#went over to my grandma's house. probably freaked her out. although i guess mom called her? idk. ate some food. went to bed at her place.

[averymessyxmas]

Chapter 10

Narkim:

 Norielle passed out and MJ grabbed her in time. “Narkim go get Janessa and Vada now!”. I ran upstairs, and Janessa was already coming out the room. “What’s going on?” She turned on the hall light. “Oh My Gosh what happened to your face?!” She said trying to inspect my face, I lightly moved her hand and shook my head. “Norielle passed out” I told her. Her eyes widened. “Where, where is she?” She asked. “Downstairs, get Vi” I said. I ran back downstairs, Vada and Janessa followed me minutes later. “Okay somebody call an ambulance, she is pregnant” Janessa said. “Nori!” She said lightly. MJ pulled out his phone and called 911. “Narkim what happened?” Vada asked. I shook my head. “She had an anxiety attack” I told them. “Alright they are on the way” MJ said.

We all sat in the waiting room at North Side Hospital. “Should we call mama?” Vada asked. I shook my head. “Nori would be pissed if we told mama” I said. MJ stood up against the wall. “How come yall aint tell me my baby sister was pregnant?” I shrugged. “Yall let us know what they say, walk with me Nari” MJ said. I sighed. “Yo what happened?” He asked. “My friend Andre, I was telling you about is her baby’s father, her boyfriend. I aint tell her I was the reason, she been stressed lately, and I can feel it sometimes she gets anxiety attacks it started since she got pregnant, I aint expect her to find out like that. I feel really bad man” I said feeling my eyes get watery. MJ sighed. “Nari, look once dude get out and everything, she’s going to forgive you, may take a minute but yall closer than we all are cause yall shared a womb, birthday yall just close, she just hormonal” He told me. Denisha ran into the hospital doors. “Is Nori okay?” She asked. She looked at my face. “What the fuck Narkim?!” She asked. “I got beat up by some nigga trying to do a deal, I’m good though, and we don’t know about Nori”. We walked back to the waiting room. “I’m looking for my daughter Norielle Simone Richards, she’s 20 years old, I’m her mother Sharice Richards” We all looked at each other. My mom had walked in with Nylah and Damien. “Man, who called?” I asked. Vada pointed at Damien. “D probably did” Janessa shook her head. Mama had seen us all and rushed over to us, “What happened is she okay?” She asked looking at MJ and Vada. She looked over at me and gasped. “Was it an accident, Narkim what happened?” She asked. I looked at Denisha. “I um got to a fight with some dude at the club” She shook her head. “If it’s one twin then it’s another” The doctor came out. “Okay Richards family?” She asked. My mom waved her hand. “Okay so Norielle is up, she’s just a little light headed. It seems to me she had an anxiety attack and passed out due to the attack, she is okay and so is the baby. I just ask that we keep her from stress being that she does have a little high blood pressure” The doctor said smiling. Mama shook her head. “Okay run that by me again you said the baby is okay?” She asked. I shook my head. “Yes, the baby is fine, and moving around he seems to be an energetic little fella especially due to the circumstance, you guys can now see her” She said before walking away. Mama turned and looked at us. “Yall knew?” She asked. “Mama I just found out like you” Damien said. She shook her head. “I’m talking to your older siblings”. We all nodded. “She didn’t want to tell you yet” Janessa said. “I need to sit this one down, I will see yall back out the house I can’t see her right now” Mama walked out. I was nervous to walk in the room. “Come on yall” Vada said. I sighed. “I’ll be out here” Nisha told me. When we walked in Nori was eating Doritos and drinking cranberry juice. “Nor, Nor” Vada said hugging her. She smiled as she hugged MJ, and Janessa, Damien and Nylah. She looked at me and shook her head. “I want you out! Get him out!” She yelled. MJ sighed. “Come on man. Doc said no stress”. “Norielle man I’m sorry” I said as MJ was lightly pushing me towards the door. I sucked my teeth and threw myself into the seat. “What happened?” Nisha asked. “Nori don’t want to see me” I said pouting. This is what I feared, losing my sister.

 Nori:

I was relieved to know my baby was okay, but I was scared as fuck to know I had passed out after having a bad anxiety attack. I was pissed at my twin for setting up Andre’ like that. He was in there doing time for nothing. While my brother was out here still doing nothing with his life but being a dope boy. Fuck him I don’t want to talk to him ever. He the reason I’m doing this shit alone. “Nori man how come you aint tell us we were having a nephew!” Damien said rubbing on my stomach. I felt happy to have my bump out and not hiding it anymore. “You’re going to freak but Mama Richards knows now” Nylah told me. I sighed. “I mean, She was going to find out eventually” I said calm. The doctor told me to stay calm. “When can you leave?” MJ asked. “Now” I told them. “Alright then chipmunk get dressed so we can go, its 5:13 in the morning we are tired” Vada said. I got dressed and checked out.

 When we got home, everybody went to their rooms. Nylah slept in Vada’s room since she was back in the guest house. I was hoping Narkim was smart and went to Denisha’s. When I walked into my room my mom was sitting on my bed drinking wine, at fucking 6 in the morning. “You know when I was pregnant with you guys, I almost lost you both due to high risk, the doctor said you were guys were supposed to not make it but you did and I knew you were destined to be something great. I didn’t expect you to end up pregnant” She said looking at me. I shrugged. “Well I didn’t either, but it happened, I can’t undo it but I can make the best of it” I told her. She just stared at me. “Was this a one-night stand, did the father bail, where is he, please don’t tell me you don’t know who he is?” She asked. “The baby’s father and I are together, he is away right now” I told her. She nodded. “So, he is visiting family?” She asked. I nodded slowly. I couldn’t tell her he was in jail. “What does he do, is he in school?” She asked. “Yes, his name is Andre’ Dobbs, his dad owns a small restaurant chain in Savannah, his parents also do ministry work and he is an honor student” I told her. She laughed chugging her wine. “Ministry work, do they know their son fucked my daughter and got her pregnant?” I nodded although I was unsure. “They are thrilled” I said. She shrugged. “Well, I hope you have a plan because I’m not taking care of that baby and honey when your father finds out, you’re going to have an ear full” She told me. “I’m going to school and I’m going to work and take care of my son with his father, I won’t need help” I said sternly. She nodded. “You don’t have a car Norielle or a pot to piss in but this house, you live in a dorm on campus once that baby is here you can’t raise him in the dorm room and have your roommate watch him before your classes” She told me. “Mommy I got this please don’t stress me out” I told her. “Hey, I’m, being realistic, I knew my fish dreams were real” She said before leaving out. I laid on my bed and rubbed my stomach. “Don’t worry baby, we won’t be struggling hopefully daddy gets out in time” I said. My door opened again revealing Grandma Rudy. “Nori” She walked in. “You okay?” She asked. I nodded. “Your mama called and told me what happened” She said. My mom walked back into the room. “You knew too?” She asked. Grandma Rudy nodded. “Mama you could have told me!” She yelled. Grandma Rudy put her hands on her hip. “I don’t have to tell you shit If I don’t want to, and this is why, you drunk again hollering go to bed Rice” She said before walking out. I laid back down and heard them arguing in the hall way. I was now wondering what Daddy was going to say.

Janessa: (5 days before Christmas)

It had been 2days since Norielle went to the hospital the house has been chill, no drama, Narkim been I’m guessing with his girlfriend. Nylah and Nori been spending time together. I’m assuming Damien and Nylah aren’t getting along. Which is awkward since it’s been so calm, but it’s always calm before the storm. I was making lunch for Chase, while Dylan was upstairs sleep. Since our last Dinner our mother had been at Stephans for a little while she had planned on coming back tonight since all the drama had ceased. “Paw Patrol!” Chase yelled. I turned on Paw Patrol on his tablet, I started cleaning up the dishes the house had been a mess since mama was gone. I heard a knock at the door. “Chase Mommy will be right back” I told him. He looked at me and smiled eating his grapes. I wiped off my hands and I opened the door. My heart dropped. “Hey Ness” Omari said. He had two roses. “I got one for you and Vi” He told me. “What the fuck? Why are you here?” Vada asked appearing beside me. He gave her a rose and handed me one. She grabbed her rose and threw it. I simply shook my head rejecting it. “She asked you a question?” I said folding my arms with the drying towel still in my hand. “It’s snowing out here can I come inside?” He asked. “Uh no you can freeze to death” Vada said. He pleaded with her through pleading eyes. “Vi” I said. She moved out the way. Omari walked in and closed the door. “Look I wanted to apologize to you both for putting you guys against each other and cheating on you Vada and taking things further with you Ness” He said. I shook my head. “Janessa” I said sucking my teeth at him. “You’re an asshole for telling her and second you made me seem like a hoe when you were the one  pressuring me to drink and fuck you that night when I was only 16, then you got me hooked on your pills after you got injured and couldn’t play football so you got addicted to pain pills and you knew I was depressed for getting an abortion after you tried to guilt trip me into keeping a baby I didn’t want in the first place!” I yelled. Vada folded her arms and shook her head at him. “Omari you need to go” She said. “Vi, you really going to listen to your hoe of a sister that split us up from the beginning?” He said. “Excuse me?!” I yelled. He looked at me and pulled out his phone. “I have old photos of you, and old videos of your pill popping druggie ass, All I wanted was Vada, so I settled for her dumb ass sister” He said. I was about to hit the fuck out of him. When I felt a force move me and punch him in his face. “Come at my wife again, and we going to have a problem for real” Dylan said. Omari laughed. “What you going to do white boy?” He asked him. Dylan walked up to him. Vada opened the door. “You really need to go and please for the love of God don’t come back don’t hit me up, you are already blocked” She said. “Vada look I’m a little drunk, I’m sorry”. He wasn’t trying to leave. “Ayo, this that Omari cat” Michael said coming down the steps. “Yeah it’s me” MJ nodded and pulled out his gun. “Come near my sisters, my family anybody again, I will put a bullet in your dick” He said. Omari hurried up and ran out the door. I looked at MJ shocked. “Malcom what the fuck!” Vada said. He smiled and shrugged. “I told you I was tired of him” he said before walking back upstairs. “Mommy!” Chase yelled. I quickly went into the dining room. “What’s wrong baby?” I asked. He pointed to the ground. His grapes had fell. I laughed and kissed his head. “Okay I will get you some more” Dylan walked in holding his hand. “Baby I need ice” He said. I kissed his knuckles. “You need more than that, that was sexy” I said to him. He smirked. “Nobody disrespects my wife” He told me.

