#when the hero in book 3 sold his marriage proposal by being like I’m not squeamish I will even go down on you my soul left my body | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

evilsapphyre · 7 years

Text

Sapphy’s Spoilerific Review

Season 7 Episode 1

In case the title isn’t specific enough, this will be a very spoiler-filled review for Game of Thrones.

You have been warned!

Welcome back to HBO and Westeros. It's been a long 13 months or so. But finally, we can find out what is in store for our intrepid heroes, and villains, and people we just kind of wish would stop existing.

After a lengthy previous on, we open at The Twins, with another feast hosted by... Walder Frey? Wait, didn't he get his throat slit after eating pie made of his sons. Apparently, he gathered all his sons to feast them again… And he wants them to eat and drink and be merry. Mostly. He still has his dislike of them women of his.

Of course, his actual speech seems a bit strange, almost like he's not really himself. And sure enough, as they all drink their poisoned wines, Arya rips off her Walder suit to watch them die too. And as the women stare on in horror, she tells them to spread the word - The North Remembers.

Yep, you better believe it, bitches! (Someone from the North had to!)

We then head beyond the Wall, where, in case we forgot, the White Walkers are coming. And if that’s not terrifying enough (and it's a really gorgeous shot over snow with mist), there are at least 3 undead Giants! Oh snap! If only they hadn't wasted the last living Giant on getting back Winterfell from Ramsey. RIP Wun-wun!

It seems we get that vision courtesy of Bran and his ever-flowing weirwood wifi connection. Thankfully, Meera saw Wonder Woman this Summer and dragged Bran to safety, as IIRC, Uncle Benjen left them quite a hike away from the gate. Lord Commander Dolorous Edd greets the wayward pair at the gate, wanting to know if they are wildlings. Meera introduces them, but the new LC is rather doubtful. Rather than prove who they are, Bran just states all he's ever seen about Edd, and they are admitted back to the proper North… south of the Wall.

Up next, we find ourselves in Winterfell. Jon is being all Kingly, dictating orders on how they are going to get ready for the coming War. He wants all their dragon glass, and beyond that all able bodied man, woman, and child will prepare for the upcoming war. What, women can't, or shouldn't, fight?! Old School Northern Man tries to claim (in front of Brienne no less!).

Fortunately, we still have hope for Westeros. And to continue making old men look dumb, young Lyanna Mormont slaps him (and any other male daring to think like that ) verbally upside their heads. I'm pretty sure that she’s the true leader of Westeros. I wonder how long it will take the rest of the Queens to realize it?

All hail Lyanna, first of Her Name.

What will Ser Friendzone do when he finds his baby sister on the Iron Throne?

Anyways, I digress!

Jon asks Tormund and the Wildlings to man Eastwatch by the Sea! Good riddance, I say! Tormund needs to go far away from my Brienne, as she awaits her maiden fair. Tormund must realize he’ll never have her and agrees to his suicide mission. (Not before a later scene with a lustful sigh from the Wildling as Brienne tries to dissuade his advances by beating up on Pod.)

Next, Jon needs to handle business regarding the family holds of the Umbers and Karstarks. He wants the families to keep them. Old School Lord wants to destroy them. Sansa pipes up and wants to reward faithful houses with the new keeps. Jon and her bicker in front of the Lords, and it is clear she wishes she was in charge. Jon finally slaps her down with his stern voice, reminding her that HE is king. He asks tiny Lord Umber and Alice Karstark (uhm, why isn't Tormund all about her? He married her in the books) to say the words. And that was the end of that squabble.

Except Sansa and him keep squabbling once they leave the meeting. He tells her plainly to not undermine him in front of the lords. And she whines about not being able to voice her opinion. Now I'm all about female empowerment, but there is a time and place for voicing opinions. Apparently, she forgot. Much like she forgot about telling Jon about the Vale Knights last season.

Anyways, she practically calls him Joffrey because he doesn't want people to see him bicker in public with people. Because it does undermine his authority. He's appalled at the comparison, but she quickly recants saying he's a good ruler. The conversation turns towards Sansa feeling they're looking the wrong way for War. They should be looking South. She diatribes about how awful and cunning Cersei is, but Jon says he knows how bad the real threat is. Plus, no Southern army could last in their Winter. After all, they're Siberia.

He also points out how Sansa seems to admire Cersei.

Which segues us to King's Landing... and Cersei walking across a huge painted floor map of Westeros. Jaime follows her and establishes that he may still be pod-Jaime. (BOOO!) I'm also sensing a theme of bickering siblings as the two are squabbling over things like... how many Kingdoms and dynasties.

