#yes he threatens to murder his grandma and calls him a dog | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

surveys4ever · 3 years

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26.

Have you ever been in weather below 0 Fahrenheit (-17 Celsius)? ...yes. Literally every year. There’s usually a week or two in January when it gets down to -50 to -75 F.

Have you ever been caught outdoors away from shelter during a thunderstorm? Maybe when I was a teenager? I’ve definitely been caught in the rain, not sure about a thunderstorm tho.

What’s your favorite macaron flavor? I’ve actually never had a macaron! But I don’t like meringue so I don’t think I’d enjoy them.

How often do you have friends over to your house? Literally never.

Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? YES. The assistant manager at the last job I had was insane. She tried to tell me that I wasn’t allowed to leave town on the weekends in case they needed me. LOL girl bye.

How many times have you stayed at a hotel in the past year, and where? 0, covid.

Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? Noooo.

What about a flip off of a diving board? I’ve never even been on a diving board.

Are you embarrassed by your school yearbook photos? I believe in the 10th or 11th grade I hated them but I was on the yearbook committee so I finessed some new ones to put in hehehe.

Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? I believe I learned at school.

Currently how many pictures are on your cellphone? 9,008.

Do you think dimples are cute? Oh hell yeah.

Would you rather chew fruity or minty gum? Minty.

The last time you went to the mall, who did you go with? Beebs!

What’s something you used to collect when you were younger? Rocks and lip balm.

Have you watched a movie today? Yes! We went to see Dracula.

Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into? We went to an indoor garage sale a couple weeks ago.

Do you love soft pretzels? They’re alright. They smell better than they taste in my opinion.

Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected? Does my dog count? Bc she’s just a drama queen and I wouldn’t expect anything less from her.

Are you more likely to like someone before you really know them, or do you feel you like them more after you know a lot about them? True love is when you like them a ton before you actually really know them and then like them even more after.

Do you buy people cards on special occasions, or do you prefer to make your own? I honestly think cards are a huge waste of money so if I do give one, I made it. But I have a Circuit and I’m pretty creatively inclined so it’s pretty easy.

When was the last time you were being hypocritical? It sounds pompous but I honestly think I'm too self aware to by hypocritical.

Where on your body was the last cramp you had? Why did you have this cramp? My hip, because I was sitting weird.

What is the weirdest name you’ve ever heard? Someone I know named their kid Emanda. Unsure if its pronounced ee-manda or just regular Amanda. Haven’t wanted to ask. Another named their kid Albrea. I just call her Algebra. And another named their kid Annekke, pronounced Anika. She will forever be a-neek-ee to me.

Do you get embarrassed when people hear you sing/compliment you on your singing ability? Bold of you to assume I ever let anybody sing.

Are you good at comforting people when they’re upset? I’m the big sister to like a bajillion children. Yes I’m good at it.

Do you have any exercises you do everyday? Newp.

Do you own one of those singing fish? Do you think they are silly or funny? Hahaha I don’t but I literally just saw a Billy Bass at a thrift store yesterday. They were funny then and they’re funny nostalgic now.

Has anyone ever accused you of being bipolar or any other mental disorder? Do you really have any mental disorders? I have a pretty severe anxiety disorder but no one’s accused me of having it because like...it’s pretty obvious?

Did you buy the last thing you bought with your own money? If not, whose money did you buy it with? Haha yes! We bought movie tickets, a drink, and peanut butter m&ms.

Do you like to put your feet up on the dashboards of cars? Do you parents yell at you if you do that in cars? Our car is too short for that but yeah, my parents always yelled at me for it when I was young.

Which Beatle is your favorite, or do you love them all equally? I wouldn’t say I loved any of them but John Lennon is absolute hot garbage.

Do you enjoy classic rock? If so, who are some of your favorite classic rock artists? Uh...not really?

Did you ever own a Tamagotchi? Yes! They were all the rage in the 6th grade.

Are you more of a dog or cat person?/ Dog, definitely.

Have you ever failed math? I very, VERY narrowly passed the last math course I needed to graduate and I did the math and because of the mark I got on my final, I should have failed by 3% but I got 1% over what I needed to pass. Pretty sure my math teacher just didn’t want to deal with me taking the course over so he passed me BUT my math could have been wrong, haha.

Skittles! What's your favorite color? Lordt. I haven’t purchased skittles in ages. I think I remember red being my favorite?

Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? Yeah, actually.

What would you want your last words to be if you could choose them? I would just want my husband to know how much I love him and that I’ll be waiting for him in whatever form of afterlife there is.

Can you sleep with the light on? If I'm dead tired.

What’s the most bizarre horror movie you’ve ever seen? I mean...Dracula is supposed to be a horror movie. The only thing horrific about it was the acting.