 Damien:

 Nylah hasn’t looked at me, spoken to me. Respond to my texts in 2 days. Narkim aint been around to talk to. I’m positive Nylah has me blocked. Kristen still blowing me up after I aint talked to her since that night. I’m conflicted but then I’m not because I just want to cut this shit off have my best friend back. I was eating spaghetti mama made for lunch at the table by myself, Nylah came down to get some chips or something. She had knocked all the water bottles out the fridge. I got up from the table to help. She looked at me and shook her head. “I’m find Damien please leave me alone” She said sternly. “I’m just trying to help” I said grabbing a water bottle. “Well I don’t want or need your help” She said snatching the water bottle from me and leaving. I sighed. “It shouldn’t be this complicated” I said to myself. Kristen started calling my phone. I sighed. “Yerrrr” I said. She paused for a minute. “Excuse me! You haven’t answered your phone in 2 days sir, what’s going on?” She asked. I got up and took the call outside. “Look I’m not your man! I don’t have to talk to you! Please stop blowing my shit up! Damn!” I snapped. She started laughing. “So childish, your father doesn’t act like this” She said. “Bitch go fuck his old ass then, you’re talking to a child what do you expect” I said annoyed. “Bitch? You will not call me a- “I hung up the phone and went back into the house. She kept blowing up my phone. I put the spaghetti away. “Yo Mama?” I said. She was decorating the house with lights. “I’m bout to go for a drive I’ll be back”. I got in my car and drove to the park to play basketball. It was a little snow outside by I just needed my mind clear. I was playing for about an hour. “Damien?” I looked up to see Narkim. “One on One?” I asked. He shrugged. He still had a bruise under his left eye and band aid above his eyebrow. “What homie look like?” I asked. He looked at me funny. “The nigga that you fought” He laughed. “Ummm homie in crutches” He said. I laughed. “My nigga” I said. He started bouncing the ball and took off on my ass. We both played for our basketball team, well I currently play on the team while he played when He was in school. “How you and La?” He asked. Shooting his shot. “We not talking, she found out about the teacher” I told him. He stopped and looked at me. “What you going to do?” He asked. I shrugged. “Ima cut that bitch off simple” I said. “And then what?” He asked. “Get La-La back” I said. He nodded. “That’s my little brother” He said dapping me up. “How’s Nori?” he asked. I shrugged. “I don’t know she been chill her and Nylah been kicking it you know laughing and shit” I said. He slowly nodded his head. “I hate when we all aint getting along you know, we family we should be tight, but you know shit happens” He told me. “I don’t know what yall got going on, but it’s always been us 3 when the rents were gone or when everybody else moved out and we always been close so I’m sure shit will get better hopefully between mama and daddy” I said. He sighed. “Keep dreaming with that one kid, but aye I’m catch you later tonight maybe” He said before driving off. I bounced the ball a little bit before deciding to drive to Kristen’s spot.

 When I pulled up at her spot, I knocked on the door. She quickly opened the door and closed it. She shook her head. “Your dad is here” She whispered. I shrugged. “Good for you, I’m done with this shit don’t call me don’t show up at my house unannounced leave me alone” I said to her. She bit on her lip. “Why? Huh before you didn’t want to stop now why?” She asked. “Because Nylah found out and I care more about her then I do you, I’m sorry Ms. Madison” She laughed lowly. “That little bitch, she’s not even women enough for you” She said smirking. I smiled at her. “Call her a bitch again and I’m tell the whole world about us” I told her. She shook her head. “I can fail you out of my class and you won’t graduate or play ball again” She said. I looked at her. “You try to manipulate me to many times, now all I have to do is tell your father and everyone else that you been coming on to me harassing me, I have all those messages we used to have from each other” She told me. I shook my head. “I’m 17 and you psycho over some under age dick” I said before leaving. She got me fucked up.

MJ:

 Shit has been chill since we found out Nori was pregnant. Mama been quiet, we know she’s pissed. Nori and she haven’t really spoken. Nylah and Damien aint been talking. I don’t know what’s up with that. Narkim been distant. I don’t blame him, Nori is really hurt by his actions. My life been ok for these past 2 days. Gia and I been texting on and off like I said. I’m just chilling. I was sitting on the couch with Chase and Nori, and Nylah watching Zootopia. I don’t why they got me watching this shit, but it makes me really miss my kids. “Ding, Dong” The doorbell rang. “I got it” I told them. They were glued to the phones while Chase was watching in his little chair amazed at the movie. I got up and opened the door. I see it was Danielle. “Hey” I said. She smiled lightly. “Um I just wanted to stop by to check on Norielle. I had called your phone the other day but you didn’t answer so I called the house to let you know I was coming back on Christmas eve but your Grandma picked up and kind of yelled at me for not bringing the kids to see her and for not coming to check on Nori, so I’m here” She said. I nodded. I moved to the side to let her come in. “Norielle, Danielle here to see you” I said. She came in to the hall near the door. I swear as soon as we found out Nori was pregnant it’s like her baby bump grew or she just stopped hiding it. “Oh my Gosh, your pregnant?!” Danielle said in excitement. Nori smiled and nodded. “Yeah, been keeping a secret for a little minute, I’m having a boy” She said. Danielle lightly rubbed her stomach. “I’m glad you’re okay, congratulations honey, I will bring Chris and Lei over on Christmas eve”. Norielle nodded. “Okay cool they can meet Janessa son Chase, their cousin” She told her. Danielle looked at me. I shrugged. “Hey what’s my family without secrets” I told her. “Malcom can we talk upstairs” She asked me. I nodded and followed her upstairs. She sat on the bed in her big coat she had on. “I wanted to see you honestly, I had been missing you a lot and shit hasn’t been good between us and I don’t want us to get a divorce but at least try counseling this time and work on us, take time away from my job the kids just us” She said. I looked at her. “I mean, yeah that’s cool. I wouldn’t mind that, I mean I’m happy we can work on shit” I told her. She smiled. “Me too” She got up and kissed me. We started making out, it had been a minute since I see her. I can’t lie I missed my wife.

 “Ima come back with the kids before Christmas eve” Danielle said pulling up her leggings. “Come back tonight” I said grabbing her hand. She blushed. “Ima try” She told me. I got dressed and walked with her downstairs it was around 7:43pm. “I love you” I told her kissing her. “I love you” She smiled before leaving. I went into the kitchen to warm up the food mom made, and probably watch a movie on Netflix. I grabbed my food and brought it into the living room. Nylah was in the dining room with Vada. Nessa and Dylan were bringing up the stuff for the tree. “You know yall got to go get the tree tomorrow” Janessa said. I nodded. “Yeah, I know” I said to her. “I heard you and Danielle” Damien said making a face. I rolled eyes. “Shut up lil nigga” I told him smiling. “Yall made up, yall good?” Nessa asked. Mama came downstairs and grabbed my food. “You know you eat in the dining room MJ” She said. I rolled my eyes. “Aight mama” I told her. “When is Dani bringing my babies?” She asked. I got up from the couch. “Soon Ma, soon” I was walking to the dining room when the doorbell rang again, followed by a knock. “Who is it?” I asked. I opened the door to see some tall young guy. He had on a long coat with some skinny jeans and vans and his hands were in his pocket. He was like a rich kid. “Yo can I help you?” I asked. He nodded. “Hi, how you doing I’m looking for Norielle Richards, is the right address?” He asked. I just looked at him. “Im here big brother Malcom, who are you?” I asked wanting to know what this nigga wanted with my sister. “Im her boyfriend my name is Andre’ Dobbs”

[didiletyouknooow]

43. If You Want Me To Stay

Hey!

First of all I want to thank you for your feedback to my last chapter! I was sooooo happy and pleased to see that you liked it. It wasn’t easy to write and it took me some time. It continues a little bit emotional with Josh & Eileen. I hope I don’t disappoint you! Have a nice weekend! I hope that my favorite football team wins the cup today in the finals ;) ___________

 “I can’t believe you’re pregnant” Lara said into her Skype camera. “Neither do I” “I mean….last year on New Years Eve we were making fun of all the people who got their shit together and started to live a grown up life and now you’re having a baby!” “It wasn’t planned!” “Yes but it happened. And Josh and you are both old enough to raise a family” “Sure but….we never planned it, we never really talked about it” “But now that it happened you will do your best to raise beautiful little children” Lara grinned. “Hey Lara, it’s only one child, okay? It’s not like we’re having a football team” “Well, who knows” “Uff…..it’s so strange for me. I don’t really feel pregnant at all. The morning sickness went away, I don’t have a baby bump yet. I feel like I could do anything in the world I want to. But at the same time I’m feeling so fucking tired” “See…that’s the pregnancy” “Hm….maybe” “What about your parents? Did you tell them yet?” “We did. My mom freaked out and started crying and my dad was happy too”

Josh and I drove to my parents to have dinner with them. My dad made barbecue and my mom prepared too much salad – like always – for only four people. Every one of us could have their own salad. But anyway….after one hour Josh and I couldn’t keep silent about it and told them. The barbecue was put on the side line and we only talked about the baby and the pregnancy. Sure my mom gave me tips and offered me her help but when I came home that night I only wanted to sleep. I was so fucking tired. I’m tired every day.

We also told Josh’s parents two days later. He already told Olivia but she kept it a secret until we were all sitting in the Klinghoffer’s garden in Northridge to drop the bombshell. It wouldn’t be the first grandchild for his parents but they still reacted very emotional. Olivia’s son José was a few months old. Josh’s mom was wrapped up in her new role as a grandma. You could see that it made her very happy being a grandma. They also offered us to take care of our child when it’s born. Especially when Josh would be on the road and I would be alone at home. Wow, I still couldn’t imagine us being parents.

 “So your parents are happy that her youngest daughter finally got her shit together as well. Just like her older brother?” Lara asked me. “Yeah, I think we Puritz-Kids like it spontaneous. Suddenly my brother was a dad of a 1.5 year old boy. Now they have two kids and are happy. And now I’m pregnant without planning anything. It’s crazy” “But you’re happy and excited, aren’t you?” “Yes….kind of” “Hm….doesn’t sound convincing” “You know…it’s a new situation for Josh and me. He is leaving in a few weeks and although he’s coming back every few weeks he will spend most of his summer in Europe. I would lie if I would say, I’m totally okay with it” “Yes, I can totally understand it. You’re afraid of what will come over you. Especially when Josh is away on tour. But you know, it’s his job. You can’t change his life. He will keep touring until he’s grey and old I guess. At least that’s how I get the measure of him. He’s a 100% musician.” “I know….and I love what he does and how he does it. He’s so passionate about it. Right now he’s so excited for the new Chili Peppers record to be released but…” ”By the way, what’s the record called?” “The Getaway. He only showed me three songs, they are about to release soon” “Okay….I’m excited. You know, if they come to Berlin you have to get me tickets!” Lara reminded me. “Yes, for sure” I laughed. “Great” “Back to the topic….Josh will be away on tour for the rest of the year and then the following year. It’s not going to be easy but I will do my best” “But I bet he’s excited and afraid as well” “He is!” I started laughing. “He’s reading all these guides about parenting and all this stuff. It’s crazy. It’s like he knows more about pregnancy and birth than me!” “See….that’s cute!” Lara smiled. “Woahhh, you know I always thought that if two people are having a baby together, it’s serious. It’s something totally serious because in a way they are always connected to each other. Even if they break up, there is always the child they have together.” I told her. “You know, relationships can fail, you break up and everyone goes their own path. Sometimes one has to move out of the shared home but then you’re free again. But if you have a baby, you will always be connected. No matter if it’s positive or negative. That’s what scares me” “But you two are in love and you want to live together, don’t you?” “Yes…” ”And don’t you wanna share your life with him?” “At least….I hope I do” “See….it will be good in the end. I know it” Lara told me with a smile in her face. “I bet Josh will be a great father even though he’s away on the road very often. He will find the time to see his little family and will catch every flight back home to LA to support you and to be with you” 

I hoped that Lara was right. Right now I was sure that Josh would exactly be like that - a good father. Although I couldn’t really imagine him with a baby in his hands, I was sure he would take care of it very well. But what scared me the most was his absence the whole time when the Chilis would hit the road for a long world tour. I hated it and I wished he would quit. But I never told him. I would NEVER EVER tell him to quit because he loved it so much. Music and playing with the Chilis made him so happy, I couldn’t imagine him doing anything else right now although sometimes he was a bit disappointed after coming home from the recording sessions for The Getaway. But I think after all he was happy with the new record they just made and so was I.