Jaime is more sensible than Cersei pointing out that they essentially have no allies (especially since the report out of the Twins has come down) and that all of their children are dead. There's no one left for a dynasty.Especially since Cersei disregards her other brother who she knows is Hand of the Queen for Dany. That only makes her seethe more, and she throws that in Jaime's face.

And really, don't get me started on pod-Jaime and how he wanted to talk about losing their baby boy. He knew King Butters killed himself, so does he know his sister went all Mad King on Sept of Baelor? (Hint: The only acceptable answer is HELL NO! Otherwise, she'd be dead.)

Anyways, when discussing all of their enemies, there are two major foreshadowing hammers: Highgarden, home to the Queen of Thorns, has all the food, and Dany will land on Dragonstone. All the more reason that they need allies in this upcoming war. Cersei points out that she does have an ally in mind, and she learned quite a bit from her father. (Doubtful!)

Enter Euron Greyjoy and the Ironborn fleet, looking for love in all the wrong places. There is an overly machismo display by Euron as he tries to display his plumage for Cersei. He paints a picture of how they were both betrayed by family who defected to the Targs. He makes a few promises and then proposes marriage. After all, he has two good hands. (Pod-Jaime pantomimes quite well in the scene, offering to stick him with his sword.) She declines him, but he says he'll prove he’s worthy and leaves.

We move to Oldtowne and the Citadel, where Sam… Has become an indentured servant of the Maester Order. If we weren't sold on how awful his "tutelage" is, we are given a lengthy montage where he puts away books, cleans filthy shit-filled chamber pots, and pours soup that looks quite like the shit in the pots. Blech! He wants to desperately get into the restricted book section, but he sadly doesn't have a Cloak of Invisibility like a different would be wizard in another series. So instead, he heads off to speak with Ol' Slughorn himself.

Slughorn gives him some advice on what it really means to be a Maester, and how impartial they should be. He reminds them that even in the darkest of hours, ages of ago, people succeeded, and so they will again. But he still can't have access to the books. I mean, horcruxes and all. So, Sam steals the key, steals a bunch of books, and goes back to his Wildling baby mama and kid. He then discovers that Stannis told him the truth about there being a bunch of Dragon Glass on Dragonstone. We also get one brief glimpse of Ser Friendzone, who managed to get to Oldtowne in search of a cure. He's still hung up on Dany too. Even as he turns to stone.

The Hound and the Brotherhood are still moving towards the North. It's snowing pretty hard in the Riverlands, and their banter is kind of boring. (To me anyways.) However, they come across the cottage where The Hound stole the silver of the kindly farmer who helped him and Arya years ago. He wants to be a better guy, and now he has guilt for the fact that he may have killed these people - indirectly.

The Hound has a funny comment about how he ended up with a cult of fire worshippers, but he sees the power of the fire when Beardy McTopknot tells him to. And it works just like that, as Clegane sees the upcoming icy death of the North. If that didn't bond them, Beardy McTopknot and Clegane also bury the dead farmer and his kid in the middle of the night.

Arya and Sansa are spotted each in different scenes. Arya stumbles across some Lannister soldiers, and she does the age old "Tell them the truth" after she befriends them, but they just laugh at her comment about killing the Queen. For a moment, she looked like she would kill these soldiers, but she hasn't become a full sociopath yet clearly. (Although, props to them for singing the song that the musician wrote in the books about Shae.) Sansa has a small chat with Baelish, and I'm sure it leads somewhere, but I wish she would decide who she is supporting - even if it's herself. This waffling of hers... It's getting old! Prove you've learned the game by doing something that will actually accomplish something. (And if you want to top Cersei, just side with Littlefinger long enough to get what you want and then dispose of him.)

Finally, we come to Dragonstone, where Dany has finally come home!

There's not much to say other than that this is a beautiful sequence, and they spared no expense on this set. Nothing is said, and really, it would have taken away if people said anything. And can I just say that the throne at Dragonstone is like so much more awesome than the damn Iron Throne? Sign me up for the interior (and exterior) decorator. I could use some dragon accents around my house.

That pretty much encapsulates the episode. Tune in next week to see what happens next As Westeros Turns.

#game of thrones #review #got #got review #tongue in cheek #s7e1 #sapphy's spoilerific reviews

7 notes · View notes

associatevidiot · 7 years

Text

Things I, a Moderate Liberal, Actually Like Quite a Lot About America

Hello! Moderate liberal here. I happened upon this post detailing a list of things that I, a liberal, supposedly hate about America. So I thought I’d quickly run down it, point by point, to see how it checked out.

