#why do I have so many feelings about a bugbear and an owlbear and their complex emotional bonds and traumas

[sarcasticsra]

I’ve had so many thoughts about Rue but let’s talk about our heartbreaking little bugbear

Hob’s actions and motivations all make 100% sense and nothing he’s doing is wrong, but it is tragic as hell. He’s surviving in a court where he doesn’t fit in as best as he can, and he’s done that by pushing down his own desires and needs. He can’t conceptualize self worth outside of his service to his court because his “self” is not considered ideal for his court - that was made pretty clear when he identified with what Rue was saying about not belonging, “to have the only root you have not feed you”

He doesn’t prioritize his service to the goblin court because he’s happy there, he’s internalized that service to the goblin court is all he’s good for, that he’s broken or wrong for being the way he is, so he has to make up for it by being of use

There’s a line in the song “Surface Pressure” from Encanto that is Hob in a nutshell:

“I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I can’t be of service.”

I don’t fault Hob for any of his actions - I mostly just want to give him a hug. It’s all coming from a place of trauma, because of course the goblin court was happy to take advantage of a competent soldier willing to prostrate himself at their feet if only he might be considered good and useful

He just isn’t acting out of a healthy sense of camaraderie and being part of something - he’s acting out of the deep, terrible fear that since he’s no good at being like the other goblins, if he’s not dedicating his life to serving them, what’s even the point of him?

And I do and will absolutely hate and fault the goblin court for doing this to him, for fomenting those feelings, all because they wanted a little more fucking status

#like it’s pretty clear he is an Outsider #that has been made apparent from the beginning #he is a goblin and has some goblin traits but he is still different enough to feel deep isolation #’as far away from the goblin rumpus as he could get’ #hob would benefit from dismantling the courts just as much if not more than rue #but because he has no sense of self outside service it’s impossible for him to see #hob’s relationship with service and his court is deeply fucked #he wants to be proper and gentlemanly and sure still sometimes eat some trash #he’s gotta heal enough to realize he can do all those things #and he sure as fuck doesn’t need the goblin court’s permission #acofaf spoilers #acofaf #a court of fey and flowers #captain k.p. hob #battlemaster of ceremonies #why do i have so many feelings about a bugbear and an owlbear and their complex emotional bonds and traumas #i’m just going to wallow in these feelings for a while #ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[moonlightmancer]

I’m like, trying not to freak out super hard so I’m gonna rant about Ozian and vague about his backstory buckle UP kiddos

Ozian is, at his core, a really selfless and caring person. He’s always been that way, even when he was a little kid (prior to the Piano Incident, he was always thinking about ways to make Unwin happy), and even after years of abuse and terror he still did things that, in the Bahltair house, were dangerous, just to make the people he lived with happier. He was nervous, yes, but he was compassionate and only had the most base of fears as far as self-preservation went (and to be fair, there were a lot of punishments that would’ve extended to other members of the staff as well that he was afraid of. It wasn’t just a “uh oh I might get in trouble!” Kind of deal. Everyone could’ve gotten in trouble).

Contrast with current Ozian. He’s still got those instincts, but he’s spent years applying them differently, and his ideals make him think certain actions are more compassionate or selfless than they are from a chaotic, neutral, or good point of view rather than his lawful and evil one. He still shines in moments—throwing himself between Brort and the owlbear, holding Betty’s hand in the Pale Halls and asking her favorite food, the bunk bed talk with Atreus. But he is fundamentally changed now, and it would be so difficult to get him somewhere else. Something very important about him is that he follows Rolterra’s doctrine to the letter. He interprets it in his own way, yes, and that interpretation is definitely different (and certainly more inclusive) than other Rolterrans, but...he is determined to stick to those values.

A great example of that is how he thinks of the “all people should/will unite under Her banner before the world ends” doctrine. He extends “people” to way more than just typical humanoids. Lots of folk think werewolves and stuff aren’t people. He disagrees. Bugbears, fae, fiends, elementals even. He wants to create a Rolterran community that welcomes anyone who follows Her, not just humans and half elves and dwarves and gnomes, etc. He thinks that’s narrow minded. He thinks he used to be narrow minded! Hell, he didn’t even believe in Rolterra until after he died in her rebellion. AFTER. He had to actually deadass talk to her before he thought anything of her beyond “she makes me nervous”.

