#whinyblog

[hangmanblog450]

[Personal safety blog.]

Two days ago, I had something good happen to me. I saw a woman buying gas with her dog and it really affected me positively. Like; I'll remember it. It'll be important to me for the rest of my life. It'll always matter, it just personally affected me in a positive way. I'd try to thank her in some way if I could. I guess it's nothing to hold oneself at fault for if you can't summon the ability to thank someone for something like that so I'll just say it made my world a little better. Maybe I'm just stealing a certain feeling that was meant for someone else. I'm weird like that. Like, I'm the kind of person who likes being alone, searching for things, idk, guess it may have been because it was right before July 4th. It triggered a feeling of nostalgia.

There's a "help wanted" sign on the door of the gas station. I keep going back to that day in my memory; thinking about it like I'm holding a sea shell to my ear. It quiet's the listless chatter. I got stalled in my driveway today; must of been a church letting out. I wish i could get help with my car. What happened that day; July 2nd; it helped my mind. I wish i could go back to that feeling. It feels like I took something for granted here. It's one of those things that makes me tilt my head and say "huh". It's good for people to see that kind of thing. It feels like i let it get fragmented in my mind; Like I didn't save all the things that happened and i let it get forgotten. It makes me think of my grandfather in a way. I never had one growing up so i wonder sometimes rather or not that effected how my personality turned out; sorta' like how never having attended a wedding may have. How he saved up the corners in his liquor bottles and added them up to make enough to fill a glass when he was hard up.

Saw a librarian at the gas station a while back, too, odd. I've been alone this whole time; I was so afraid of hurting their feelings I hurt my own.

It made me feel young again but in a bad way. It led to a sketchy feeling. It made me feel rewarded, and that's saying something because im not the sort of person who expects instant rewards. It's really hard to remember every little thing about it. And it's sensitive to recapture the feeling it led to. It's just sensitive. That's the only word i can think of to describe it. Sensitive; it's such a modern word.. And it's sensitive to believe some of the things that result from social media reactions. It's hard to except how seriously people take themselves on there. "How dare they send me a friend request." "That's what it's there for." Sensitive, like an animal. Sensitive feelings. Things here lately aren't easy for me. It's scary walking out my door because of how often my car breaks down. It's something most people don't have to worry about; especially people who live in gated communities. My car is my monster. It fails me and it's led to some terrifying walks home. And that is difficult for me. I tell myself it's ok, that it's just about nullification and coordination, but, It's sensitive.

Shit, sympathy, syphilis. You shouldn't give people the satisfaction of a reply. Melodrama..like Vic off Young & the Restless; Ann off Days of Our Lives; Ashley off As The World Turns. Idk; you wanna' do i you gonna' do it; You Don't Wanna' Do It You Ain't Gonna' Do It. Forging for something to eat mentally, and just cause i don't get stone cold homosexual on some motherfucker straight off the get-go doesn't mean i don't care..

Also in response to a post i saw about someone saying women should just stop having sex if they don't want babies and men not being able to except no for an answer i just want to say i haven't asked anyone for that recently so i don't know what to say. I mean infants; you just spend two and a half years teaching them how to speak English, sugaring them up, and then you spend the rest of your life trying to get them to shut up. Unless you like your kids, which some people do. I just like searching for things, and being alone. I've seen some hard arguments result from custody battles so i guess ill just back off the topic. I think most women just want a blow-up doll anyway. "Inflating your self-esteem endlessly? Sheiiiiiiiiiit ill just pull the rug out from under your ass and go back to being mean."

These next few years could be hard for me. At least something nice happened the other day. Something calm, for a change. Last year went by fast enough; maybe this year will wind up the same. Hope the car troubles end some day. Goodness, the old saying: "If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary." holds true. I can think of five instances where i've had to walk home and had no luck getting a ride. Just once where some redneck in a van drove me and one other i won't get into. Took me a quarter hour to geter' to start at the grocery store couple months back. Had to walk home from a gas station not even two months ago. It also broke down at car wash, a thrift shop, and two-lane. Seems i've inherited some bad luck every since that madman stuff that happened to me around Christmas a few years back.

On a lighter note; i commented earlier on a post about the sacred tradition of autism being handed down from generation to generation and i think some chicks might be that way about dancing. Like it's good that you can saunter so gracefully about the stage but it's like, i get worried you'll get nerve damage or something. Don't get too worried about your diet either. "Yeah man them rolls give you diariah." "Yeah well i gotta' right to eat what i want."

The takeaway from all this? Idk. Playstation? Hell run from it i guess. Mortal combat? Invented by a buncha' weirdos probably. Guess some things are just skin-deep. It's strange how my ex has one reason to like me and two reasons to hate me. Guess there isn't much takeaway after all. It's still important though. Hammond thought of it 1st. It matters, like it's personal...we're both adults right? It's not my fault is it? Is it something i said?

Speaking of conscientious enterprises...You know letters only say so much. Roughly half the time fussing only leads to so much. More than they say sometimes. Can't go back right? Done there...The take away from all this? What the hell? I'll try to lurk for the hell of it instead of editing so much. I'm getting tired. Both are making my eyes tired. The seasons drag on slowly...don't wanna' end up lamenting and forsaken. Mastermind, a clinic in Houston, Texas...my eyes are getting tired but i wish they were more tired. Living in debt.

She has five favs; Sheryl Crow. Marley & Me; Flowers; Ford Focuses, and Apple Pie. It's very perceptive of her to point out that scene in that book. She rolled in; dug everything out & found the one scene in one of my favorite books that matters. It matters to be seen; it's rewarding when someone of significance pays you attention; when they treat you like you exist, and likewise it's not always your fault when someone projects their emotions on you negatively. They say no one's perfect; but sometimes you just see someone at exactly the right time, and it's like you remember it as something that breaks the fall of a bad memory.

Evreyday in everyway I'm getting better & better. Just have to cultivate patience.

#recyclemycorpse #whinyblog