#whewwwwss

[sgkjd]

autistic masking for me comes with such amazing benefits (sarcasm here) like being able to intentionally sneeze silently, making myself delay my coughs and crying outbursts, manipulating my body (or my mind?) that no i don't want to pee and going a few more hours without doing so, knowing how to scream without letting a sound out etc

i've actually been told before "omg how can you do this??" at the fact that i sneeze without making a sound like it's a superpower u_u

it's nothing fun nor can be healthy in any way and i'm currently focused on unlearning these subconscious habits. my body really cannot take me doing things like that, especially when over the time it's become even more sensitive with a lower threshold for the time i can delay not crying or peeing when i really need to as well as for the intensity and frequency of meltdowns/shutdowns that would come crashing after that.

now imagine if i had learned so well to force and manipulate my natural bodily needs like that, how well i could and can hide the more subtle and not-on-the-surface emotional pain and other extreme discomforts. it's a long process, it's going to take a lot of time, and it's okay. it's really okay. i cannot rush things like that since they need my patience and care rather than me using force that's only momentarily effective.

#letting myself do more physical stims and not just things like slight tapping or skin picking #has helped me prevent my meltdowns immensely too #(skin picking is a terrible stim but god ive been unsuccessful in finding a non harmful replacement stim for it) #whewwwwss #; words generated by me #actually autistic #autistic masking