Basically he met god, got revived, and immediately thought “I owe this woman everything”. He thought his life should be in service, trying to pay back every single day what she thought his life was worth. His life was worth fancy clothes and a masterwork weapon and new powers he couldn’t understand for the longest time. Him, a slave and a bastard, a nine year old chef de partie, a casualty of a failed rebellion. He was worth the effort to Rolterra. Shouldn’t all of his effort, for the rest of his life, be hers? Be the world’s to take, and use, and even spit back out at him? Didn’t he know how to take it, really, after years of pain and suffering at the hands of Unwin? It was like pre-training. Teaching him how to use magic and fight properly was easy. He got back up every time he got hit because what did it matter? His body is covered in scars from so many different things. He knows every kind of agony. Of course he’ll bleed for Rolterra. He’ll bleed for anyone he deems worthy, and honestly, that’s the whole party at this point. He missed having friends.

He’ll bleed for no real reason, actually! That’s an interesting point—he dresses like he does so he knows who’s hostile towards the Bahltairs and who isn’t. The ones who aren’t are the real enemies. People like Daniela and Jakon. They’re the people who know what’s happening in places like Frost Hallows and the elven empire and other secluded areas and they turn a blind eye. They smile and nod and mutter about how terrible Unwin is to have at parties, he always causes a scene, but they laugh. They don’t get angry. They don’t try to help. That’s why he doesn’t get mad when someone throws a rock at him or a thief tells him off for carrying the house sigil in the form of a ring. He feels like it is deserved, after all, he could’ve been a trueborn son in another world. Grown up just like Unwin. Maybe worse, even, a real vile creature capable of unspeakable atrocities. Imagine for me, perhaps, how Ozian may have turned out if his drive and his passion were directed elsewhere. Conquering Arcenciel. Turning the whole country into a facist dictatorship, making slavery legal, taking anything he wanted whenever he wanted it and being proud to say it. If he had nightmares, that’s what they would be. Being a worse monster than Unwin would haunt his every night. It haunts him enough as it is during the day. He’s really, really happy he didn’t inherit the draconic bloodline.

He thinks like Unwin sometimes, and his physical disgust response is so powerful sometimes I literally roll to see if he looks like he’s going to be sick. His first response upon finding out that Unwin remarried and his wife was pregnant was “I could take her, and the kid, and say to him what he said to me before he killed my real family. I could rip them to pieces while he watched, helpless, and it would be the greatest sight I’ve ever seen. I could harm and heal them for hours. I could make him beg me to stop.” And then he realized how deeply fucked up that was, and almost had to get up from the table and ask Jakon to excuse him while he had a panic attack. He knows how horrible it is. But it keeps creeping back into his mind. Honestly? He hasn’t decided if he’s going to do it anyway or not. He doesn’t know, if given the chance, if he would do it.

Unwin would do it. Unwin might even do worse. But Ozian tries so hard every day to do things differently, peacefully, without bloodshed or lies. The fact he has some of Unwin’s hateful, vengeful nature is something he can’t stand.

But what is the point of this rant? It’s that he has an incredible capacity for selflessness, and within it, there is a level of self destruction. He has a few spells that are really, really not healthy for ANYONE when they are cast (hint: he hasn’t used bloodbath yet but soon. Soon.) but he won’t hesitate to use them if he sees a strategic advantage in it. Ozian would walk forward along a spear if it meant he’d be able to strangle the enemy holding it. He’d shield one of his friends from a rain of arrows if it meant they didn’t have to know what he knows about life and death. He’s not haunted by death, like Abidyl is, but rather, he’s the ghost. He wants to cling to people’s lives and keep them going. He wants Rolterra to tell him he’s done well, because it means his blood is still worth something.

He cooks and watches over everyone and listens when they talk and yes, he’s evil, he has done and will continue to do terrible things that he thinks are perfectly reasonable or morally right (cough all of Redmill cough), but he feels everything in such intensity it’s almost impossible for him to get it out.

