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talesofekria · 5 years
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Paladin™: when you’re kinda feeling cleric but also want to Stab
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talesofekria · 6 years
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talesofekria · 6 years
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Classes
FIghter
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Barbarian
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Paladin
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Thief
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Ranger
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Bard
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Wizard
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Sorcerer
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Warlock
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Cleric
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Edit: Almost forgot
Monk
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Druid
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talesofekria · 6 years
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D&D classes as john mulaney quotes
Barbarian - *smashes a 40 on the ground and yells* SCATTER!
Bard - the entire salt and pepper diner story.
Cleric - You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.
Druid - Aaah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!
Monk - I’ll just keep all my emotions right here and then one day, i’ll die.
Paladin - for those of you who aren’t catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you (even though we looove to exclude you)…
Ranger - everybody get out of my way. I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.
Sorcerer - this might as well happen. adult life is already so goddamn weird.
Rogue - Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.
Fighter - sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.
Warlock - FUCK DA POLICE!
Wizard - I’m either having a drink or I have to pee. You’re living the golden years kid, not me.
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talesofekria · 6 years
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**a metal d20 shows what would be the 1 side, but says FUCK instead**
Enough said
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talesofekria · 6 years
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talesofekria · 6 years
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Excerpts From the Journal Of Praefectus
Waking up from reprogramming was, for lack of a better phrase, off-putting. Since my creation, I had a drive to ensure that contracts are fulfilled, and moving from one target to the next. When I woke up, I remembered feeling that driving force behind my every move, but it was very much a lost feeling to me. Dwarven healers have tried to relate it to the loss of purpose that mortals feel in bouts of anxiety and depression, but, that doesn’t seem right to me. It’s more like the psychological equivalent to phantom limb pain. The drive is long gone, but, the sensation that I have a contract related task occasionally recurs.
Rion, the satyr that reprogrammed me, suggested I find some way to focus my energy elsewhere. Conveniently, he had removed my legs during my reprogramming to keep me from running. He handed me a few tomes on mechanical engineering and told me I was free to do as I wished. It’s hard to do anything without mobility; so, I put myself back together, allowing my mind to focus on the task at hand. Despite several roadblocks, I made myself physically whole, but without that initial programming, I was at a loss of how to proceed. Rion tried to be helpful by telling me I could do whatever I wanted to do, but, up until that moment, I never really had the urge to find something I wanted to do.
He introduced me to a young boy, and asked him to give me a tour of the library down the street. The boy said nothing, and instead pointed out signs on each aisle. Once we reached one that read History, he walked quickly down an aisle to grab a scroll and two books. The books were an abridged history of Ekria, which he handed me, and the scroll was for him. I tried reading over his shoulder, but the language was not one with which I was familiar.
I immediately found myself lost in the pages. My knowledge on social customs was encyclopedic, but the history that birthed those customs was lost to me. I bookmarked events I wanted to learn more about and found more specific scrolls and tomes, expanding my knowledge as I could. I walked up and down the aisles, searching historic knowledge. Within a fortnight, I had moved on to political sciences, geography, alchemy, philosophy, and mythology. I found a purpose in the pursuit of knowledge. Rion was so proud that he offered me the role of library curator. I gladly accepted, on the promise that, in addition to teaching myself, I would be able to help others pursue knowledge of their own.
Rion took the boy back to Ojulk Hollow a month later, and left me to take care of the library. I helped countless people find tomes and scrolls about every topic. Children looking for dark spell books were gently redirected to An Unabridged History of Necromancers and their Monstrous Acts. Other than that, people were looking to do some good with the knowledge in my beloved library. After a while, there were few surprises from day to day. But, after eighteen years, a pair of familiar faces returned. The strange thing was that it was the same face.
The young boy Rion had taken to Ojulk Hollow, now a young man with a command presence that rivaled a general’s, walked into the library, escorting his exact likeness to my desk. The likeness gave himself away as an imposter by not shutting up for even a second. He spoke loudly, not saying much that made sense, all the way up to my desk. I glared at him before stuffing a loose piece of parchment into his mouth. He finally kept quiet and I turned to the original.
“You brought me a doppelganger?” I asked him kindly. He nodded vigorously, beaming at me. “Did Rion tell you to bring him to me, or was I just convenient?” He showed two fingers. “For rehabilitation or dissection?” He showed one finger, letting his disgust at the second option show. “I was kidding. I’ve been in a library for eighteen years; did you think I wouldn’t develop a sense of humour?” He shrugged, with the sense of pride I’d expect a father to have after not seeing his child for a long time. Perhaps that’s how he saw me, despite my age. “Well, let’s bring him downstairs and see what we can do.”
 “Gods, man! What makes you think I’m the doppelganger? We’re identical! How are you so sure, man?”
