#xoxotext

[tsunael]

Thank u all for the love on my set from earlier 👉👈 I'm glad some people enjoy the melodrama I weave.

#still fizzing about it tbh #xoxotext #I thought it was going to be too heavy handed but uguu

[cylleona]

personal

since I've moved out, my grandpa has started to cry every time he leaves my house saying 'I'm such a nice/good person' and there's just something heartbreaking about that to me. It hurts.

When I feel like I am just a decent human being and have done nothing but bring them down in life. All they've ever done is support me and I've done nothing in return.

#xoxotext #I hate the holidays

[tsunael]

When I write stuff and immediately go to sleep afterwards I check my blog the next day and feel like I was possessed by a demon because I forgot I wrote it.

That is a lot just to say: I woke up to so many kind messages on my last piece and wanted to say thank you 😔💜 and thanks for taking the time to read whenever i deem it's amateur hour.

#xoxotext #I'm very embarrassed about it but thank you

[tsunael]

finally did a gpose idea that's been percolating in my head for over a year sobs. Over 10 brio spawns and 22 shots later.

...now I just gotta retrofit it for my wolcred week and write a drabble for the whole thing 🙂💦

#yay look at her fucked up wrist i forgot to fix #AWWWW MAN #im so excited and exhausted at the same time #xoxotext

[tsunael]

10 characters/10 fandoms/10 tags

Tagged by : @icehearts & @aethergazing Tagging : Girl you think I know 10 people??

1. Bayonetta <- Bayonetta

I just love her, okay. She's gorgeous, she's confident, she's a witch that fights with her hair and can run 80 mph in 5in pumps. Jokes aside, I just love that her sexuality is a thing that she owns and has fun with-- and it's never used against her maliciously. (I also love her parallels to Dante my other fave). I could go on more but basically... she's truly one of a kind.

2. Akihiko Sanada <- Persona 3

My long-time beau. I RP'd him for about 8 years and met a lot of good people through that blog so I'm a little biased in how sentimental I am over him and Mitsuru. I'd add her too but I'm doing my best to be diverse here. Anyway, I just love him-- he fits all of my standards. He represents the Emperor arcana: the 'father' type. He's a control freak, he drags his guilt around by the ankle, is fiercely protective, has a little jealous streak, and is a hot-headed idiot (who is actually very smart)... And DON'T say it's because he has white hair.

3. Garnet <- Final Fantasy IX

The older I get, the more IX means to me. She has been my favorite since I was little. Not to get personal but I find her relatable: she grew up sheltered but was expected to do great things, and I am sympathetic that her mother (once kind and loving, even though we don't see it) was turned against her by forces she couldn't control. She deals with her grief more realistically than most FF heroines-- she gives into depression and self doubt but she never becomes bitter and that's something I want for myself.

4. Yuna <- Final Fantasy X

My grandma and I played all the FFs together, but the one that really made an impression was X. Yuna is my love: thematically, symbolically, and aesthetically. My sacrificial lamb who would burn herself to keep others warm. She takes her notoriety and her father's burden with grace and never shies from it even when she loses her faith in the system designed to throw her to the wolves. Also every line she has has such gravitas behind it... beautiful writing, beautiful voice acting. My forever girl.

5. Nier <- NieR

My doomed boy. I don't want to go into spoilers because Nier is more of a niche game, but I love him so much (and dadnier, too.) The moral quandary this game has... the morally grey protagonists... I love a character who loves with all his heart and would give anything for the people he loves. The side-story where it's implied he even ***** ******* for some coin was... man.

6. Kim <- Xenogears

Trying not to spoil here either it's just vague. IYKYK.

I thought about putting Elhaym here but I feel like the Zeboim era has more characterization than the main lol. Anyway. I love how he has become so cynical about the world around him, yet he is still willing to save and create life, only to find he suffers from the same affliction. As a scientist, he embodies the question: 'What makes a God?' and 'What is does it mean to be human?'. I love his story and I wish there was more.

7. Rubedo Yuriev <- Xenosaga

He's an idiot, he's a tragic figure, he's learned, he's traumatized, and his relationship with MOMO is uhhhhhh complicated. Honestly maybe I should have put Yuriev here because he's such an interesting villain. The URTVs are all squashed together for me like one big delicious smoothie anyway so.

Anyway Rubedo, your dad stared into The Abyss and it stared back and now he's insane and his fear of God and his own mortality was so strong he would use his own flesh and blood to run (and it was honestly really sexy of him) but what he never seems to grasp is that you can't run from what you can't see and sooner or later it will catch up.

8. Misato Katsuragi <- Neon Genesis Evangelion

Hi I love women with daddy issues.

I love her with Kaji. She looks for her father in him, while he's searching for his mother, but Misato, try as she may, she will never be a mother to anyone--not to Kaji, and certainly not to Shinji. There's a ton you can read into nge characters but there's something to be said about the trauma our parents force us (willing or unwillingly) to inherit, and how we hurt others as a result of that.