Abidyl’s relationship with her goddess and dying is an analysis for another time, but, yeah, that’s Oz. He thinks he’s a punching bag. He doesn’t care. He really doesn’t care anymore.

#ozian #man this was a really good distraction from the dread of living for abt 20 minutes

[sarcasticsra]

Now: imagine you’re Hob, and you meet a fey so stunningly poised, a true gem, in your eyes, of their court. You think their magnificence is only further enhanced by the fact that they, too, understand what it is like to serve others, to work so that others may enjoy the majesty of the Bloom. You share an unexpectedly tender moment, alone in the forest, and then it ends abruptly, and you are unsure as to what you have done.

This uncertainty is only further exacerbated when you are challenged to a duel by their assistant, and even once it is over, she refuses to tell you what offense you have committed. It seems logical to conclude that your foolhardiness in expressing any tender sentiments to someone so majestic was an insult that could not stand. As you are reminded by your superiors, you are a blunt instrument. That is your purpose.

Then you see them transform at the tea party, the lovely elven form fading away to reveal them as they truly are: a resplendent, breathtaking owlbear, eyes kind, nervous. You stumble over your own feet, marveling at the splendor of them. Their magnificence truly knows no bounds.

You realize, then, what an arrogant fool you were, to think anything you did or said impacted their thoughts in any way. They simply had their own inner worries to focus on. As if a humble goblin such as yourself could even begin to factor into any of their considerations at all.

And in the hedge maze, as you turn away from the scent of peonies, you know you are something else, even worse than a fool: a coward.

At the tailor’s shop, you remind yourself that you are an idiot, insignificant to their mind, but you remain enamored by them, the glory of their beauty such that it could inspire a sunrise to jealousy. They don’t say much when the conversation turns to deriding the Court of Wonder, and you are moved, wishing only to comfort them, as they describe their complicated feelings toward their court. You understand them. You know that isolation.

When they tell you that you were used, that it seems as though no one else in the Goblin Court has given any concern to your needs, you feel the coldness of the medal in your hand so keenly, stunned even as you know they are correct, unable to offer any reproach to their words. This wondrous fey before you is like none other you have met, and you are unworthy in their presence. You hurriedly give them your medal, rushing to the door, hearing but not heeding their insistence that you protect yourself.

At the masquerade ball, when the fireworks explode above, your only thought is of them. You act so rashly, ungentlemanly, placing your hands on them without permission, but their response is kind, gracious. You can scarcely believe it when they show you their empty dance card, and you feel the breath leave your lungs when they ask you for yours. You meet their eyes, feeling the magic in the air, and you eat your card, so that their name and their name alone will ever be the one it bears, as close to you as you can keep it.

You dance, and you dance, and you dance again, and even when you muck it up with your typical oafishness, they seem to enjoy it, to enjoy you. You are spellbound in their arms, and when they ask you what the P stands for in your name, you can only whisper it, a secret just for them. They smile, lifting a peony from their ensemble, and place it behind your ear, as if in exchange. For the first time in your life, you feel cherished. You feel pretty.

Their kindness this evening is a gift you will be grateful for forever. They have given you a glimpse of possibility, of what it might be like to be... loved, and it is as beautiful a dream as they are.

Reality, of course, returns the following morning, with your new promotion and your new assignment, and after your conversation with BINX, you think it is no wonder you are so easily cornered by Prince Apollo, as true a scoundrel as you’ve always suspected. You flee, taking substantial wounds for your trouble, but you do find the others, them included. They ask you if you’re hurt, and you try to assure them, but your answer seems to upset them, and you realize you must have looked a fright. Wounds are nothing to you if you may be of service, but of course someone so kind would be concerned. They ask you again about your own wants and happiness, and you do not know how to answer. There is no alternative to obligation, is there?

They simply wish you happiness before they leave, something in their demeanor... dampened, and Lady Featherfowl quite understandably assumes you’ve been stabbed once again, this time right through the heart.

At the theater, when the message from the Court of Sea Foam comes through the blossom, you are frazzled, moving to find more information, and the confirmation of your terrible suspicion feels like ice in your veins.

