thatfuzzyfamiliarspace

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

Just gonna keep living in that little 5-10 minute window when he got back. That was the bestest feeling I’d had in so long. That want he had for me, the playfulness, everything. I got so deep into a sub zone but then afterwards I just dropped like mad. All the anx I’d had while he had been away came crashing back into my head straight after. I didn’t know how to act. My brain kept telling me things were different. Kept tryna prove this stupid bias.

It crushed me what he said last night. How I had made him feel. But not only that, him saying I was the problem. I was saying thoughts I shouldn’t have. I was manifesting them.

I just feel like I fucked up on day 1. I just wanted to settle back into us. I wanted to do nice things for him, I had the evening envisioned in my head. We were just gonna lay together and hold eachother for an hour or so, talking about the time apart. I wanted it to just get really intimate without the sex, I wanted that tension lingering in the air. I wanted that playful side of him, that eagerly wanting side of him to show and not be for a brief moment. I wanted to bake the treats I thought so hard about. I tried to make something he’d love. I’d made them twice this week and they came out great. Maybe because I rushed to make them when he called me to say he had left. Idk. But I just wanted him to eat them and be like “omg this is the nicest thing” not like the utter most best but be wow’ed or something. I proper focused on that, he said it was something he wanted me to do for him, bake him stuff. I made lemon coz that’s his fav. I tried to make soft bake coz that’s his fav. It meant a lot to me and his response was “it’s just a cake”. It just wasn’t nice to feel like a failure when I was already so on edge and feeling anxy and the one thing I tried hard on just flopped. He said I put no effort in, didn’t show him any love. But I was trying. I tried to tell him it would be different when he came back. Because it was for me, it takes time for me to readjust. I still felt upset for him not being around for so long. I understand all his reasonings for why he couldn’t talk etc. but I still felt how I did. I did feel abandoned. And I took care of myself throughout that. I’d put a wall up coz I felt hurt. I can’t just knock that down the second he walks through the door. I’m annoyed at him drinking to such an excess. Annoyed at him smoking without mentioning it to me. Annoyed at him flirting with grim older women and then telling me days after ? Maybe it’s unfair, but I just can’t deal with separation for that period of time. All the little things get amplified. I don’t know how to word it to him. He’s me favourite person. My world revolves around him. So when he’s not there, when I don’t hear from him, it sends me into a spiral. And I think I done super well coping. He said I had expectations, but so did he. He wanted more physical contact, he wanted me to show more stuff. It’s a two way thing. We both had ideas of how eachother were gonna be when he got back. I just hope I can move past all these shitty feelings. I woke up so stressed and anxy that I’d pissed him off, that he’d be like “wasn’t even worth it coming home”. Maybe he’d realised he hasn’t actually missed me that much. Idk my head is going mental thinking all these things and he says I shouldn’t say them to him. So I’ve either gotta vent it here or just bury it and ignore it… but it’s not so easy. Everything has heightened so much these last ten days. Lots of old habits coming back. Lots of. What I’ve traits unraveling. I wish I could just redo yesterday. But I can’t. And I’m just worried it’s gonna be a trend of me fucking things up again today and tomorrow. I’m shit scared of actually being clingy how I want to me, diving full on into giving that affection and then him saying he’s tired or his mood is off or he needs to catch up on his messages from his phone. Just anything like that. I guess I’d rather amplify my “silly thoughts” and sabotage stuff than actually feeling hurt or dismissed by him and it actually coming from him, and not me instigating it.

How do I make it better today. I want to not be grumpy, but I’m super emotional. I want to give him affection and spoil him. I’m just worried about so much. And I feel like I can’t even talk to him about it anymore. I’ll just have to see how today goes and if it ends in tears again

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

I feel abandoned. False promises of coming up to see him over the weekend. Getting to calm every night and text throughout the day here and there. He’s called me like twice before bed. We barely text and when we do it’s so brief. I just feel forgotten about. I’ve had to go into self sufficient survival mode after he’s gotten me to be so much more comfortable shifting the control on to him. Now I have to just fend for myself abruptly, and it’s not a nice feeling. I liked the balance we were getting with eachother, these past few days have thrown it all out of wack. Idk if it’s the pill or me being so depressed from being alone but I’ve had next to no sex drive. I just feel so u happy. And as much as I miss him and want him to come back, I have this voice in my head telling me it’s gonna be different and not the same. So much playing on my mind. I just need these next two days to be over.

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

Over a week since I’ve touched him. Hugs, kisses, sex. I feel like my mental health has plummeted so much. Where I’m so low I have no sex drive. I have no drive for anything infact. I just want it to be the weekend already. No plans, just being with him. I’m worried I’m going to smother him when he comes back and he’s not gonna like it. I’m worried that I’ve taken steps back that he’ll notice and be disappointed with me. I’m just so anxious. I hate that we don’t even get to talk, not really. At night he’s shattered and needs to sleep, can’t really call. During the day I hardly get any contact from him. This whole sudden cold Turkey has really threw me.

I can’t sleep at nights. I wake up depressed. I have so many low slumps throughout the day. I can only pray these next few days go by rapidly

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

I feel like I’m actually going insane. I’m so depressed and unmotivated. Nothing is helping me. I’m so fed up of feeling low constantly.

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

Today has been horrible. I had awful dreams last night and woke up in the worst headspace. Idk if it’s being sober for this long or the pill or what but I keep remembering everything. Today has just felt so low. So on edge. What if this keeps going for the next week or so while he’s away? What if it gets worse ?

I tried having little time awhile ago and that all went wrong. I tried to come on to him last night by doing one of the things I had written down in my notes app but that was the wrong timing.