1. The U.S. Constitution I love the U.S. Constitution so, so much. The First Amendment in particular. I love the Constitution so much that I even respect the parts that make very little sense to me. (The Second Amendment could, at the very least, have used a decent copy editor. So much confusion just from a couple of awkwardly placed commas.)

2. Liberty Love it!

3. Freedom Same thing as liberty, but hey, I also love it!

4. Success I have no problem with success! Success is great! I wish success for all who strive for it. Now, conflating success with virtue -- saying that you must be a good person just because you succeeded, or a bad person because you didn’t? Not a fan of that.

5. Big Trucks Eh. I don’t see the point of them unless you need one for your job, in which case I’m all for big trucks. But I don’t hate them so much as roll my eyes at them. Also, I think we can all agree that monster trucks are awesome, and the world is a better place for having them.

6. Capitalism It’s got its downsides in its rawest, least fettered form, but it’s also been responsible for unleashing unprecedented human prosperity, and lifting millions out of poverty. And it’s way, way better than, say, the idiocy that is Communism. Capitalism, like pro sports, simply needs good referees.

7. Free Markets I love free markets! I’d like to see more of them. Free markets in health care. Free markets in broadband. Free markets everywhere, without regulations designed to protect established incumbents at the expense of scrappy up-and-comers. I’d like to see free markets filled with companies that work hard every day to do right both by their employees and their customers, lest a competitor swoop in and outperform them.

8. Wealthy People I like wealthy people! Good for them! I don’t begrudge anyone the ability to live in comfort. And, hey, if they’ve got a little money left over to reinvest in the country that helped them become wealthy, that’s great, too!

9. Economic Prosperity You caught me. I actually favor grinding poverty and misery for all! Ha. No. I love economic prosperity. I’d like more of it for myself and, well, for everyone. Which is why I favor things like single-payer health care and investments in education and infrastructure to help said economy prosper.

10. The Rule of Law I love the rule of law! I love the way it protects the powerless from the powerful. I love the way it allows appellate courts to overrule bad laws made by bad or misguided people! I’d like to see the rule of law applied equally to every citizen of our great nation.

11. Traditional Values As a married guy and a father, I have to say, I love devoting my life to the woman I adore with all my heart, and working with her to raise our children to be kind, thoughtful, polite, compassionate, inventive, thrifty, and hard-working.

12. The American Flag Love it. The stars. The stripes. The color scheme. The swell of pride and awe at the thought of all the sacrifices made and all the greatness achieved and all the hope inspired by that banner.

13. The Founding Fathers They certainly weren’t perfect. But they gave us the Constitution, which was pretty amazing. Also, Ben Franklin alone is impossible not to love. Dude took air baths in the nude and slept his way through the wives of the French aristocracy, AND invented bifocals.

14. Guns As a fan of firearm-intensive cinema from John Woo to John Wick, I can confidently say that guns are freaking awesome. In real life, I prefer my guns in the hands of people who’ve been thoroughly trained in how to use them in defense of others, and not, say, indiscriminately placed in the hands of troubled people who might shoot up a movie theater or an elementary school or their families or themselves.

15. Limited Government Depends on your definition of “limited,” but I can certainly see places where too much government is both possible and undesirable. Next!

16. Religious Freedom A Mormon acquaintance of mine recently posted about how her stake had opened their place of worship to Muslims who needed a place to pray because someone who didn’t like religious freedom had burned down their mosque. That story choked me up. I love religious freedom, and the moment someone proposes a law to dictate what you can and can’t say or do in church, I’ll be right there to oppose it.

17. Homeschooling Eh. Doesn’t seem necessary to me, but hey, it’s a free country.

18. Private Schools See No. 17.

19. Christian Schools See No. 17. Plus, if your faith is so strong that you need to shield it from the outside world wherever possible, maybe your faith is not that strong?

20. Entrepreneurs Steve Jobs, whatever his failings, is a hero of mine. Ditto Jim Sinegal, founder of Costco, and Warren Buffett, head of Berkshire Hathaway. I love people who take risks, start businesses, and create jobs.

21. Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan is, alas, kind of a dirtbag. The Screen Actors Guild elected him to lead them, and he promptly sold them out to get a sweetheart deal for himself. Then he spent the Blacklist era casually tossing his professional rivals to the Congressional wolves to further his own career. That said, he had the guts to advocate for reasonable gun control after being shot, and he really got the danger of nuclear war and worked hard to prevent it. For that especially, I’ll always be grateful to him.