What band can’t you stand listening to? I honestly can’t think of one right now.

Would you ever take a lie detector test for your significant other? I mean, if I had to? But we trust each other 100% and I’m brutally honest about everything so he would never require that from me.

What is your favorite Mystery/Crime/FBI related show? Murder, Mystery, & Makeup Mondayssss! Sha na sha sha na sha sha na sha sha sha na shaaaaaaaa!

Would you ever have a bird as a pet? Absolutely not.

How's your relationship between you and your grandparents? I love my mom’s parents to bits. My grandma is one of my absolute favorite people in the world and my grandpa is very quiet but he has a lot of really sweet moments. My dad’s parents are awful fuckin people. My grandfather died like 5 years ago and I really had to try hard to feign sympathy about it to him. My grandmother is still kicking it but we haven’t spoken in over a decade for good reason. She also changed their joint Facebook account to just her Facebook account less than a week after he died loooool. She hated him as much as I did I think. And then my bio dad’s dad is dead but he was also a piece of shit but his mom is a sweetie. We facetime every so often and she holds the phone a grand total of 6 inches away from her face the entire time and tells me the same stories over and over. Bu

Ever had a forbidden love or lover? Newp.

Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No, thank god.

Do you know someone who’s been cremated? My grandma’s dog.

What is your current problem? My eyes are blurry because I’m tired.

Do you like canopy beds? Tbh, canopy beds are the epitome of glamor in my eyes.

What is your favorite animated movie? Onward.

Would you rather live in a small town or a big city? I like medium cities. You won’t get mugged walking down the street, traffic doesn’t absolutely suck, and you can get clear across town in 15 minutes.

If you could summon any animal to come to your rescue, what animal would it be and why? Uh? Why am I in trouble? Why can’t I call a human? What’s happening here?

Have you ever watched The Golden Girls? I tried watching a couple episodes but it didn’t pique my interest.

Did you ever like the Ninja Turtles? Noooo. Beebs loves them though so he tries to make me love them and it’s just not happenin, buddy.

Last alcoholic drink you had? No idea tbh.

What are you known for? For being talented and having big hair.

Has anyone ever threatened you? Oh yeah. There was this one guy who was constantly sending me really graphic messages about how he wanted to put a gun to my head and kill me or he hoped I would get XYZ and die. I tried to block him but he would immediately make 3 more accounts to send me the same shit.

Have you ever gone frog hunting? Noooo.

Do you ever suffer from dry skin? Yessss. My body is the Sahara.

Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal? No, I sleep with a husband.

What’s the weather like right this moment? It’s rainy!

Do you bite on straws, lollipop handles, or ice cream sticks? Nah.

In what type of area was your first sexual encounter? Beeb’s bedroom. His stepfather interrupted and made him come outside to talk to him for some reason and then very weirdly pointed out his half boner? V. uncomfortable all around.

Where is your mother’s side of the family descended from? Somewhere where white people come from idk.

What do you occupy your time with on flights? iPad games usually.

Do you dog-ear pages in books? No, I’m not a heathen.

What’s a made up word of yours? We call pickles ‘pickies’ and hamburgers ‘borgers’ or ‘borgs’ because we’re gross.

Do you use Q-Tips? In my ears? No. To clean out tight spaces of things I've thrifted? Yes.

Ever gone out with somebody you didn’t like? Noooo.

What hero or heroine do you most relate to in history, fiction, or song? ....No.

What makes you dizzy? Getting up too fast usually.

Are your parents liberal or conservative? Bleh, conservative. If you have liberal parents, consider yourself blessed.

Do you like your teeth? Did you have braces? I got away with having just an appliance/Invisaligns but I still don’t like my teeth. They’re perfectly straight and white enough but I have body dysmorphia and for some reason I think they’re atrocious and I hate them??? I can’t explain it.

Are you happy with your height? I’m 5′11 and I wish I was shorter sometimes. Hugging my husband would be easier.

#survey

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fiction-queen-blog · 7 years

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TheAmazingUchihaBruhs: Naruto’s Birthday Special (part 2)

Case 18 part 2

read part 1

Tch look at him..Tch thinking he is fucking smart”

I was hiding behind a mailbox, watching my future husbando ran his hand down his hair as he walked up to a house.

“How did you convince me to go?”

I turned my head to Izuna and grabbed him by his collar.

“Hey, I need you to back me up here!” I hissed.

“Sasuke, you are like a trained assassin. I am more in your way then I would be helping you?” Izuna slapped my hand away.

“Bitch, I don’t need you to fight for me...I need you to help me carry his body-” I saw Izuna’s face turn white before swallowing loudly.

