tara-l-blackmore

[tara-l-blackmore]

I posted this almost a month ago, and so far, no one has said a word to me about it (save one), which has lead me to believe the following:

Either people read it and don't care about it, which is pretty cold, or nobody read it, because nobody cares about what I have to say, anymore.

That sucks, either way. But it has led me to conclude that backing off and remaining a ghost is the best decision at this time.

So...

Haunt y'all later.

https://www.threads.net/@yukinoomoni/post/C2lBgrPPeRB/?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

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https://www.threads.net/@yukinoomoni/post/C2lBgrPPeRB/?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

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https://youtu.be/36-K-HW3syc?si=I8j3bosqu1iv9hm_

This video made me weep in several different ways. I had no idea how much I've been smothering myself for the sake of pleasing people who will never love me or even care about me, and all because I made the relationship that way by fawning and faking.

No one knows who I really am. No one will ever really know what happened Monday night (December 18, 2023) but me. No one will ever really be able to accept all of me as I am.

But.

My spouse, despite it all, sees me. They love me. Deeply. Maybe we cannot connect together with things like my special fandoms or my writing and drawing, but we still connect on so many other things, and important things. They see me. They SEE me. And that is all I've ever wanted.

What I'm trying to say is: I'm done. I'm sick of masking. I'm tired of pleasing people who will never love me like I deserve to be loved. I'm not nice or selfless. I'm greedy, selfish, and mean. But I'm also fucking funny and a good artist, and have awesome hair.

So to all the people whom have never been able to handle my true self, who always left when I needed them, but made sure I was there when they needed me, who always used me to feel good but also made me feel like shit:

Die mad and jealous of the life I'll live without you dragging me down. I'm done catering to fakes and users.

Get bent.

To the few who have been able to, you know who you are, and you know you're not the subject of this post, so breathe a breath of relief. But there are very few of you. Just sayin'.

🤷

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More often than not, I wish I could just disappear, become invisible, and nobody would notice, life would go on, and probably better. But I wouldn't leave; I would still help and try to be useful, just without anyone seeing me or knowing me or ever having to deal with my damage. I wish I could just vanish, and leave behind a useful self, but of course I can't be useful as a narcissistic, histrionic, borderline, fuck-up, so it's better to just vanish and be invisible. I wish for this a lot. I'm pretty sure that if I did just disappear one day, it would take barely a week for everyone to get back to normal, and that's if they even noticed at all. I'm expendable and useless and only serve to take up space for someone better.

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I'm sorry if I hurt you by not being invincible.

I'm sorry if I angered you when I was unable to keep up with you.

I'm sorry I failed to live up to your myriad expectations.

I'm sorry I trusted you enough and showed you my true self, but you never returned the honour.

I'm sorry my true self was too much for you.

I'm sorry that being myself means being too much for you to deal with.

I'm sorry, but I'm no longer gonna hide my true self.

I'm sorry, because from now on, I'm not going to be a doormat, a therapist, someone who gives and never gets, who is always last, who I forever left behind, anymore.

I'm sorry that this also means that I will also ask for the things you ask of me, like advice or attention or affection.

I'm sorry I will no longer smile and nod if you say something bad to keep a friend; what kind of friend is that?

I'm sorry to all of the people who claimed to be my friends but who ended up ditching or punishing me when I revealed myself to be human.

I'm sorry I'm human and make mistakes and cry, too.

I'm sorry that the few people I keep around me who aren't you, who accept all of me, unlike most of you, who did not.

I'm sorry you'll never see the true me, the actual person, the loyal, ride-or-die friend I actually am.

I'm sorry you blame me for your failures.

I'm sorry you refuse to acknowledge what you have done bad to me.

I'm sorry I care about things you may or may not like; I made the effort for your interests, but you never even tried to try mine.

I'm sorry you're incapable of seeing beyond yourself.

I'm sorry you thought this was a real apology to the people who hurt me, because it's not.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry.

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From the book "Gender Magic" by Rae McDaniel.

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Nothing has changed in a hundred years and it makes me so mad.

Daily Mirror, England, April 8, 1920

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16 Trans Agendas for the Modern Queer

Live to old age.

Enjoy a nice snack.

Cuddle up with my cat.

Demand good healthcare.

Create a chosen family.

Soak in queer community.

Reject any need for cis approval.

Respect pronouns.