You are a fool. You’ve known it all along. Of course a fey so wondrous and glorious would not lower themself to entertain a lowly goblin like you. Of course they would not truly care about your wants, your needs. What you took as kindness out of obligation to the Bloom was nothing more than calculated cunning, expertly wielded to keep you off guard, to dissuade you from your mission. You’ve been tricked, made a mockery of, and so easily, too. It mustn’t have taken them much effort at all, to make you feel as you did--as you do.

You confront them, knowing you will be unable to fully conceal the effect they’ve had on you. Even now, in the moonlight, in their red-rose dress, they are stunning. They speak of love as the basis for their actions, as though the damage they have dealt to your court is irrelevant, as though your duty, your service, is irrelevant. You know now their actions toward you were a charade, but still it stings. You thought you understood them. You thought they understood you. 

And then they tell you they love you, and you are caught, frozen, mouth agape, as they explain how much they love you and how much they care, that they’ve professed their feelings and did not receive a response. They explain why they turned away from you in the forest, that you inspired their glorious unveiling, and in that moment, your mind reels, and you feel as though you’ve forgotten how to breathe.

#acofaf #acofaf spoilers #battlemaster of ceremonies #okay so the rue POV made me want to write hob's lol #this one is a bit longer but he's kinda wordy so I guess that fits #I JUST LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH #this poor broken goblin who just needs at least an ounce of self esteem and a hug #he thinks it was all a trick and it's so sad :( #he thinks no one could possibly care for him #least of all someone as amazing as rue #hob you are loved and I will fight the entire goblin court on your behalf I swear #hob's relationship with service and his court is deeply fucked #why do I have so many feelings about a bugbear and an owlbear and their complex emotional bonds and traumas #why is it not next Wednesday yet #a court of fey and flowers #dimension 20

[sarcasticsra]

The more I think on it I have exactly 0 qualms with Rue’s actions

Like they didn’t know Hob’s mission until ep 6 at the end, and there was that moment of surprise that it was his victories that led to the almost engagement - that was an interesting moment, especially as they tell him he was used. Rue knows plenty about being used

Also the conversation got cut away from right as Hob asked if Rue or Binx knew who had done it, likely for dramatic effect

Rue’s letter after the masquerade ball talks about wanting to KNOW Hob - what would’ve happened if that letter had actually been delivered? Would they have had a version of this conversation then?

And seriously like why THIS engagement? Why was this the one they had to break up? What was different about it? There had to be something, right??? I suppose it could just be a “straw that breaks the camel’s back” sort of thing, and it seemed like they were maybe thinking of revealing themselves at this Bloom anyway and meeting Hob tipped the scales, but I gotta know what sparked it

But no matter what it was - this is a being who was ripped from their home and made to be what this court wanted them to be, and they contorted themself into that box for millennia, working painstakingly to ensure everyone else around them might know love, or happiness, all the while being kept at arm’s length in their own court because of their origins

And something, whatever it was, finally made them go, “enough!”

That’s fucking revolutionary

And it happened before the engagement was even officially announced. Still scandalous, sure, but at least gives the goblin court plausible deniability

The whole season has had significant themes of This System Sucks so I’m just not overly Concerned about the reputation of the courts

Particularly not of a court that has been happy to use and abuse a member to the point where he gets so close to almost DYING because he won’t remove the DAMN ARROWS FROM HIS BACK out of his misguided sense of honor and service (that they knowingly take advantage of)

Hob, who has also been an outsider, who has dealt with that by fully sublimating his own sense of self, a full on trauma response

Who danced with someone 6 or 8 times and could only think “how nice of them to take pity on me”

But god forbid someone inadvertently make his terrible court look bad lol

And that’s the point, isn’t it - they’re all terrible

Love and happiness are not important, only perception, and power, and influence

The only one not obsessed with power and status is Binx’s court, and they got consumed, an easy target that wasn’t even trying to fight back, was just trying to do their own thing

Years and years and years of do this, say that, smile here, play nice, don’t upset the system, most too entrenched in their own survival mechanisms to do anything but go along

