#we both tested separately during our estrangement and to no one surprise I am in fact his progeny | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

juleswolverton-hyde · 4 years

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Bruised | 01 (JB x OC)

Genre: Smut, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Slice of Life

Pairing: Jaebeom x photographer!OC

Warnings: Allusions to domestic violence, self-harm and depression, inferiority complex, low self-esteem

Summary: After years of not speaking to him, Alistaire is surprised when her childhood friend, Jaebeom, contacts her about the rumour of her returning to Korea. The rumour proves to be true and for a moment everything feels like the good old days.

Yet something has changed in the both of them, but mostly in him. He is not the kid Ali once knew, but someone completely new and with a past. What has happened in the years she was away? What made him turn out like this?

But most of all, can they survive the toxicity unconsciously influencing them both?

Author’s Note: This was originally a Taehyung fic, but I thought I would rewrite and prep it for actual publishing while simultaneously replacing Tae with JB. This is because, otherwise, I will have no connection to (essentially) his character in the tale. Lastly, it is also a splendid opportunity to share the second draft of the novel with you.

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Chapter 1 Alistair

April 7th Year 1

Every face in the extensive swallowing crowd is a blur, nothing distinguishing one person from the next. Meaningless chatter fills the buzzing air lightly scented by the aroma of the sea despite the actual destination being a few miles from the airport where the plane has just landed in a country formerly called ''home''. Truth be told, it has always been called so regardless of the many years spent away from it.

And in that time nothing has remained as it once was, that much is already clear from merely standing here at border control among hundreds of suitcases like the one held firmly on the right side, fingers wrapped around the British travel documents that have formed an escape from a place which is gladly left behind. Happily, a piece of Hell is traded for a slice of the past that is inherently different from what can be remembered, even though this is logical since this city is alien territory.

Nevertheless, there is one thing from the past that has apparently been continuous: him, the childhood friend that has unsuspectedly been found in a place of old.

One step further towards passing customs, towards getting the Visa checked and that stamp of allowance in the brand new passport containing a name that has been greatly discussed in the news in Korea and in the social circles of Britain, though it shall soon mean as much as the next one.

More waiting, thoughts wandering off to the Siheung mochi shop boy with the slight overbite when smiling and who had been the sole friend during the youth spent carelessly, free of the burdens that would come upon the return to the land of origin.

To the roots of a hellish life.

I wonder if he is still the same or would that be an idle wish?

Years have gone by and in all honesty, it is not to be expected for the lad with caramel skin to be the same because how can he be when both of us have grown up? The answer to the question would not be unknown if only the probably biggest regret in the entire twenty-one years of living did not exist, if only contact was maintained after the move to the United Kingdom.

The one digital conversation that surprisingly happened did not give any clues to go on to use in creating an image of the contemporary version of the companion unwillingly abandoned, so there is next to nothing known about how time and life has treated a best friend turned stranger. How the silent period apart has shaped character and shall influence the reunion on the horizon.

Another advance temporarily breaks the reverie to step in the direction of the birch counter behind which sits a stern-looking customs authority, blank yet overtly bored expression unwavering while checking the presented papers and finally putting a stamp in the little booklet, parting our ways with a stern nod.

The reminiscence begins again on the way to the hall of arrivals where a familiar comrade is supposedly waiting among the many shops and eateries. The thought that has been gnawing away at common sense continues to feed the sense of guilt which has grown immense due to the days spent apart without any indication as to well-being. Not that it was necessary to talk about since the personal problems would only be a burden to the other party and there was no solution to them until this opportunity arose.

Even a simple greeting was apparently too great a grace.

Mayhaps, if contact had been maintained, disgraced sneakers would not have committed the mistakes they have.

Have been safe from harm.

From lonely pain.

The effects of which were unconsciously pressed upon an absent supporting pillar.

Why did I leave you alone?

A couple of days ago, an extraordinary contact was established by the adult version of a forgotten childish soul by email. The moment weary eyes wandered to the newly arrived message after having answered a few job-related ones, a sharp intake of breath accompanied by a sudden giddiness guided the fingers rapidly sliding over the keyboard to the mousepad to click on the notification, having to make sure it was truly him and confirming it. It was astonishing to learn that the five years older chap still had the personal email address turned into a professional point of contact after all this time.

It meant he still had not forgotten about the one who was forced to go.

The rapid exchange, replying a few moments after one another and hence keeping the conversation flowing, consisted mostly of small talk and a little bit of catching up. The topics were pretty haphazard thanks to the attempt to try and cover as many subjects as possible within what felt like little time. Notwithstanding, it felt as if the childhood friend from Siheung was beating around the bush.

The text in the correspondence from his side contained hints to something bigger, continuously referring to it by words concealing the true intention without ever explicitly saying what wanted to be said. At a certain point, though it could also have been due to the throbbing of the right cheek and the echo of fighting parents downstairs in the salon of the country mansion, impatience overpowered a formerly ecstatic yet calm attitude and the confrontation was met head-on. ‘Beom, is there something you want to say?’

