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sarahburness · 6 years

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How to Feel Worthy When You’re Broke and In Debt

“No one can set your level of worthiness except you.” ~Bryant McGill

There’s only one thing worse than being broke.

Being broke and in debt.

Can you relate? Me too.

In fact, I’ll admit to being in this unfortunate predicament on more than one occasion in this colorful life of mine.

And if I’m honest, it didn’t feel great. At all.

How could it?

In a society where we are measured predominantly by our financial or commercial worth, being skint doesn’t bode well.

I recall a particular time over a decade ago when I was comfortably employed in the pharmaceutical industry. Life was easy, money flowed. It was a comfortable comfort zone.

Until the unexpected happened.

I was unceremoniously retrenched as a result of a company merger. I was crushed. I felt rejected. Not good enough. Yet, in spite of this, I sucked it up and immediately set about finding re-employment. Initially, I was cautiously optimistic. But pickings were few.

Sadly, my already fragile self-esteem was knocked even lower when, six months later, I found myself still unemployed.

My retrenchment package was used up. My savings had dwindled to the point of near depletion, and I found myself in the horrific position of having to ask friends and family for loans. Loans that I had no idea when I would be able to repay. Or how I would repay them. Which led to further feelings of worthlessness. Hopelessness. Self-disgust.

How had this happened?

It was a dark time.

There’s a catch-22 angle too. It’s hard to make good impressions at job interviews when you feel about as worthy as a floor tile.

That bleak (nay, very bleak) period did end though. These trying times always do. And I was (eventually) employed in a position far junior to what I had previously held. I was grateful. Extremely!

With hindsight, it was no big surprise. After all, how can you expect anyone else to see your value when you don’t believe you have any? But that’s a topic for another day…

Many years have passed and, whereas I used to avoid thinking about that period of my life (for obvious inner-cringeworthy reasons), I now look back with interest and curiosity. Here’s why.

As I have ventured bravely into the world of self-employment in recent years, there have been times when cash flow has been tight. Even non-existent. It’s simply part of the entrepreneurial learning-curve. Apparently.

In the early years of my business, clients were sometimes scarce. Which meant that, at times, I’ve had to pull on my big-girl pants, face my fears, and ask for support.

I won’t lie. Initially it was hard. Super-uncomfortable even.

But I’ve noticed something.

Something quite extraordinary. And quite amazing.

This time, asking for support felt different.

Because this time I’m an expanded version of who I was back then. I’m simply not the same. I see life differently. Very differently.

Gone are the feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and self-disgust.

Instead of measuring my worthiness by my bank balance, I now hold the two separate. Completely.

Who I intrinsically am, and my sense of value, is not up for debate. It never was.

In the old days, my good old ego kept me firmly entrenched in the belief that the stuff I owned and the job I had meant something about me.

But it doesn’t. Ever.

Because I was born innately worthy. Everyone is. There are no exceptions.

Nobody is ever born worthier than anyone else. It’s only social programming that creates that belief. We’re taught to see ourselves differently to others, whether it be better or worse.

If you need evidence of this, simply spend a moment watching a group of toddlers playing together. It’s inspiring.

They live completely in the moment. Curious, focused, and engaged. Squabbles are often dramatic and loud, but these are quickly left behind when they notice something new and interesting. No grudges are held. Resentment doesn’t exist. And each day presents a clean slate.

Each child is self-aware and confident (according to their personality). No one feels more or less significant than the other.

Ego, self-importance (or lack of it), fear, and unworthiness only appear when social programming kicks in, either through our families or the schooling system.

That’s when we learn to change who we are in order to win favor with those around us. We learn that simply being ourselves isn’t good enough.

And so begins the slow demise of our personal sense of value.

Which doesn’t feel good. At all.

So what do we do? We set about trying to please those around us to win their praise. Because that feels good—if only for a minute.

We start believing that what and who we gather around us gives us significance and value.

We work in jobs we hate simply to earn an income. To sustain our lifestyle. Which we believe means something about who we really are.

And before we know it, our entire sense of self is tenuously attached to what we own, or what we do.