 April

Josh and I had two weeks left until he would leave for a few shows in New Orleans and finally in LA. Sure I would be at their show in LA. It was a charity event Will Ferrell and Chad Smith organized.

So today I was busy leaving him after breakfast because I had a date with Molly. She wanted to look for a wedding dress. It was already 1.5 years ago that Eric proposed to her and they decided to marry this summer. They wanted to do it last year but then Eric’s father got sick so they decided to wait until he would feel better and since they wanted to marry in the summer they finally saved a date in August. Josh and I would be there too and I was so excited. It would be the first wedding I would attend together with a serious boyfriend as date. “Where are you going?” Josh wanted to know when I took on my jacket. “Meeting with Molly. You know, looking for a wedding dress for her” “Oh right….” He seemed to remember. “But don’t drink champagne” he grinned. I rolled my eyes. “Josh, guess what? I’m a grown up! I can take care of myself” “But you’re not alone anymore” “And you think I forgot it? That there is a little cell cluster growing in my bump?” “No but…whatever” he said. I think he noticed that he already pissed me off with his overprotecting behavior towards me. “I’m pregnant but not sick, okay?” I let him know. “Yes I know” he sighed. “I won’t drink any alcohol in the next year. I promise” “Good…” he gave me my bag. “But please, take care of you, okay?” he said giving me a kiss on the bow. “I will take care” I sighed. “I mean, with the traffic and so….you know, LA is very hectic” “Yes and I’m driving here for almost 14 years now so….I don’t know what’s your problem. I’m a good driver” “I know” he grinned. “I’m just so anxious about you and the baby.” “And that’s cute. But Josh, I should live my life just like I did before the pregnancy, right? Being too overprotecting isn’t good” “You’re right” he agreed with me. I opened the door and waved him until I went to my car.

I loved driving through the streets of El Sereno. I could really get used to living here. Josh asked me to move in with him two weeks ago. Only one week after I told him about the pregnancy. He really did think about the whole situation and I found it cute that he asked me. I agreed but since I have to pay my rent for my apartment until summer I decided to keep my own flat until then. So I would have some save haven when he would be on tour.

Although I loved living in his beautiful house I sometimes was scared because of its size. My whole life I was a bit afraid of burglar so being alone in his house made me freak out sometimes.

Molly was already standing in front of the first boutique. I parked the car and went to hug her. “You’re smelling very fresh” “Thanks. I think it’s the pregnancy” I joked. “Probably” We entered the boutique and one of the assistants welcomed us. She asked what we were looking for and started her consulting. Molly told her exactly what she was looking for and after a few minutes she disappeared in one of the fitting rooms to try the first dresses. Meanwhile I was sitting there, waiting for her to come out and present her dresses to me. But none of them were right. She wanted something classic but also a little bit exclusive.

After four boutiques we finally drove to Hollywood. Molly heard about an insider boutique here. I wondered how it could be an insider if it was in Hollywood? But I let myself be surprised.

So after a long hour of driving to Hollywood we finally arrived at a very beautiful boutique near Santa Monica Boulevard. When we first entered it Molly fell in love with the whole boutique. It was very tiny and vintage and totally beautiful. And so were the dresses. Molly tried on three dresses. The assistant asked us if we want some champagne but we denied. “We have to drive home safety plus, my date here is pregnant so no alc for her” Molly told the assistant. “Oh great! When will the baby be born?” the blonde woman in her 50s asked me. “Uhm, at the end of November probably” “A November baby. Great! My two daughters are November babies” she smiled all over her face. Wow, motherhood must make you very happy I thought. When the assistant was needed at the checkout Molly started talking to me. “So is it confirmed yet? November?” “Yes, Josh and I saw a doctor last week and she told us that it will be born at the 27th November” “Wow….and is he home at that time?” “Hopefully he is. They will come back home from Vienna at 22nd November” “See, that’s the perfect planning, don’t you think?” “It is….sure” I said a bit lost in thoughts. “But?” “What do you mean?” “Well Eileen, I know you and the whole time when we were talking about the baby or the pregnancy you didn’t seem to be 100% happy. Am I right?” Hm, if I was honest, she was right. “Kind of” “But why? What’s wrong?” now she left her fitting room to show me the first of three dresses. But it was a bit too long. So she stayed there, only talking to me instead of looking at herself in the mirror. “Why are you so dismissive when talking about the baby?” “I don’t know” I sighed. “I think I’m just very stressed out by the whole situation. Plus, Josh bothers me with his overprotecting behavior” “Really? What does he do?” “He’s always telling me what I have to eat and what not. And when I leave home alone he always says I should take care of me and not drive the traffic Highways. He’s treating me like I’m sick but I’m just pregnant. I have the feeling he doesn’t know the difference” “Ohhhh, I’m sorry to hear that sweetie” she chuckled. “But I think he only wants to protect you. He’s so happy about the pregnancy. He recently told Eric and he couldn’t find words to describe it. He said he has already wrote a few lyrics down about this feeling he has right now” “I know he’s just too cute but….I’m so annoyed by him and his behavior. But I don’t wanna tell him. I mean, I don’t wanna hurt him.” “Maybe it’s just his way to show you how much he loves you and how happy he is” “Probably….” I sighed and sat down at the white leather chair. How beautiful it was. “But you’re worrying about some more things, aren’t you?” Molly kept asking while trying the second dress. 

I thought about her question, the same question Lara recently asked me. “I do” I answered.   “But why?” she asked from her fitting room. “Because he will be on the road soon and I’m here alone. He won’t be by my side while I’m pregnant because most of the time he will be on the road in Europe” “But he will be home when the baby is coming” Molly reminded me. “Well, I hope so!” “See, at least that’s a good thing….” ”But what’s next then? He will leave for another Europe leg. After the holidays they will tour the States for six months. Six fucking months!” “I thought they come home every two weeks?” “Sure, they do. But you know how fast these two weeks or ten days of tour break are over? Most of the time I’m home alone with a new born baby. Great. That’s how you raise a child” “Did you talk with him about it?” “Not yet….I don’t wanna hurt him” “But Eileen, it’s an important issue you both should talk about. Maybe he doesn’t know that you have some problems with him being on the road for so long” “What should he do then? Staying home? Looking for a new guitarist who can play for him at that time?” “No but….sorry I don’t have any advice” “See, that’s the problem. I can’t tell him that it’s his job that bothers me. I mean, if he would be a teacher I couldn’t say he should stop teaching because he’s at school too often” “I see the problem but I think you can’t change it. It’s his life. He’s a musician” “Yeah, I know. Why did I have to fall in love with one?” “Well, you don’t choose who you fall in love with” “I know” I sighed.

“At least you got pregnant. Some couples try it for a very long time but it doesn’t happen” “Hm…what do you mean?” I asked her. I had the feeling she wanted to tell me something with her cryptic words. “I never told you but Eric and I tried it the last year. It didn’t happen.” “And why did you stop?” “Because he will be on tour this year” “See….the same problem. But you’re not pregnant yet so you can decide when to try it again. But in our case, for Josh and me, we can’t decide anymore. We have to deal with the situation” “Yes but Eileen, look, a baby is a wonderful gift. And the destiny chose you to have one this year. No matter how far away Josh will be or how rarely you will see each other, you two will make it. I know it. You are strong enough to withstand this tour and then you can be happy with your baby boy or girl” Hm, maybe Molly was right.

She tried on the third dress and immediately fell in love with it. Molly looked so stunning! The dress was just perfect for her. It wasn’t complete white, it was a creme-white. She just looked so beautiful I couldn’t find words. I was convinced that Molly would be the most gorgeous bride I’ve ever seen. Eric was such a lucky guy to have a wife like her by his side. And while she would rock this dress perfectly on her wedding day, I would standing by her side as a bridesmaid with a giant baby bump. That’s life.  We bought the dress and afterwards had some pizza at the Sunset Strip. Sometimes I really liked Hollywood.

On our last day before Josh’s first short tour leg to a jazz festival in New Orleans and some following press days we drove to Santa Monica.

We were walking hand in hand and enjoyed the sun – at least I enjoyed the sun. It was the end of April so the sun was back again and it was already very hot. I loved LA for this weather. When I was in Berlin I missed the heat and the sun a little bit – although the summer in Berlin was also great but it was different. Nothing compared to California!

I was feeling very happy and grateful to be a California kid. I loved my hometown although there were times in my life when it pissed me off. But for many people LA is a something like a dream. They come here for a holiday and don’t wanna leave but they have to. But I could stay here my whole life. I could watch the sunset at Venice my whole life. I could walk on the Santa Monica Pier my whole life. I could drive through the traffic on the highways my whole life. I could drive through the Hollywood Hills my whole life. I could have breakfast in my favorite café in Echo Park my whole life. I could visit the Echo Park Lake my whole life. I could have a beautiful view at the city at the Griffith Observatory my whole life. I could live in El Sereno my whole life. With this special person.

I was so happy finally living with Josh. The first days were totally normal because I often stayed at his house for a whole weekend or so but after one week it got a little bit awkward because we finally got to know some negative sides of each other while sharing a home. So I offered him my apartment if he would need some time for himself as well. But I think he was totally happy with going into his music room and playing some music to relax. That’s just how he was. And I loved it.

The new Chili Peppers record would be released in two months but Josh already gave it to me and I listened to it on my way to a date with some coworkers in Venice the other day. I loved it! It’s sounding so great. I already had some favorites. I think “This Ticonderoga” just flashed me while listening to it for the first time. Same with “Goodbye Angels”.

Josh told me that most of the lyrics are about Anthony’s ex girlfriend, a young model. I was still wondering how a man in his 50s can fall for a 19 year old girl but I think I should be more open to an age difference like that. I mean, if you’re in love, you’re in love, right? Maybe I reacted to harsh when I heard that Josh was dating Chloe, who was only 22. I mean, I was in love as a teenager with musicians who were 20 years older than me so I should shut up, right? There was another thing about the record that made him happy. Elton John played piano at one of their songs and every time Josh was talking about it he was smiling like a little child on Christmas day. I remembered that two years ago, after our break up, I wrote in the letter I sent him, that maybe one day his dream will come true and he will making music together with Elton John. Well, now it came true. And “Sick Love” is one of the best songs on the album.