I went back to observing this stupid son of a bitch.

“-And that of this bitch”

I bit down my lip.

I hid back behind the mailbox when I saw Naruto suddenly turn around. He jogged away. I shared a look with Izuna.

“You think he changed his mind?” I whispered.

“Depends...How good are you to him for him to not go for free booty?”

I gave Izuna a confused look before he wiggled his eyebrows.

“Oh no...Dude, I haven’t...No” I looked away.

“Never?” Izuna stopped whispering.

“No….I mean...We kissed...But..No sex”

I stared at the pavement. This was embarrassing.

“Not even?-”

I watched Izuna move his hand like he was jerking off the wind. I slapped his hand. There was a small silence before I shook my head.

“Oh my God, you are a saint!”

“Sush!” I hissed, putting my hand over his mouth.

“We are in a very vague spot” I didn’t know what else to say about it.

“Don’t tell Shisui” Izuna moved from squatting down to kneeling.

“Why?” I felt this lump in my throat. What the hell was he talking about.

“Because I owe him money and I spend all my money on these fabulous shoes” He said, showing them off.

“Dude, there is dog shit on them”

“Fuck!” He cursed.

“Sush!” I hissed.

“Come on, this is way worse! And this wouldn’t have happened if you just fucked that booty. Now we have no grounds to even murder him” Izuna seemed pissed.

“What do you mean I have no grounds?”

“It’s…” He sighed exhausted. The dirty shoes really made him angry. “It’s like an unwritten law. Call it..Animal law. You don’t own that territory until you’ve made it yours”

I looked away before looking back at Izuna.

“You...want me to pee on his junk?” I narrowed my eyes slightly.

“Dude, I don’t know what you are into-”

I suddenly heard somebody clear his throat loudly and both Izuna and I jumped up seeing Naruto lean over the mailbox and looking right at us.

“I’m not really into... getting pee on my junk” He had this innocent face, but I knew better than that.

“How much did you hea-”

“No.No..I am not saying anything until I hear what is going on here” He stopped leaning on the mailbox and folded his arms.

I looked at Izuna.

“We were…”

I know for a fact that I have this telepathic connection with most of my brothers. Where we just shared a look and were directly on the same page.

“Jogging”

“Spying on you” .

I ..Did not have this connection with Izuna.

At this point Naruto gave me the “are you fucking kidding me” look, but then he took a deep breath.

“I was going to assume you were going a great length to get some perfect gift or some bullshit...Because that’s..Like..How you are”

He gave me this disappointed look and mostly I would give in. If it wasn’t for the fact his side-hoe is in that house.

“Oh shut up!” I snapped, giving him the sassy index finger. “You can’t possibly think you are on any moral high ground here. You lied to me and you were so sure you could get away with it”

And there it was. I was hoping I was wrong.

Just...So wrong.

That he would come with some logical explanation which would leave me embarrassed. But instead...He looked away...Guilty

My heart dropped. I couldn’t even feel it beat anymore.

“I can explain-” He looked up.

“Oh fuck no!” I felt Izuna drag me behind him. “I don’t give a fuck if we are friend, hang out ...And that I had one sex-dream about you-”

“What?” Naruto looked surprised in a not so amused way.

“But if you are playing with my little brother. I will make your life miserable. I will make you cry and kill yourself-”

“Wow. Wow hold-up” Naruto put his hands up in an innocent way. “Playing?” He looked past Izuna to me.

“We hacked your computer, we know what you are up to and we even know the bitch’s name behind door number 37”

Naruto looked from Izuna to me and then back to Izuna...Before looking back at me.

“Wait..I thought you guys meant my birthday party...Why I invited Izuna on Friday and you on Sunday?”

“That was the big question..” I felt my throat go numb.

“Sasukeh! Do you really believe I am having some booty call here?”

“Yeah some bitch from chemistry class. Mitosis is her name” Izuna said. Still convinced.

“Mito” I corrected Izuna.

“And Seven!?” Izuna added

“Nana” I corrected Izuna again.

“I hate to be this person...Did you see my browser history?” He asked a bit careful.

“Ravenhotti69 amateur porn channel can wait..” I said, folding my arms.

“Fuck…” He muttered. “You got it all wrong” He sighed. “ frankly, I find it wrong of you to heck my computer instead of just...Talking to me”

“Don’t change the subject” I snapped. “You have not one..but two side-hoes!”

“Do you honestly hear yourself when you talk?!” He raised his voice.

“Hey, don’t you-”

“Izuna!” Naruto interrupted him. “You are my friend and I respect you and all, but you are making this worse” He looked back at me.

“On you?” Izuna cocked his head.