‘Huh? What do you mean?’ Even though the lad’s presence was only felt in the bedroom through the screen, the wondering look that would have appeared on a tanned face could almost be seen. Well, sight perceived the mental picture of Jaebeom as the kid that could look so questioning, so puzzled yet astonished by the world.

When not looking like a big grumpy cat.

It looked like some things still needed to be spelled out, although that tends to happen when it comes to men because some evidently need clarity. Withal, this does not mean that more explicit explanations always lead to positive outcomes. 'It’s just a hunch, but it feels like you have something to say.'

For a solid ten minutes, there was no answer. Henceforth, defeated by the radio hush likely signifying a chance of reconnecting was already lost, the bedchamber also functioning as an office was left in favour of acquiring a warm cup of coffee. Sneakily, to avoid the unworthy bastards roaming the lower floors. Luckily, the mission leading to the kitchen was successful, going back and forth without bumping into anybody.

A moment devoid of unjustified harm.

The relief felt at the fact of having avoided additional damage and the sensation of warmed fingers clamping a steaming mug of caffeine, returning to the room unscathed to a response from halfway across the globe, knows no likeness. It was the smallest yet sole piece of positivity gained in a long while.

Sighing with a hint of delight, a seat on the grey desk chair was once again taken, nipping at the hot drink before reading the received answer. An answer that made the liquid gold almost spill all over the keyboard. 'I heard this rumour about you coming back, so I thought I would pick up contact again. After all, how could I not if my friend will return to Korea? I mean, if it's true of course.'

That word, ''friend'', gave a sliver of hope when regarding it among the rest of the text. After the extended period of not hearing anything from the wrongful side, Jaebeom still considered the friendship established in the mochi shop and strengthened on the streets a long time ago as having survived the often destructive influence of being separated. Even though there was every right to be mad because contact was cut off after the departure.

To leave a worthless girl behind as she had him.

Notwithstanding, that was then and this was the present.

We were still partners in crime, weird as it might have sounded when pondering this thought later on the plane. 'Yes, I am.'

Over the course of the past few months leading to the email, enough money was gathered to be able to afford an own place overseas in South-Korea, in the country where the tale of two estranged saviours began, far from this disgusting house carrying the title of ''home''. Too much hurt had been had here and no more could be tolerated because, if it had not known an end, perchance the razor would have been pulled over the tender skin of the wrists a long time ago. Nonetheless, each day formed a new battle to fight, a new test to see whether the miserable faith in something better waiting in the future was true.

And it was, the long-awaited chance of escape presenting itself after hard work, pulling all-nighters editing photos and long hours contacting people in relation to jobs.

'Going back to Siheung?' Memories of the days our parents would go to the city together and take us with them to walk along the harbour and have a picnic in the Siheung Lotus Theme Park resurfaced, sight obscured by the phantom of lush blooming flowers and genuine laughter filling ears that had heard nothing but spite once the apartment next to Beom's was left behind.

A plausible assumption were it not for the fact it was not the planned destination of return because of the need for new experiences. Besides, a drastic change of life would perhaps keep the demons at bay long enough to figure it all out and find a definitive flight from them. 'No, I’m actually moving to Busan. The sea might do me some good.'

Despite living on a big island, never had the pleasure of living by the sea or any kind of water been experienced. Furthermore, due to the love of the child for the ocean forming part of today's persona, it was rather quickly decided to move to the harbour city of South-Korea.

'Really? I do so happen to live there too.' It was an odd thing to read and had to be reread word by word twice before the meaning of it became clear.

A reunion.

We could see each other again.

The anticipation accompanying the realization made the corners of the mouth curl up into an uncharacteristic delighted smile, the most sincere grin that had been formed in a long time. For all that was known, the boy with skin like honey still lived in the town that held shared memories yet now we had the chance of creating novel ones together as we would begin anew in a foreign place.

We would try again.

Together.

A fresh start with you will hopefully make me forget this hell. You always managed to take the pain away.

'You moved?' Eagerly, the rest of the story behind this sudden revelation was awaited, sipping on the caffeinated beverage of the gods that, naturally, had the opposite effect of the intended goal of bringing calmness to the enthusiastic composure.

'After grandmother passed away we moved to Busan because the south is cheaper. Dad found work there after he was fired.' The tranquillity nullifying the excitement set in, albeit it not thanks to the drink but by means of the curious absent sign of news about the city boy's mother, which struck as rather odd since the cheery lad used to talk about the lovely, according to the brightly told stories, woman all the time. The same went for the grandmother who basically raised Jaebeom, so seeing such a short notice about the dear old lady who always brought handmade mochis to us and made extra ones while we ran around town felt weird as well.

