#who really hasn't ever used anything re: his experiences as an excuse as far as i can remember

[thedroloisms]

just an essay bc it's been on my mind but the way that victimhood becomes a weapon on social media is so fucking stupid and counterintuitive to actual advocacy. people wielding "im a victim" as a defense not only in situations actually involving their specific case but also in basically every damn situation in the world is so ???? even in cases involving dream, for example, i will see people using his history as a means of defending him (it's really fucked up that you would accuse a victim of ___, he's an abuse victim i'm sure he won't defend ___ and that he'll ___) and while i understand where that sentiment comes from, the base assumption it's making is...nakedly untrue. and assuming its truthfulness can hurt victims moreso than it helps them.

being a victim isn't moralizing. being a victim doesn't make you a good person. suffering isn't absolution, and going through fucked up shit doesn't make someone "good." people equate abuser = bad person and victim = good person, and then assume that victims are incapable of abusive behavior or "problematic" internalized ideas. an abuser can't be neurodivergent, or mentally ill, or part of a marginalized group, and most importantly an abuser can't be a victim. the boxes of victim and abuser are strictly defined with no overlap. once you've been through something truly, verifiably, Fucked Up (tm), congrats! you get a certificate of eternal victimhood that prevents you from ever being a Real Bad Person ever for the rest of your life.

only that's not how real life works! it's just not! generational trauma leads to cycles of abuse that perpetuate themselves over whole generations of people! the kids that think that it's perfectly fine and a-okay for a parent to physically punish their children don't tend to be the ones with parents that don't lay a finger on them! and you know, it sucks. it sucks that you get nothing out of being hurt, that there's no fucking prize, that there are no suffering vouchers for you to cash in because of the abuse you suffered that can give you good-person-points. it sucks to endure all that shit for nothing. but the opposite idea of suffering making you a good person is the exact reason why some people preach about the miles they walked to school in the driving rain to excuse taking out their shitty temper on their small children.

being abused generally doesn't make one "better." if anything, trauma tends to fuck you up in ways that hurt you...and others. going through shit tends to make people worse. working to get better is something that requires actual conscious effort, not something that you are given as a side effect of going through hell. over and over again, traumatized individuals who are made to feel powerless and given little freedom and ability to change their circumstances, when in a situation where they are given power to some degree over some person, may choose to abuse that power while they're in their own abusive situation or after. part of being a victim of abuse often means having a distorted view of the abuse you've been through! it can mean normalizing fucked up behavior! looking at shit and treating it lightly because you've been taught that it's "not that bad," if you've been taught that it's bad at all! victims aren't granted perfect ideologies from god because they walked through flames--cult survivors usually have to unlearn all sorts of messed up beliefs that were drilled into them--beliefs that many people on twitter would then damn them for, because obviously if you've thought something like that in the past then you're a bigoted hateful individual.

i can only speak from my own experience, but i can't fucking count the number of people i've heard of or met or known personally who have been through some kind of trauma in the past, who are undoubtably victims of abuse, who then go on to act in toxic, manipulative, and abusive ways to others. oftentimes, these people are aware of the fact that they were in abusive situations in the past and make quite a big deal about the fact that they care about victims, as a victim, and want to advocate for them. they're the same people who react extremely negatively to anyone alluding to the idea that they could be abusive--they're not like that, they've been abused, how could anyone accuse them of abusing another person, don't they know how much that hurts with their history. and so on and so forth.

and...i have a lot of sympathy for these individuals, generally speaking. because as mentioned above, being abused in the past doesn't necessarily make it harder for you to be a perpetrator in the future. sometimes--oftentimes, even--it's the opposite. and i feel for them, because going through trauma and being hurt makes you scramble for ways to not be hurt again, and oftentimes the easiest answer for that (and the ways of solving problems as modeled to them in the past!) is control, and controlling another party can very easily slip into manipulative, abusive behavior. especially if you still have internalized ideas mixed in with the fear that surviving abuse entails, internalized ideas that are often left unexamined by people who believe that their victimhood absolves them from any further responsibility. i feel for people who are deathly afraid of ever being seen as terrible people, oftentimes because of the shit that they went through, who seek explanations for their abusers' behavior that make it so much easier to simplify the matter into "they're something separate from me, something that i can never become." i sympathize with the anger and fear and frustration and grief that might never had had a healthy outlet while in a past situation that ends up poured out into places where it shouldn't be in the present, i sympathize with the desire to find reason in being hurt where it doesn't exist, to want there to be something to make the whole damn thing worth it instead of having nothing to take with you but your pain.

