#yeah there ABSOLUTELY NO aspect of this whole thing that's either sane or moral or acceptable

[rapha-reads]

My mother cheating on my father with a guy 30 years younger than her and when we tell her it's disgusting and unacceptable she tries to justify herself like "Oh, this is so Christian moral and catechism puritanism from you" and "This is the patriarchy that's talking".

.... Are... Are you trying to justify your CHEATING on your husband since 1990 on feminism and freedom? ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT, YOU WILL. She thinks she's not in the wrong because, what, fuck her Christian education and she's a woman, she can do anything she wants ? Is she FUCKING KIDDING ME???

YOU CHEATED, YOU ARE CHEATING, YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING FOR MONTHS, YOU FUCKING JERK.

You hurt your husband, you threw him out of the house, you hurt your children, you think you can come back to my father's village? Your youngest daughter is TWELVE, and you're hurting her so much she's bottling everything in so well she could win an Oscar already, AND YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG OR MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE ?

What sort of fucked up imaginary world are you living in that cheating is acceptable. For heaven's sake. She had the galls to tell me "adultery is banal, it's ordinary, everybody is doing it, it's not serious; don't be so dramatic". *screams* Hi, hey, if everybody is jumping off the bridge, are you going to jump too? Have you not PAID ATTENTION? Wars, murders, catastrophes have been done because of CHEATING, it is not a MODEL, it's a warning!!! Wtf, wtf, WTF.

I'm tired, I'm so tired. I have a thesis to write and I can't bring myself to work because my mother is throwing away all her life, acting in a shameful and unacceptable way, and disrespecting her family. My grandfather and my uncle and aunts aren't aware yet, but when they learn, oh boy, they might jump in a plane for Morocco to go yell at her.

Anyway. I'm having a real bad time these days and my only solace, my only salvation, are my sisters and my brother.

#rapha talks #so this rant is on one hand to let you know why i'm not very active right now and on the other hand just to rant bc i needed to get it out #on telling her that there is a real imbalance a giant red flag in her rship with the guy she tries to tell me i'm being patriarchal #Is she fucking kidding me #did she get a lobotomy in secret and that's why she's dropped her brain off and is acting in that unrecognizable way???? #because we (siblings+father) are truly starting to believe that she's actually sick for acting like that #she tried to explain that she's free and she can do whatever she wants because it's her life and she can't resist her desires #???????????? #I AM CONFUSION #i know you guys don't have all the details in hand but please please tell me we're not blowing things out of proportion #because i'm seriously starting to doubt my sanity my morals and my grasp on reality #i'm having a bad depressive episode right now and the one person who was 50% of my support system is gone #(as an added layer of unhealthiness: the guy in question is 23 + a blackafrican immigrant in morocco undocumented - she's white and settled #yeah there ABSOLUTELY NO aspect of this whole thing that's either sane or moral or acceptable #and i am going crazy and my father is in very bad shape he's not sleeping or eating anymore #and she refuses to question herself or think over her actions #oh and the other thing is that they both (parents) want me to come home to get a job back where i worked last year #her because she wants the money i could bring (my salary last year wasn't mine it all went to the family) #him so i can take a flat and take my youngest sister with me because i'm the second mother and she can't stay with Her and her lover #and i am so tired #so very tired

[god-hunter]

All Over the Place w/ Nowhere to Go

Hey Tumblr,

I suppose it’s time to talk about Covid-19.  I’m really scared about what’s happening in the World right now and it’s absolutely affected every aspect of my Social Life at this point.  I’m not going to work anymore, although I do still technically have a job, of which I’m grateful.  However, how long that job will actually last is up to debate.  It’s a Process Serving Company.  Ya know, for when people get served papers for not paying their bills on time?  Yeeeeeeahhhh... that’s not exactly essential at this time of year.  

Yet, my company has ignored all the warnings, had us come in, attempted a work from home option, but didn’t offer it to many of us.  My boss even approached me about doing something different during this strange transition, and I said yeah, but nothing on that has resurfaced.  Instead another week went by where my work was dwindling and getting slower and slower.  There were a few boring and empty days, meanwhile other people were lamenting about lay offs. That put me in a weird place.  Then, they eventually asked if we’d be comfortable to still come in on Monday - [This past Monday 3/23] and at first I said yeah, but then I thought about my current situation at home and had to make a hard moral choice. It was absolutely the right thing to do.

For the moment, I currently live with my parents again.  And the more I go into work, the more I risk bringing home the virus to my parents, who are absolutely in the demographic of being very weak and prone to the infection.  I’d never be able to live with myself if something happened to them.  I’m trying desperately to get out of there, but Covid-19 is interrupting that, for the time being.  So I spoke with my Mom about it and at first she told me to do what feels right. I told her, I’m either not going to work, or I’m moving in to this new place before it’s ready.  She eventually conceded that even under the best of conditions, it’s always hard to go through a move.  And when it comes to work, no amount of money is worth the risk of what these stakes are.  Like I said, if anything happened to them, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

....and now a Co-worker just forwarded me an e-mail which basically says that they need to lower wages and/or cut work hours based on the minimal work that’s coming in at this time.  What the FUCK Man!!!  Just let us go at this point!

