#which also feels unhinged but it’s weirdly calming to my nervous system?

[shadeswift99]

Rating Hermits based on whether or not I'd call them to help me hide a body

Because it's 1:00 am again and you know what that means, it's time for me to make another unhinged list and immediately pass out afterwards! (Mandatory disclaimers: personas only obviously, also I promise I did not actually kill a guy)

Mumbo: I'm not sure how he'd deal with a body but I get the feeling that if I asked him to help me hide one he'd probably have a panic attack. 0/10 not because he'd be a snitch but just because I don't want to put the poor guy through that

Grian: If I could prove it was for a good cause, this guy would 100% help me hide a body. He seems like he has experience, which might be useful. 9/10 because there is the small chance that he'll report it if he gets bored with keeping a secret

Iskall: He would absolutely help me hide a body, no questions asked, but I'd owe him big time afterwards. 8/10 because debt to the tree man scary

Tango: Realistically, he'd probably be about the same as Grian in terms of helping me if he knew I was in the right. However, this man also can't lie for shit so 6/10 not willing to get my cover blown

Impulse: Shovel shuffle. 10/10

Zedaph: There are two options here: either Zed freaks out and I'd end up wishing I hadn't put this burden on him, or he is Weirdly Calm about the whole body hiding thing. Option one I'd feel horrible about, option 2 would be terrifying. 0/10

Doc: Would take the body and tell me to "stop worrying about it". I am not at all confident that he won't use it for some form of less-than-advisible science. 4/10 might go to him in a pinch but it would make me nervous

Ren: He would check to make sure I was okay, but really I don't think he would want to implicate himself in the crime. He would probably tell me to go find someone else to help. 5/10 wouldn't rat me out but also wouldn't give much more than emotional support

False: Queen of heads, hearts, and body parts. 'Nuff said. 11/10

Stress: She would be unexpectedly, scarily calm about it. She would probably teach me how to dissolve the body in acid or something, all while reassuring me that everything was going to be fine. 9/10 great help but I'd be a little worried about how many times she's done this before

Cleo: Is this even a question? "Dealing with a dead body" is just Cleo's day-to-day life (Death? Undeath? Un-life?). Wouldn't be phased at all. 100/10

Xisuma: By the end of this interaction, I will have had at least one cup of tea, I will probably be crying, and X will have throughly convinced me to turn myself in to the authorities. -99/10 the tea and talk would be good but this is kind of the opposite of "hiding"

Bdubs: Way, way too comfortable with this. Offers to help me fake my death and change my identity along with hiding the body. 2/10 he'd be very thorough but I'd probably end up with a forged birth certificate and an unnecessary plane ticket to Russia or something

Joe: Absolute wild card. He probably doesn't trust the justice system enough to turn me in to the police, but he certainly wouldn't just help me hide a body without a good long talk about exactly what I was thinking first. Still, no clue what he would do after that. ???/10

Keralis: Ruthless capitalist with unsettling eyes? -10/10 wouldn't ask him for anything but 100/10 would pin the murder on him, seems like an easy scapegoat

Etho: Like Iskall, except instead of an unspoken agreement that I owe him something undefined, Etho would make me sign away something or other in a rather fluidly-worded contract that I am in no way comfortable with signing. He would then disappear into the night without a trace until the time came to collect his payment. -100/10 he is absolutely smarter than me and seems like a very bad person to be in debt to, no matter how good Shade-E-E's impromptu burial service might be.

#Hermitcraft #tw death #tw implied violence #uuuuh ask to tag if i missed anything #shade rambles #listen i promise i don't purposely stay up to make these they just happen #i know i missed a few Hermits but it's now 1:36 am and i gotta shreep #also i actually had a more in-depth analysis for Impulse; but just saying shovel shuffle was 100% funnier so #shovel shuffle my dudes :) #time to go pass out #(queued for a more reasonable time in case i reread it in the morning and it's full of typos)