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tanyameansfairyqueen · 7 years

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06/03/17

To you who want me to "let him know", that him is you.

I've been letting you know that I love you. Not in words, but in actions. You have no idea, though, how many times I've tried to tell you; how many scenarios I imagined just to make my confession perfect. But everytime I feel like it's the perfect moment, you say something that makes me want to hold back. You were already rejecting me when i haven't even started yet.

Now tell me, how do I tell you, when you kept coming back to the past that broke your heart? How do i tell you, when you've told me that you'll still wait for her? How do I tell you that I love you, when I already know you love someone else?

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tanyameansfairyqueen · 7 years

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DEAR M.A.M.

This is my confession. So if you’re reading this (which I doubt you’ll be able to), I hope you know it’s you. I’m not expecting you to make a reply, but you can, if you want to.

Here goes..

I’ve liked you since three years ago. I didn’t want you to know because I know you liked someone else. And I wasn’t really sure that time, I thought it won’t last. Turns out, the more I see you, the more we get to spend time together, the more I get to know you; the more I fell for you. I was okay with what we are..at first. Until I found myself jealous of her -- that someone from your past who you still love.. until now.

You were probably wondering why I suddenly seemed distant at times, why I was no longer as cheerful as before, every time I talked to you. Why I tend to act cold towards you. I was hurt by your insensitivity, by you talking about her, by our situation, by the timing.

Two years ago, there was this gap between us. It was the second, and the worse, which lasted six months. Six months of not talking to you. I thought I’ll be able to overcome my feelings for you, but I didn’t. Every day I missed you even though we bumped into each other; every day, I’ve always wondered how you were, I worried, and I still cared. This gap made me realize that I no longer like you, I love you. I love you despite this hurt, despite my emotions telling me I shouldn’t, despite knowing you’ll be far away, despite you loving her.

I thought you being far from here will be better. Until last year, when we started exchanging messages. I will no longer go with the details, you know what I’m talking about. But that, that moment gave me hope. It felt like it was a new start for us after that gap.That our feelings might be mutual, that you and I could be us. Guess I was wrong..again. You still talked about her, how you were hurt, and how you are still hurting. How you wanted to forget the pain. Knowing these, knowing your pain, adds up to the pain of you still being hurt by her. The pain of you still not seeing me, the pain of realizing that I was only leading myself on because of those messages; it was an open door that slammed close in my face.

Remember when I told you about the boy who has been the reason for my heart-shattering quotes, and re-posts? The hints, the letters I dropped which spelled his name? When you asked me to to give you that name as birthday present? Yep, it’s your name.

Maybe there wasn’t really something. Maybe I just made myself believe that there was, because that’s what I’ve been wishing for. Maybe you knew all along that I like you, and that time you needed me, so you... acted like what you did. Though, I hope I was wrong about the latter.

In my confusion, I tried to distance from you once again, thinking that if your intention was sincere, if our feelings were somewhat mutual; you wouldn’t leave me guessing. You would have said or asked what I’ve been wanting to hear. You don’t seem like the type of guy who would shy away from the person you like, based on what I heard about you. Or are you?

I deactivated that social media account because I can no longer stand seeing myself waiting hopelessly for your replies, when I can see you active. I thought, if I was as important as she is to you, you wouldn’t keep me waiting for days, even weeks for a simple reply. But you did.

My heart shattered on the 2nd day of April upon seeing that you’ve changed your status. Yep, I saw that; how everyone including those closest to us seemed happy for the both of you, even though it was an April fool’s joke. I kept silent. I acted like I didn’t see it. Then you deleted it and acted like it wasn’t posted. You know what hurts more? It’s the thought that I couldn’t even say how broken I was that time, to our friends. Seeing how happy they were for you made me feel like a moment killer. I couldn’t break that happiness, that excitement; so I decided to keep everything to myself and stay away, to find comfort in other people instead. I couldn’t tell them how I felt for you. I guess this is the price of falling for someone who’s part of your circle.

It was a joke. But it hurt.

I was wondering if you are also as confused as I am. Have you also tried reading my messages between the lines? Was there even a time when you thought there was something between us during our long distance communication? Or was it just a mere exchange of messages to you? Did my messages make your heart skip a beat even for once? Have you also felt the unexplained excitement and anxiety I did while you waited for my replies? Did you even wait? Or you were too busy to notice?

Now, why are you distancing too? Is deactivating a trend? By any chance, was I the reason, as if you were the reason for that same escape I did?

I admit, I miss the exchange of messages. I miss you. I’ve been missing you and I will continue to miss you until I don’t know when. And I’m still hurting. Know what, I think this will go on for as long as I am in love with you.

And you cannot kill a feeling.

In two months, I heard you’ll be back for a break. I’m not sure if I want to see you. I mean, of course, I do for pleasure’s sake; but for my heart’s sake? I don’t know if I’ll be ready by then.

If you’re reading this, please know that I’m sorry for acting the way I am, and for not telling you why. I’m sorry that things had to change. I’m sorry for not being able to control my feelings. I’m sorry if I gave too much meaning to those messages; for assuming, for letting my feelings get in the way.

And most especially, I’m sorry that I can no longer accept you as just a friend. As long as I am hurting just by seeing you, more so by being together, I won’t be able to see you as that friend from three years ago.. as long as I have this feeling.

..that even though I’m distant, I will always care, like I told you in that letter from December 2015: Always have, always will.

..and that I’m still here, for your favors, not asking for anything in return. So don’t hesitate to ask; and I wish you well, a hundred times a day in my heart.

I’m no longer sure if you’re still THAT Mr. Right, or should I say my Mr. Right; but let me tell you that I’m still waiting for the time you decide to choose me, not because you need me, especially not because you know I love you, but because you love me back. If ever that time comes, I hope it’s not yet too late.

Love, U.T.E.J.

5/14/2017 9:09 PM

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tanyameansfairyqueen · 7 years

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tanyameansfairyqueen · 7 years

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The deeper I see the real you, the more I see the possibility of getting hurt. The more I read the nearer it reaches me. Yeah, I have these stories of us inside me. The stories I somehow hoped would happen. It’s starting to get deeper, maybe you’ve noticed. Still, I wanted it to be a secret.

Mark Lorenz (via wnq-writers)

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tanyameansfairyqueen · 7 years

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