#yayyy I love that this is like the third portion of my life where I have not had any actual friends 😍

[m-a-d-e-l-e-i-n-e]

(Me ranting to myself again)

I think my friends think I don’t give a shit about them or something because depressive episodes are a whole bitch to deal with, make me spiral and I will just not talk to anyone - plus they constantly convince me that my friends don’t care about me and only invite me to hangout things out of pity. Now I’m actually getting excluded from things and it’s ☹️☹️☹️ but I also know it’s my fault so shit I don’t really know what to do

#okay never mind I guess it isn’t really anyone’s fault necessarily but sometimes I feel like I’m using not feeling great as an excuse… #…to not reach out and not reciprocate #like… I feel like I could easily do more and I just don’t for some reason #this applies to a lot of aspects of my life though #hurts my feelings but at the same time I’ve been such a shitty friend especially since we all graduated high school so I guess I just keep.. #…convincing myself that I deserve it #or that maybe I’ve hurt my friends feelings too without realizing it #but then the cycle continues as I tell myself that they don’t care enough for me to have any sort of emotional impact on them #the one thing that my four months of therapy actually helped me with was to catch negative thoughts as they come and more deeply analyze… #…them and stuff and rationalize to yourself so that you can see how they’re actually irrational #but I still get caught up in those negative thought patterns and even if it doesn’t wreck me as much as it used to it still sucks #I’m making such a stupidly big deal out of this when all I have to do is just text my friends or talk to them #I don’t even know if they would consider my a friend like man I just feel so outcast from everyone #yayyy I love that this is like the third portion of my life where I have not had any actual friends 😍 #okay well I pretty much just have one friend at the moment but still #wow this is embarrassing and long #rants #txt #personal