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#whatever i'm a tired hormonal mess rn & i'll feel better tomorrow when i'm apple picking
owlbelly · 8 months
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l'shanah tovah, i'm kvetching about religious frustration i guess
i always feel so weird on HHDs. all my Jewish friends are either doing video services with various congregations all over the map, or going in person to one of the local ones & i just don't ever feel like i want to do either of those things. with big online stuff i'm just totally disconnected & usually waiting for it to be over. i'd do better at an in-person thing but i'm so allergic to institutions, i don't want to be a member of a shul. the only time i ever had something fulfilling to do was when i was involved with that local radical havurah/minyan which was SO much more my style of observance & ever since that disbanded i've been kind of like. well, big shrug.
i feel really grateful to have local Jewish stuff to do - chevra kadisha, co-organizing the Hanukkah market & Jewish zine fest pop ups, going to other people's little workshops here & there etc. - but i really don't have anything to replace what NS was...like a real collective prayer/ritual thing. i only even had like a tiny taste of it before the pandemic (there were some things that happened during but they weren't in-person gatherings) but i guess that was enough to feel kinda depressed now. idk! i think i'm also just sick of feeling like i'm too tired & unfocused to do any ritual even by myself. being Jewish & having massive executive dysfunction & fatigue is a whole fucking thing i barely ever see anyone talk about. ofc i know a lot of other disabled Jews but it feels like everyone has more patience for online services than me. also like...maybe i would enjoy having a consistent personal Shabbat observance of some kind but that has never felt possible! i made myself a nice little altar space with all my Jewish stuff on it & i do NOTHING with it because i've never been able to maintain any kind of consistent personal ritual practice, ever, so i just try to look at it sometimes & appreciate it, which i guess is better than nothing. i try to be really protective of what i do consider to be my Jewish observance, which is a lot of study & creative expression, my ethical frameworks for how i live & socialize & pursue justice - but i hate constantly feeling like i'm not a part of "actual" Jewish religious practice even though i am an authority-rejecting weirdo Jew. i guess "actual" for me is just doing ritual & prayer, especially with other people, it doesn't have to be traditional although i like there to be some element of that too.
idk we're gonna go apple picking tomorrow like we usually do for Rosh Hashanah & i do appreciate that i have that! but that's a secular observance with my non-Jewish chosen fam. i do actually wish i had a religious thing to do with other Jews & i don't like any of my options & i'm unexpectedly sad about it
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