but at the end of the day, that's not how life works. that's not how abuse works. yeah, there are abusers who are cruel for cruelty's sake, who are aware of the harm they do and desire to cause more--and there are just as many who genuinely believe that they're doing the right thing, that they're doing good, that they care for the one that they're hurting unselfishly and wholeheartedly. there are many, many people who hurt others because they have been hurt before, and this isn't an excuse--of course not--but refusing to acknowledge the ways that pain can perpetuate itself and blinding oneself to the possibility of their own actions ever being abusive can literally be how this pain continues. it's good to be self aware, it's good to want to do the right thing, but assuming that victims are good people because of the suffering they went through not only means that so-called "bad victims" (or anyone that's not yet Acceptably untangled the thought patterns and actions that have been normalized to them, or anyone who lashes out in quote-unquote appropriate ways as judged by whatever social media council is handing out social justice tickets for the week) get overlooked and ignored, but abusive patterns of behavior are allowed to continue to exist, just in a repackaged form with different language. it's not fair to victims to nail them to this standard of so-called righteousness that is also inextricably connected to their experiences, allowed to be revoked if they're too "abuser" to be "victim" anymore, or to overlook the victims of their behavior because their inherent suffering-borne righteousness keeps them from crossing the line into bad behavior.

at the end of the day, no one deserves abuse, victims deserve to be advocated for, and people who have been through horrific shit didn't deserve to go through horrific shit. but you don't get handed get-out-of-jail-free cards for being treated badly, you know?

#abuse #like ugh it's complicated #but i need people to stop using victimhood as a catchall excuse #and this isn't criticism of like. dr eam btw #who really hasn't ever used anything re: his experiences as an excuse as far as i can remember #it's one thing to say that 'these situations affected my actions' which is half of what this essay is abt #because yeah. going through shit affects your actions ... and not always for the better. #now the other ccs whose opinions ive been unwillingly subjected to over the last few weeks ? lol. lmao. #like look this idea of victimhood earning anyone anything is inherently damaging and completely untrue #sympathy and understanding extended towards abuse victims shouldn't be dependent on the morality points that they falsely earn #as a result of going through fucked up shit