“Can we just talk without this...Judas-”

“Bitch, you haven’t even read the Bible” Izuna interrupted Naruto.

“Mito is my grandmother. I call her Nana..As in Granny!” He snapped. I could see the frustration in his eyes.

I saw Izuna turn his face to me before looking back at Naruto.

“Ha..Ha...We got you! Oh we got so under your skin! Haha there are camera’s everywhere! We got you good!” Izuna was backing slowly away.

“Haha..What a day for a prank, right? We should go..See ya~” He ran..

He ran as fast as the wind.

“Izuna!” I shouted.

“EVERY MAN ON THEIR OWN!” He screamed as he ran to the car.

“You….were my ride…” I shook my head. Just when I thought my brother was actually a good one….He betrayed me. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I stiffened.

“You know….We will send you a copy of the tape…” I said, but he didn’t buy it and I couldn’t blame him.

“I can’t believe you think so little of me” He shook his head.

I wished I was relieved knowing this chick was just some 80 years old grandma...But I was not feeling relieved...I felt like a complete moron.

“I should go…” I stared at the ground...Too ashamed to look at him.

“Hey…” He gently grabbed my chin and lifted it so I would look him in the eye .

“I am sorry. I was...I was “investigating”. I wanted to get you a very good birthday gift...But then Izuna said your party was on Friday and you invited me on Sunday...And I just got..So.So..Crazy. I directly assumed there was some bitch in your life..” I lowered my eyes.

“Izuna kinda encouraged my suspicion...So..I hacked your computer and went crazy on you...I mean...Your mom said “be safe” and it all made so much sense. I totally get you don’t want to see me. I should..Just..disappear”

There was a silence and I didn’t dare to even look at him. But then he started laughing. He let go of my chin, holding his stomach from the laughter.

“I have to admit you are crazy, dattebayo!” He said. I felt some sort of imaginary brick fall on my head.

“But..”He wiped away a tear from all the laughter. “They say jealousy means you care...right?”

“Who the fuck says that?” I frowned, “it makes no sense. It’s like psycho advice”

“I can forgive you...But I will make lots of fun of you for this” he said. He took a step closer to me, cupping my cheek.

“I have seen your browser history. You don’t wanna do that” I threatened.

“Oh fuck...How did you even-”

“I’m a man of many secrets” I said. I wrapped my arms around his middle and leaned my chin on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Naruto.I don’t see you that much anymore, and I just...Assumed ..”

I couldn’t even finish my sentence without sounding pathetic.

“It is not all your fault-”

I squeezed his middle.

“Don’t do that. I feel bad as it is” I said. I know he meant well.

“I should have been straight with you about why I invited you on Sunday and Izuna on Friday”

“Now that you mentioned it …” I broke the hug.

“It is a logical reason...I think..” He rubbed the back of his neck. “My cousin is organising a party in his house...down South...And there is going to be a lot of people, a lot of alcohol and loud music”

“And you knew I wasn’t into that and you didn’t want me to feel obligated to go for your sake ...So you didn’t tell me about it-”

He was quiet for a moment before nodding his head.

“Yes, totally that” He said.

An awkward silence emerged...Something told me he was not telling the truth.

“You...Wanna meet my grandma?” He asked and pointed at the house.

“I don’t think-”

“I think you owe me, dattebayo. She is going to love you” He wrapped an arm around my middle. I wondered if he just did that to drag me with him.

“I’m not so sure...What if she hates me. Am I even dressed well enough?”

“You look good” He placed a kiss on my cheek and I felt my face heat up. My heart was beating like crazy.

“Naru, how nice of you to visit your grandma again”

I looked at some young guy opening the door. I turned my head to Naruto and then back at the guy.

“Oh is this your classmate? Nice to meet you I am his grandmother’s nurse. I am usually here around this time a day”

“What a coincidence” I turned my head at Naruto and I swear I saw him smirk.

“Come in you two”

We took off our shoes before entering the living room where I saw an old lady with red hair sitting on a rocking chair, knitting something. She looked up and put her knitting work on her lap before opening her arms.

“Naruto” She seemed excited. Naruto hugged her.

“I want you to meet my friend. Sasuke”

“What? Sas-Uke?! Terrible name”

Naruto laughed before turning his head to me.

“Sasuke!” He repeated a bit louder.

“Ooh, come here,Sasuke. Give nana a hug”

I felt a little joy at this moment. It seemed she liked me enough to hug me already. I leaned in to hug her, but then I felt her sharp nails dig in my back as she whispered in my ear :”Stay away from my grandson, you bitch”

I broke the hug and gave her a shocked expression….Did I imagine this?

“You must want some orange juice. Iwabee, could you be so kind” Mito indicated to the nurse, who nodded. “Oh grab some pastries for my grandson. He so skinny” She shook her head.

