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lately like 50-60% of my intrusive thoughts involve kms like some kind of rogue nurse that clearly needs some form of therapy cause they're like one bad interaction and a couple of bad days from knocking into the pyxis or omnicell narc supply

and like 20-30% of me in control violently rejects that whole sentiment and actively works to send my thoughts literally anywhere else ideally like 7000 miles & an alternate universe away from here so i dont do something so inexplicably stupid.... or like i negotiate w myself and just go back to smoking and drinking even though i know this shit will kill me eventually and make me very very miserable older (will i even make it until then?? lol) adult

... and the other 10-30% is like... praying for a fucking miracle while wondering if i even have the right to do so lol

#personal #ive spent the last 2 years alternating between totally spiralling out #or completely disassociating #and like no fucking in between lol literally #who do i think i am and where tf do it think i am

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"what are you gonna do with that degree?" I don't know. probably kill myself.

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Meow Are You? Maladaptive Daydreaming

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sometimes depression is so scary because you stop being able to achieve any sense of fulfilment. a huge part of being human is looking forward to things and having treats, goals, rewards, outcomes that you strive towards. if you don’t have those things it can be really, really hard to find any sense of purpose. having depression is asking yourself what do i want to eat, what do i want to watch, what do i want to play, what do i want to listen to, what do i want to do, what am i looking forward to, what’s driving me to keep going, and having the answer be a resounding ‘nothing’

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having a period is strange i can’t believe i have to talk myself down off the metaphorical bridge every time the slightest inconvenience occurs over the next 3-5 days

#personal #my brain is trying to keep up w this gremlin in my brain telling it to off myself #while my abdomen has said fuck it were a food processor now #yeah wtf

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i’m in total disbelief that i literally watched my bby die and i can’t believe he’s gone and his white hair is all over my black hoodie from me carrying him into the car and im just… i never want to take this off i never want to wash it i don’t want lose the smell even it’s like the most musty tuna-breath ever 😞

#sigh #i’ve been taking Ls since 2022 #i said that would be the worst year of my life but rly things have just gotten worse not better #i rly feel like my #life has spiraled into this black hole that i can’t get out of #personal

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there's something poetic about being the first to pick you up and last to put you down

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Do you ever think about how pets only live like 12-17 years, which is NOTHING, and somehow you're lucky enough to coincide and share those ≈15 years with your very own specific kitty or doggy? How wonderful is that. Out of the entire history of time, they're only here for a few years, and we have the honor to be there with them

#my baby so grateful to have known you #increased my quality of life by like a million #txt

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#pic #this.. is relaxing

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there is like barely a single fucking thing i like about my life at this moment i just——

#personal #i wish it would all just stop

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I hope every 19 year old is ok eventually I'm so fucking serious. If you're 19 stay safe out there it'll be ok love you

#txt

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How old were you at the lowest point in your life? Reblog this and put it in the tags, plus your current age maybe. I'm trying to see something.

#txt #im not rly that old 26 #but probs 23-25? yeah i think covid fuck me a lot and them my personal life came to ruins around 2022 so lmaooo #idk now its?? just whatever #i think the most emotionally unstable and unhappy i was tho was probs ages 15-16 idk i was just a horrible person and rly hated myself