Which is fair enough, but let’s not hold the person trying to change things responsible for the failures of the system they’re trying to change

If people don’t feel like they have a choice, that’s the courts’ fault

And dismantling the courts is the only way out

Rue might be one of the only ones capable of that

After all, the Chorus knows the power they hold. That’s why they wanted them to join

Burn it all down, Rue

They have it coming

#acofaf spoilers #acofaf #a court of fey and flowers #battlemaster of ceremonies #delloso de la rue #captain k.p. hob #hob was right about rue #their entire journey has been about courage and self-actualization #which he admires because he is so deeply traumatized he can’t conceive of having for himself #there is no other fairy more responsible for joy and wonder #and now they’re finally trying to take some for themself #good!!!! #these damn fey fools have me back on tumblr looking for fandom nonsense like it’s 2014 #i’m just going to wallow in these feelings for a while #why do I have so many feelings about a bugbear and an owlbear and their complex emotional bonds and traumas #ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[sarcasticsra]

Does Wuvvy think Hob is just playing mind games with Rue???

Okay so I rewatched the lead up to the duel and she must’ve overheard the letter to Wrackingspelt, which sounded suspicious on its own, as she wouldn’t know it was to his horse

(Also side note, Brennan cuts off at “and I wish that you might one day read—” which. It’s to a horse. That might’ve been the end of the damn sentence played as part of the middle of one since obviously horses can’t fucking read lmao. Masterful misdirection there, great opportunity for misinterpretation, especially since he knew Hob would hear Wuvvy approach at some point.)

But then she rolls a really bad insight check! A 7! So what if she just totally misread Hob??? He was being honest that he didn’t know what she was talking about, but with that poor insight, maybe she took that + the letter as him playing games? She even accuses him of playing dumb too

Then when she and Rue talk after, she talks about how Rue didn’t trust themself to send the letter or trust her not to send it on their behalf when they asked, and anyone who could make them doubt themself like that must be bad news, which also implies she might think they’re being messed with? And some of that for sure feels like transferring the blame off her BFF for their crappy action to someone else, but it would emotionally make sense. We tend not to want to be mad at the people we actually care about when they hurt us, so shifting it to another convenient target is really easy to do, especially if we also suspect they’re not being on the up and up. She also tells them to embrace it tho, so I’m not sure. But then again maybe she thinks the feelings are less serious than they end up being??? Like it’s more just a fling?

But then your BFF writes a super vulnerable love note to a person you think might just be fucking with them? Would make a certain amount of sense not to deliver that letter

I’m really curious how this is gonna play out tomorrow. Especially with that favor still in play

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!

#acofaf spoilers #acofaf #a court of fey and flowers #battlemaster of ceremonies #wuvvy #dimension 20 #my brain has been fully consumed #seriously there’s no more brain matter in there it’s just flowers and trinkets #shout out to my amazing husband for reminding my hyperfixated ADHD ass that food still exists these past few weeks #would’ve for sure starved by now otherwise #why do i have so many feelings about a bugbear and an owlbear and their complex emotional bonds and traumas #i’m just going to wallow in these feelings for a while #ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[sarcasticsra]

I also agree with your episode 9 acofaf take in many regards, and I loved reading your analysis! but I personally disagree that the goblin court had nothing to lose from the loss of the political marriage. We've seen that they've been looked down upon by the other courts, and while they aren't in the same position as the Court of Craft, with the magic hoarding of the Court of Wonder, that may very well be the position they are headed in. I'm more inclined to see this from Hob's perspective because not everyone has, like Rue, the privilege of seeing marriage as something solely predicated on love. Nothing in the season has shown us that Rue knew either Grabalba or Apollo particularly well, so they are in no place to make decisions on behalf of others. (Neither is Hob, of course.) Also, seeing Rue as being held captive in the Court of Wonder is something that feels very false, as they are in a pretty privileged position, and have a distance towards their court that not many people can afford, and the ability to see the actions of the Court of Wonder as something separate from themself, not fully taking responsibility for the ways that they have profited off of the system. We are told again and again that Rue puts others in front of themself, but I frankly don't see it. I love Rue, I love all the characters in this season, but so far I have seen Rue primarily focused on themself in the series.