We had restrained him to the same chair I was reprogrammed in and fished the damp parchment out of his mouth. I considered shoving it back in almost immediately, but, the Elven Psychology tomes I’d read three years ago recommended against it.
“You want to prove it?” I asked him. “Okay. What’s my name?” He remained silent of his own volition for the first time since I saw him. “No? Okay, genius, what were you reading when we first met?” No response. “One more, just to prove a point: what was the very first word you ever said to me?” He smirked a little, finally having a question he could accurately guess.
“I said, ‘hello,’” he said confidently. “That’s how humans greet each other!”
“And, that’s how I know you’re the doppelganger.” I said, smiling at the original. “He’s never said a word to me, or anyone else, to my knowledge. You, on the other hand, speak too much.”
The doppelganger frowned slightly, realizing he’d been caught. He stopped struggling and relaxed in the chair and locked his eyes on me. I saw an odd mix of determination and resignation to fate in his face. He changed to his naturally thin, grey form before speaking again.
“If you’re going to experiment on me, just get it over with,” he spat at me. “I’m hardly the first of my kind to be taken for it.”
“Who said anything about experiments?” I asked, taking a step towards him. “You know what I am, Shallar?” He nodded quickly, shocked at my use of his people’s terminology. “You know what I’m programmed to do to those who break deals?” He nodded again, fear in his eyes. “Excellent, then let’s make a deal, shall we? I’ll keep you housed, clothed, fed, and safe, and all I ask in return is that you make yourself useful here at the library. Returning books and scrolls to their rightful shelves, keeping the place clean, and, depending on your behaviour, collecting new materials for me.”
“I’d get my own room?” he asked. “Proper, regular meals? Warm clothes? Occasional spending gold?”
“Very occasional spending gold, and never enough for a way out of Eglans.” I replied. “You’re free to turn down this deal, if you wish. But, my friend here will be forced to take you to Ojulk Hollow. And I don’t think you want a sentence from the Dragon Council.”
“Fair enough,” said the doppelganger. “But, how exactly are you going to hold me to my word?”
“I’m a kolyarut. If you break my deal, I will find you; no matter your form.” I assured him.
He thought it over another moment or two. I could almost see him ranking pros and cons against each other in his head. Finally, he nodded to me directly and spoke:
“I’m in.”
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talesofekria · 6 years
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D&D: Of Wyrms and Liches: Pt 2
Part Two: The Road to Ixapolis
Our heroes made their way down the South Road through surprisingly beautiful weather. By early evening, they had found their way to Dryarb Lake, where they heard the clanging of blades. They came around a bush to find a tall, handsome human with black hair in a samurai style fighting a kobold. After some artful dodging by both parties, the human swung his sword and split the kobold’s skull in two. While cleaning his blade, he looked up to see his audience, smiled, and waved.
Peewee lead the group over to the strange man hesitantly, and asked the question they were all asking themselves: “Are you Takeo?”
The man nodded cheerfully, offering a handshake. He made a hand gesture to the rest of the party, and Peewee, Dagran, Mizra, and Knox introduced themselves. Takeo shook all their hands and lead them a little further south to his campsite, complete with a fireplace. He crawled into his tent and let the party figure out their strategy, before they went to sleep.
The next morning, Takeo woke early. Peewee greeted him first, as Mizra kept a wary eye on both of them from the tree she slept in. Knox left his tent naked as he went to grab his pants from a pack that he accidentally left with his horse. Takeo and Peewee shared frightened glances after witnessing Knox’s surprisingly long penis with no warning whatsoever.
They gave Dagran’s tent a gentle kick and packed up camp before continuing their journey south. They stopped twice: once for a meal, and a second time to help a Kobold merchant family whose wagon wheel had broken. Then they finally arrived at the Northern Gate of Ixapolis, where they were greeted by a surprisingly rude Guard.
“Who goes there?!” he shouted.
“We’re here to represent the Order!” said Dagran, who immediately received an elbow and a glare from Takeo.
“An order of odds and ends,” finished Peewee, trying to recover. “Trinkets and such.”
“I’m not meant to let anyone in past curfew,” said the guard tentatively. “But, I’ve never seen any of you in town, so, you probably aren’t here to cause trouble.” He opened the gate and ushered them in quickly. “Get to the tavern quickly, or you’ll be sent to the dungeons.”
The party hurried to the Tavern to get some rooms and information about the curfew and rebellion. They knew that to crack a beast as delicate as this one, they would need to play their next moves very carefully...