“That dipshit’s genes” She muttered and I couldn’t believe nobody heard it except me.

“Oh, I have to go to the restroom. I will be back in a second” Naruto stood up and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with his grandmother.

She turned her head to me.

“You are just like him” She shook her head. “You are just as weak as that dipshit of a Minato.No backbone”

“So...I used to be in the police force-”

“Hiding behind your weapons, scaring kids who are just playing around” she snorted at me. “You people disgust me. My grandson deserves better”

“I busted big drug operations...I put murderers behind bars. I fought off people twice my size”

“And you are still full of shit” Mito said. I crossed my legs and leaned in.

“You’re on, old witch” I hissed.

“What?” She asked, leaning in.

“I said, you’re on, old witch” I raised my voice slightly.

“Speak up, pussy!”

“I SAID YOU'RE ON, OLD WITCH!”I shouted.

I fell right in her trap.

“Sasuke!”

I looked at the door, seeing Naruto stand there...Shit...This woman was smart.

“We were quoting...Wicked!” I faked a big smile before looking at Mito who shook her head.

“We were not” She said.

Naruto gave me a disproved look and I couldn’t believe I was put in such a situation.

Oxoxoxox

“What was up with you? I swear at some point I was worried you were crying in the bathroom” Naruto said, putting his hand in his pockets as he walked next to me on the pavement, away from the witch’s house.

“Oh I was..Mentally crying” I commented.

“What is your problem with her. I swear you are just like my father”

I looked at Naruto from the corner of my eye.

“You are acting weird just like my dad does every time we visit my grandma” He sighed.

“The truth-”

“She was a single mom. She raised my mom all alone. She did everything for her and for me” Naruto interrupted me

I am starting to understand why Minato never spoke up about it.

“I was acting weird...You are right. I just wanted...Her to like me so much..I went overboard” I said. “I am weird”

“That’s exactly what my dad always says...Ha..What a coincidence” Naruto wrapped an arm around me.

“Wanna ride home?” He asked.

“Ride?” I asked.

He held up car keys and it took me a second to understand what he was saying.

“Why didn’t you tell me you passed your driving test?” I asked, holding the keys. “Your mom’s car?”

“Because I wanted to surprise you-”

“By running me over?” I interrupted him.

“By taking you to a drive in” He said with a small smile. I stopped walking.

“I told you about my dad and the drive-in ...Three years ago”

His smile widened. He started walking again.

“I know...I remember” he said, opening the door of the car.

“So sweet” I said, sitting down.

“Everything for my main-hoe” He joked and I rolled my eyes. I deserved that. He closed the door before sitting down on the driver’s seat.

“But I promised myself not to take you there too often” he said.

“Because it is unhealthy?” I asked, fastening my seatbelt.

“No..Because I will have to get a mortgage to afford that. You eat so much”

“You are so romantic. Maybe after that we can just have sex in the back of the car”

“Are you serious?” His eyes had a sparkle in them.

“Yeah because I want my first time in the back of your mother’s car” I shook my head. “...It will be quite the story” he said, “but I did promise my mom not to get any cum on the interior..From my side-hoes”

I punched him in his shoulder.

“Speaking of side-hoes….The nurse”

“What? No..No!” He looked away.

“Uhu” I raised an eyebrow.

“I am there to visit my grandma..That there is a rather handsome guy, wearing shorts and bending over tables..Is just...Extra”

“You are such an asshole sometimes” I said, looking away.

“I am kidding, Sas-”

“You shouldn’t even be looking at that sloppy ass. Mine is like so much better. On a scale of one to ten. That ass is a four, but mine is a twelve..at least..Soooo~”

Naruto remained quiet as he looked at me.

“I legit thought for a second you were mad at me!”

I laughed.

I have no idea what I did to deserve him, but it must have been pretty damn good.

#narusasu #naruto #sasuke #18th birthday #I am also going to write about the actual party #but that and more in the next chapter

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veronica-rich · 7 years

Text

a meme during work downtime

5 things you can find in my blog

 1. Red Dwarf

 2. Political reblogs and original rants

 3. KITTIES

 4. In the spirit of #3, the occasional farm animal photo

 5. Contempt for willful idiocy

5 things you can find in my room

 1. A stuffed Wishbone dog dressed in his Sherlock cape and hat that I bought sometime 20 years ago during the Great Holmesian Read-Through

 2. One of those new memory-foam-type mattresses that witches must have invented, that comes in a flat, light roll and you cut it open, and it self-inflates to a firm regular mattress. WITCHCRAFT, I TELL YOU

