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antiquexbeast · 7 years

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once upon some basics

in response to ( this thing ) that i’m being yelled at about ( ???? )

because despite how obviously parody the video is, i’m sitting here realizing that i gotta explain why this isn’t “offensive” and “problematic” and is honestly more poking fun at weho stereotypes that, tbh, anyone who lives there has seen first hand.

for reference, i’m about three decades old, i’ve been too gay and ho to exist for most of my life, and weho has been where most of my existence has been when i’m not looking for bones and wearing as much lace and black as humanly physically possible in SoCal. all of the places in this video are places i frequently visit and party at.

lemme break this down:

lez be honest ( belle ):

-- is probably a closet gay -- might not even realize they’re gay -- legit doesn’t give a shit and just is out here to have fun and chillin -- trying their best an doin p well -- accidentally offensive -- kinda weird, is probably a nerd and into weird things, but you know she’s solid af -- you expected her to be a garbage ally, but is actually the coolest person you’ve ever met. -- is aggressively active about human rights and will either march with you or march for you -- is straight up oblivious ngl but she not a nancy so that’s gucci -- you crushed on her at least once because she’s good and got good hair don’t fuccin lie

gogo babies ( half naked dudes ): -- can only be found at The Club -- very greasy? sweaty? either way they glisten like greek gods under dancefloor neon lights are they even real? you literally only see them at The Club -- always naked except for thong undies -- and sneakers, for some reason??? -- are men of little words, but always seem to say enough to make you thirsty af athletic af, can bend in ways no normal gayboi can deal with ( that’s why we out here ) the more money you throw at them the sexier they get this is a fact about bards and gaybabies

thirsty clientele ( every single time you’re at the club ): -- ALWAYS creepin on gogo babies and... well.. literally anyone lbr -- will wait till you’ve had 7 shots of tequila then creep up on your ass from behind -- constant boner? or is it hands? either way it’s nopecity non-consensual and it’s time to flag down security -- they phase into the wall until you look at them and break their disguise and then you’re fuck’d -- honestly nothing about these guys are good they may as well be dementors -- can only be defeated by, literally, any charismatic gay who sees you in trouble and comes to your aid -- #there’s always a gay to protect you thankgod

shady gays ( dressed in black, shadin tf outta you on the street ): -- relentlessly savage af do not approach without a spine or being dead inside already -- regina george? guuuuurl don’t even play she ain’t even close to this -- will be precious to your face but knives at first base -- can automatically sense if you have knock off designer shit without even looking at it -- better not be wearin last summer’s jimmy choo’s or vera wang ‘cause you bout to be dragged -- will judge you on your love for betsey johnson, but seems to never be seen in public not wearing basic nu goth black ( ugh seriously? that’s soooo forever 21 ) -- vogue is basically their religion -- lady gaga may as well be their fashion inspiration, despite how impractical it is to wear 60% of runway designs -- will cry about anything, especially after drinking two wine coolers

adam and steve ( explanatory gays ) -- you watched Another Gay Movie and Will & Grace and now you get to meet this irl but x20 -- perfect skin and make up like how????? -- you haven’t seen anyone voguing since like 30 years ago but here it is -- rainbow paraphernalia, constantly, somehow -- the pose game here is rivaling JoJo, like you legit cannot compete you can’t even roll for dexterity here -- the actual personification of a unicorn, which is literally just a horse. because horses are extra af already so just glue a stick on they foreheads -- are always bottom. like don’t even suggest being top it’s not gonna happen -- drama... constantly... just.... nah

momma ( ru-paul. literally ) -- that is literally goddamn rupaul -- constantly busy and has zero time for normal conversations -- it’s like you forget ru is gay af and is close to LA and it makes sense to run into them here -- constantly ic lbr -- still manages to be that NPC that gives out real good advice -- is also that NPC you don’t expect to run into, like ever, so you better be ready for a wild adventure -- is your fuckin mom. not even drag mom, they’re you’re mom and is full of mom advice -- still problematic, but also still full of good mom shit

the queens ( of the stone age ) -- don’t even try they’re make up game is stronger than your lift game -- “this man looks better in a dress than i do” and that’s literally how it is just accept it -- are always chaotic fabulous -- will either be chill or problematic there’s no in between -- CONSTANTLY GOSSIPY -- drama? may have originated with them saying some shit while they were too drunk and forgot to not be a decent person -- might say accidentally transphobic shit, but depending on their alignment may actually correct their behavior

lost fitizen ( no homo-bro ) -- #loststraightboy, but lbr he already knows why he’s out here -- constantly nervous and suspicious -- can’t play it cool even if he tried -- is desperately trying to be as macho as possible, but you’ve caught him staring real hard at the gogo babies on more than one occasion -- may masquerade as the token straight garbage at the gay club tryin to feel up on ladies havin fun, but then gets real smooth when you cut in -- is a stoner? is drunk? you’re legit not sure he looks wildly startled, maybe he needs a nap or a snack ( #you #youarethesnack ) -- will offer to be your “work out buddy”............ you’re old enough to know what that shit means -- will either be a toxic fuckboi or your future respectful life partner there is no in between

haterade ( misc religious protestors ) -- srsl wtf r you don’t even go here -- will either be yelling aggressive random bible shit @ you or standing quietly looking dead inside because they’d rather be anywhere else but surrounded by naked gay men -- are literally everywhere, even at anime conventions like wtf -- maybe they need a fuckin nap or a nice salad? -- constantly contradicting their own dialogue when approached and questioned about their “beliefs” -- it’s literally the same people every year you wonder if they have lives or family

woke gaybabies ( literally every other normal gay ) -- blends in like spies or secret agents -- you can go years of your life without knowing they’re anything other than straight -- honestly just came out here to have fun, get some drinks, and cut loose for a night -- is probably your designated driver and suggests that you walk to the ihop a block away to get to food after you’re too drunk to function -- will ( reluctantly ) take care of your stupid drunk gay ass when you’ve had too much -- may be middle aged, but also has a fleeting hope they’ll find a nice person to talk to at the bar -- prefers OK Cupid to Tinder because the thirst difference between the two is too real -- has normal interests, is easily relatable, but are basically unicorns because their impossible to spot in the crowds of extras

the last lesbian alive ( is butch af ) -- in a sea of testosterone, you see a glimmer of estrogen somehow -- has she worn anything other than lumberjack print or doc martens? who honestly knows?? -- is probably more aggressive than your chihuahua do not engage her in a bar fight you will fuckin lose -- buzz cut, heavy set and is very passionate about fur babies and marching for human rights -- is straight up pissed off about the lack of women in weho to chill with like jfc? -- S&M. hands down. you better have the day off from work the next day cause you aint walkin straight the next mornin -- is basically a unicorn, lbr when was the last time you saw a fresh real lesbian in sausage fest weho -- will either be batshit or wholesome and good, there IS no in between gurlfrond -- will build you a house, but unlike your dad stuck in his shitty marriage, will actually fuckin do it, and it will be everything you ever hoped it would be

#{ out of the coffin }#lgbt #beauty and the beat boots #todrick hall #//i'm not responding to anyone about this list #//like these are literally people i've either met or fucked lol like?????#//like unless you live here the context of that video isn't gonna be very funny to you #//that is all goodnight ;;;#//mun is guilty of being an adam and steve and also momma ru sobs

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