So after watching the sunset in Santa Monica we finally drove home. I already counted the hours until Josh would leave. Only 11 hours to go until he would leave home to fly over to New Orleans. Maybe it was because of the hormones but I noticed that I started being worried about the flights he was about to take in the next months. I hate flying so I was always a little bit worried when a loved one was on a plane. “I don’t want you to leave” I said while we were driving on the Highway. “Neither do I want to leave you two” I chuckled when he said these words. “But I have to” he sighed. “But this time it’s only a few days. I’ll be home at the 29th April. It’s only 6 days.” “I know but it already feels like it’s an eternity” I moaned. “I’m so sorry” “If it would only be a few weeks. But in June you’re leaving for a very long tour….” “But I will be home every two or three weeks” he reminded me. “The Chilis have a very family friendly tour schedule” “Yes but….it’s not the same. Our time together won’t be the same like before.” “Why? I mean, we only have to do the best of our time together. That’s all” “Yes, I know….and I guess you’re already used to the situation with being on the road and having a relationship” “I’m not really used to it” he told me. “I always hate being away but it’s my job. It makes me happy at the same time although I will miss you and the baby and my family and friends…” ”The baby isn’t born yet” I laughed. “I know. But I already miss it. I miss touching your little baby bump every morning” “There is no real baby bump yet” “Oh I can see one” Josh grinned. Josh parked his car and we went into his house.

“Well….but it will be hard for me to be pregnant when you’re not around” “But you can’t stop the pregnancy when I’m away just to turn it on again when I’m around” Josh joked. “I know…” I sighed. “I wish I could” I laughed and he pulled me to the sofa. “I don’t wanna leave you but I have to. And it’s only this tour….I mean, I will be home in August for more than three weeks. We then have nearly a three week break at the end of the year. Same in April next year. Then we will have the whole August off next year” “It shocks me that your life for the next 1.5 years is already planned” “Well, I like it. So I can tell you when I’m home and what we could do. I can also plan some music recordings with other musicians” “I know” “So for me it’s good and I would freak out if I wouldn’t know my schedule for the next year” “I know” I repeated myself and ruffled through his hair while sitting on his lap. I couldn’t tell him to stay home. I just couldn’t. I didn’t have any right to do it. “Anything wrong?” Josh asked me and looked into my eyes. I looked back in his brown eyes and I realized that no matter what will happen, no matter how many kilometers will part us, we can make it. I believed in us.

Later that night we were laying in his bed – or should I call it our bed? Josh was reading some pregnancy guide again and I was just checking some mails. Finally he put the book away and started stroking my belly again. “I’m so happy and so proud and so grateful and so looking forward to meeting this little thing in your belly” “You’re proud? Why? Of your sperms?” I joked. “No” he said irritated. “Well, maybe I should” Josh grinned. “It still takes two human beings to create a new human being” I let him know. “I know. And I’m so excited if the baby will just be like its mother?” “Do you think it will be a boy or a girl?” “I hope for a girl!” “Really? Why?” “Because I like the idea of having a girl. I could show her how to play the piano, guitar, maybe drums if she wants to. I could be the cool dad, you know.” “And if she’s a teenager all of her girlfriends fall in love with you because you’re still looking like 35” I laughed. “No….I hope not” Josh said a bit shy. “I want to have a boy” I told him. “Why a boy?” he asked me. “Because I always liked the idea of having a boy. I don’t know why. I always saw myself with a boy” “Okay, I could teach him as well if he wants to learn some instrument” “What if not?” “Well I think our child would have a very hard life if it’s not interested in music. I mean, look at us. We’re both very crazy about music” Josh laughed. “You’re right….but you’re the musician, the rockstar” “Oh don’t call me rockstar” “So how should I call you then? Flying in private jets to concerts, playing sold out shows with more than 20k people?” “Hm….call me musician because that’s what I am” he smiled at me. “Okay, I will keep that in mind”

“How would you name a girl?” I asked into the silence between us. “Hm….I always liked Emma or Sophie” Josh said after thinking for a few moments. “I’m totally into Scandinavian names” “Okay, I like Emily” “See….it’s a bit like Emma” “Definitely. And if it’s a boy I would name him Phil” “Phil? Naaaaa, I would name him Mathew or Marcus” “Whaaat? Why?” “Because I like the names. Maybe Dave” “Oh no….hm” “Well, we have still some time to decide” Josh smiled at me and gave me a kiss. We both fell asleep, his head on my shoulder, his arm still covering my belly.

The next morning was very hard. I didn’t want it to come but time can’t be stopped, right? So we breakfasted together and afterwards Josh took his bags and jacket. I was standing in the doorway while he was looking into my eyes, giving me on of the many last kisses. “I’ll be home in 6 days and after the LA concert we have some more weeks until I would leave for Europe. Always stay positive” he smiled. “I try to!” “See, six days will be over very fast” “I hope so….at least it’s not six weeks!” I grinned ironically. “Well, have a good time” I said before standing on tiptoes to kiss him again. “Oh and if you like to, you can take my car for driving. I know I have to rotate the tires, at least the system in my car told me to. But I think I can do it when I’m back home next week” “Yes, thanks. I will take it” I said. I knew he wanted me to drive his car because it was safer than my old car. “So goodbye my love” he finally said before walking down the driveway to the streets where a driver was already waiting for him. I waved him goodbye and finally went back inside.

 The following day Josh called me after their concert in New  Orleans. He said it was great because he met some great musicians there. All in all the Chilis had a good time at the Jazz Fest and they would fly over to San  Francisco for a special show they would play in two days. It was a secret gig. No one knew about it yet. It would be announced tomorrow morning and fans could only win tickets for the show.

So I spend the rest of the evening with watching “The Perks Of Being A Californian”. Yes, I was still liking the show although my boyfriend’s ex was part of it. I just loved the storyline. I already convinced Molly to start watching it and Lara was still a fan of it so sometimes we exchanged our views about the new episodes.   Chloe was still part of the show. There were already four seasons and the fifth was about to come. I didn’t really stalk Chloe after I got back together with Josh. I only know that some day she stopped posting pictures that were related to Josh. I think she finally realized that it was over. After one year. We didn’t even talk much about her. The only thing he told me was that she texted him to inform him about the new seasons and invite him to the premiere. That’s all. Since Josh never really watched the show he wasn’t interested at all. He didn’t care about the show and how many seasons it had.

The next morning I was driving to school, having a short day. I only had to teach four classes and then I had the afternoon off. I loved Tuesdays at work. Only half a day.

Because of my free time I decided to do some grocery store shopping. So I drove from Pasadena back to El Sereno. The highway was very busy and I was struck in traffic for an hour. Finally I could drive again. I loved driving in Josh’s car. It was very big but also very modern. Totally different way of driving compared to my small car. Some day I will buy myself a SUV I thought.

When I almost had reached the grocery store I noticed that something was wrong with one of the back tires. I heard a loud noise. Like a bang. And I couldn’t steer the car easily anymore. So I knew there was something wrong with the back tire. I tried to change the lanes and finally wanted to pull over.

I was right before a light when I saw another car in the rear view mirror coming closer. I had the feeling this car wouldn’t stop. But right before I could do anything I only heard a loud bang and my head was pushed against the steering wheel…. ____________

#rhcp #rhcp fanfiction #josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #red hot chili peppers #red hot chili peppers fanfiction #fanfiction #dothacker

[ralphmorgan-blog1]

17 True Scary Stories That Will Ruin Your Night

Favi Santos

“I’m not your dad

“A girl I used to know told me a story that her ex husband used to wake up in the middle of the night because someone was tickling his feet. She told him her dad used to tickle her and her sisters feet to wake them up for school in the morning. So when weird things started happening around the house they would just say “knock it off dad” and it would stop. Well one day something happened in the kitchen (I don’t remember what) and she said “knock it off dad” and as she was walking out the door something growled in her ear “I’m not your dad”. They moved out a few weeks later.”

The man with the mustache

“When my son was about 3 he had a tent canopy attached to his bed frame. It covered about 3/4 of the length of his bed. He would always scoot towards the head of the bed and insisted covering up head to toe with his blanket, no matter how warm it was. I couldn’t turn off the lights until he was finished. I figured it was normal kid stuff. One night, just out of curiosity, I asked why he covered up so thoroughly. His response, “Because the man with the mustache won’t stop touching me. He’s always trying to tickle me. If I’m covered and way up here, he can’t reach me”. No one else had access to our house so needless to say, that scared the crap out of me. Till this day he still covers with his blanket, no matter how warm it is, although not as thoroughly as he used to. He doesn’t remember the man but still will not go to bed uncovered. He’s a teen now.”

Imaginary friend

“Ex-girlfriend moved into an apartment across the street from me, and told me her little brother had a new “imaginary friend” named Alex. Well I had been living in that neighborhood for about 5 years and 3 years prior to her moving in my neighbor Alex hung himself in that house.”

This is all very nope

“When I was a teenager in Colorado Springs we all used to crawl though this small tunnel that was directly under the interstate to get back and fourth from our neighborhood to the shitty trailer park with out obviously having to jump fences and run across the highway.

One drunken night alone I was on my way home about 2-3 am I came out of the tunnel only to find myself face to face with this huge rottweiler staring at me. I was in shock for a second, my stomach dropped. Instinctively I started yelling at the damn dog to go home. He just stood there glaring at me and every step I slowly took trying to get away he would bark and growl showing his teeth. So I started stomping towards him in a dominant way yelling at him to go on.

He turned and took steps back but still proceeded in torturing me barking and growling. I stupidity drunkenly started to power walk away. I then heard his feet running towards me as I had my back turned away from him. I turned back around only to see him lunging at me. I fell, when I turned and looked up the damn dog was completely out of sight as if I imagined the entire thing. To this day I don’t know if the dog was somebody’s pet or what. I didn’t hear him running away after I fell so I’ll never know I guess. Maybe he was a dark spirit.”

The thing

“When I was about 8 years old I was up in Maine at my uncle’s house with my cousin and little brother, all in the same age range. The part of Maine, Stratton, is pretty secluded about 30 minutes from Canada.

We were sleeping on sleeping bags in his living room, well all of the sudden through the window of my uncle’s door, probably about 9 feet tall, but had human like anatomy, this thing was standing hunched over looking into the house.

We all screamed and it did a non-human maneuver with it’s neck and ran behind the house. The footsteps of this thing practically shook the house. My mom and uncle come running into the living room. It’s been practically 20 years and we all still talk about it like it was yesterday.”

Spiders

“My friends father was a missionary in Africa. He was 16 and learning how to shave his face. 3 weeks went by and he woke up one morning with his throat extremely swollen. Flew him to the nearest hospital where the trauma surgeon took a scalpel…nicked my friends throat… and out spewed 100’s of tiny spiders….”

This is why I don’t work the late shift

“Was working midnights at a gas station. A couple came in trying to get behind the register. They went outside and left. I went in the bathroom and called the police. Who came as they were coming back in. They had bags, knives, a gun, rope, and various other weapons in the trunk. I don’t think they planned on me living. I was hiding in the bathroom when they were trying to come back in.”

Killer doll

“My pappy(grandfather) found a life size doll hanging by a rope around its neck, in a tree/wooded area on the way home one day. He said it looked like somebody hung it up there and was using it for shooting practice or something.

My mom was still a child so the jokester he is, brought it home for her and my Aunt. Well they actually liked the thing and cleaned it up and played with it. My grandmother says till this day the scariest things started to happen around their house.

ONE example: It was nighttime and her and my pappy were in bed sleeping. Well she said she woke up to the blanket making her feel strangled. And it was almost like someone crawled into their bed and laid in between them. She sat up, startled and that’s when their bed started to shake and dressers shaking also. But nothing on the dressers moved or fell. It got to the point she was so freaked out and fed up with all the spooky things going on in their house, she made my pappy get rid of it.