Everything just doesn’t feel right. I’m trying to lose weight and be skinny for him, yet I don’t feel like he’s anymore attracted to me.

I want to do the household cleaning but I never have time and when I do, I want that time to relax and switch off.

I’m trying to be better with finances, but I don’t want to give up doing things and going out.

I’m struggling with the restrictions on what I wear and what I do.

Nothing feels balanced. I had such issues with my health the past two or three months and it’s just fucked me and everything.

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

considering I hardly got any sleep, I'm weirdly productive today. I'm happy because I've lost 2kg in 7 days. I'm waking up more often feeling skinny and happy. I feel confident at work that I'm getting stuff done to a good level. All my tasks have been ticked off for weeks now. He said lots of good things last night. We spoke for so long. I didn't think I'd have much to say. I still have supressed a lot, just left with feelings of things rather than the actual words and such, but I was still able to talk about some stuff. I like that he thinks I'm detached from Tommy. I defo have gotten over him many years ago. But the way he treated me and the way he acted and responded will always be something that I take with me into all my relationships, like he said with Hope. The way he would message and control me and guilt me and everything. Even though I feel like I took 6 years to unlearn all of that with Thelo, its still there. But I've already talked about all that in therapy so I think that's why that first relationship isn't something major that's affecting mine and J's relationship, he even said so himself. Talking about Thelo isn't easy, but I did find it okay last night. I'd rather talk about him than other stuff. And I don't think he'll ask questions that will bring up anything else really. So maybe we just have to discuss him and then that might suffice. Just hope im showing him that I do trust him. I do envy the way he was with Hope, the way he speaks about it. I wish I got to see him before he got hurt. I'll always wish me and him met first. I know im perfect for him. It's such an annoyance that we're both having to deal with stuff from previous people to not let it affect us. But I know it'll be worth it.

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

I had to look at the face of two people who abused me yesterday as well as talk about another.

I don’t understand why I can’t move on how I want to. Why do I need to bring everything up and feel all the pain again ? Why can’t I forget and make out like it never happened. It doesn’t define me. It’s not who I am. He fell inlove with me, not my trauma. I don’t understand the big deal. It’s taken me so long to finally feel distance between those memories. I don’t feel like they’ve got a hold on me. But he insists. He says I don’t give him 100% but here I am doing what I least want to do to make him happy. How is that not giving my full ? Why am I never enough. Why is what I give never enough. I’m not perfect. I’m not the sub he wants. I’m not the traditional woman girlfriend he wants. I constantly feel like I’m faltering in his eyes. I never had that with previous relationships. I never felt like I wasn’t good enough. But he sets me all these standards, he always talks about me in the past so negatively. It makes no sense to me. How could someone fall in love with someone who has so many faults and doesn’t meet the criteria they so desperately want ? How am I meant to feel safe and secure when I’m constantly being told how far from the bar I was and how I’m still not there.

And what I dread the most is if I do tell him some things, he’s gonna judge. He’s gonna ask why and question what I did and didn’t do. I don’t want that. Like I already know his perception of how I was in the past. Imagine if he looks at the past before that too. Just more down marks against me and who I am.

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

Tired and burnt out. I don’t feel good enough. I need to re-energise but it just comes across that I’m being lazy. Wish I could’ve just stayed at home today.

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

I can’t tell what it is, maybe it’s that thing where he said his moods cycle ? Last night he was so different but it felt so familiar. I can’t stop thinking about how he kissed me, held me, the words he said. He looked at me like he’d just fallen in love with me. Just the way he was towards me had me so flustered. I hadn’t felt that for awhile and not only did it feel good it felt like a relief. That that intimacy was buried. But I saw it in him again and it’s given me so much more comfort.

He feels more Dom-like recently. Especially more of a caregiver too. Purging my tumbler feed, helping out so much at home, getting me to have downtime from my phone, educating me. It’s odd because of those few weeks where I wasn’t really good and I was worried I was pushing him away and not doing enough. From a few weeks ago him having a convo saying that he didn’t feel loved, to him being like this and seeming super happy and saying so many things about our future ?

Whatever has caused the switch up, I hope it’s not fleeting. I love seeing him like this. So focused on himself and his improvement, he doesn’t seem so stressed. I want to make sure it stays that way.

I still can’t get over how he sees me tho. So awkward and uncomfortable. Makes me feel awful. Especially when he starts reenacting it. It’s embarrassing. Why the “ramp up” ? I hate that phrase. Are we becoming stagnant that he’s trying to kick start something ? I feel behind. Like he’s putting so much effort in and I’m struggling to keep up and match it. So much of my energy goes into keeping myself afloat. So I don’t have those bad days, those moments of anxiety. He praised me so much about how much better I’m doing and how much I’ve changed. Like as if it’s all been some effortless shift. I still cry, I still get thoughts, I still drop, I still stare at that bag. But I push through to make him happy. But doing that alone isn’t enough. He even said he needs more. What if I put more on my plate and I go backwards with other things ? And now he wants to start prompting me to talk about stuff ? He wants to dig up all those things when I’m only just starting to get a grip on keeping everything capped and as level as possible.

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

I don’t know if it’s because I stopped smoking weed or if I’ve just fucked up my hormones going back on the pill or what but my libido is no where near where it used to be a year or so ago. I’m not sure how to drive it back up again. I want to do as he has asked and play with toys on my own and stuff. But using the dildos on myself just isn’t the same as when he uses them on me. It’s like fingering my self, I just don’t enjoy it. I never get the urge to do it. I’m more of a restraints girl who likes to be played with by someone else. I don’t find enjoyment just playing around with myself. I wish I knew a way to make it so. I know it would make him happy.

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

Rue Bennett

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

if i were fifteen i would do everything wrong again in a slightly different way