’s mouth. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Mmm! Fuck yeah! 

They high five. Addie retrieves a hard cider from their closet and cracks it open using a bottle opener off of Emma’s desk. She takes a long sip and sighs. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

Oh my god that’s so much better already. Day three of the semester and I’m already turning to drink. 

EMMA

Whatever will become of you?

Addie’s face scrunches up at the joke. She finishes her cider, crawls into Emma’s bed, and rests against Emma’s thigh. She takes Emma’s non-scrolling hand and places it on her head. Emma cards her fingers through Addie’s hair. 

ADDIE

Why do they have to be so stressful?

EMMA

Applications?

Addie nods. 

ADDIE

I just wanna not have to worry anymore. But then again I guess worrying is human. Maybe I wanna be a dog. 

EMMA

I saw this thing online that was like- imagine being a golden retriever. You’re living on a farm in Maine and you’ve got a family that looks after you and feeds you... you can just hang out all day...

ADDIE

Okay like I feel that? But also- you’re bordering on furry talk there Emma.

EMMA

You’re the one demanding to be petted. 

ADDIE

Touché. Being a Golden Retriever is the dog ideal though.

EMMA

Everybody loves them! 

ADDIE

It’s cause they don’t have resting bitch face.

Addie realizes her pun, then plays herself a ‘badum ts’ on an imaginary drum set. 

ADDIE (CONT’D)

They’re always smiling! They look like:

ADDIE (CONT’D)

:D

EMMA

:D

The pair laugh. Addie becomes fixated with a tipsy intensity. 

ADDIE

Okay I got a plan.

EMMA

Plans are good! Plans ward off existential dread! 

ADDIE

My thoughts exactly. I’m gonna work on application between classes tomorrow. After that I’ll do homework with free time til Friday night. We can have fun then- that’ll be my incentive to do work. Then I’m donating blood on Saturday morning because it will make me feel better. 

EMMA

That’s a good plan!

ADDIE

Thank you! I think I might include that in the app. About why I donate blood. Because yeah, sometimes I only do good things to feel better about myself, but that’s not a bad thing. It means that as humans, helping other people makes us feel good. Altruism is overrated. Humans evolved so that it makes us happy to help other humans. That’s awesome! It means that if you give someone the opportunity to do good, they’re gonna take it! Even if it’s a company- that’s just a bunch of humans! And this org- it gets that, and it’s making those opportunities, and that’s good! Doing good is beneficial to me, and that’s good! Because it says something amazing about humans in general. 

EMMA

I think you should include that. It’s honest. I like it. 

ADDIE

Yeah, they’ll love that. Dear sir or madam, I know there are people more qualified than me applying, but I’m honest. 

EMMA

You’re unique!

ADDIE

Ugh, don’t say that to a theatre kid- you’ll unleash the monster. I spent most of my high school years convincing myself that I’m no better or worse than anybody else. And now this application comes in like ‘why should we hire you?’ The beast rears its ugly head- “BECAUSE I’M SPECIAL!!!”

Addie mouths ‘I’m not’ to Emma, who smiles. 

EMMA

Hm. Well you’re not afraid to present the less polished sides of yourself-

Emma starts giggling.

ADDIE

What?

EMMA

And that makes you-

Emma laughs harder. 

ADDIE

Am I missing something?

EMMA

Daring!

Addie laughs.

ADDIE

Delectable!

EMMA

Delicious!

ADDIE

Deviant!

Done. 

#Thank you for your time and consideration #Whoever reads the We-Care intern applications #I appreciate you #You know I wrote this thinking that the limit was 1500 words #not characters #to be fair I do not list attention to detail on my resume #applications #dedicated #disciplined #delightful #dutiful #writing