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Nancy

Rio: You know Rio: If you like, I could sleep with Mr. Tomlinson Rio: Take the heat and shine off you all in one, just ask Nancy: It's a kind offer Nancy: But it's not gonna fix any of the important stuff Nancy: And it's not like you deserve any of what would come from that unholy union Rio: Okay, you could give me names of the worst offenders and I'll sort them out Rio: not in similar fashion to teach, of course Rio: How are you really though, babe? Stupid question but gotta come Nancy: You can't take on half the school, Rio Nancy: If it was that easy I'd still be in London Nancy: Maybe it's a stupid question but I've only got an obvious answer so Rio: Sure I can Rio: Ain't my first rodeo Rio: Is there anything of actual use I can do to make everything not totally shit or? Nancy: Don't be nice to me Nancy: I can't handle it Nancy: And I just re-applied my make-up Rio: You ain't wronged me Rio: along with half the School, like but they LOVE taking shit personal when 10 minutes ago it was Quinn who? Rio: And we've all put our waterproof to the test before Nancy: If it was just her I wouldn't be thinking about leaving Nancy: Tristan literally has half the school on his side and it's not like I can blame him Rio: It's just insecurity Rio: 'cos you're not a total sadcase like the kids she usually works with, can't pick on them for loving on his Ma or swinging at her whatever Rio: he's just taking out his blatant issues about it 'cos he ain't had the chance before Nancy: Am I not? What would you call me? Nancy: Yeah, bit like how I was with his dad Nancy: At least he's got real issues, I've got...imaginary emotions? Or something Rio: Hmm Rio: I might throw hopeless romantic at you if I'm feeling really savage Rio: Nah, they ain't imaginary Rio: How much easier if they were Nancy: Hopeless is right Nancy: But I doubt either Sian or Quinn would call me romantic Nancy: Well, they weren't real. None of it was Rio: Not the fantasy in your head but the feelings were Rio: you can try and discredit them if it helps but in my experience, usually a pointless exercise Rio: but painful enough to feel somewhat fitting of a punishment, right? a start, at the very least Nancy: Ouch. Calling it a fantasy sounds....yeah let's not Nancy: I know you've got a point, that I should have let you make earlier Nancy: God, how did I let myself end up here Nancy: What the hell Rio: Sorry, as if the world wasn't ready to burst your bubble, like Rio: Shit happens Rio: You can't control it Rio: Arguably could've controlled it enough to not get to that point but I ain't got room or desire to judge too harshly Nancy: It's fine, I've heard worse from the world Nancy: I can though. I had been Nancy: Or so I thought Rio: 'Til you didn't Rio: exactly Rio: It's done now, the rumour mill will do it's thing, then you'll be free to deal with the actual mess in your head Nancy: It's his fault Nancy: The prick Nancy: I wouldn't have lost control if he didn't first Rio: Yeah Rio: She sounds devious Rio: Why her, like Nancy: He hates me and so does she Nancy: Match made, like Rio: He doesn't hate you, babe Rio: He's just an idiot Nancy: Okay, he hasn't forgiven me then Nancy: Point is, he's mad at me Rio: At least you've got reason to be mad at him now too, yeah? Rio: Fair fight Nancy: Like I need a reason, he didn't have one Rio: Yeah, not how he sees it though Rio: maybe you can get it all out there now Nancy: He sees things to suit him Nancy: Always has Nancy: Everything about her was right there for him to see before I left and after Rio: Yeah, it's fucked up Nancy: I shouldn't have to spell it out to him, he was right there Rio: I know Rio: I don't think it's like that Rio: like it's still shitty Rio: but it's not like, love Rio: he ain't like that, if nothing else, thank fuck, yeah Nancy: It doesn't make me feel any better Nancy: There's always girls around him, he didn't need to get with her Nancy: All their friends remember, they tagged me, so he can't have forgotten what she's like and everything she did Rio: He looked wasted Rio: in her photos Nancy: Lesbian or not, I know if he was that wasted he wouldn't have been able to get it up for her Nancy: It's not an excuse Rio: Let's not think about the logisitics Rio: it's not personal, physical reactions Nancy: You can say that, it doesn't matter to you Nancy: If he's so mad at me for moving to Dublin he shouldn't sleep with one of the main reasons why I had to Rio: Have you said this to him yet? Nancy: Fuck no Nancy: And I'm not going to Nancy: He knows what she did, he didn't stop it, whatever I didn't ask him to, but he still had a front row seat Nancy: She made sure everyone did Rio: Wouldn't it make you feel better, to rip him a new one? Nancy: Not really Nancy: I've tried enough times before Nancy: And she's the least of my worries now that half this school hates me and the other half loves me in a way I don't want, ever Rio: I can hear the threesome offers from here Rio: Ugh Nancy: Like, I get it, I'm a cliche, let me list the ways for you but then go away Rio: Keeps your inbox fun and fresh, I guess? Rio: Is it gonna be hate or love, know the feeling Nancy: I haven't even asked how you are! Nancy: Letting myself down in all the ways Rio: Oh God, same old, same old, no need to depress yourself