technetronictonic22

[technetronictonic22]

don’t you hate when...

things are going great and then someone fucking drops the ball? it’s taken me 7 months to fucking get back to functioning around 90% and now we are going back down. not like the 60% drop i built back up from but still... maybe 80%

just ridiculous numbness

but it is not their fault. they needs to do what is best for them. but still i feel like i am losing a person from my life. a good person. someone i enjoyed working with very much.

they resigned and i feel utterly heartbroken. not just for the loss of their cheery outlook but for them too. that they cannot function they way they want. can do something that seems trivial and little but it is a crippling task for them.

i feel lost for myself, filling that void and for them, who now has to reassess their entire life and career around this issue.

i dont have crippling anxiety. i have high functioning crippling anxiety and can usually mask myself with a closed shell

but this...

this.. is a complete loss

because i dont keep in touch with people. i will make no effort to do so despite wanting to...

i just hope maybe they still stay in contact.... and i will hopefully do the same

i dont ignore if a message was sent to me, but i dont go out of my way to keep in touch

[technetronictonic22]

who has time for this?!

still here, just too busy to bitch about how tired i am...

[technetronictonic22]

WTF!! Self care! What?! You crazy...

The one good (bad?) thing about wearing masks all the time, is I can let me lady stash grow and there are no fucks to give. My SO should be used to it by now so he doesn't count.

I did do self care today and did some trim trimming. Still need to wash my hair and other hair covered areas. Fun stuff.

[technetronictonic22]

oh hey CK i’m still here and i still hate your neurons

I just wanted you to know that, CK. And if someone ‘named’ CK responds to this, it’s not always about YOU. So doink off.

To note, I’ve been a good girl driving. Haven’t tried to kill myself since trying to squeeze between 2 semis doing 85 down the highway. So proud of myself. I’ve actually let other people pass me. It’s a flippin’ miracle!

I really need a bumper sticker that says “I know I’m a (image of a giant rooster), tell me something I don’t know”

Fuck, I’m way to happy for this. The crash is going to drop any second...

[technetronictonic22]

titty crumbs

ever since my minions became toddlers and I interact with them, I always, ALWAYS! Get crumbs in my tits! like why? i don't understand! are my littles covered in invisible crumbs and when i pick them up they just magically make their way down my shirt?!

don't get me wrong, those grubby hands are always searching for some magical object between my breasts... like they look, find nothing, look away distracted by something else, and 30 seconds later they are at it again like something magically appeared in there.

my tits are not magically delicious! well.. ahem.. hmm... never mind...

i'll just leave it here, 'I dislike titty crumbs.'

[technetronictonic22]

neglect

i have already neglected writing here. typical.

yet i have been productive. for the first time since.. 2007 i feel at home and want to put my tacky neglected shit that have been packed in boxes for years all over the place.

i feel comfortable here. it’s quiet. very, very fucking quiet. so quiet my ears hurt.

but that is ok. i’m home. and i don’t feel like ripping my skin off.

AND. my neighbors are far enough away i don’t feel like an anxiety attack stepping outside.

as a loner being content with my own existence (i don’t need others to justify why i exist and indulge any need for such confirmation)... sometimes interacting with other people is incredibly overwhelming (i ignore everyone unless they actively seek me out, even my own family-for another time). this pandemic has not helped in that regard at all.

anyways. i’ll try to write. this has helped queue down my anger. i still probably need anger management, but another time.

speaking of anger, i’ve been a good driver. i try not to get pissed off or piss other people off or indulge my escapism death wish. which is something really.

i should be getting to bed soon. words are loosing their dexterity and look like rubbish.

[technetronictonic22]

this is literal

fuck im tired of cleaning shit all day.

[technetronictonic22]

haircut

I wanted to trim my hair but decided against it, just in case future doctors appointments deliver bad news.

Preparing for the worst, hoping for the best.

It is not fun getting your hair stuck in your own ass crack. It is incredibly uncomfortable.

[technetronictonic22]

Fuck you Kyle...

CK made a grand entrance last week and it fucked with so much of my routine i was on the verge of an anxiety attack for several days. and then a couple days later, back to the flat disassociated uncaring buzz of chemical controlled dysthymia.

I did not want to drive. I certainly did not want to deal with the fucktards who don’t wear masks shopping.

It’s one thing listening to the CDC to tell you to do something.

It’s another when it is your job to know viral mechanisms, how COVID is transmitted, infectability, mechanism of action, lethality, etc. etc.

I come home from shopping and every time i scrub the fuck down. all close are washed immediately.