Which is why, when we lose either, we feel worthless. Or insignificant. Like we’ve somehow failed.

Simple, right?

Which brings me back to my extraordinary and amazing insight (see above).

Being broke and in debt from a place of unworthiness feels completely different to being broke and in debt when we’re standing in our own intrinsic power.

Facing financial challenges when we’re standing with our feet planted firmly in our place of worthiness, is a bit like being hungry. Food (or cash) is simply something that we would like to have. It would make this physical experience (aka life) more comfortable.

But we wouldn’t judge ourselves as worthless for being hungry, would we?

So why the negative self-talk over money (or lack of it)?

With this new perspective, we feel good in the face of our challenges.

Which means that we stay connected to our creativity. We notice new opportunities and possible solutions.

Being cash-strapped while feeling confident means that this particular circumstance becomes just another of life’s adventures. We approach it with curiosity and interest. It becomes a detour into unknown territory worthy of exploration.

Which means that the challenge to create more income becomes almost fun. (Note: I said almost fun…)

And that ultimately means that our cash-flow crunch is sure to be short-lived.

Mine certainly was.

And I graduated from the experience a more expanded, confident, and self-aware version of who I was initially.

Exceptionally grateful for the opportunity.

About Jacky Exton

As a Transformational Coach, Jacky’s in the business of CHANGING LIVES. She teaches her clients that if we can see ourselves differently, we show up differently. And from there anything is possible! Learn how to Transform Negative Self-talk at her online school or connect with her here to read more about her coaching programs.

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The post How to Feel Worthy When You’re Broke and In Debt appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-feel-worthy-when-youre-broke-and-in-debt/

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stars-forever-dwell-blog1 · 7 years

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Relationships

Like many other people, I want to find a meaningful, healthy, loving, supportive, fun, awesome relationship. A partnership.

Unfortunately, dating someone with depression is apparently difficult, stressful, frustrating, and a lot of people encourage others to “not even bother.” Um, ouch.

Relationships are hard and complicated, even with people who don’t suffer from depression. People are complex, contradictory, and full of “stuff.” I am complicated, and I am high maintenance. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts that go beyond just a fleeting moment. During almost every winter of my adult life, I have been unable to work and sometimes unable to get out of bed. (As an interesting side note, the only winter that this didn’t happen was the one during which I was snowboarding my ass off.)

So does all of this mean I am unworthy of love, not worth the effort? Too much? Not enough? Crazy? Our culture certainly creates the underlying belief that people who are less than “normal” should be avoided like the plague. I don’t think so. Maybe I just need more understanding, more patience, more compassion. Maybe I need a guy who is willing to listen and understand.

And like everyone else, I am “doing the work.’ Digging up my demons, working through my issues, finding the roots of all of this pain.

I was doing some research this evening, and I came across something that someone named Joost Steffensen Osted. He has been married to a woman with depression for five years, and I found his account of it to be honest, compassionate, and very down to earth. I thought I’d share.

I dated a woman with depression once. She is now my wife.

There is nothing to prepare you for what it means to date a woman with depression. The experience at its worst can leave you fearing for your sanity. There is only one way to deal with it: remembering that depression is an illness.

Yes depression is an illness. An illness that is erratic and often fatal. It can last years or it can last a lifetime. It can be fairly stable or be accompanied by violent mood swings.

Essentially unless you are prepared to spend time with a person with a severe illness there is no point in dating a person with depression. The illness is not going to go away. You either learn to accommodate for it or you had better get out.

However, to be fair there is often no way to know whether a person is depressed when you meet them. Depressives like everyone else like to go out and have fun. They like to meet people. They like to be normal. Sometimes they cling so hard to the illusion of being normal and healthy that they will simply not tell you that they are depressed.

It certainly took my wife a long time to come out with it. Our first year was tumultuous and too personal to describe in detail. My wife exhibited a lot of behavior that I could not place. At times I felt manipulated at others let down. But I loved her and eventually I figured it out.