further Nancy: Not to be like my brother and his (lack of) coping mechanisms yet again, but can we go out? Nancy: I'm over being staring at my walls or my phone crying or trying not to Rio: 'Course Rio: you're allowed to drown your sorrows at least 3 more times 'fore I'm calling you out on the parallels Rio: Anywhere with cheap drinks and GRL POWER bops? Nancy: Anywhere that my haters won't be Nancy: Because now I've called them haters which is the WORST thing Rio: 😂 Rio: May as well call 'em motivators whilst you're at it and be done with it Nancy: Sounded like a soundbite from my mum's mouth Nancy: That's the last straw. I wanna die Rio: Not before you've got a 'round in Nancy: If you come and help me not look how I feel then I'll owe you so many drinks Nancy: You'll be able to get as drunk as Buster, fuck everything up too Rio: I do owe you for the time I shamelessly stole your wardrobe so Nancy: You're literally trying to remind me and I still don't remember Nancy: So you're fine Rio: Still omw Rio: I've rocked many a makeover in my time, though it's been a while since any of 'em but Grace would let me 😂 Nancy: I have no energy to fight you Nancy: And can't look worse than I do right now Nancy: The bar is low low low Rio: Slap some cucumbers on those puffy eyes Nancy: Excuse me mum I need to take those from your water really quick, babe Nancy: 👌 Rio: When plain old water just ain't hydrating enough Nancy: @ my dehydrated but still crying self Rio: Dry it up, babe Rio: Gotta at least arrive at the club semi put together Nancy: Are they gonna let me in? Nancy: I can't do any more humiliation today Rio: Of course, you're nearly 18 anyway Rio: they let Indie in, you're fine Nancy: Tell it to Sian Nancy: And the powers that be so they don't sack her Rio: 😑 Nancy: If we're going out you need to work on your poker face Rio: I'm sorry but I'm not gonna cry for her, babe Nancy: You sound like the rumor mill Nancy: none of this is her fault Rio: Mm, she could've done more about it Nancy: She didn't know about it, what could she do? Rio: You reckon? Rio: She's a married woman and you probably weren't that subtle Nancy: You're talking to me not my brother Nancy: I can be subtle Nancy: I've had years of practice Rio: Not with love and shit Rio: No offence but you know it's true Nancy: Yes with love and shit Nancy: She didn't know until I wanted her to Rio: Okay Nancy: You don't believe me, do you? Rio: No but there's no need to push the issue Rio: you can't know either way now Rio: but they won't sack her Nancy: You should Nancy: You say I can't, but I do know, 'cause I've been over every moment in my head Nancy: I wish she did know, before, and she felt the same as I do but that's not gonna happen Rio: Yeah, and every time you go over it, the memory changes Rio: Sorry but you're not a trusted source on this Rio: especially 'cos you still wish that Nancy: I know Nancy: I can't just stop loving her Nancy: Everyone wants me to, even her, but I don't know how to Rio: Yeah Rio: Time, that's about all that'll do it Rio: or someone else Nancy: Did time work for you? 'Cause been there tried the second option already Rio: 'Course Rio: heals all wounds don't you know Nancy: I can't say I do know that yet Nancy: I'm still angry and hurt about Chloe and Buster so Rio: That's allowed Rio: got a decent amount of time left on both before people are eye-rolling Nancy: You think? It's been years since I left Nancy: I should be over it Rio: Nah Rio: she's still the same bitch Rio: why should you try and be above it Nancy: 'Cause I came here to change Nancy: So I shouldn't be the same bitch Nancy: It's pathetic, right? Rio: No, 'cos you weren't the bitch to begin with Rio: You don't need to change Nancy: if the alternative is this Nancy: i want to Nancy: I hate this Rio: Okay Rio: How do you wanna be? Rio: Let's make it happen Nancy: where to start, like Rio: You tell me, babe Nancy: My extensive wardrobe doesn't include a chastity belt so I'm gonna need more self control Nancy: Any ideas? Nancy: Not an app for building that as far as I know Rio: Hmm, idk Rio: could get yourself on tinder, the awfulness of people looking for a quick hookup will do wonders for your sex drive Nancy: Lord Nancy: That's a scarily good idea Nancy: Anywhere where straight guys exist in numbers Rio: The club will be the IRL embodiment so tonight is your lucky night Nancy: Luck isn't on my side lately but i've got nothing to lose Rio: That's the spirit Rio: Might as well put all your chips down now Nancy: Keep my phone for me later? Drunk dialing Quinn at the end isn't gonna work out the way it did at the start Rio: Not yet anyway Rio: Time, yeah? Rio: You take mine, swapsies Nancy: Likely not ever Nancy: You didn't see her Nancy: But sure, your phone camera gets me Rio: Never say never Rio: unless it's your married teacher Nancy: Don't give me undeserved hope Rio: I dunno Rio: It's not like you were married, you know Rio: or you properly cheated Nancy: Yeah but that's only because I didn't have the chance Nancy: I was still thinking about Sian most of the time Nancy: That's gotta hurt Rio: Bit insulting, yeah Rio: I wouldn't go back but maybe she liked you Rio: Either way, don't think there's anything you can do to make ammends rn so Nancy: She told me she liked me Nancy: And because I'm the worst human I didn't stop it