22. Donald Trump Guilty as charged. Mostly because Trump has a demonstrated history of treating other people horribly. But you can’t get that messed up without a really awful childhood, so deep down, I just sort of feel sorry for him. He doesn’t seem like a truly happy person. I wonder if he ever got down on the floor and played with any of his kids when they were little. I really hope he did.

23. Mike Pence Guilty as charged, but again, mostly because Pence has a documented history of not taking good care of the people he was elected to serve. But that said, I hope Mike Pence lives a long, happy, and prosperous life! I just hope he does so far from any position of political power.

24. Country Music Johnny Cash is a freaking genius. June Carter Cash is amazing. Patsy Cline is gorgeous. Darius Rucker has an amazing voice. Garth Brooks’ “We Shall Be Free” gives me a lump in my throat every. Dang. Time. Hank Williams was awesome. I could go on.

25. Rush Limbaugh That poor, sad man.

26. The Tea Party I may disagree with them, but hey, good on them for engaging in democracy! That’s the way to do it.

27. Lower Taxes I would love lower taxes. I just don’t want anyone else to suffer so that I can have more money.

28. Old-Fashioned Light Bulbs Actually, yeah, I do hate these! Why would anyone want to waste money on something designed to break way, way sooner than it needs to?

29. Jesus The idea that one man would lay down his life to redeem the sins of all mankind awes me to my core, and inspires me to try to lead a more Christlike life myself. I wish everyone acted more like Jesus!

30. The Bible There’s some pretty good stuff in there! Definitely don’t hate it.

31. The Christian Faith I was married in a Baptist church by a Methodist minister who is, no foolin’, one of the best people I know. Christians can be really great people, and any faith that inspires them to be that way is A-OK in my book.

32. The Drudge Report Well, OK, I’m not a fan, but I also roll my eyes at the Huffington Post, so...

33. John Wayne I can’t recall a more thrilling introduction to a character than the way the camera swoops across the landscape to reveal young John Wayne in “Stagecoach.” And “The Searchers” is just fantastic. Like Vin Diesel, Wayne simultaneously manages to be a kind of bad actor and a really good actor, and I love him for that.

34. Alex Jones ... Yeah, guilty as charged. Mostly because he claims murdered kids were fake actors. That’s not cool, man! I know you’re a red-faced amalgam of beef sweats and conspiracy theories, but have a little decency.

35. NASCAR ... They just go around in a circle! Over and over and over!

36. Tupperware Why would anyone hate Tupperware? It’s great!

37. Big Cheeseburgers I will fistfight anyone who maligns big cheeseburgers. They’re one of my favorite food groups.

38. Football Three words: “Friday Night Lights.” So good.

39. Clint Eastwood If for nothing else, I’d love Clint Eastwood for “Unforgiven.”

40. The Army

41. The Navy

42. The Marines

43. The Air Force I’m the very proud son, brother, and grandson of Air Force vets. My grandfathers flew with bomber crews in WWII and Korea. My dad was a fighter pilot for 30 years. I grew up on Air Force bases with the Sound of Freedom overhead. If you say I hate the Air Force, you and I are going to have words. I love the other branches of the service only slightly less. (: Also, does this mean liberals love the Coast Guard? Because those guys are great.

44. Ron Paul Eh. I don’t think he means any harm.

45. Rand Paul Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, especially about government overreach in regard to the surveillance state.

46. Marriage

47. Family

48. Babies For the above three, please see answer 11. Also, don’t these kind of overlap with “traditional values”?

49. Wal-Mart Every Wal-Mart cashier I’ve ever spoken to has a story that will break your heart. Every single one. Every time.

50. Flag Pins I have no problem with wearing the flag, as long as you act in ways that honor it.

51. Steakhouses For my bachelor party, I went to a steakhouse and ate a tomahawk ribeye the size of my head. Don’t you dare tell me I hate steakhouses. I’m from Texas. Them’s fightin’ words.

52. Chuck Norris Seems OK to me.

53. Bottled Water I drink it all the time!

54. George Washington Owning slaves is about the only blemish I can think of for this otherwise sterling example of humanity. And he was at least less of a jerk about that than most people at the time. On the whole, Washington was a great man who truly loved his country and did right by it.

55. The 1st Amendment

56. The 2nd Amendment

57. The 10th Amendment We have already established that I love the Constitution. All of it. Even the parts I disagree with.