So he was good friends with the owner of a bar who was more than happy to take it off his hands. As he thought it would be a good conversational piece. Exactly one week later the man who the doll was given to died. Mind you he had perfect health.”

Final wishes

“On and episode of Beyond Belief like 7 years ago, I saw a true story about a step daughter who died She hated her step mother. And in death, they were both put in the same mausoleum. Every morning, the stone carcophagus’ were cracked and there was writing on the walls in blood begging for her to be away from the step mother even though the mausoleum was sealed every night… Still gives me chills to think about it.”

Dream boy

“This happened to me… I saw the ghost of a little boy run in front of my car and I almost crashed. That’s not the scary part tho. When I told my mom about it and where it happened, she told me of a dream she had when she was pregnant with me where she hit a little boy with her car on the same road at the same spot and when she got out to check on the boy, she said it was me.”

No curtains

“My husband and I had just moved into a new house in a new state with our then 3 year old. Naturally I needed to go food shopping for pretty much everything. It was dark by the time I arrived home and I could see, upstairs, in what is now our bedroom, (no curtains/blinds yet), what I was sure was my husband standing in the window. The light was on so it was pretty easy to see that he was standing there. I clearly needed help unloading so I went straight inside and upstairs only to find no one was up there. Came back down to find him on the other side of the house completely immersed in a video game, clearly had been there the whole time but I asked anyways and yup, hasn’t been upstairs since I left. Gave me the chills at the time, but more so after meeting our new neighbor who informed us the previous owner committed suicide inside our house. It was her (our neighbor’s) own late husband that discovered the body. Lots more stories, creepy but harmless, we still live in the house and have learned to coexist.”

Facebooking from beyond

“My friend’s friend died and a few days later the deceased was commenting on people’s fb post. People were spooked, angry, and confused. What it came down to was that it might have been something with his phone. He might have commented, loss service, passed away, phone was moved to a location with service, and then it posted. Still shocking.”

Grandma

“One night I hear my 6 yr old daughter talking to someone in her room. She was by herself. I asked her who she was talking to and she said “grandma ermmie”. Grandma Erma (only 2 people called her ermmie) died when she was 1. She never met her in person.”

Santa

“One Christmas, me and my son were at my parents house celebrating. It was getting late, i told my son, who was about five at the time, let’s get home and get you to bed before Santa goes to our house and has to leave because you’re not asleep. We get home, I’m getting our bags out of the car and my son says, mama!! Shhhh…Santa is in our house! My blood froze, our front curtains were open to show off our tree, so i asked what did you see? He said, Santa peeking at us in the window. I’m crapping my pants, i took him to my neighbors, and told them to call the cops if I’m not back in five minutes. The doors and windows were all locked and no sign of anybody in the house. I was scared all night.”

The dream

“One night I had a dream/nightmare? I was in a war. I went around the corner cause I was running from something. Came around the corner to see a gun pointed at my chest. It shot. With my left hand (this is important) I touched the wound and pulled my fingers away. There was blood on my 3 middle fingers to about the first knuckle line. I woke up in a dead sweat, calmed myself down it was only a dream, and went back to sleep. When I woke up however. I noticed there was something on my hand. My left hand. There was dried blood on my 3 middle fingers only down to the first knuckle. Of course I freaked out and immediately went to the full body mirror in the house. There wasn’t any other place that had dried blood.”

Trapped

“When I stayed at my grandparents house I was laying in bed and something came running down the hall. Everyone was asleep and the dogs were in the garage but whatever it was jumped on my bed, and since I had my head covered I never saw it, but it trapped me under my covers and I screamed and cried until I fell asleep.

I still have nightmares about it and that was close to 10+years ago.”

👻 You can read 101 of the scariest (and shortest!) true stories in our new collection, , available here. 👻

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Who was the first person you spoke to today? My mom, I think. Who was the last? Gabie, although it was through text. Have you told anyone you loved them today? Yep numerous times. Are you wearing shoes at the moment? No shoes allowed around the house, dude. When did you last shower? ...Last night...it’s now 7:32 PM. Oops. I swear I can barely get any showering done every time I’m on a break.

What song is stuck in your head right now? Idle Worship by Paramore. I’m certain I’ll be on a Pmore high the entire time waiting for them to come here in February. Does it snow where you live? Nope. I’ve never experienced snow. Do you live within an hour of the ocean? Hah not at all. You’ll have to travel for hours. Do you ever do things even though you know you'll regret it later? Yes hahaha and it’s almost always about treating myself to expensive food I know I don’t deserve. Biggest mistake of your life? Not learning how to play the piano. What are you currently sitting/laying on? I’m sitting on one of the chairs at the dining table. Who is your oldest friend? Oldest in terms of age is probably Ate Jarica, she’s 22. If you mean my friend for the longest time, Angela. How long have you known them? Oh, I guess you meant the latter. Twelve years. Where are they right now? Idk, either out or at her house. I don’t know how she usually spends her Sunday evenings. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? No thanks. It would be awkward, and I’m not into dating someone younger than I am. How old is your oldest living grandparent? I’ll be honest with you, I have no idea how old each of my dad’s parents are. I think it’s about time I go ask him :(( I know my grandma (mom’s side) is 71, but I don’t know if that makes her the oldest. What were you doing at 11am this morning? I was at my grandmother’s and catching up with my eldest cousin. What do you plan to be doing two hours from now? Still absorbed in surveys, hopefully.  Where were you living in 1993? Buddy, my parents had only just met that year. I wouldn’t be around till five years later. Were you even born? Answered that. Do you remember who you were dating in July 2006? I was in second grade. I only cared about High School Musical in those days. Are you still dating that person? Who was the last non-relative of the same sex you had a conversation with? Gabie. Last non-relative of the opposite sex? Kuya Kenrick, from my org-to-be. It wasn’t really a conversation, though. He was the one who presided over my formal interview for the org so the atmosphere had that of a job interview more than a light discussion. Has anyone kissed you today? No, we don’t see each other during the weekends. What is the best gift someone can give you? Time. :) Do you tend to fall for people who don't return your feelings? I’ve only felt this way for one person so I don’t have enough experience to give you an established answer. Why did your last relationship end? She was married to her jobs and I was left to the side, but we kept it going for months until it got too unhealthy. Who ended it? She did. Via email. Can you believe? Where do you go to school, if anywhere? I go to the University of the Philippines, Diliman campus. Do you have a job? No. Where? How long have you worked there? Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? I have no clue, it must be a hand-me-down. I never know where my home clothes come from. Who were the last 3 people to leave you a comment/wall post? Pretty sure they were Macy, Ate Luisa, and Kuya Toby. Are you left-handed? I am not.   Do you wear contacts? No, they freak me out too much. Have you ever been a clown for Halloween? I haven’t. Where are the last three places you went? Church, my grandparents’ house, and even before that, I guess Gab’s place last Friday. Do you remember what the price of gas was the last time you saw it? I don’t take note of it. Do you prefer Pepsi or Coke? Neither. Is your hair longer than your shoulders? Not anymore, yaaaaay. Do you tend to go for guys/girls with certain eye/hair colors? No. Filipinos are homogeneous when it comes to appearance so we don’t get to be picky. What time did you go to bed last night? 10 or 11, not so sure. When did you get up this morning? 6:45? If I remember correctly. When was the last time it rained? It rained really hard Friday. Weird how it never came back though. Are your finger nails painted at the moment? They never are. Have you ever made yourself throw up? Sure. Why? Because I felt disgusted. Do you ever go hunting/fishing? Also never.

When was the last time you went camping? I haven’t gone camping before :c Are you currently wearing anything orange? I am not. I never do except for the rare times I wear the lone orange top I own. Do you know anyone who is a nurse? Possibly, but I’m be sure. There are lots of nurses in the Philippines though so I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone I knew turned out to be a nurse. Would you prefer to own a lapdog or a bigger dog? Big dogs. Are you more of a cat person? No. Are you currently wearing any jewelry? Yeah, I have a necklace that I never take off. Was any of it given to you? If so, by whom? My girlfriend. What is your worst subject? Social sciences, chemistry, calculus, geometry. What was the worst thing to happen to you today? I went to church. What are you looking forward to tomorrow? I don’t have school tomorrow and I am so fucking stoked to do absolutely nothing. When did you last see the last person you kissed? Friday. Are you dating this person? I am. Do you know anyone who plays guitar? I know tons of people who do. Do you play guitar? No. Did anyone tell you that you looked nice today? No. I didn’t make an effort today so it’s understandable lol. How many missed calls have you had today? Zero. Who were the last three people to call you? All of my recent calls are from Gab. The only other person to call me is my mom but even that seldom happens.

Who were the last three people you called? I’m comfortable enough to be on the line with just my girlfriend, period. Have you had to have stitches at all in the last year? NOPE. No stitches for me no surgeries no needles no nothing nope. Did you graduate high school within the last 3 years? I did. :( If not, will you graduate within the next 3 years? :( :( :(  How old will you be on your next birthday? I’ll be 20! Feeling excited. Or is that wrong? Which is coming next: Christmas or your birthday? Christmas. How many people live in the same household as you? Five, including myself. Have you ever visited another country? Yeah, I’ve visited six others. If so, how long were you there? Singapore for 3 days, Malaysia for 2. Indonesia for 5 days. China for around 3 days in total, Japan for 1 day, South Korea for 1 day. Do you have any money on yourself at the moment? Yes. Do you sleep in the nude? Only when I’m spending the night with Gab but like otherwise it would make me feel uncomfortable. Do you ever walk around the house naked if no one is home? Now that I never do. What is your favorite way to spend a rainy morning? SLEEPING INNNNNN. What is your favorite way to spend a cool autumn night? I don’t know what an autumn night would feel like since we don’t get that season, whoops. Where was the last place you slept other than your house? Gabie. I had planned to drive home that night but their family introduced me to wine and I ended up downing two bottles. LOL Have you ever stayed up all night and then gone to work in the morning? Ugh yes. My last assignent for one of my journalism classes, I had to stay literally up all night for it and had to go straight to that class by morning. That was the day of my birthday too.  Is there anyone you wish you could see right now? Meh, I’m fine. Do you have any big plans for the weekend? None other than to rest and do nothing. That’s big for me in the sense that I never get to have a completely relaxed weekend these days... How many relationships have you been in so far this year? One. Do you prefer to be single or with someone? At this point, with someone. I’ve been so used to it now. Do you have any tattoos? No. Are you planning on getting any? Not anymore, I think. Would you pierce your nipples for $100? No. Did you lose your virginity before you were sixteen? I didn’t. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? I haven’t and I don’t think I would if it ever came to that. What are the middle names of everyone in your family? Middle name = maiden name in Filipino naming customs, and I’m not giving that out. Are you taller than 5'6"? Not a chance. Where did you go the last time you took a vacation? Vigan. If you could live in a TV show, which one would you be in? Same old answer, San Junipero. Not a show but whatever. Would you ever consider adoption? Yes, but it’s not a priority. How do you feel about your life right now? I think depression is a huge pain in the ass.

#survey #surveys

[diasilek-blog]

Some of my story

Just to preface this: i am not dx with PTSD or CPTSD. I have not spent much time in therapy to share all of this. But will share it with my current therapist. Thanks for listening if you make it to the end you deserve all karma. I am sorting this by houses and places I've lived as it's much easier for me to remember that way, provided is the place I lived the the ages I was.