If that is the position they're headed in, I'd need to see some evidence of it to count it as any kind of consequence. I just don't feel like that's been shown through what we've seen of them thus far, though. And if that ends up being the case, then sure, that's super interesting, and will change my perspective some, although admittedly probably not entirely, because from what we've seen the Goblin Court may be more wild but still very much relies on hierarchy, which they have used to take advantage of Hob, so I'm altogether not terribly sympathetic to them as a group. This contrasts with BINX's court to me, because the Court of Craft doesn't seem like it was that way at all. (Indeed, that court would probably be the only one I would actually support in gaining any kind of "station", because it seemed to function as more a family than an actual hierarchal court structure. So even if it's still called a court, it would be a significant departure from the status quo, which would be fascinating.) As of right now, though, the only actual consequence I've seen for the Goblin Court after the dissolution of this match is that they're continuing to be taken less seriously than the other courts, and I'm just not moved by that. So it's not so much that I think they had nothing to lose, it's that what they did have to lose (that is, status, so far as we've been shown) is not anything consequential enough for me to see it as a true negative, because I don't care if a court doesn't have as much power as they might've otherwise. They're almost all terrible, so what does it really matter which ones have power and which don't?

As for Rue not knowing Apollo and Grabalba, that's true enough--but that's where I would point out, first, Apollo is literally royalty. I feel like if he had still really wanted the match to go through, it would've gone through. (Maybe I'm mistaken on that, entirely possible as I don't know exactly how the hierarchy works, but seems to me like he would have considerable sway. Would love to find out more about that, tbh.) Second, and most importantly, he sucks, lol. Third, Grabalba actually did find a match in someone she likes. That Rue didn't know them could've been a great point for there to be unintended consequences, like maybe they were secretly in love or there was some other deeper reason for the match between them that Rue wasn't privy to, etc. That, to me, would've gone a lot further to painting it as the wrong choice than "one party of this match is a villain and the other party found a true love match after all" which seems to say, textually, at least to me, the exact opposite.

You're just not gonna convince me that someone who was kidnapped into a system is in a truly privileged position in that system, sorry. They tell BINX that growing up they were terrified. Someone pointed out, the scene with the Chorus, where Rue yells at them, and they respond that they don't fault them for their outburst, it's in their nature? Straight up microagression. That's reminding them that they are the outsider, that they are different. It really feels to me like Rue's position in the Court of Wonder is kind of like "prized show pet." It may look like a glamorous role, some of their requests might be humored, but at the end of the day it's still very much a super skewed dynamic, and whatever power they do have seems entirely dependent on how well they perform to expectations.

Now, I do agree they have been focused on themself to some extent, but I see that in the context of them having been planning Blooms for millennia, and this is the first time where they've actually participated. That's the thing. All the others, they were merely facilitating, still keeping themself separate. We romanticize self-sacrifice and selflessness but genuinely when that's what you've always done, to the point where you're hiding your true identity away, some amount of selfishness is truly radically necessary.

I'd add that we do still see a lot of them genuinely caring for and supporting others, though--wanting the Lords of the Wing to find love and being so genuinely moved and happy for Chirp when she tells them she is in love, supporting BINX when they reveal and in the lead up to the meeting in the tailor's shop, pointing out to Hob that he was used and he should give himself some consideration, meeting with the Court of Sea Foam to address the rumors about the Court of Wonder taking too much credit and being grateful to have an actual real conversation with them about it, their idea that the Bloom is specifically to foster love and connection, wanting to pass along the Master of Ceremonies title to someone outside the Court of Wonder, etc. All of that seems like still truly wanting to help others to me.

Thanks for the message! Whether or not any of this is convincing to you, this show has very clearly taken over my entire brain, so I'm having a lot of fun with the meta and am obviously very happy to continue to spew all sorts of nonsense out into the tumblr void, lol.

#acofaf #acofaf spoilers #delloso de la rue #battlemaster of ceremonies #a court of fey and flowers #dimension 20 #why do I have so many feelings about a bugbear and an owlbear and their complex emotional bonds and traumas