Breathe deep breaths.

Admire surgical scars.

Be kind.

Tell my friends that I love them.

Be endlessly creative.

T4T.

Watch the sunrise.

Persist.

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And don't forget that said Brown man's love interest is also Brown (East Asian), and yet he mostly passes as white (blond and pale), while still being treated by other whites as not white enough unless exactly like his literal golden ancestor. And that same white woman framed said Brown man in order to make said Black queen's Brown protege a villain.

Like, both the book and the movie have intense and interesting layers (the apple subplot was a good one I wished they had kept), but the movie definitely pushed the boundaries of exposing white supremacy for what it really is: totally and utterly rigged, unless we tear it the fuck down.

And it's a message we need right fucking now.

seeing analyses of nimona is fun because they have really good insights and are analysing every inch of this movie but in virtually all of them there is a gaping hole where the very obvious messages and metaphors in regards to race and racism in this film lay.

Like tell me, do you believe the story of a brown man, brought in by a black woman in an attempt to fix the systemic issues in a system where ancestry is valued over merit, is framed for the murder of said black woman by a white woman who is fueled by paranoia that a black woman’s efforts might upend the system, the supposed threat this brown man and of dangers that don’t exist and a desparation to fulfill the legacy of a white woman who is a literal metaphor for the way bigotry is taught (in particular homophobia/transphobia). And thus the brown man is villanised for something he didn’t do and is forced to find support and companionship in another victim of the system, with this story ending with the white woman willing to destroy everything than let the brown gay man and a trans girl change the system/her mind, has absolutely no racial implications or messages surrounding race.

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From the book "Gender Magic" by Rae McDaniel.

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There are two wolves inside of you. One wants to frolick and dance in the rain like you have no cares in the world and the other doesn't want to ruin its hair.

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The Evening News, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, October 10, 1945

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I talked to her again this morning, after she sent a message I misunderstood, thinking it was passive aggressive when it was a peace offering. But we talked it out, and we're cool now. I hope.

My mother just sided with Jordan fucking Peterson and ranted about how people who use singular they/them are insane and deluded, and all I could say was that he lost and deserved to lose for a reason, because he doesn't know how to interpret basic law. And clearly, neither does she. She just invalidated her youngest child and agreed with a literal sexist, racist bigot. I want to die.

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We agreed to avoid the topic, but it pisses me off. She's still an enbyphobe and she still thinks it's stupid. This was the same woman who used to encourage me to date women and never be sorry about how I am or how I look; now, all that I'm worth is how I look and how I am, and it will never be good enough for her. Seriously. What a great way to make me hate myself!!

My mother just sided with Jordan fucking Peterson and ranted about how people who use singular they/them are insane and deluded, and all I could say was that he lost and deserved to lose for a reason, because he doesn't know how to interpret basic law. And clearly, neither does she. She just invalidated her youngest child and agreed with a literal sexist, racist bigot. I want to die.

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And she even denied using they/them herself, when she's done so all my life. He rant was initiated when I explained the difference between "intersex" and the other word that was formerly used for intersex, something she called PC bullshit. And she wonders why I don't confide in her anymore; she doesn't even see me.

She also hates that I cut my hair off, and hates that I won't grow the underfuzz out, and hates that basically I'm not who she tried to mould me into. And every time she pulls this shit, she reminds me that it's better for me to be what she hates, especially if she agrees with Jordan fucking Peterson. I hate this.

My mother just sided with Jordan fucking Peterson and ranted about how people who use singular they/them are insane and deluded, and all I could say was that he lost and deserved to lose for a reason, because he doesn't know how to interpret basic law. And clearly, neither does she. She just invalidated her youngest child and agreed with a literal sexist, racist bigot. I want to die.

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Nobody is mentioning how, through all of this, Doug Ford just sold the Greenbelt to make room for condos. I hate all of you that voted for him.

Meanwhile, Air Canada just raised its prices by 1000% for a flight out of NWT right now, because we're literally from hell and would rather people burn than save them with affordable evacuations...

[tara-l-blackmore]

My mother just sided with Jordan fucking Peterson and ranted about how people who use singular they/them are insane and deluded, and all I could say was that he lost and deserved to lose for a reason, because he doesn't know how to interpret basic law. And clearly, neither does she. She just invalidated her youngest child and agreed with a literal sexist, racist bigot. I want to die.