#whatever lol what i am saying is im fearfullllllll im full of fear and its not the healthy kind lol it is paralyzing it keeps me from breath

[onereallygoodlambonastick]

how to be wary/alert without crossing over into fear? is the question

#a question. i guess. today i had enough energy to think about how to navigate spaces/places w/o getting dumbed down by fear #ok a certain kind of fear. like the ..disabling kind? idk. mayb this is a superficial boundary but how to keep the leash on a warranted ' #'paranoia'. alertness that enables access to action and direct action and harm reduction stuff. not endless paranoia and guilt-feeding. #feel like u have to be in a very well-resourced space internally to idk have the stamina to keep up that kinda alertness/wariness #this has a lot to do with killing/unlearning the part of you that cringes at being 'out of step' or being surveilled or not wanting to step #on ppl's toes or disturb the negative peace or whatever. i feel like i could've explained this better when im not knee-deep in an episode bu #whatever lol what i am saying is im fearfullllllll im full of fear and its not the healthy kind lol it is paralyzing it keeps me from breath #ing and moving and etc etc #and also when am i gonna feel secure enough to sense that this shit is just straight up silly? and stupid? all the way through? that i find #it so disinteresting and un-arresting that i am deeply unimpressed n so able to achieve another sorta buoyancy? that lets me keep working or #being or doing the shit i want to do #cuz rn im so fatigued -- well its better i used to not be able to lift a finger without wanting to die -- that all this seems inaccessible o #or something . and ive been passing slowly thru the same old acknowledgement that maybe it isnt lol. it makes sense that this is a praxis a #way of life to orient towards rather than uhh uh the thing in my head that says that losing my grip on this means losing my grip forever and #its a permanent reflection of my worth/failure or whatever. its a one-time thing. end or be all. all or nothing. etc #lol. like relearning is a one-time bus stop. lol. sorry lol. #u know i was so angry and despairing at how i cant even rest now without guilt pervading all senses even tho i remembered i could easily #and without effort before. and a little bit rn im having the space to remember that thats an active practice helloooo thats why its an activ #practice it did not hit me immediately or at all as most things do rn but uh yeah its starting to look not-impossible. finally. i really had #to slog thru months to come to a point where this is possible again huh. exhausting #dont rb #soy talks shit