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talesofekria · 6 years
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Bastards are valid
Gladius are valid
Estocs are valid
Flamberges are valid
Claymores are valid
Short AND long swords are valid
Katanas are valid
Sabres are valid
Scimitars are valid
Uchigatanas are valid
Rapiers are valid
Machetes are valid
Khopesh are valid
Wakizashi are valid
Bokken are valid
Shotel are valid
Zweihander are valid
Falchion are valid
Cutlesses are valid
Yatagan are valid
Tachi are valid
Bolo are valid
Swords. Are. Valid.
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talesofekria · 6 years
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D&D: Of Wyrms and Liches: Pt 1
Part One: The Gathering
One by one, our motley crew found the mysterious Satyr, Rion, in The Leopard’s Head, a Tavern in Nomad’das. First Peewee, then Mizra, and then Knox. Once Dagarn, the fourth member had arrived, Rion introduced himself and explained what was going on.
“Have any of you heard of the Silent Order of the Defiant Watchers?” he asked under the buzz of conversation from the front of the bar. When greeted by silence and unsure looks, he nodded and continued. “To try and make a long story short, the Order is a group of folk from all over the country whose main goal is peace and order. We do this mostly behind the scenes, and we’ve been at it since 677, after the First War of Constructs.”
The faces around the table seemed unmoved, so Rion asked a pressing question. “Have you heard what’s going on in the west?”
“What, with the dragons, and whatnot?” asked Dagarn, meeting the old satyr’s gaze. “Of course. It’s kind of hard not to, with all their roaring and thundering.”
“That explains why Zago was so noisy the last few months,” muttered Knox.
“Well, it’s taking up a huge amount of Order resources,” continued Rion. “We’re playing moderator, which is important for peace in Ekria, but, it’s hardly the only thing going on right now.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Peewee, concern looming in the shadows of his face.
“We’ve heard reports of a rebellion brewing in Ixapolis,” Rion replied. “We haven’t been able to investigate these claims, so we don’t know much more than that. However, it’s more than just the south; our Elders seem to be under the impression that chaos is looming in all corners of the country.”
“What does that have to do with us, though?” asked Mizra. “We’re not part of your Order.”
“The Elders devoted weeks to recruiting new Watchers,” said Rion softly. “We simply can’t do this on our own, so we’re asking for your help.”
“I have a question,” began Peewee. “Why us?”
“Yeah, what makes us so special?” asked Knox.
“I’m afraid I can’t say.” replied Rion. “The Elders sent the summons to those in whom they saw strength. I don’t question my Elders, nor do I ask for clarification. I am but a Watcher of the Order.” He paused, letting his words sink in. “All I can ask is that you help us. The country’s very existence could be at stake, and with it, your friends, family, and all folk of Ekria. What say you?”
A moment of silence hung in the air like a light fog in the night. Then, all around the table, the fateful responses.
“I’m in,” said Peewee, pride swelling in his chest.
“Me, too,” said Dagarn, raising his tankard.
“I don’t see why not,” said Mizra, taking a deep sip of her ale.
“What the hell? I was bored anyway,” said Knox, finishing his drink.
“Thank you all,” replied Rion, smiling. “We have a Watcher named Takeo waiting for you at Lake Dryarb, down the south road. He took an oath of silence when he passed his trials for the Order, but he’s a capable young man. A merchant at the south gate has survival packs waiting for you to pick them up tomorrow morning, free of charge, and the Order has rented two double rooms here at the Leopard’s Head. May Odin give you knowledge on your path, May Thor grant you strength and courage on your way, And may Loki give you laughter as you go.”
Mizra, whose Guild headquarters was within the walls of Nomad’das, went home for the night. Peewee and Dagarn shared one room, while Knox kept the other to himself. The next morning, they set off through the south gate, and began their journey to Ixapolis.
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talesofekria · 6 years
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Dungeons and Dragons: Of Wyrms and Liches Prologue
It is a time of dark danger in Ekria. War looms in all corners of the continent. In the north, the Frozen Armies of Windborough torment the free people of the tundra. In the West, dragons of all hues meet to discuss their own politics, only to find blood and body parts of their brethren scattered along the mountains and valleys. Baudmin, the Southern Duke, fights a revolution of his people, angered by a theft of their loved ones’ remains. And in the East, a dark evil rises slowly from the lakes and rivers. On top of this, four folk across the land awoke at the same time, from a very strange dream. An unfamiliar voice called to each of them, summoning them to a tavern in the heart of the Capital.
Peewee, a Dwarf and Favoured Soul of Odin, was not unfamiliar with these summons. The All-Father used a similar method to get in touch with him if a situation in Ekria required divine assistance. And so, without so much as a second thought, he packed a bag and left his home in Thunderstone Point.
Mizra, the half-drow prodigy of the local Thieve’s Guild, on the other hand, was much more skeptical. She was no stranger to odd happenings, but was wise enough not to trust those who can enter minds without invitation. After consulting with some older thieves, she was reassured that she would be in safe hands, so long as she remained within the city.
