#when ppl (esp irl) kno a lot abt me so i dont tell her quite a bit

[666bone]

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#ik im literally always talking to myself on here but i have a whole 2 friends & i feel guilty always talking abt myself #for 1 pal we not Really that close bc we havent done a real talk like very lowkey real talks #& the other pal ive known since kindergarten & knows almost everythng abt me but she got Issues™ & i dont want 2 trigger her & also i panic #when ppl (esp irl) kno a lot abt me so i dont tell her quite a bit #but ok anyway #last night when i was hanging out w that one pal from high schoool it was really nice and i really missed him but i think im just in a swing #bc like 2 days ago i was really mad @ him #but now im content & full of love smdh #he had a real bad coke problem last year and he has new scars on his arm and we always vibed real well bc we had ?? that sense of #understanding & hes honestly ?? the only male i know that calls out his male friends on their ignorant/bigoted bullshit #like when i told him i got that 1 dude kicked out of the club bc he was harassing me & my pals he was like #'shit im sorry you had to deal with that im glad youre alright and that you got the creep kicked out' #which was ??? really nice to hear bc when i told 2 of my other male acquaintances abt it they didnt really care or joked that i ruined that #guys night like...........shit what abt my night man that guy waas 6'5 and im fucking 5'2 and NOBODY wa doing anything to help me #if anything he ruined my fukin night god damn #like ik its lame ~praising~ guys for not being complete garbage but....its nice & its validating & i never get validated so lemme have this #ok #he said he could hook me up w his dealer and im very tempted but ik if i do im going to blow all my savings and go on a bender & be dead #in a few months #like on 1 hand = nice #& then my fukin wise mind is like 'u fukin dumb shit can you Calm down For ONNCE in yr gotdamn life' #anyway im crying again why i gotta be like this smdh #also im still fat & im going to visit the fam in mexico on the 22nd & im still fat and i dont want to wear shorts or a fucking swim suit #i cant do that i dont want to do that #i hate going down there i hate it #so obviously i gotta lose @ least 10lbs b4 i go there #last time i was there it was during 1 of my Episodes™ #& was horribly depressed and regularly not in touch w reality & its really embarrassing #& i dont want 2 go again #i love mexico & the culture & everything abt it but my family..................ruins it lol i cant do it they make me want 2 die