The apartment 0-1.5

I remember nothing no surprise there

House 1 1.5-4

Remember barely anything. Know that father and mother were together but father was an angry alcoholic however mom notes the nicest person when sober. I suppose an abusive father and Vietnam can do that to you. Mother tells me some frightening stories of him but also continues to note he's a teddy bear when sober. My aunts confirm this as well. My father was also a semi driver so he was often gone. Probably a good thing. There are 4 things I know about my dad (Now, not then) He drove truck, was an alcoholic, played drums in a band, and was in the Vietnam war.The only thing I visually remember is rice aroni for dinner, what I thought was a GIGANTIC spider on a lightbulb in the basement, and my room. I can also see those black and white fillagree like brogue oxford dress shoes next to a closet. Oh and those bouncy horses. When my mom was selling the house a buyer can through with her daughter and She got on the horse - I pushed her off. Other than that really nothing else. Father divorces my mom when I'm 3.5 and moved to California to be with his mistress. He ends up in a psych ward for what was either a ptsd episode or schizophrenia. No one I ask knows for sure. And I can't imagine actually asking him.

Quadplex 4-6

It's just my mom and me and our cat. I remember little from this period as well except for the following: eating Oreos for breakfast, slamming my head into a waterbed headboard and needing stitches, and sticking tweezers in a light socket, oh and making friends with neighbors next door. There are more but those seem the most prominent. Oh I'm also in daycare; I have fond memories of that at least. I don't hear from my father at all. I make 2 "friends" at daycare. They take turns ignoring me, forcing me to choose between them, and telling me I need to buy them toys to be their friend. I think about asking my grandma to buy me three jewel trolls. My mother meets someone new. I start kindergarten.

Duplex 6-9

My mother marries someone new. He seems nice. We move into the duplex. I don't remember a whole lot from this time besides my bedroom, the layout, pretending to run away in the back yard, eating chives, learning to ride a bike and then seeing my step dad kick my cat down the stairs. I'm still in daycare. Those girls are gone now.

House 2 9-11

I find out a girl from school lives across the street. We become inseparable. I am a little too eager for friendship and call her at 6am some days. Her family is annoyed with me. I can tell. We make friends with other neighborhood kids. One is a boy. Both of them start "dating" and exclude me from everything. Back to no friends. I ask my mom to intervene but she clearly doesn't want to. Eventually friend and I see each other at school on the playground. I tell her I have the new Nintendo system and now she wants to come over and play. This is how friendship works I guess.

I meet a girl in 3rd. Eventually we become good friends. I am always too eager for friendship. I call her one afternoon, we talk, then she says to hold on. I hold for 3 hours and then hang up. She becomes friends with the popular crowd and eventually I am left behind. I remember listening to "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston and wanting to dedicate it to her. My mom says she doesn't think that's what the song is about. I wonder What was wrong with me?

I start soccer and am terrible at first. My father comes to visit infrequently. I am basically forced to see him but I have no desire. My father and grandmother come late to a soccer game and they take me for the afternoon. I am scared and angry but they still take me. It's not as bad as I think it will be and I start to equate him to Fishsticks. They never sound good at all but then I eat one and it's not as terrible as I thought it would be. So, it's not always bad with him.

Eventually it is planned that I stay at his house one night. He lives directly across the street from my grandmother. At first it is fun however there are empty cardboard 12 packs lining his wall. I’m only 11ish so I find it disconcerting but I’m not sure I know the extent. We play a game centered around being a truck driver. I sense some pride inside for my father and his career. My father asks if I want to play pool in the basement. We go downstairs. I see his drum set. He teaches me the basic 4/4 beat. Somehow we begin talking about his time spent in the war. I don’t know what comes over me or why I decide to ask him, but the words just kind of come out. I ask him if he killed anyone in the war. He is visibly upset and says he’d rather not talk about that. Things are very awkward after this and he tells me he thinks I should go back over to my Grandma’s house and not spend the night. I leave.

House 3 11-18

Lots of good lots of bad. My father moves back to our state 1995. He's been gone for 7 years. Still not sober.

I initially meet a girl who seems to come from some dysfunction. Her mom is nice though however there is a guy who hangs around a little older than us. We go to my house and he breaks into my stepdads liquor cabinet. I freak out on him, he then goes into our garage and punches many dents in my step Dads car. I call my mom and they call the police. He runs. They catch him and eventually let him go after whatever punishment they gave. When he was back I got a call from him and his friends threatening me for money. I visited the girls house one day and he and his friends waited outside the house. I was terrified to leave but with my friend and her mom watching I walked home.

I play indoor soccer and my dad shows up with my grandmother to a game where is visibly intoxicated. He tries to find his way to our bench - I am mortified and crying but trying to hide it.

Eventually I meet a friend who I become very close with. She is basically a sister for me and still is to this day although we are a few states a part. I finally get to see what a normal family dynamic looks like. My father calls every few months when he is drunk. I hate it. He wants me to know that my stepdad isn't my real dad and that he is my dad. My whole body is tense. My step dad is always angry, emotionally mean and abusive to my mom. They argue about the dumbest things and he is mean. There are always eggshells to walk on and I am always angry with him. I want my mom to stand up for herself and there are many times she tells me she wants to divorce him. I tell her if support her in that decision. There is a night where things get really heated and I finally step in, crying I tell them to stop fighting and lock myself in my room. Eventually my stepdad comes knocking and he’s crying profusely apologizing. It felt so awkward.

Soccer continued, I become really good. I’m on varsity my sophomore year and am not happy about it. I’ve played soccer for the last 8 years with the same people. I am asked during Spanish class what I will be doing this weekend, I mention there is a varsity soccer sleepover. A past friend of mine thinks I’m bragging and tells everyone on my old team that I think I’m better than them. Some don’t talk to me for a while. Soccer was one of the best things my mom ever put me in. I am honorable mention in the state that year. The next year I experiment with marijuana and start smoking. I’m not as good the next year. Senior year I decide not to join – eventually I do after seeing a game and missing it. Definitely not as good as I was. In fact I suck in comparison.

I obsess over the availability of the internet and the vast expanse that it allowed me to explore. I make friends online and develop relationships with people. Eventually at 16 I fall head over heels for someone (Guy A) who lives in another state. We bond over music and I am hooked. He surprises me on Valentine's Day by showing up to my house after asking my mom her permission it's a fucking fairy tale. I am also only 16. I visit home once at his house and it is the first sexual experience I have. Long distance didn't work and my heart shattered. He would come and go out of my life for a few years. I meet another guy through the internet (Guy B). We bond over music and I fall hard. We talk for a year, on the phone, through netmeeting, aim, and even texting (nokias!). I graduate.

I attend my (very close friend who is like a sister)’s graduation. We are hanging out with 2 of our friends who attend a different school. They bring a friend with them. We drink a lot. There is a tent we all plan on sleeping in. We pile in and the friend we don’t know lays next to me. We all try to fall asleep. Until he does it. Out of nowhere reaches into my pants and touches me. I’m really not sure how long this lasts. After it stops I wait until I think he is asleep and then I go home. I tell no one.

I continue speaking to Guy B. He informs me he will come and visit. I am ecstatic. I forget about what happened in the tent. Guy B visits, I end up getting really sick and it turns out to be mono. (Which I think I got a month prior while still in school when one night I went out with friends and got super plastered and made out with a guy I didn’t know where he also stuck his hand down my pants but I didn’t stop him. I had hickeys all over my neck and my soccer team makes fun of me) The week with Guy B was amazing. He left and I was hopeful. But once he got back home he stopped talking to me. Eventually telling me he couldn’t take the distance and that one of us would eventually need to move. Another shattered heart. My step dad is still mean. I remember riding in the car with him and my mom when someone either cut him off or break checked him. He proceeded to tailgate them, cussing, yelling, swerving side to side. The car in front went faster and so did he. It was terrifying. My mom eventually yelled at him to take us home.

College Dorm 18-18

I start college and make it half a semester. I know no one and the social anxiety is terrible. I move back home and see a psychologist who diagnoses me with social anxiety.

Home 3 18-19

I’m back home. My mom wants me to find a job; a stipulation of dropping out of college. She finds a job listing for a warehouse worked disassembling computer equipment. It’s night shift, but it’s money and it’s stability I needed at the time. The company is amazing and I am very fortunate. My sister friend has been dating a guy for a very long time and they ask me to come bowling. I meet my first long term boyfriend. He is my friends boyfriends best friend. He is also 7 years older than me. I lose my virginity to him after basically telling myself “Well, this is it” It wasn’t the experience I was hoping for.

I basically end up living with him and his roommate.

1st BF House 19-20

I’m back and forth between houses but mostly at his. He works days, I work nights. I wake up one morning and he’s at work; I spot a camera under his tv stand. It’s on, and it’s recording. I’m baffled. I watch it. It’s basically nothing but me sleeping. I question him about it and he states that he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything (not sure what that includes) For some reason I let it slide. We date for 2 years. I have gained some weight since 18. I wasn’t anywhere near unhealthy but I wasn’t in the greatest shape. We get a dog together. I start running with the dog. 1 year later I’m in the best shape ever. This dog is my life. I’m drinking lightly at this point but running causes me to not want to drink. But I do smoke cigarettes after my runs. Go figure.

1st Apartment 20-21

We live together. When we move I’ve been sort of back in contact with my father. He offers to help us move. Up to this point we are very off and on, maybe once a year we speak. I am still running. My job is going well and I move to first shift as well as moving departments. I begin doing inventory and being a computer repair technician. Things are ok.

I decide to go back to school for what I thought was my passion – graphic design. I attend a local community college. My boyfriend says to not take many classes or I may end up in the same situation as before. I honestly think he just doesn’t want me to advance myself or meet other people. One day on my way to school I remember that my dad is living in an efficiency in a motel nearby. I find some courage that day to confront him. To ask him about what happened. He’s not there when I knock on his door but just as I’m about to leave I see him pull up. He’s gone to the store to buy another 12 pack of beer. So much anxiety at this point. Ultimately I ask him why he left, he doesn’t give me a good answer (as if there would be one) he just said sometimes 2 people just drift apart. This doesn’t explain why he was never around. Days later, on my way to school I am listening to music, a favorite thing of mine to do, when all of a sudden I feel disconnected from everything. The music sounds different. I can’t “feel” it anymore. It’s pretty much been that way since.

After coming home from my half semester away at college I’ve been experimenting more and more with illegal substances. Almost everything except for Meth and Heroin. I don’t consider this to be necessarily negative. I was always safe about my experiencing making sure to check Erowid for stories, information and overall preparedness before we’d ever do anything.

Guy A contacts me online and my current boyfriend and I are arguing a lot. Intimacy basically never exists in my relationships so they are always rocky. I find escape in talking to Guy A again. I sneak out to see him one night and my current boyfriend finds out. He is very hurt and wants to end it. The next morning I try to smooth things over, I am panicking. He goes to work and I am supposed to eventually go to mine. I can’t think about anything other than he is going to leave me. I don’t even get dressed for the day, I get in my car and follow him to his work. I am in survival mode basically. I need to know that I won’t be abandoned or left again by someone. I feel crazy. Things eventually smooth over.