Regardless either way I slice it, technically I don’t have insurance anymore.  So that’s just great.  I’m literally processing that right now as of a minute ago.  I am absolutely getting my Meds TOMORROW.  And I’ll just see if it’s the usual price or the absolute rip-off that I remember from years ago.

FUCK!  And here all I wanted to do was complain about my Ex and talk about girls.  Now none of that fucking matters anymore.  Literally right before this, I was lamenting about how my Ex is upset with me because I deleted all of our pictures from Facebook.  Except with Facebook, it’s never really deleted.  Anything on FB that you were tagged in, is still on your page until you remove the tag or ‘Hide’ them.  Well, I’m tired of going through the emotional duress, so I decided that the public photos that I can’t touch will just remain.  At least for now.  I even read an article on FB etiquette over this thing, because I heard enough different responses that I was like, “Really???”

First of all...  Deleting photos is healthy.  Its a sign of moving on.  I just figure, save them all in a folder and be done with it.  One day I’m gonna meet a girl, and I’m not gonna want her to see all these pictures of me with my ex.  Especially if I’m gonna be dating soon.  But again, that’s where the whole Covid thing comes in to interfere.  And again, considering that it’s affected my job to this capacity, now none of that even matters.  Just another emotion I’m navigating through.

To that end, I have minimal updates on any of the girls I’m talking to, because well... there’s nothing to do.  Covid has forced me to be a shut in.  My daily schedule literally consists of getting up, having breakfast, playing video games/going for a walk (not always in that order), having lunch, being social/watching a thing (not always in that order), having dinner, putting on a movie/being social. (Again not always in that order).  I’ve been staying sane during my Quarancation.  Taking it day by day.  But today has been truly taxing on my mind.  And also, I haven’t gone for a walk yet because my feet hurt.  I literally cut up my heels walking, because the shoes somehow scrape against the back of my heel, yet are comfortable enough for typical walking/sitting.  What the Hell?

The minor updates are all online via text or FB.  So I’ll start with texting Bakery Girl.  Not much doing.  We barely talk.  I’m not getting much of a vibe from her if any.  So I’m not going out of my way to text her every night or every other day.  But when we talked last night it was primarily about work and how times is scary.  Her bakery is still open, but then we talked about my job and what little we’ve heard from people that are still in there.

Next I’ll bring up Gamer Girl.  This one already has an ending, since the last entry.  We’re just gonna be friends.  However, I’ve noticed that she likes to message me when she gets home from work and talk for the literal hour she has before she goes to bed.  I think it’s sweet, but I also don’t... care?  I dunno. It’s literally going nowhere and would’ve been a bad idea in the first place.  Still though she reminds me that we WILL do Video Games and Pizza again, and she Will come over to my new place once it’s all set to do different games with me there.  Again, I think that’s awesome.  There’s also a flirty weird vibe about her conversation.  But she already said it won’t get weird.  She has a Poly Partner she visits and that completely works for her.  So there it is.

Now I’ll actually add a new name to this list.  Let’s call her Zombie Girl.  This one is an old friend, whom I met when I was 15.  She was way older and never on my radar.  In fact... I was illegal. o.o But fast forward to when I was like 24 or something, I definitely did a lot of theatre gigs on drums, while she acted.  Didn’t think much of anything with her, but she was always nice and silly to talk to.  One random cast party, she was absolutely all over me, drinking, talking and just hanging around me all night.  There might’ve been arm over the shoulder stuff, but nothing serious.  Then, when we said goodnight, she walked me to my car and was drunk enough to not give a fuck and kiss me goodnight right on the lips. I remember saying, “Goodnight Zombie,”  [Insert real name there] and that was the end of the flirtship.  I was not into her, man.  I didn’t want to do that and make it super weird. The friendship remained, however. She met someone, I met someone and 5 years went by with barely any talking!  Now however, with all of this Covid loneliness, I looked at old conversations, even when we were just friends.  And they were absolutely flirty.  And I just missed her, so... we’re talking again. Its absolutely nothing.  Just a lot of catching up and shooting the shit out of boredom.  She completely understood not keeping in touch though as we’ve both been in relationships.  As far as hanging out is concerned, right before Covid got grimly serious, she mentioned that she was interested in “shenanigans” with me.  She desperately wanted to get out of the house too, whether that would happen or not.  Now its absolutely not happening however, because everyone’s basically shut in right now. Now I’ll bring up a more significant friend.  This one I’ll call Canada Girl.  Similar year - back in 2013/2014, we had very flirty chemistry online.  This one went to High School with me.  She was a Freshman when I was a Senior and I didn’t pay her much mind.  When I was 24 though, she was 20.  Not a bad age difference.  But enough of one.  She had moved to Canada at some point, but was actually in town.  And I remember completely flaking on her when she wanted me to save her from being at her Grandma’s.  That was stupid. She absolutely broke up with her boyfriend too and went to a party where she just wanted to get fucked up and have a good time.  ::snaps fingers::  But I wasn’t into it at the time.  Whatever I was doing, it clearly was more important to me than randomly catching up and trying my luck with her. Now, however the story is once again different.  She actually hit Me up on Facebook and we had a good talk.  We both apologized for not keeping in touch, and there is already light flirty chemistry, but for the most part it’s very normal.  I won’t lie to you.  It was even like, a week before my Ex and I got together that we were pseudo-porn sharing on FB.  I mean, we got that weird with each other. So who the fuck knows?