 3. A pool cue I have never used to play pool

 4. An original lava lamp my mother purchased circa 1972 that has not been plugged in in probably 30 years

 5. The rolltop desk my grandma had when she was the age I am now, that I used to sit under and read her Erma Bombeck books when I was about 6

5 things I always wanted to do

  1. Finish writing a novel of original characters

 2. Finish getting my pilot’s license

 3. Open a fandom-themed B&B geared to small-sized fanfiction collaboration groups of friends to vacation and discuss/write (this is an idea I’ve had for 20 years and I’m never going to afford it, so there’s no use being all secretive about it, LOL)

 4. I still wouldn’t mind meeting Michael J. Fox. I’ve liked him for over 30 years and he’s done a lot of good philanthropy and public policy work for Parkinson’s too

 5. Figure out my ideal career and GET it

5 things that make me happy

1. Finding new podcasts I really like

 2. SLEEP

 3. Traveling, when I have time and money

 4. The fact I live in a time when I can stay single and it not be a big deal in society (born 100 years ago, I would have murdered someone trying to make me get married or keep house)

 5. People I like, i.e. my sister, friends, Dad once in a while, etc. LOL

5 things on my to-do list

 1. Finish writing one of my books someday

 2. Catch up on all the sleep I’ve given up in my adult life to work and, when younger, a social life (when I’m dead maybe - HA)

 3. Get a job that pays better and I can learn new things

 4. Come up with more goals just in case I win the lottery someday

 5. Play the lottery more than twice a year

5 things you might not know about me

 1. When I was a sophomore in college, I took as one of my few free electives a night class on aviation (I tried to join the Air Force at 17 upon graduation from high school, but I was too fat for their requirements). I passed the FAA Pilot Ground Test with a high score, but only ever took a couple of air lessons because they’re incredibly expensive (you need about 35-40 hours of in-air training to take the test, and each lesson is about 1-1.5 hours and, at last count close to 20 years ago, cost anywhere from $70-$120 an hour).

 2. When I was a young reporter, I wrote a series of articles exposing an incompetent D.A. trying to undo the violent rape conviction his predecessor had secured after much trouble against a guy who super-duper deserved it - this guy was sentenced to 30-some years for raping the woman AND was picked up later going to intercept her for an unwanted “date” with a backseat full of weapons. The rapist was set free on a technicality and I spent the next 18 months I worked at that paper with weapons literally in and by my bed because I started getting you-can-hear-them-breathing hang-up calls at all hours, since my name was on those articles (and when the guy was originally sentenced, he’d threatened the other women then associated with the case, including the then-D.A., the victim, and a couple of witnesses). The pool cue mentioned above in my room was given to me by one of those witnesses who owned a bar, to protect myself.

 3. One of my phone interviews with Aaron Sorkin for an article I wrote about his show “Sports Night” was done while he was on the set of filming one of the first episodes of a new show that hadn’t yet premiered, “The West Wing.” There was speaking and noise in the background the whole time and he finally asked at one point, “Is it noisy here?” When I said yes, he laughed. “That’s just Martin recording a speech back there for one of his scenes.” It was Martin Sheen.

4. My now-dead Grandma R. was simultaneously one of the most old-fashioned and most progressive women I knew. She probably had the most to do with my personality. She always used to say of girls in the local high school who got pregnant “there all sorts of birth control we didn’t have when I was their age, why don’t these kids USE it?” But if she heard a pregnant girl was marrying the boy, she’d say “why compound one mistake with another?” She was also not anti-abortion, taught me to read at the age of 3, and never discouraged me from reading anything from her shelves or the library, whether it was smutty romances at age 10 or Stephen King at age 11. She wasn’t exactly liberal, but she would have pronounced Donald Trump a complete idiot, as well as those who voted for the charlatan.

 5. I once was pulled in tow around a mall with Ed McMahon and his assistant and this three-girl singing group (who could’ve been the Knowles sisters for all I remember), which was one of the odder celebrity interviews I did. He was promoting some "Next Big Star” talent thing, which went to malls across the country. I just dropped by to get a couple photos and talk with the man for 5-10 minutes, and ended up being pulled along for near to an hour as he talked, they talked, I tried to get away, and people stared. Ed was a LOT taller than he looked on TV, and a lot less affable - he was, at the same time, kind of a jackass and oddly friendly. I still have a magic marker he loaned me and forgot to take back, that I used for years until it dried up, and the photo I took with him for Grandma R.

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thepawslady · 4 years

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I bought an alligator. -Fiction/short story

**THIS STORY WAS SUBMITTED TO GVSU FOR WRT 219 BY ME. DO NOT COPY.* Henry ate my homework. No not ate, he devoured. I guess this is what you get when you go to the pet store to adopt a big dog but come out with a 12 foot alligator with white knife teeth and dandelion eyes instead.

