#which. being a hypochondriac wouldn't be a bad thing i feel like thats a bit ableist

[lynxalon]

me when i'm tired and hurting and scared and angry and no one is coming to help me and i don't say that to be negative or guilt anyone who might see this vent i say it as a fact because no one is going to help i have to help myself and i don't want to i don't want to help myself i want to lean on someone for once without being taken advantage of and i want to talk about my anger and express it and get it out in a healthy manner and i want to talk about how scared i am how my health terrifies me and i don't really know what's going on and i know my body to the best extent i can i and i have worked endlessly trying to conserve energy so i can do basic tasks like dishes and bathing myself and i have been working so fucking hard to fight the internalized ableism in me that screams that everything shouldn't be this hard and i should just Be Able to do these things and i don't have anything to actually fight these thoughts! because i don't actually know what's wrong and i have tried for the past three years. three fucking years. to make this one appointment. just one. to talk to a different professional and tell them i need help i and living less than half my life and i can't take it most days i can't take this cycle of deteriorating physical health into deteriorating mental health and round and round. i'm exhausted. i can't do the things i enjoy. i work so hard to try to do them occasionally. and i work hard to try and appreciate and enjoy it. and it's just hard.

i just want to vent tonight. i'm stressed. we've been having small bug problems lately. and then there's the waterlogged part of the carpet where we don't know where the water is coming from. and tonight i saw what might have been a roach and. i grew up between my mom and aunts place, and my aunts was beyond covered with bugs. at night it was horrifying and finding a place to sleep sucked ass. so it just. fucking triggered me, and i'm so tired and hurting but i pulled out appliances and things and sprayed down bugs and spots i've seen them in and. so i sat down and i was already overwhelmed and i couldn't find the remote so i could put something on and relax. and i did find it. but i just had to sit and work on breathing and cry a bit. i'm home all the time and i constantly am thinking about this. i'm so stressed about it. OH and it was made sooooo much worse because for the first time i saw one in our room. and. that nearly sent me into a panic attack. we have been so strict with having no food or anything like that in the bedroom. and it didn't do anything. there was still a bug. where there's one, there's so many more. i am. going to try and fucking relax.

#lynx speaks #personal vent #we have apartment checks tomorrow and i don't want to interact with anyone but i wanna make sure someone sees these things #we've called about having someone take a look and they looked at the leaks #i think one of them was fixed #but now theres this and i'm. like comeon can we catch a fucking break. #it could be worse but also these are licherally fixable things #butyeah. i'm still up cause i can't sleep. i'm in pain. dizzy and nauseous. my head has hurt almost every day for maybe a month or so #i'm fucking scared all the time. honestly i try and ignore it cause i don't like bein scared and i don't think i'm on deaths door so #maybe even if i leave it be i'll be sorta okay #thats. a bad mindset but fuck dude. i know it is. and i've asked for help. and when i was a minor i sorta got help #why does it feel so damn difficult as an adult? #and it really sucks cause my irl support system is one person (who i don't want to burden with all of this bullshit like i'll vent some) #and my family (tentative help at best because they have been dismissive and think i'm a hypochondriac) #which. being a hypochondriac wouldn't be a bad thing i feel like thats a bit ableist #but whether i were or not these syptoms still exist. the pain isn't gone because they called me a hypochondriac. i'm still exhausted. #sorry for the wall of text