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catindabag · 11 months

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TBOSAS on Crack short take (32)

Lepidus: Hello, Panem! Welcome back to our show, The Table Talk. I’m your host, Lepidus Malmsey for Capitol News-

Casca: Start the show already!

Lepidus: Fine! For this season’s ✨Stars of The Week✨, we have invited our beloved Mentors from The Academy to sit down and chat with us!

Mentors: Hello, everyone.😔

Festus: *Quickly stands up* Can I switch seats with Pup? Arachne is giving me a lot of “evil vibes” today.😬

Arachne: *Is still wearing a neck brace after the Sandwich Zoo Incident* Oh, don’t act so f*ckin’ innocent, Creed. You tried to kill me in front of my Tribute 2 days ago!

Festus: Kill you?! I literally saved you from being stabbed and choked to death by your Tribute, you ungrateful spider!

Arachne: Oh, yeah! You freaking shoved me first, garbage boy!

Festus: You punched my beautiful face and gave me a black eye, you spoiled witch!

Arachne: Pay my hospital bills first, you trash loser!

Festus: Pay mine, you monster!

Casca: At least smile and look happy while arguing!

Festus: I’m doing my best!

Lepidus: Can we go back to-

Casca: Dammit it, Creed! Sit the f*ck down!

Festus: Fine!

Arachne: Suck a di-

Felix: Alright! That’s enough! Let’s go back to you, Mr. Malmsey.

Lepidus: Finally! My first question is for anyone and everyone.

Felix: Ok. Let’s hear it.

Lepidus: So what were your first thoughts and reactions when you first found out that you got selected for the Mentorship Program?

Livia: Unsurprised as always.

Juno: As expected for a Phipps.

Florus: My parents almost smiled at me. Almost.

Felix: My granduncle created another useless national holiday to celebrate my success.

Coryo: My cousin baked me a cake made out of cabbages.

Sejanus: My father threw money at me like confetti.

Festus: To be honest, I wasn’t even aware of the program. I just got in, and here we are.

Androcles: Just like we planned!

Lepidus: What do you mean by that?

Pup: What do you mean by what?

Lepidus: Weren’t you all selected because you guys are simply the best and the brightest of your year?

Hilarius: Fairly selected?!

Livia: I’m so sorry but I never heard of her before.

Domitia: The Best and the brightest?! Who told you that lie?

Persephone: You’re joking right?! I mean, just look at us!

Festus: Me?! The Academy’s village idiot?!🤣

Florus: Half of my grades are sh*t!

Pup: Sleeping and skipping classes are my best subjects!

Palmyra: Who told you I was smart?

Apollo: I’m not even the best at finger painting class.

Dennis: Do people honestly believe that BS?

Androcles: Now that’s funny!

Lysistrata: I have at least 15 demerits to my name, you know.

Coryo: Physical Education hates me! And delusional Dean Highbottom hates me!

Sejanus: Dr. Gaul personally banned me from attending her class. And my grades are also sh*t.

Gaius: Don’t look at me. I’m just the class clown, bro.

Diana: And honestly, Clemensia’s the only student who deserves to be here fair and square. But as for the rest, let’s just say, we used other means.😈

Lepidus: What other means?!

Felix: Mr. Malmsey, not to be rude, but I have to know, who told these lies to you?

Lepidus: Your Dean told me-

Casca: I swear it wasn’t me!

Lepidus: Right. So just for the record, you’re all confessing, just now, on LIVE TV, and in front of me, that not one of you is a top performing student at The Academy?!

Felix: Unfortunately, yes.

Festus: Never was and never will be.

Lepidus: So you all have demerits?

Festus: My demerit count is 92 and counting!😀

Lysistrata: Shut it, Creed! You’re not suppose to say that on TV.

Felix: Yeah! What will the rest of Panem think of us now?!

Festus: Panem is thinking about us?

Coryo: Since when?

Lepidus: But seriously, how the heck did all of you become our official mentors then?

Felix: Ravinstill Nepotism!

Androcles: My mama blackmailed my way into that list, sweetheart!

Coryo: Easy. I just pretended to be Dean Highbottom’s dead boyfriend and persuaded him to add me on that list while he was drunk.

Casca: Crassus, my love, why did you betray me again?! I was super drunk!😭

Sejanus: Just ask my father. His money don’t jiggle jiggle. It folds.

Lysistrata: I just gave our Dean a free but fake morphling prescription.

Casca: That was fake?!

Livia: My mama threatened Highbottom with a fake tax evasion allegation.

Juno: I’m literally ✨Old Money Capitol Royalty✨.

Palmyra: Food poisoning.

Lepidus: Can you elaborate on that?

Palmyra: No.

Florus: Simple. The Ring twins and I just asked Urban and Io to hack the Dean’s personal computer and change the final list of Mentors before the day of the announcement.

Io: It was dangerous.

Diana: But it was worth it.

Urban: True. And to be fair, I was already on that list.

Apollo: Whatever you say, Math Freak.

Pup: My father just used his military connections while I was busy sleeping.

Persephone: My papa threatened to eat the Dean.

Dennis: I just convinced one of my professors to let me in.

Lepidus: How?!

Dennis: Do you want to receive a horse head before going to bed?

Lepidus: No.

Gaius: I just told another “your mama” jokes to one of the School Board Officials.

Lepidus: That’s it?

Gaius: Yeah. What more can you ask?

Domitia: My papa gave Dr. Gaul 200 chickens and 20 dairy cows.

Arachne: My mama promised the Dean and the whole faculty members a free vacation getaway this summer.

Iphigenia: I kid you not, my crazy papa threatened to destroy the food industry if I didn’t get in.

Vipsania: Clearly, I just got in because my aunt (Professor Sickle) threatened to throw the Dean out of a window if I wasn’t on the list.

Festus: Honestly, I just strolled into Heavensbee Hall, crashed the ceremony uninvited, sat down on one of those fancy “Mentors only” seats, and everybody just accepted it.

Lepidus: So you just illegally got in through sheer dumb luck?

Festus: Well, the odds are always in my favor, Leppy.

Clemensia: *sighs* So it’s true. I’m the only student who got in by literally doing my best.

Coryo: Yup. That’s right, Clemmie!

Clemensia: Why am I even here? Just to suffer?!😩

Sejanus: How about you, Heavensbee?

Hilarius: I just blackmailed my creepy father to let me in, or else I’ll stop giving him some of my cute and candid photos of Coryo and Felix.

Coryo: What the f*ck, Hilari!

Felix: How the heck did you take my photos without me knowing?!

Coryo: And why give them to your creepy old man?!

Hilarius: None of your business.

Coryo: Hilari, I swear I will literally file a restraining order against your whole family if you keep giving away my cute photos like candy.

Felix: My granduncle will hear about this!😡🔪

Hilarius: Why are you being mean to me?! It’s not my fault you two were born gorgeous!😭

Sejanus: Can I see those cute photos of Coryo?🥺

Lysistrata: Can I sell those photos?

Casca: Can I have one?

Lepidus: What is wrong with all of you?!

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