COVID is fucking scary and there is not just 1 mutated strain there are at least 4 right now. UK, South Africa, (I believe Japan? or Peru?), and another in the US. The South Africa strain is fucking scary as shit because it destroys any antibiotic therapeutic.

so back to kyle, i did not even want to leave my house.

even without a pandemic i dont want to leave my house.

oh and it’s BS when they say COVID-19 will turn into the common cold. it already fucking is the fucking super motherfucker of common colds. majority of what we used to call common colds are fucking coronaviruses. immune response is short to common colds (cough coronaviruses) and why before COVID-19 you could get the common cold multiple times in a season.

these vaccines are not a catch all and will likely require booster shots, and may not even work at all as COVID mutates further. it’s a band aid and a decent one but it is not 100%.

fuck i need to write and not write what my brain is screaming

[technetronictonic22]

gray ace reminder*

one of these days i will tell my story of discovering late in life that i am a gray ace and indeed normal and not a non-functional barely sexual creature.

it was devastating and a relief at the same time.

it does not help that i am asocial as well.

but another time. transcribing old dumb fanfics.

[technetronictonic22]

stopping trying to grow your dick with the gas pedal

i was a dick driver today but they deserved it. i dont understand that you see a car coming up on your left to pass you because you are going slower then i am, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SPEED UP??!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHY? IT'S FUCKING DUMB!!

is your dick that small you can't have someone pass you who obviously is going faster then you? and not just momentarily?

i do 79mph for 35 miles.... 35 fucking miles of going that speed unless some dumb fuck decides to be a piece of shit.

if you are an asshole on the road, you have forced my hand and i will reciprocate in kind.

i need to get a bumper sticker or two letting people know that if I am driving like an asshole, it's likely because someone else was an asshole first.

i have no fear of death driving. my family will be well taken care of if i bite it. though id rather not die on the road, i would not be surprised if that is the way i'll go

plus that fucking oujia board said i'd kick it at 43 in an accident... i've a few handful of years left.

[technetronictonic22]

6 hours from one end to the other

So i don't care if this is tmi for any poor soul who happens across this mess. a literal mess. i have rapid gastric emptying. which is fucking exactly what you think it is.

the fastest ive timed digesting is 6 hours. 6 hours from one end to the other. i hate eating. despise it with a passion.

i wish i could just have liquid meals and be done with it.

yaya for the weight ive lost though. fucking shit for what is causing it.

i sent in my genetic test and waiting for them to receive it. then hopefully 10-20ish days i should have at least an idea as far as genetic cancer concerns

i know i need to eat but fuck i do not look forward to eating sometimes. its a fucking chore to ingest foodstuffs. because when i eat 5-20 minutes later i am running to the bathroom.

i was starving today and so in a relaitively normal mindset, i say fastfood. we get fastfood.

i should know better by now. le sigh.

[technetronictonic22]

good girl

ive been good.

I havent pissed anyone off in several days on the road. or wanted to throttle other drives.

this is where a lot of my anger is derived from, so thing have been ok

it’s a new years miracle

[technetronictonic22]

holy fuck i finished a thing. so refreshing.

[technetronictonic22]

no fear except fear

i cannot say i fear my own death, having had suicide ideation for decades.

suicide ideation never goes away.

it is always there at the back of the consciousness.

and times where life seems difficult, it pops up to poke at the consciousness like ‘hey, you good?’ and then i say, ‘yeah, it’s fine.’

but, i don’t want my minions growing up without a parent. and my SO would fall apart. i need him to help raise our minions. my minions are mini assholes just like me and need lots of work to become well rounded humans.

maybe if i am in pain constantly and cannot stand it anymore, maybe then, closer to those shitty years at the end of life, or maybe once the minions are 18. but i think i have it pretty good at the moment. i really can’t complain.

awesome minions who i will train to attack on command. a person i actually am comfortable being in the presence of (this is gold right here-as a graysexual i almost cringe at being touched).

a nice house, cars that drive. a spectacular dream job. what’s not to love?

no i am not afraid of dying, but i am afraid for my loved ones and how they will take it once i am gone.

[technetronictonic22]

not feeling too great

so when i saw my company offered a genetic screening test for cancer, i hoped on that shit. my kit should be arriving soon. hopefully it might give me some answers of what to expect as i get older, or what types of issues my minions might have as they get older too.

once i get these results, it is off to a gastro doctor to see why i apparently cannot retain or process food. i’ve lost a good 30 pounds if not more since early nov. this is not normal. it is not just because i no longer house a gall bladder. it’s something else that could be manageable or really, really bad.

the only think i can somewhat retain is beef ramen, with american cheese melted in it. like a ramen cheese soup. sometimes i will attempt to through smokies or sliced potatoes in but usually a bad idea overall.

the fastest ive timed to fully digest (one end to the other) was about 6 hours. six fucking hours eating something and passing it through my entire system.

that test cannot come soon enough.

[technetronictonic22]

what bedtime?

i have 30 mins, an hour tops to write smut.. and go.