Home 3 21-21

Months later I decide to move home and he moves in with his old roommate into a duplex. I am running even more now with our dog. The dog lives at his house and I miss him terribly. We still fight and argue and I’m still unable to develop real intimacy with him. I continue to seek connection outside of the relationship but know that I shouldn’t. I can’t remember how this happened but I must have given my number to someone online and they began contacting me. My boyfriend found out and was again hurt and this time very angry. Threats of breaking up occurred over the phone. I went to his house and banged on his glass sliding door screaming on the patio. He wouldn’t let me in, and again I felt that panic that sets in when someone is about to leave you. I think eventually he let me in out of pity. Some form of reconciliation happened. I tried as much as I could at that time to connect with the person I was supposed to connect with. I wasn’t able to. I eventually ended it on my own terms AFTER I had met someone else at work. It’s a pattern of mine to do that. He takes my dog with him. I don’t see him ever again. It’s extremely heartbreaking for me. I loved that dog. I eventually get a new dog a few months later to fill the void and that dog is still with me.

I date this person from work for 6 months or so and we break up, after I run into someone I went to high school with who I had a major crush on.

Apartment 2 21-22

I move into a new apartment with one of my good friends. I’ve been able to make a few friends at this point. At this point I’ve been working for that same employer since I was 18. I’ve since moved from the warehouse into the office doing work on their website and marketing material. I haven’t finished my graphic design degree and decide to switch my major to marketing. I begin making some good money at this point and am fairly comfortable. I’m dating the guy I knew from high school. I also know that since high school he had developed an addiction to heroin. When I meet him he claims he is clean. I’ll find out later that he definitely isn’t. One day I go out and about while he’s still at my home. I come back to find that he’s vacuumed my stairs which is super nice of him and then I see my dog. His eye and surrounding area is 3 times the size it should be. I ask my boyfriend what happened and he says the dog peed on the stairs after he cleaned them. He fucking punched my dog.I don’t know why I stayed with him. I eventually left after he continued to lie to me about using. This time I didn’t have a back up. It was the first time I actually did something healthy for myself in regards to a relationship. I meet someone at my cousins wedding. We see each other around afterwards.

My friend decides to move back home. I find an apartment in the same complex with a 1 bedroom and move. I get a call from my doctor after an abnormal pap, it comes back with CIN III dysplasia. I don’t quite know what this means as far as fertility and my overall health. I have a leep procedure and am lucky that it gets rid of it all. 6 months later I am HPV free.

Apartment 3 22-24

Guy B calls one night randomly. Guy B and I continue talking, he’s saying all the right things to me and is regretful of how it ended between us. I am kind of talking to guy I met at the wedding. Guy B and I bond again over music and I plan to go and visit him. Guy at wedding wants to date. I’ve booked a flight to go see Guy B. I don’t know what to do. I think I should go for what I feel is a sure thing with wedding guy. Guy B hurt me the last time we were together. I end up cancelling my flight with Guy B and calling that off. I date wedding guy for a few months, but I’m not feeling a connection. Somehow guy A ends up in my town and we meet up. I do things I shouldn’t with him while I’m in a relationship wedding guy. I break it off with him. I get a hold of Guy B and apologize. I make plans to visit him on new years. The week I spend there is awesome but I have this sinking feeling that the situation will only end the same as it did before. At the end of the week he drops me off at the airport. He only gives me a hug and leaves. I am devastated because I know this is it. I cry for hours in the airport and am approached by a random stranger who was in town for a lighting project. He comforts me and tries to calm me down. I am appreciative of his compassion.

I date a few people here and there and eventually meet someone. I like him, my friends basically hate him. I should have known, for some reason I am always hooked on people who aren’t good for me. within 3 months I am pregnant. I remember the night, we use a condom but find it has broken. The next day I take plan b. I think everything is ok until I miss my period. I am not sure what to do. I do tell 4 people. My mom, 2 friends, and a coworker who has become a mentor to me. I am thankful for this support network.

This guy has a career he has worked very hard for and is continuing to work hard on. I tell him I am pregnant and he is very supportive at first. But he wants me to consider abortion. He is afraid he will resent the child for not allowing him to pursue his dreams. I am torn. I have always wanted children – but not in this way. Knowing he would resent his child or the possibility of him resenting his child just reminds me of my childhood and not having a father. I don’t want to put any child through that. I decide to terminate. Before I can do that I need a counseling session. Boyfriend comes there with me. I am definitely not ok but am going through it anyways. I breakdown on the phone with a nurse when I scheduled the appointment.

My boyfriend is out of town for work on the day of the abortion. I go by myself, have to watch a short film, and then take a pill. I will need to take one more later on. There is a group of students doing a study and the doctor wants to know if they can watch me while I take the pill. I agree for some reason. It was all over so quickly. I am ushered out of the building and walk to my car alone. I feel guilty and numb and sad and so very alone. I go to my parents’ house and wait it out. All of the things that happen happen and my mom is there for me. I go back to my apartment that night and take a bath. While taking my bath a feel a weird sensation and one last clot is passed – it’s large, and it’s not something I wanted to see. It’s floating in the bath with me. I scoop it out and throw it in the toilet.

I’m sure my boyfriend is relieved but I am the one that lives with this. He tells me I have 3 days to mourn and then it’s something we need to get over.

I have a hard time living with this decision. It causes many issues in our relationship. He gets fired from his job. We go see his family in his home state. I see how terrible he is to his mother. Why am I still in this relationship? Somehow his mother and us are talking and discussing babies and I have no idea how abortion is brought up but she says “you better not be aborting my grandbabies!” I break down.

Eventually he finds a job out of state. I basically beg him to take me with. We move, all 3 of us, which includes his roommate. They have been best friends for years and I am constantly the third wheel.

Apartment 4 24-25

Lots of things happen here. Most of it is extremely toxic. My boyfriend and I argue so often. I am still seething from the abortion and am resentful. I find that he’s joined a dating website. He says he only did it in case we don’t work out.

I find a job relatively quickly and will work there for the next 3 years. It is also extremely toxic for me. He loses his job fairly quickly.

When my boyfriend and I fight I tend to not remember most of the arguments. I think I remember what I say but when we fight about things we’ve said he disagrees with me and tells me that’s not how things happened and I start to feel crazy. I find a document on his computer that is titled “what -myname- says during arguments” and I do not open it. He says he keeps it so he has proof of what I say. Is he gaslighting me? am I really crazy, do I really not remember things correctly? I am so confused.

Maybe I am the perpetrator?

Many nights are spent fighting, I can’t remember what they were about now. I remember the anger in his face when he was trying to leave the apartment to go for a walk and I remember the panic that set in as I shrunk into a ball on the floor. Another panic attack when someone threatens to leave. He walks out and I gain the composure to try and find him. I find him and I yell at him for not being there for the abortion about him not having to deal with what I dealt with. I’m sure everyone in our apartment complex can hear us.

I find he’s actually been talking to girls on this dating website and I go stay at a hotel for the night. A few months later he finds a job in his home state and moves back, he wants me to come with. Instead I’ve been looking at apartments and sign on one. I am terrified of being on my own. I don’t move with him, I stay.

Apartment 5 25-28

I am finally alone with only my work relationships. I try to make friends with the girls there but they are not my kind. My boss likes to use intimidation and vitriol to manage our department. Most days I have anxiety about going to work.

I find someone online and we begin dating. He is dx bi-polar and takes medication. He consistently claims he is no good for me and that he has never dated someone as normal as I am. I am not really normal there is just a very convincing façade.

The relationship is mysterious and not stable. Eventually he breaks up with me and I am fired from my job for declining performance I think but they don’t give me a reason and I am kind of devastated but also kind of relieved.

I give it a few months and am applying for jobs here and there. I have a quick stint at a VA job fair for a week. I begin talking to someone on okcupid, but have decided that I should probably move back home. After the job fair is complete I pack up some bags and drive home to visit. I continue talking to this new person through okcupid and now texting. I am applying for jobs in my hometown. I am getting requests for interviews. I’m not sure what I should do. I go back home and meet the person I’ve been texting with. He’s very sweet and kind and I think sexual things may have happened too quickly, but he cares and for once I finally feel safe somewhere. I get an interview for a company and eventually get the job. I’m making good money and things are starting to level off. New guy and I connect quickly and there is no doubt that there is finally something stable, good, and loving in my life. It is quick though when we become pregnant after talks about wanting children. We really didn’t think that would happen so quickly. I am kind of shocked but we are both excited. I know we’ll need a place to live and neither of our places suited so I set out to buy our first house. My credit was good enough at that point.

Final House 28-32

We move into the house when I’m 4 months pregnant. I am proposed to on mother’s day with the rocky II proposal. Thing are great. We have our daughter by c-section and it’s the most emotional and happy I’ve felt in my entire life. We both cry. Breastfeeding isn’t easy and she has lots of phlegm so when she spits up she has a hard time breathing. I develop post partum anxiety over feeding her and eventually get prescribed anxiety medication. Life goes on there is depression and I’m having a hard time being intimate.

It seems as though intimacy is always easy for me in the beginning of relationships but as they progress it gets much hard for me to connect. And it’s not just with my husband but with my kids as well. Oh yeah, we have another child after we get married. These kids are the fucking best and I am SURROUNDED by love all of the time. I think sometimes it is so overwhelming. I have never felt this before. I actually have a group of friends who care about me and who care about each other and it is entirely evident that these people are the best people I’ve ever had in my life. I sometimes feel I don’t belong and have a hard time relating. I still have anxiety and issues and my drinking has increased throughout my life. I no longer do any type of drugs.

I am currently a business analyst for a different company and I absolutely love what I do. I have a caring employer and I feel as though my life has done a complete 180. I am extremely fortunate but I have a hard time feeling that. I know in my brain that I am safe but that is not how my body feels most of the time. Intimacy between my husband and I is pretty nonexistent but he is very supportive. I just feel bad that I am unable to give him what he needs. I am in therapy every 2 weeks. I want to get better for him and our family. She seems to be the first therapist I feel has some understanding and concern for me. I am trying very hard to be present here and to enjoy what I have but it is very hard to do. I have dermatillomania as well. I am working on that, and it doesn’t bring me as much shame as it used to. I feel lots of different things but I think confusion is the most common feeling. There is so much more but I’ve already wrote a book.

If you’ve read this far thank you. Sorry for the mess and jumble The chronological pattern is based on where I lived verse my actual age. So I hope the skipping around in certain sections isn’t too confusing.