Last week while watching Game of Thrones when Ari killed the man that stole her sword Needle someone started knocking on the front door. My stomach dived to my toes. It is 11 at night, who would be at my front door? Mom and dad were at a concert but they would use the garage to come into the house not the front door. Slowly, while trying to breathe and not think about every episode for Criminal Minds, I crept to the kitchen to grab a chef knife. If the door person had a gun, I was dead. If they didn’t, I better figure out how to use this thing within the next 20 feet. I wish I had Maddix still. Maddix, my family’s 7 year old Boxer, died 3 years ago from an unknown illness that made him wither away in front of our eyes for 2 years no matter what we did or the test he received. Now gone, I have never felt so unprotected. Tiptoeing to the door, I side step over to the stairs to look out the landing window I see two figures in front of my door. One of them had a dark brown coat wearing an evergreen cap with white lines. I relaxed. Murders weren’t knocking on my door for me to invite them in. It was my parents. Why they didn’t use the garage door I have no idea. Still holding the knife in hand I open the door for my parents.

“ELLA!” my dad said shaking his head in frustration.

Why am I in trouble for being safe?

“What?” I ask in a little bit of anger and more disbelief.

“Why are you holding a knife towards me and your mom?” Dad said as he pushes past me to the walk way.

“I didn’t know who you are from this side of the door.” I said. Is he really this obtuse with his old age? I shut the door behind him and mom.

He sighed in exasperation.

I climbed back into the couch wrapping myself in the wool blanket still warm from before to watch my show alone.

The next day I drove to a pet store with the best of intensions to adopt a guard dog. One with a big bark that sounds like thunder. But I walked in to Pet Supplies Plus and I saw him. It was almost as if wedding bells went off in my head like I meet my soulmate in animal form. One call to the vet later to clarify that I have never owned an alligator or any other pets, I was walking out of Pet Supplies Plus at the speed of an alligator on land, and by the time I got his 12 foot body into my car his name was Henry.

Henry was a trouble maker from the beginning. Since we got home he has snapped at my mom’s cats, tried to bite my ankles, and now has eaten my homework. The temperament wasn’t a problem. It was what I asked for but at the same time he loves to snuggle, go swimming, and for walks. So when he ate my homework of course I scolded him, I mean you can’t allow bad behavior to go unpunished. After cleaning up the homework confetti all over the kitchen floor that my mother freshly washed I gave him the semi-tire that he likes to chew on and put him outside.

With it being the first Wednesday of the month, I needed to douse him in this veterinary prescribed lotion to keep his coarse skin moisturized and Henry’s moss scales shimmering. When I adopted Henry I was told to take him to Dr. Smith, a reptile specialist in downtown Grand Rapids. At Henry’s physical Dr. Smith said that I should cover him up once a month with lotion. But when I say physical it was more like a spay day for him and an unexpected pay day for the vet. Henry enjoyed an alligator facial and dental work while his nails were gleaming pears.

To get Henry up to the bathroom I had to walk Henry up the sandpaper-carpet stairs from the living room which as you can image was like walking grandma up a flight of stairs. With his short t-rex arms as legs, it takes him a minute to lift his legs one at a time to step up.

In the bathroom I grab open the five gallon tub of alligator moisturizer. Whoever designed the bucket was very genius to place mermaid scales on the label. It must mean that his rocky skin will become slick and smooth. I grabbed a glob and like any mother of an alligator would do started lathering Henry up to be as smooth as a baby’s bottom.

“You know Henry,” I leaned into the bath tub even more “you really need to learn to walk faster. Maybe you should go on run with mom. Or should I get you’re a treadmill?” I said to him while vigorously rubbing in his lotion on this webbed toes.

The following day grew with sunshine and ice melting happiness! I maybe a bit optimistic but I think that I can bring Henry out for a walk. I opened the black bench that holds his harness and leash. It was a nice day to get Mr. Lazy Bones outside and walking. He must have gained 35 pounds from the polar vortex.

The best thing about living next to the schools is that there is a stream that Henry likes to play in during days like today. He can bask in the sun, can swim, eat, and play with the ducks till his little heart is filled with joy. Henry zoomed out of the water towards to swan duck. Leaping into the air the duck flew above five feet away from where he was before. Not the best performance from Mr. Duck.

Standing on the white gazebo seems to be sturdy enough to stand shaking while Henry thrashes around in the water under me. His tail seems to be doing most of the damage here. No surprise there, he practically knocks everyone down in the house with that thing. The water was drowning the landing underneath the gazebo.

CLUNK. CLUNK. CLUNK.

