#you just get ingratitude and flatness and boredom and also the knowledge that you’re stupid if you expected any different!

[itspileofgoodthings]

I talk a lot about teaching and all the good parts of it and the powerful parts of it and it’s all true and also there is something so deeply messy and ugly and raw and painful about the real life exchange of it all and how much I just put myself on the line to communicate a truth and how little I get given back in any tangible or metaphysical way.

#wrong use of the word metaphysical but I can’t think of the right one so it will just have to do #if I had certainty that it was doing good then I would take any lack of recompense #but you don’t get certainty. that’s just part of the deal #you just get ingratitude and flatness and boredom and also the knowledge that you’re stupid if you expected any different! #yes yes all the good stuff i say is real #but this part of it is real too! I am really struggling with it at the moment #I wish there was a way to wrangle my expectations and get them in order #and just take what I get as par for the course #because it literally is #I also wish there was a way for me to be more professional in my actual profession #And I am not unprofessional #but I guess every time I’m going to want to put it all on the line even for the smallest chance of changing someone’s mind or heart #but like. Truly sometimes it’s just like—-but i don’t know that it’s wise or worth it to do it #Or if it’s doing any good at all #like truly I don’t mean it in a whiny way #Well a little bit lol #But I also just mean: who knows? Who can say for sure? Not me. #there’s not any guarantee. And also I’m sure some of the methods I use could use work. I’m sure in the grand scheme of things I don’t know #what I’m doing!! anyway I’m so so sad #and it has been a hard week! #it will pass. as will the feeling I’m sure #thanks for listening #teaching tag