terminallytetra

[terminallytetra]

i’m so anxious i could puke. block, unblock, block, unblock, a cycle of decisions i know ill never be able to fully commit to. part of me wants ants to answer that text. part of me already has. part of me wants to scream at him until my throat is raw and i can’t scream anymore. i feel like im choking on his one word text message, choking on the words left unsaid. i wonder how he feels about me. i wonder if he gets the same pangs i do when he sees something that reminds him of me. i wonder if he feels bad about how it all happened. going back in time is such a useless concept to entertain, but i entertain it anyway. what would i do if i could go back. how would i change things? would it matter if i changed things? would anything i did matter? was it my fault? is it my fault? i talked to him. he called, i answered. we taked about everything and nothing. old stories, jjk, random shit. he apologized. he said “i feel like i never really apologized for everything back then.” i almost cried. his voice sounded so foreign yet so familiar. i could tell when he started to fall asleep, just like always. i kept talking, just like always. he fell asleep and i hung up. at least i have the strength to hang up without saying goodbye. i said it, but i doubt he heard. he said he’d text me tomorrow. he said he was reminiscing. he asked why everything bad always happens in winter. i said it was worth it to stick through. he told me about band and his exes, i told him about mine. i talked to him for two hours, and my hands are still shaking. what if it happens again? i shouldn’t get my hopes up, he won’t talk to me by next week. he sounded so soft, so tired. it brought me back to the nights i’d spend talking to him while he fell asleep, when he’d ask me to keep talking once i stopped. i’m kicking myself for this. i know logically he hasn’t changed. but i don’t think im strong enough to completely cut him out. he was there through a lot, maybe if i understand him and his reasonings i can finally get closure. maybe im just making excuses. who knows.

[terminallytetra]

how do you go from trusting someone so wholly and completely to not even being able to talk about the weather without baggage? how do you trust someone to hold you up when you can’t hold yourself up only for them to drop you and leave you to fall apart? i got a text today. he’s right. it is the time of year that we met. i don’t know why he decided to text me. i don’t understand why that suddenly gives him an excuse to act like nothing ever happened. like i didn’t give him everything he asked for and so much more. he didn’t call until weeks after i attempted. and when he did, he never did again. we talked. we chatted. but we never reconnected. of course, i thought about it for months after. i doubt he batted an eye. he’s always been a distant person, i guess. scared of commitment. he used other people to make him feel validated, and when they actually catch feelings, he leaves. i don’t know how to believe people when they tell me how they feel. i don’t know how to trust that i wont be left alone. i guess that’s something i need to work on. i need to let myself feel loved, and i’ve realized that i don’t know how.