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reginaidiotarum · 7 years

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A GIRL

I see how silly it was for me to title my last piece, “A Girl In A Boy’s Bod,” It was always just *my* body. It was a piece I wrote in distress at coming to my mother in distress and having that turn in on me. Having the conversation yanked right out from underneath me and the desperation of just being a voice in pain. It has been a full ten years now, since I wrote that, and I still have not read it since that night. It is too painful for me.

I have come a long way since that night. My world torn from underneath my feet. It was as though reality had slipped away. I knew it was pain. Terrible pain, but I never knew the course, just the correlation with certain things. I had said three words, and that was that. How dangerous the notion? I felt considerable pain all the time, a deep, psychological pain that were *as* intense as one of those medieval torture devices could muster. And I knew what lessened that pressure, and I knew what intensified it.

But this what never the argument people wanted to hear. This was an affront to their world view. They were blinded by faith and lost all semblance of reality. They would make fun of me, stand in my way, question if I was insane. All sympathy was lost in a clinical language and I languished in pain for years waiting for people to care enough about me to understand why I had tossed my life away with three words.

Prove to me you are not mad they said. How can I prove a negative? It makes no goddamn sense.

But I tried.

Here are my results:

First, I needed to study philosophy. If I have to answer an impossible question, I might as well understand the science of asking questions. Dan McCullough's “Out of the Cave” is my primary source for this stuff. He’s an amazing teacher and he distilled the arguments from many philosophical debates. Well, I came away from that knowing that using Synthetic *A Priori* (Assuming things) probably won’t get you very far to understanding something. Basically what I already knew, you can’t prove a negative.

But, what if you could?

Douglas Hofstadter wrote an amazing book about knowledge and understanding. He does this by analyzing human thought looking for all the little bugs. The mistakes we make, and understanding the code of the brain like that how you can watch that buggy Pokemon TAS to get a better understanding of how Nintendo games were made. His examples are MC Escher, famous for subverting the illusion of art to confuse human identification process, Bach, notable for playing with Shepard Tones and key stacks to leave different audio impressions.

(I tried to hear it myself, but I fear my partial childhood deafness left me with the inability to process music psychologically. I can hear it, but I am musically illiterate. But, I understood it through the descriptions of others. I looked at the patterns on the screen to see if I could understand it like that, but they just looked like mountains and valleys to me.

Kōsei Arima from Your Lie In April is a pretty good example of how I feel when trying to understand music, though his illiteracy is as a result of strong abuse associated with the process leading to pain whereas I just kinda hear key changes like they are blurry and indistinct.)

And Kurt Godel, who demolished the Principalia Mathematica by creating a little program using the logic therein to call for logic not contained inside.

Hofstadter uses these subjects to make a guess about human thought process so we can make artificial intelligences. He comes to the conclusion that knowledge is gained precisely by trying to assert a negative. He told the story about how all the mathematicians were super afraid of of testing Euclid’s Parallel Postulate and just kinda assumed there was proof of it. Like, two lines that are not parallel have to intersect somewhere, right? If it didn’t the entire system would fall apart.

Lewis Carrol, another influence of Hofstadter, dreams of a world of madness without this fifth postulate. In his ignorance of never trying Carrol’s imagination got the better of him. But, in the end, it was just hyperbola.

Two lines that never intersect, right there. A Hyperbola. Heck, it might even be one line, a parabola. Non-Euclidean isn’t nearly as scary as Lovecraft painted it out to be. In my experience treading into the unknown never reveals horrors, but the woefully mundane.

Assume you are wrong, and try yourself. It’s amazing. I had a lot of help trying my ideas against the nice people over at /r/GenderCritical. They were motivated by a fear of me that made them react to me with extreme rigor. I figured I’d entertain their debates long enough to feel them slip past the point of rationality or good faith, and give up. Here was the evidence I complied during this time.