[ciaraelizabethbuck-blog]

Part 1

    Part 1

It all started last September, well September 2015. I met the love of my life, a slim tom boy with long curly brown hair and brown eyes with the cutest dimples when she smiles. A hat a button up shirt and a pair of jeans, what a knock out. She even drove a bad ass Malibu. It was not like any date I had ever been on before, I pull in and we look and say I hope it’s you. And thank goodness it was. On the phone with her mom in order to make sure that I was not some 300lb man. I even talked to her on the phone just to rest her soul. It was pretty cool to see that her family was so worried about it. We had Mozzarella stick and I had a famous Ciara drink all at a bar called Bamboozles. Then you know we had some other fun dates and parties, a 3am drive to bum fuck no where Peck MI to see her for a few hours. By far the date that really made our relationship was the funeral date. Meeting her family who “doesn’t” know she’s gay, being a friend but one that everyone knows is more than just your friend, the scariest moment of my life. And I so happened to just meet the most wonderful person there. Good old Aunt Donna. She told me thank you for my service held my hand and kept hugging me. Then talking about the Navy and sailing with her husband, it was pretty amazing I never felt more at home or part of a family who actually appreciated what I did. Then as we are leaving and my new found Aunt Donna gave me a hung goodbye I had my phone in my hand with a picture of my girl and I kissing and she said “cute background”! I dropped dead. I thought my new perfect impression was ruined, minus the fact that we had talked about sending provocative Christmas cards to the aunt and uncle who are the Grinch and all things religious! And the whole way home I freaked out, when come to know she just meant the case I had on my phone, the good ole American Flag. But from then on I had them won over, I got to enjoy Christmas with them and even got to have the moon shine! I even got to experience the Debbie Cindy after a funeral I am drunk scene, bickering like sisters and Cindy spilling rice on the new carpet, and asking us when we were getting married, she really had things planned out for the two of us but I think her ending was a lot better. I introduced them to cards against humanity, and good god Debbie reading those cards out loud killed me. I can still here her saying “getting hilariously gang banged by the blue man group” while eating gas station pizza, (which was the best pizza ever, (it had the most cheese.) Then we moved too damn fast I was stupid and asked her to move in with me, although the first six months of us living together were amazing, it was like sex twice a day till 3 am! The best thing ever. All the late nights and cuddles you can ask for. Decorating the room and combining our stuff. It was amazing.

Welllll…. Until I found myself way too deep in to love. I got this crazy idea in my head that I wanted to get married and run that circle, I called her mom and asked for permission because I didn’t know her dad, and I wanted to make sure her mom and grandma approved because they were very important to her. And her mom said as long as she was happy she had no problem and I believed that her grandma did like me one point in our relationship. So my brave self-racked up the nerve, picked out the ring telling all while telling the lady at Kay all about a lesbian relationship… that can be long story. So it was February now and time flies so damn fast when you are enjoying it. And I pop the question she says yes, I believe out of the kindness of her heart and just feeling the moment. There is no way she actually wanted to marry me. I just wish I would have seen it then. We have a nice bath and a good dinner at Texas Roadhouse where she showed off her ring to everyone. Then it came about the idea of moving in just the two of us and that started a fight that was really dumb when you look back now. But we did end up getting a house for the two of us in March. It was an amazing house actually the perfect house no matter how much she thought or I acted like I didn’t like it. It was the best because we were together. The only reason I ever had a slight hatred for it was because I didn’t pay for it. That’s just me being myself. We did so much in that house but I tell you man our sex life when downhill boy. We began to fight more and communicate less, it was always something so stupid too an it would just sky rocket until it was an all-night affair. That we were both guilty of. Strong hard headed people suck at fighting no one ever gives up. And then we had the worst fight ever and I did something I swore I would never do and that hit someone I love.  And I live with that regret every single day of my life, I never meant for anything to get that bad and i hope that she knows that. But we did have good times, getting Molly and being in the back yard. We got our motorcycles and would have late night rides and trips. Going to Wal-Mart every day …. And that my friends Is no joke. Setting up a pool and cutting the dang grass to picking up dog poop. Man we lived the life!! Until we go down the next road.

As you can imagine months went by and that brings us to July and that brings us to the fact! You guessed it we are no longer together. And let me tell you that my friend was not cool. It didn’t end easy. It ended in a lot of hurt and just plain shit. We didn’t know how to be together at that time but we defiantly didn’t know how to break up. Never something I ever wanted, I mean geese wouldn’t have asked the girl to marry me just to get dumped…… I am smarter than that (so I think) Well so on and so on I move out, she gets another girl friend and of course people I was pissed because duhhh I am in love and I am watching the love of my life with someone else. No I didn’t hate the girl she was ok, but what I hated was the fact that I didn’t want my girl to get hurt because she was making rash decision I believe just to hurt me like I would have done too. My girl! She is just too damn stubborn to do what she really wants. But any who, they dated for a while maybe they even had a passionate love for each other I don’t care, she came to me and told me she does love me and she would change things but now!!!! Yea that’s right now we had a love triangle going on. And someone always ends up getting hurt in the end because believe it or not people love in the shape of a triangle doesn’t work figure it out, can’t do the math for that one. Well so now we have bigger problems and to be honest I did hurtful things she did hurtful things and none of it really was every resolved and I don’t think it was worth it. I really wanted her to be happy and if it was with that girl than so be it, but I didn’t see her happy I seen a mask hiding her true feelings because that was easier, but they broke up and that was kind of weird. I don’t think that went over very well for anyone. Talk about a mess, no the mess was us trying to “well say work on things” that did not happen we lasted a week and then wouldn’t talk so 3 weeks and so on. I want you I want her, and my cake too. Good grief!

Brings up to now. And unfortunately nope still not together…. And I wish I could explain it because if I had the right words for it I think it would make a great life time movie title, and the story in general would be a great made for TV movie. Well we are on taking terms that good something’s have been discussed but that girl Is not one for talking, let me tell ya, it like getting someone with short term memory loss to tell you about their day. She not good at good byes and is no good at explaining her feelings. Or apparently letting her exs go.. Somehow one way or another we end up back in contact; well actually it’s always me, I am always the one to break the damn seal of communication. I have never seen it so easy for someone to ignore someone they claimed to “love”. Well time to give up they say, and I probably should but I won’t. You should never give up on something that you know is right. And I am stupid but I know I am not her priority or even a mere thought in her mind. I know she doesn’t text me or respond but damn it I do it takes me all of 3 seconds. But I do know she cares a little because I don’t know anyone that would keep in contact with an EX like me for this long. She said 5-10 years from now when we have our lives figured maybe we can work on things, little does she know our lives will never be figured out. And I believe that, but that is where people make the mistake. They think we have all the time in the world but our time is very limited and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And I will never stop loving her, even if she never chooses me, because I know in my heart she is what completes me. And even if she doesn’t do the same I won’t be mad at her. I just wish I would have known it sooner so that the time I did have with her, I would have cherished more. And would have looked in to her eyes more often and told her that I was grateful for her each and every day. I would never want to get back together to have our same old relationship I would want to start all over and make a new bigger and better relationship. Fall in love all over again. We have to let go of the past but yet some of the past needs to be talked about and resolved before we move on to the future. Long shot my friends long shot. I don’t tell her that I want to see her or how much I miss her because well that just fucks stuff up! Every time, I scare her away with my feelings of overpowering love… But the truth is I think she scared because she has never had someone love her the way I do, and I don’t think anyone has stuck around and not given up like me. Or she had that an just never told me. But the girl is good at running! But running is for horses and there comes a time when the running needs to stop and the walking needs to begin. Its bad when it’s been I don’t even know how many months and you still wait up for a middle of the night call or good night’s texts from someone like my girl!

We live our lives thinking that being selfish is what’s going to make us happy and that we should care what other people think but who are those people any way.? I am a walking encyclopedia yes me the little blond haired pimple face green eyed girl. I can answer all the questions in the world except when it comes to my life, and I even give pretty good advice I just don’t know how to take it. Sounds pretty typical of a girl. This past year has been insane, lost the love of my life yes it sounds like she died but, in actuality that’s how it feels a piece of me died when she left and I left or what ever you want to call it. But I also lost my grandfather and even one of my very good friends from high school. I’ve been through a lot, even drinking and smoking sleeping really not sleeping and lord the crying never stops. Our parents say “hey kid life is not easy Work for what you want” but can they ever really prepare you for a broken heart? I don’t think so. Can they explain love, nope, and they are not going to tell you that even if you work hard for something 90% of the time you still wont get it.  It’s a lesson we learn all by our self. And some times you still can’t understand or explain to someone else the way you feel about a person and why you feel that way. For me its just something I feel in my heart and even in my stomach. I don’t need to search the world and date a million people to see that the one I want was the one I had. And to help people understand that I don’t want to move on and fall in love with someone else, because then Id wear the mask and that would be unkind of me to hurt someone else because I would never be truly happy, sure it might be ok but who the hell wants an ok relationship or to marry someone they are just ok with… think that’s the quickest way to divorce. I would rather say that I chased my love and tried to win her back and die knowing that that’s what I did then pretend to be something I am not to make others happy. It is hard enough to be a lesbian with out trying to pretend that your happy with someone for the sake of family and friends. Die a happy man they say well that’s the dang song anyway. You will die a happy lesbian when you do what’s right for you, even if it means loving someone that doesn’t do it back. There is a lot of things people don’t know about me, with my big booming out spoken personality it hard to think I have, low self esteem and that I do get scared some times I get scared of loosing the people who mean the most to me.

    I think that some times we are meant to be apart, but I don’t think that it was meant forever. I think we needed to understand what we were doing wrong and we couldn’t do that being the situation. We needed to grow and learn how to talk to each other, but realize that we were also our own people. Being together every single day for a year it was as if we were trying to form one person and forgot what it was to be alone and be ourselves. I am going off course here but who the hell cares its my story and its coming to an end. People today I face the fact that this girl that was mine for a short time and will never be mine again. I love her with everything I have but she has no clue how much she hurts me. She thinks that she is being honest with me, when its a run around. The text message I get of her being mad at me about a girl, I thought was her caring about me? I guess I was really wrong about that. I feel like it was just a way to make me unhappier and throw it in my face, that she is not with me but she does not want me talking to any one else. And that she was being so nice for a whole week when she was bored and didn’t have anyone else to talk to. She likes that I am there at her beck and call when its convenient for her, I am the back up plan. I am constantly nothing but positive to her and happy for the things she tells me despite the fact that I know she lies to me just because she doesn’t want to argue about it, and because she will say its none of my business. But some how my whole life is her business even when we are not together. Are you as confused as I am yet? I know that she “hangs out” with other girls, flirting and cuddles an I am sure she has sex. And I know that she still talks to the girl she was with after me for petes sake she spent Christmas eve with her and then told me they don’t talk. I am not oblivious to these things; I just choose to say nothing because frankly I don’t care any more. I did what she asked and moved the hell past it. I can’t change it and its been almost a year an she hasn’t changed. I was told she needs to do all this alone, and that she doesn’t want me to get the wrong impression, well the impression was made when it seemed she cared. What ever makes the girl happy. But who really wants to face life alone? I don’t really think its so much alone, I think its more of just not with you hun. I could be 100% all wrong who the hell knows. I will probably never know because she never talks to me. And I am sure in those 5 or 10 years she gives herself she will be happily with someone else, who wont ever love her as much as I do. But I can say its her loss, because I still have me. I can no longer chase someone who has no desire to be caught by me ever. It’s a game that never ends and a game that is rather upsetting. It will never end until someone has the courage to say exactly what they feel. And a game of this is played with two players and player one has made their actions very clear. So we are waiting for player two to buzz in….

    A year later and player two chimes in, still doing the same shit. Her birthday was yesterday May 30th I sent her 50$ flowers and a card, and never herd from her, I haven’t herd from her in 5 months. But yet I still cant seem to get her off my mind. I can live my life normally now but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her or miss her. Its crazy. But now it really is the end of the story because there’s nothing left to tell. I am still alone and in love with someone who is not in love with me and who could care less about me. Kinda sucks…..

#you broke my heart #movingonn