We have been together for five years now and she is still depressed, but doing much better. We have set up a system that allows her to control her illness most of the time in such a way that it effects her and our life to only a minor extent. Extremes still happen, but with ever decreasing regularity as we hone our skills. Here are my main tips for how to act when you’re dating or are the partner of someone with depression.

1. Like I said before. Always remind yourself that depression is an illness. The more you start to realize that what I say is true the easier it will be to deal with it. Once you know in your heart depression is an illness you will stop feeling anger and resentment towards your partner. You will stop feeling manipulated. Only once you accept that depression is an Illness do you have the right mindset to really help.

2. Learn about depression. There are many different types of depression. Familiarize yourself with them and learn your partner’s diagnosis, learn about his/her medication, learn about his/her coping mechanisms.

3. Once you are familiar with your partner’s depression start observing him/her. If you studied the Illness well enough it should soon become obvious whether the diagnosis was correct. You’re in the ideal position to observe your partner’s behavior and get to know the signs of the illness intimately.

4. Talk to your partner. Depression has both a chemical and an environmental component. If things in your partner’s life or past made him/her depressed you need to know about them and help him/her find the right help (counseling) to get him/her through them.

5. Get to know your partner’s medication. There is a lot of information out there (on the web), a lot of it experience based. Learn about the medication while being critical of the sources. It is critical that your partner take the medication in the way prescribed. Not taking anti-depressives the right way or forgetting to take them can lead to extreme physical and mental reactions. Withdrawal is no picnic. Keeping tabs on your partner’s drug taking might seem like overreaching, but is often critical.

6. Learn the early warning signs. My wife has a whole slew of little signs that tell me she is getting nervous or that she is retreating into her dark place. Recognizing these as soon as they start, acknowledging them and combating them can make the low more shallow or prevent it from happening altogether.

7. Know your partner’s triggers. A lot of things that seem trivial to me will set her off. Knowing what they are allows me to know why my wife is reacting the way she does. For example my wife is extremely averse to conflict. If at any time I become too argumentative and I see my wife retreating I simply back of. This is not her manipulating me, but a symptom of the Illness. If I wait for the right time and change my tone of voice I can discuss my grievances with her later.

8. Know what makes your partner happy. It is not always possible to pull your partner out of a depression. After all it is a serious issue. However in some circumstances doing things that make your partner happy can relieve the hurt. In my wife’s case food, music and animals or a combination of the three help her cope or even come out of a depression. Patience and creativity are important. Did I mention its an illness?

9. Adjust your lifestyle to the depression. Try to eliminate stressors. My wife had trouble with absenteeism, often not being able to get out of bed and go to work. In the end she became self-employed. She now controls her own hours and does work she loves. She now seldom cancels an appointment. I changed my job to be able to be on hand in case of an emergency. Our apartment is on the ground floor and all our knives are blunt (seriously).

10. Make people around you aware of what’s going on. By telling people about the depression we were able to create a support network. There are some people who distrust the concept of depression but they usually come around. Most people however are supportive from the get-go. Depression is more common than you might think.

11. Develop trust. Trust is often lacking in people with depression because of the past experiences that are often the root of their depression. Establishing trust can take a long time. Trust helps you rely on each other. It gives you comfort and security. When dating someone with depression it is very important never to compromise that trust. You have built a house of cards. Don’t make it come crashing down.

12. Love. Dating a depressive is hard. The only way you’re going to do it is if you love your partner.

My life since I met my wife has been a roller coaster ride. The experiences I’ve had have been incredible both in the positive sense and in the negative sense. When I met my wife I thought she was the most extraordinary person I’d ever met. And that is what she turned out to be. The things I learned since we first kissed surpass everything I knew before.

It was a struggle, but the struggle is worth it if you find the right woman.

I shudder to think what I would have lost had I not dated someone with depression.

I don’t like his implication that “depressives” are not “normal and healthy.” What does normal mean exactly? And I don’t think anyone is 100% healthy in their thought processes anyway.

I don’t have violent mood swings. I am about as steady as the next person for half the year. It’s only in the winter that I start to struggle.

Maybe it’s time to move back to the mountains.

#depression shitthatsucks

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