And speaking of Porn Sharing, I was starting to think that my time with the Significant Party of the Significant Couple was a one-time only.  But nah, man.  For the past 2 nights we’ve been giving each other attention of the stimulating variety, and it was more than appreciated on my end.  I’m still so grateful to have that person in my life.  Lately I’ve been a moody shit, and it pleases me that they get it.  I’ve certainly been there for them.  So I like that they can handle me when I’m not at my best.  And I certainly don’t take it out on them.  Instead this is a very chill, ‘there when ya need me’ kind of relationship.  I’m really getting used to it, and it hasn’t gotten weird at all with the other person in the Significant Party.

It’s almost needless to talk about why I’ve been Moody.  It’s literally everything, dude.  Navigating the aftermath of this Relationship bothers me.  I’m over it.  I’m getting over it.  But I’m not fully out of it yet.  What I mean is, my stuff is still there.  Not all of it.  Just the tough stuff, like my furniture.  So I need to eventually get it out of there.

But that can’t happen until my place is ready.  Of which it isn’t yet.  Almost, but not quite.  Estimated time is 3/31-4/3.  If I’ve given any updates, the carpets were installed on 3/23, which is a miracle, because by then, Covid had really kicked in, forcing all non-essential businesses to close.  So I’m really grateful for that.  But now my Landlord has this whole other laundry list of things he wanted to do.  Too many to list.  So I’ll just leave it with, best case, it’s ready on Tuesday the 31st, or Friday the 3rd.  That’s really not terrible at all.

My next move was gonna be to get my friends to help me get this furniture in there.  I was gonna rent a UHaul truck and just knock it out in one day.  Apparently they’re still open.  But none of my friends budged.  Covid is really shutting ALL of them in.  Even my toughest and closest friends who promised to help. Of course I’m annoyed, but I get it.  This is Literally the worst time to move.

And now of course, since deleting the FB pictures, my Ex got really upset and changed the nicknames on our chat.  I knew it was gonna happen eventually, but now she’s no longer Darling Love and the heart emoji is just a thumbs up again.  When she made the change, I gave her a thumbs up and she said nothing.  Today when I tried to talk business, she was super short, but said sure, about coming over tomorrow.  I was gonna take measurements and my TV stand to start this furniture process.  Instead, she wants to do the measurements herself, which is fine, but since I noticed the aggression, I asked if we were okay, and she let on that she was pissed about me deleting the FB pictures.  I had saved them all in a folder on Dropbox and given them to her.  They are on my computer as well.  But I don’t think she cares about that.  I think it’s more the fact that I did it without warning or consulting her about it?  Which in a way is none of her business, because it’s my profile and I need to be comfortable with the content I have on there. On the other hand, it may seem like I’m trying to erase the last 5 years of my life, but I’m honestly not.  I just... can’t look at them anymore.  Not on Facebook.  But in my own folder, I will.  In my own time, if I want to.  This is the stuff she doesn’t want to talk about.  She wants her space.  And she really doesn’t want to see me this weekend.  So she won’t.

Doesn’t change the fact that I need my TV Stand.  And the rest of my furniture.  But as her replacement one hasn’t come in yet and my place isn’t ready yet, we can push that back for another week.  Her replacement TV stand should come in on 4/3, which is the latest my place will be ready, possibly.

So now I have some things to mull over.  But definitely it seems like whatever I do, my next move is gonna involve getting Movers to help me with this stuff, if any are in operation right now. My friends would absolutely help, but Covid... I honestly expect the same answer from any of the Movers.  And if that’s the case, I’m gonna be pissed, because then I truly am stuck...

But then, considering this new information about how my Job is truly going in the shitter now?...  Maybe stuck with my parents is exactly where I need to be at the moment...  I’m gonna be without insurance now, for who knows how fucking long.

I have money...  I can afford my meds.  But God damn, does that suck.

So yeah...  This is a really fucked up time.  So it was time for an update.

#All Over the Place w/ Nowhere to Go #Covid-19 #Work #Dating #Relationships #Friendships #Bakery Girl #Gamer Girl #Zombie Girl #Significant Party #The Ex #Moving #Stuck