Knox was far from sober when he woke up from that odd dream, but he wasn’t quite drunk enough to forget. Zago had few magical secrets to intrigue his sorcerer’s mind, and he was getting bored of the same three taverns every night, so, if nothing else, this potential adventure would at least give him something to do, and somewhere to drink.
Dagran was confused, but pleased with this odd awakening. He was eager to get out into the world, and do some good if at all possible. The tone of the summons seemed dire, and while he knew that his attitude would need to match the task at hand, he couldn’t help but feel some excitement at the chance to prove himself as a Paladin of Ekria
Takeo’s direct superiors had made themselves clear: Guide the prospects, and see that the Order’s will was done. Confident as he was of his abilities, he couldn’t help but wonder if the Order was giving him more responsibility than he could handle. After all, he had only passed his trials a year ago. But, if the Order had confidence in him, he would do his utmost to make them proud.
In the central town of Nomad’das, a bar full of noisy patrons falls silent as a satyr walks in slowly, dressed in traditional robes of a Watcher. His hoofs clomp loudly on the wooden floor as he approaches the barman, asks for a local ale and a shot of dwarven minewhiskey, and finds a table at which he would be undisturbed. He had a meeting planned with some promising adventurers, and they would be there shortly.
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talesofekria · 6 years
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The Silent Order of Defiant Watchers: An Abridged History
In the year 672, the First War of Constructs raged over the land-mass containing the country now known as Ekria. Geopolitical borders and moral boundaries of all Ekrians were pushed beyond any limits imaginable, even by the most ambitious of leaders. The landscape was forever changed, leaving mountains in plains, and marshes where there had only been deserts. The world as society knew it, both socially and physically, was forever changed in every conceivable way.
A group of wizards and warriors from across the land gathered immediately following the First War of Constructs, in 677, in the central town now known as Nomad’das. They founded an order of those who sought peace for the sake of a young nation. This order’s sole purpose was to keep war, invasion, rebellion, and all forces of evil from taking the small control that their society had and plunging the country into chaos. They gave themselves a name that became known only to themselves, their enemies, and a few scholars in O’koit: The Silent Order of Defiant Watchers (hitherto referred to as, “The Order”).
For the next twenty years, the Order relieved Ekria of dangerous folk who had war and conquest in their hearts. In 683, agents of the Order (hitherto referred to as, “Watchers”) eliminated a gnome in Zago who was plotting to poison each of the Ekrian Dukes at a feast, which would have left each position open to a corruptible associate of hers. In 735, a young Watcher found a Mindflayer Clan at Thunderstone Point who had plans to enslave all of Ekria, and then the world. He gave his life ending their plans.
Though the Order’s main goal was peace, they were not so unwise to think that the status quo was Ekria’s only solace. In 709, rather than stamp out the rebellion at Shark Haven, they turned the tide in favour of pirates, who would free the harbour of excessive taxation. A hoard of vampires had the intention of killing off the poor and weak of Ixapolis in 748, but a Watcher redirected them towards the thieving Captain of the Guard and his subordinates. It took seven months to hire an entirely new constabulary, but Ixapolians were safe from both vampires and corrupt guards.
For years, the Order had a monopoly on behind-the-scenes peace in Ekria. Until 776, when the Second War of Constructs broke out, Watchers maintained peace and order through covert operations. But, with war came change, as it had before. The war divided the Order three ways: Those who believed the Constructs could bring peace, those who believed that humanoid society should overcome the Constructs on their own, and those who felt that the war was a distraction from the natural evil in Ekria. The former were ultimately destroyed by the end of the war, leaving two factions of former Watchers to battle it out in their own War for the Order.
Those who believed in the strength of Society called themselves the Faithful, while those who focused on the natural evil continued to identify themselves as Watchers. It was the main purpose of the Faithful to eliminate the influence of the Order, and let society sink or swim on their own. While the goal of the Order hadn’t changed, they now had to devote part of their attention to keeping an eye on the Faithful, lest they foil their plans for peace. This brought the success rate of the Order down significantly, until 1249, when the last of the Faithful was brought to justice by Petrus, the first Satyr Watcher. The Faithful did return in 1433, but not in full force, and never as more than a nuisance to the Order.
The Order restructured their beliefs bin 1384, and kept primarily to the shadows for the vast majority of their dealings. Their numbers dwindled, but their desire for peace and order had never burned brighter. They had enormous roles, despite their small numbers, in ending every conflict, minor or major, from 1393 to 1798. Since then, peace has reigned over Ekria. But the Order has been watching, waiting, and disrupting any beginnings of conflict or chaos.
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