Rio: Hardly Nancy: You're too nice to kick me when I'm down Rio: I ain't Rio: And I ain't above using someone for my own shit, not many are Nancy: I'm just as bad as him Nancy: Fucking twinning Rio: Different sins Rio: If you're gonna make like him, try not to give a shit about it, right? Take the perks with it Nancy: If only Nancy: At least he didn't like Chloe and use her anyway Nancy: That's just me and what I'm looking for in a girlfriend Rio: Oh, babe Rio: what a mess Nancy: Help me Nancy: Should I just go back to London or? Rio: Hmm, I don't know Rio: It'd maybe hurt less to not see either of them Rio: but you'd be more alone Rio: but, either way, it's a year and you're out of both Nancy: I don't know either Nancy: I wanna see them both so much and that's why I shouldn't be near either of them, right? Nancy: But June will murder me if I leave and I'll murder Buster if I have to share a house with him all the time again Nancy: Summer was Nancy: Oh God Rio: You're not a monster, you're allowed to feel that Rio: You aren't going to do anything else, the mistakes have been made, you're on learning time Rio: I can't really see London working, to be honest Rio: It'd be a step back, more than all...this Nancy: Yeah. I don't love it there. Closer to being at home here by far Nancy: I know I'm just scared to stay Nancy: But I need to girl up and stick it out, like Rio: Yeah Rio: We're all here Rio: that's a good % of the school pop so fuck it Nancy: 😂 real Nancy: be on your way faster 'cause whatever is closest or coldest in this fridge is being opened now Rio: 👍 Rio: Had to sort my own self but I'm in my car Rio: not looking a total state now, welcome Nancy: teach me how to make cocktails so I can make new friends? Rio: Ooh Rio: Fun Rio: Grandad gonna be pissed off but deal, old man Nancy: sorry but I need the gays to protect me now, granddad I can't wait for you to come over and be fabulous Rio: I'll invite some of my gay friends if you want Rio: not a hoe you out vibe Nancy: They'll back right off when they sense my 💔 so bring whoever you want Rio: See who's about and up for it Rio: first though, some tlc Nancy: If you bring a boy you like I'll promise not to gag Nancy: Or cry Rio: Trust, there are no boys making me gag or cry atm Nancy: Gross Rio: 😂 Nancy: And I assume disappointing? 🤔 Is that the goal, penis so big it almost kills you or? Rio: Oh honey 😏 Rio: I don't believe for a sec you're so 💔 that you're ready for the lowdown on the d Nancy: Trying to talk about you and your interests since I haven't shut up about me Rio: Sweet Rio: Maybe when I'm drunker myself I'll tell you all about it Nancy: Yeah? Nancy: So there's stuff to tell Nancy: Knew it Rio: Nahhhhhhh Rio: Not my own personal penis Rio: just the basics Nancy: Like basic teenage boys from your street or Ann Summer's basic range? Nancy: Either way, do better if I have to live through you Rio: Damn Rio: Pressure weren't real enough already, like 😜 Rio: Ma like, where's those grandkids @ Nancy: Like she wouldn't come at me with the same question Rio: We're all slacking Rio: for shame Nancy: Wait until she hears about my celibacy Nancy: Sorry auntie Nancy: I gotta do what I gotta do Rio: 'til you 👀 some cuties in the cloob Nancy: I'm giving myself to god Nancy: she's a babe Nancy: full nun mode activated Rio: You talking about Ariana Grande? Nancy: Never Nancy: I've got enough drama in my life without fancying a straight celeb Rio: Celebs don't count Rio: ask anyone, free pass, like Rio: off chance she's out in dubo tonight Nancy: It's 🌈 icons or nothing Nancy: But it's nothing, obviously Nancy: feel free to hit her up yourself though Rio: Picky Rio: I'm good tho, not really my type either Nancy: I could make a bunny joke but we don't need to get back into the Ann Summer's shelves Rio: Don't we? Rio: Celibacy ain't gon' be easy babe Nancy: I've done it before Nancy: First girlfriend, remember Rio: Pringle rules Nancy: Never say that again Nancy: Touches too much of a nerve, which in itself sounds dirty so Rio: 😂 Nancy: Don't laugh at me Nancy: Why did I have to ruin my life? Nancy: 😭 Rio: You had to know, yeah? Nancy: But I should've known anyway Rio: You'd always have a what if Nancy: Yeah but I've just swapped one for another 'cause now Quinn's a what if instead Rio: She's a has been now Rio: in the nicest possible way Nancy: Ouch Rio: Not a never ever though Nancy: Safe to assume Nancy: I wouldn't have me back Rio: Yeah but you're living up to your name rep rn Nancy: ? Rio: A negative Nancy Rio: sure that's not old Nancy: I was going on the McKenna part and I was like, how insulting is this gonna get? Rio: Too real for tonight Nancy: Too real for this month Rio: I'll allow it Nancy: Oh god, I'm gonna have to change all my birthday plans Nancy: Don't let me think about that Rio: Yeah, don't Rio: we'll sort something Rio: but I'm here Rio: pour me a drink and lemme in Nancy: 👌👌 Nancy: Excuse mum and dad's scowls Rio: 😬 Rio: Should I move my car lads Nancy: Back to the 24 and away from my bad influence I'm sure they'd say right now Nancy: not a direct quote Rio: I'll chat 'em round Rio: parents love me Nancy: 😏 Rio: Rude! Nancy: Hey, I'm preparing you for the kind of quality banter you'll have to get used to hearing if you hang around me Rio: Alright, the craic starts here Rio: deal with it, 'rents Nancy: 💚🍀