9. Dante <- Devil May Cry

He's so fucking stupid (affectionate). Dante Alighieri is rolling in his grave.

He's not only a boyloser but a boyfailure. He gets bullied by women and children and could probably suplex the earth. He loves his mom!!!

Anyway I love that he exudes a type of masculinity and machismo at first glance only to play the game and see he's a little fruity. I'm also a sucker for characters with duality themes that, when asked 'what makes us different?', the answer is because they chose to love-- which is not something you'd expect from a hack n slash game, inspired by resident evil in which you find new and exciting ways to kill things... yanno?

10. Kenzo Tenma <- Naoki Urasawa's Monster

I was running out of characters and was about to put Thancred or Squall but that's too many FFs so I tried to think of some anime that made an impression on me and Tenma came to me. We needed another Liam O'Brien rep here, clearly.

Anyway read/watch Monster if you haven't, it's an amazing mature series that barely feels like an anime.

Again, the themes of duality here-- who embraced life and who would rather take it? If Johan represents the inherent evil in the world, and man's propensity for it, then Tenma represents all that is good. He's just so tragic. The moment he finally stands up for himself he's punished for it, then when pushed to his limit, saves the life of a little boy only to be cursed for it. Even through everything he never gives up on people, and every life he touches is changed for the better. And that ending... oh man.

He's babygirl x100.

#tag game #thank you!! #xoxotext #i wrote this through several late nights so it's not very eloquent lmao

[tsunael]

I've been howling over this for the past 5 minutes I just want people to know

#xoxotext #what's his 🤙 asking for a friend /jk /jk /jk

[tsunael]

I want to have the knowledge and power to write the longform shb fic of my dreams. I want to shake a google doc and make words fall out of it.

and this is all brought to you by my sudden thought of how much vitriol Tsuna would have for gunblades only to find the man she hates the most using one. after thinking he was dead. also he has a child now. lmao.

#she'd be ready to explode in il mheg and the pixies are sharing popcorn me thinks #maybe she should punch him again. #xoxotext

[cylleona]

I am grieving so many things this year. I'm so tired of grieving.

I'm grieving a mother who is still alive, who reopens the wound wherever I'm reminded she exists. When I see my boyfriend's family interact, I am grieving the one I never had.

I'm grieving my dog of 13 years. My grandma is so broken up about it that it's affecting her health. I've been her only support system. I'm taking on my grandma's grief as my own.

I'm grieving friendships that I thought I had but never did, and lost relationships. People I wanted to be friends with taking me in bad faith. I'm so bad at dealing with people. People are constantly getting angry at me and twisting my words. I feel like I'm going insane.

I want friends but can't bear to keep them. Why try at all when it'll end up in heartache as soon as I feel comfortable around them.

#things are weighing on me today #xoxotext

[tsunael]

my sankyu posting from the other day got like 60 notes. The girlies long for the solo shots, I see.

I really do think I should just post thirst traps instead of [waves vaguely] whatever the fuck else I do in gpose.

#it's because im too embarrassed to look at him so I can't linger #but I know I could have so much power if I didn't care about being cringe #I could milk that cow figuratively and literally #xoxotext

[cylleona]

tell me what i even have to look forward to because im slowly losing it l-lol

#xoxotext

[cylleona]

it’s been a long time since i tumblr vented lmao

feelings suck and make me wish my meds had made me numb instead 

i’m also super lonely and feel like i’ve lost all my friends again, which is dumb, because if i could just initiate conversation more i could keep those friends. i hate thinking about how i have no friends irl, and how all the ones i did have have left or hate me. I hate feeling so desperate that i think of messaging my old friend from highschool again after she’s ignored me for so long. i want people to actively care about me. i hate that i want attention.

this is all old news though. meds take the edge off at least and keep me from rotting in bed but it won’t make me people like me or make me less lonely lmao 

maybe i’ll bring these up to my therapist next week, but she’s going to tell me to learn to drive or get a job and those are things i want to do but thats a whole other can of worms on top of what im dealing with my mom about lmao lmao lmao im so tired

#xoxotext #//negative

[cylleona]

> sees another person having a good time

me: wowie....... must be nice :)

#xoxotext #im so bitter #josuqueue

[cylleona]

hey what’s it like to have friends to invite you to places and to be independent and hav e money to spend what’s it like to actuallywant to do things what’s it like to be hap

#xoxotext #im havin a Bad night again gomen

[cylleona]

tell me how to be truly apathetic and not care about anything. if there was a way to not have feelings i would take it bc i really hate being alive sometimes

#xoxotext

[cylleona]

everything is making me sick today and i wish i wasnt conscious

#xoxotext

[cylleona]

i fuckin hate feeling mushy and clingy at night.

it is clearly time for me to go back to sleep bc i can’t even stand myself right now o(---<

#xoxotext