If there is a heuristic approach to the universe, it’s science. Never assuming what is real, merely testing things, and recording the results. The scientists never sound confident, but when has confidence ever been a sign of wisdom? See, the scientists observe something. And, then they seek to understand it. They have a very pragmatic approach. They take a list of ideas as to what might be going on, and then arrange them based on what they have come up with as the most likely scenarios, and then they see if they can devise a test that they could iterate through to the point where it’d be improbable not to do.

Heck, sometimes you come up with a theory that can have a positive aspect to it. Zhou had a theory that “transsexuals” (Kind of an ugly word, makes it seem like we are motivated by sex), were experiencing a hormonal condition and neural biology. Early dissections of men’s brains and women’s brains showed slight differences. Things like longer dendrites on certain cells. The amount of neurons was fixed, but the structure of them was different. Zhou had decided to test various trans people, and he found that trans people had the structure of their gender identity, at least in some cases. Some people claimed that HRT spoiled the pot, so there have been experiments since then that have controlled for that.

“But that’s one person.” I only need one positive example to assert that it the possibility is true. And with the the GCers couldn’t touch me anymore, and they would have to deny empirical evidence itself. The continuity of the universe to continue arguing this point.

Well, I have an experiment that I could run. Well, it was not a good one because it would involve cutting open my head.

Maybe if I understood how this whole “brain” thing worked, I could see if I could find yet another test. So I studied neural networks. Mathematical simulations based on the neurons in the head.

So, we have known about the structure of the neuron for a while. Observed it under microscopes. We found that each neuron was structured in the same way. A bunch of fingers on one side, a pool in the middle, and a long tube on the other, sometimes with fat between them. (The layer of fat, an insulator layer, works like capacitors and allows the transfer of electrons through the space to shift the saline in the next segment of the cell into the next “drum” of fatty tissues. Makes for lightning fast transfer speed on those cabling neurons or input neurons)

They basically take data from the previous batch of cells, or in the case of certain cells, chemicals nearby. Convert that data into sodium or chlorine using pumps, and create a voltage level using the PH of the cell as a battery. These trigger a feedback function with another set of pumps to decimate the voltage and bring it to a normalized output for the next set of cells. Genius eh?

They use feedback loops, and the fingers, the dendrites, grow or shrink based on various forms of chemicals in the brain. Zhou’s work seemed to imply the the dendrites of these BSTc cells got seeded to their position during the third trimester of pregnancy, and laid dormant until puberty shifted them.

One neuron can provide the logic for AND, OR, NOT, ADD, SUBTRACT due to the pumps used. Two layers of neurons can give you an XOR, and after layers and layers of these, you have a heuristic sort program that can basically process any data.

So, we know there are cells there, and the are permanently affixed to one position. No amount of meditation or forced feedback can make those little suckers grow to my body, and I fear disrupting the processes of the neural network to try a hard-reset on them. It seems that my hormone levels are being reported in my brain through these cells, and the experience is pain.

Eureka, I had it.

I just needed to test it for myself.

This is where I’m going to say I engaged in a bit of mad science. I know how dangerous it is, but I’m dealing with finitude here, and if this is my one life, I’m going to make the best of it. I decided to see if changing my hormones took my pain away.

I also knew what the results of HRT would do to me, and so I asked for a new name and adopted pronouns of my new hormone levels. I knew not long into my treatment, significant changes would occur.

I could do it by taking a common diuretic that could suppress my natural testosterone count, and appending my estrogen levels with estridiol, a hormone already in use by many post-menopausal women and women taking birth control. Neither are radical or hard to get drugs. Neither are kept in pharmacies purely for my sole benefit to say the least.

I hunted around and selected my doctors. I didn’t want gatekeepers for this experiment, I wanted enablers. I knew that if my problem wasn’t hormonal, I��d have 6 months to cease treatment before any changes had occurred.

I didn’t last a week on the the treatment until I called it an amazing success. You know that video of the color blind guy wearing glasses that allow him to see color for the first time? It was like that for me for everything.

My pain was gone, and for the first time, I felt like I could see the world for how beautiful it was.

It was true then. I have been a girl this entire time. But, what did it all mean?

#trans #hrt #mad science #neurobiology

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