58. The Pledge of Allegiance Eh. It’s kinda silly when you learn the history behind it, but it does no harm, and I like the idea of having shared cultural touchstones that unite us as Americans.

59. McDonald’s I applaud their clean restrooms and tasty smoothies.

60. Coca-Cola Not my favorite, but I don’t hate it.

61. Fried Food Fried okra is perhaps the best possible form of any vegetable.

62. Muscle Cars I’ve seen all but one of the “Fast & Furious” movies. Muscle cars are awesome.

63. Charlie Daniels I would prefer not to live in a world that didn’t have “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.” Come on, that song is great.

64. Dolly Parton Who hates Dolly Parton? Who could possibly hate Dolly Parton? She’s great.

65. Duck Dynasty Eh. Kinda dumb idea for the TV show, but hey, good on those folks for starting a successful business and enjoying its benefits.

66. Johnny Cash We have previously discussed this.

67. Sarah Palin I’m very happy that Sarah Palin can live her life in freedom and ease, far from the levers of power. I wish her and her family nothing but the best.

68. Cheesesteaks Again, who could possibly hate cheesesteaks? They have meat! And cheese! And bread!

69. Sean Hannity ... yeah, guilty as charged.

70. Rodeos They’re pretty fun! And man, it takes a LOT of skill and hard work to be good enough to compete in one.

71. Cadillacs What am I supposed to hate?

72. Barbie Dolls Shrug.

73. Ted Cruz ... Okay, for real now, does anyone like Ted Cruz? I mean, John Boehner called him “Lucifer in the flesh.”

74. Fiscal Sanity I love fiscal sanity so much. I’d like to see more of it. I try to practice it in my own life and budget.

75. Charlton Heston Ben-Hur and Touch of Evil exist. Your argument that I hate Charlton Heston is invalid.

76. Israel I’m of Jewish descent, and I’ve seen pictures of Dachau just after it was liberated. Nope. Don’t hate Israel.

77. Benjamin Netanyahu Don’t hate the guy, but fine, I dislike him -- mostly because I think he’s bad for Israel.

78. Miners Brave, hardworking folks doing an awful job to dig up stuff we need? Good on them.

79. Loggers As long as they plant more trees than they cut down, we’re cool. People need wood. I get it.

80. The Coal Industry The folks who dig coal out of the ground? Nope. The folks who profit off their misery while cutting corners on their safety? Kinda, yeah.

81. National Sovereignty In order to hate this, I would have to fully understand what it implies.

82. National Borders Well, I mean, I’m not dying to return to the age of the supercontinent Pangea, so no, I don’t hate borders.

83. Uncle Sam Love him.

84. The Washington Redskins The name, yes. The actual players, no. Lotta Redskins fans among my in-laws. I respect that!

85. Small Businesses Love ‘em. Want to do more to help them thrive.

86. Self-Employment My brother’s self-employed. I love my brother. Ergo, I love self-employment.

87. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles They’re pretty cool. And made in the USA. Don’t hate ‘em.

88. Military Veterans Please see 43 above,

89. The Phrase “Islamic Terror” Well, yes, but only because it makes life more dangerous for the soldiers trying to protect us from radical Islamists like ISIS.

90. Big Families Eh, it’s a free country. They can do what they like!

91. The Bible Belt Is this even a thing anymore? Whatever. Don’t hate it. Free country.

92. The Creation Museum Mostly I just think this is kinda dumb. But then, I think ignoring science gives God and his majesty short shrift.

93. The 10 Commandments I love ‘em! Especially “thou shalt not kill” and “thou shalt not bear false witness.”

94. Anyone That Is Pro-Life I have dear family friends who are pro-life. They adopted two kids and gave them a fantastic, loving home, and they volunteer to help give other babies that same chance. I couldn’t be prouder of them.

95. Anyone Who Disagrees With Them See above. Also, I’ve had some great discussions with people who disagree with me on Facebook. If you really listen to people without trying to judge them or change their minds, you can learn a lot!

96. Hard Work It’s not, you know, always fun, but it’s definitely a good thing!

97. Patriotism I refer you to the Sound of Freedom above.

98. Winning I like winning! It’s fun! I just think when winning becomes your highest goal, you’ve lost sight of more important things.

99. The Truth I went to journalism school. The truth is my religion.

100. The American People How could I hate myself? I’m an American person, too! In fact, last I checked, 53% of the American people either were liberals or were willing to vote for one to be President. We are large. We contain multitudes. And that’s beautiful.

0 notes