I stop breathing. The hair on my arms became goose flesh.

CLUNK. CLUNK. CLUNK.

I turned around and screamed like I was getting murdered because I’m probably about to be. There was a tall woman. She was wearing black jeans, Adidas sneakers, a black Adidas running jacket, and of course sunglasses. Typical murder get up according to Criminal Minds and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and this was not the time to start thinking about that. I fished around in my pocket while maintaining complete sunglass-contact with this crazy lady. Found it. I’m so glad my dad made me put the pepper-spray on my keychain.

Slowly she starts to step towards me and I started stepping to the side. If I can switch places with her and run into the water with Henry I’ll be safe. Henry may not be a guard dog and have a loud bark like I wanted but he can protect me. Or at least I hope he will. Step one for me and two steps for her. Okay that isn’t good.

“Uh hi” I said

“Hi” she said

“What can I do for you?” I asked politely. No need to sound mean or nasty when this lady can knock me off at any moment. Why rush it?

“Give me your wallet.” She said. Is that what she’s after? My wallet? I live two minutes away so I didn’t bring my wallet. I walked here with my alligator.

“I don’t have it. I walked here.”

I side stepped again but smaller so she couldn’t see it.

“Yes you do” she said

The gazebo stopped shaking or I started too just as badly.

“No I don’t.” step again.

That’s when she lunged at me. My soul jumped out of my body and my banshee scream cued the ducks to start hurdling in the air. SPLASH. SPLASH. SPLASH. I must have scared Henry too. I launch myself towards the gazebo entrance like a hyena sneaking up on a juicy antelope. Without stealth and a little off balance. As I run out, Henry dashes in. He stops a few feet in looking up and down at my attempted robber; assessing the situation and drawing his own conclusions.

My robber freaks out. She start waving her hands in the air to scare Henry away. This only made him angry and he started hissing at her. Well this was new. I’ve never heard him hiss before. Ms. Robber was jumping up and down making threatening moves towards him to get to me. Henry started beating his tail around showing his aggression. Ms. Robber stops moving. She must have gotten the message that Henry isn’t scared of her little body. But before I blink Henry leaps at the robber attaching to her leg; bring her down to the ground with a loud thud. Thrashing Ms. Robber’s body around like a rag doll, blood was spraying like a sprinkler in summer. Henry must have hit a fatal artery. CRAP.

“HENRY DROP IT” I yell.

He let go of the shredded leg. Stepping back two paces he eyed Ms. Robber who is now screaming like her leg just got attacked by an alligator. But at least she was down.

I reach for my phone to call the police. In short staccato sentences I attempt to replay the events to the operator. I started to panic. They’re going to call animal control and take Henry away! I can’t let that happen. I strapped him back into his harness and attached his leash. I look over and my robber’s body is lying limp.

In 10 minutes an ambulance and sheriff was on scene and carrying Ms. Robber’s body away. Henry killed her. He really killed someone. I can’t blame him. I can’t be angry. I’m worried though. He’s an alligator that just killed someone.

Holding onto Henry's leash with Henry on the other end, I walk over to the police officer.

“Can I bring Henry home now?” I asked him

“Yeah we’re all set.” He said not even looking at me.

“What’s going to happen to Henry?” I ask

“That thing has a name?” The officer ask in horror, or maybe it was shock.

“Yes” I said. Why is that a problem? He shakes his head as if he couldn’t understand why I named my alligator.

“Your alligator, uh Henry, saved your life. We’re treating this like a self-defense case.” I sucked in my breath. He can’t be serious.

“And because you can’t take an alligator to court we have to let him go.” He end with a note of finality.

My heart broke. Henry was going to live. I was freaking out for the last hour thinking that they were going to shoot him dead because he killed a human life. But instead, the officer is going to let Henry and I go free. I started to cry for Henry's safety. Henry is safe. I was able to breath evenly again and not breath out in shallow gasp.

Two weeks later I pulled into the Pet Supplies Plus parking lot in the rear so henry can have room to get out. If I’m getting him a friend he should have a say on the species and who. I can’t make all of his decisions. Stalking into the over populated pet store Henry starts to make a B-line towards the back. Does he remember this place? Is it the smell? Patrons parted like the Red Sea as Henry bolted down the aisle. Little kids with fear written across their face where begging their parents to pick them up. Henry wasn’t a monster, they were. Kids leave a path of destruction wherever they go while Henry just glides right on through. He may have killed someone but he was a good boy. Walking to keep up with his gallop, I follow him into the back of the store. That’s when he froze and I started to laugh. Henry’s eyes light up with hearts. About 30 feet away was another alligator.

We named her Shelby.

#shortstory fiction creativewriting

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