Putting the half-empty ceramic cup aside and with a sense of oppressing hollowness, the part that felt alive ignited the ideas of being to blame for not being there when a friend was obviously needed to help deal with the sorrow. Digits hovered above the keys, doubtful of what to write in response since nothing could be deemed sufficient in conveying the sincere apologetic feelings.

Eventually, they settled on typing out the idea that seemed to be the best of them all in that regard. 'I know it is too late, but I'm sorry for your loss. How is your mother?'

'I don't want to talk about it. I can pick you up from Gimhae if you want. You don't want to get lost, do you?' A dark thought occurred and directly it was understood why there was no elaboration on the situation concerning the two women.

They abandoned him as well.

Forced by Death.

A grim repeat of the goodbye nine years ago.

I should have been there for you and I wasn’t. Jaebeom, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But maybe I can make it up to you. I have to.

Maybe over time, there will come a moment to open up to willingly talk about it, but until then there will be no questions for they also have the potential of ruining the chances of righting the unintentional wrongs of the past.

The heavy topic was disregarded in favour of something positive. Skimming over it felt selfish in spite of silently agreeing to do so, especially because of the urge to stay afloat a bit longer. Swim a bit longer in an amiable reality before sinking down the dark spiral again come morn after a night of , hopefully a few hours of nightmare-filled sleep. 'That is much appreciated. Maybe you can show me around the city a bit?'

'I am already looking forward to it. I have to go now, but I'll certainly talk to you later.'

In the days after that digital re-encounter despite the abyss of separating miles, we almost spoke on a daily basis to talk the details of the future journey through, Jaebeom inquiring by mail multiple times like Mother Goose if all the essentials had been packed and at least double checked. Still as caring as always beneath the tough exterior, so it would seem. It felt just like the good old days, as if nothing had changed aside from having grown older.

That was at least already one thing that made it feel like the right decision had been made and gave cause for hoping that many of those tender moments would come to pass.

A correct assumption.

Partially.

Now that work has been taken up as a photographer, there is the freedom of going wherever is desirable. It is unlimited, empowering. And, as it would seem, the road that preluded a return to the only place in the world that could truly be called ''home'', in spite of being the daughter of a British-Irish couple.

Father is an ambassador for the Crown who was stationed in Siheung, where he and his wife bought an apartment in a quiet street filled with independent shops among which was a little rice cake shop run by an old lady. The place where Mother gave birth to a daughter.

It so happened to be close to where Beom lived with his parents and grandmother. Next door, in fact. The tall tough-looking boy with the goofy smile and slight overbite obviously showing when aggravated was the first friend ever made and most likely the only one. Nobody across the seas has ever been deemed worthy to be called thus nor has stayed long enough to even pass the unconscious assessment.

Just before high school would start, Father was called back to England and since his daughter was done with primary school, it was insisted upon a return to the island nation was made. The days in anticipation of the change of scenery were filled with protest, none of them to any avail, because what could a little girl truly accomplish alone? Henceforth, the United Kingdom was travelled back to and ordained the vicious punishment of having to spend the rest of a life that would soon turn miserable there. All the while dreaming of going back someday and escaping the aristocratic hell.

Thanks to an education at home and the embassy, where a private teacher was hired to provide lessons, it was possible to skip a year in high school since the mind was ahead of everyone else’s. Because of this, a bachelor in English could be achieved early at London University, completely according to the wishes of the gruesome puppeteers.

Such was the plan in any case, until the passion for photography was found and it was decided to pursue a career in that, spiting all the expectations of a future that had never been created at one's own hand.

Finding a good and trustworthy agency to work under proved somewhat difficult, but after putting multiple hours fuelled by coffee into online research one that was looking for freelancers was found and applied to. After sending in a barely existent résumé and visiting the agency for a second interview, it lead to being hired so that now the job of a freelance lensman is proudly added to a fairly short curriculum vitae.

Nevertheless, thanks to some well-paid assignments, and a little bit of help from the man and woman who once served as legal guardians, it was possible to leave the native country and depart for the second home in the world.

The only shelter from the ever-lasting storm of reality.

At long last, it was finally possible to return to the grumpy though sweet-hearted Siheung boy.

#GOT7 #GOT7 fanfiction #JB #Jaebeom #Im Jaebeom #GOT7 x OC

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starsaboveyouadoption · 4 years

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deep space - stage 2 (part 2)

When I embarked on the process of adopting a child, I fully expected the process to be intense. I had done my research, spoken to others who had gone there before me, and I’d had years building up to this decision to reflect on whether this was going to be the right path for my partner and I, and if I could cope with it. So it wasn’t a huge surprise to me that there was a lot of “homework”, or that I would have to talk about some tough subjects, or that I’d find it stressful from time to time. Although I will always feel sad about the “limbo” state I was in for years while I processed my feelings about my infertility and how stuck I was in my depression associated with it, what it did provide me with was a lengthy amount of time to really consider if this is what I, what we, wanted, and by the time we picked up the phone to make our first enquiry, we were committed. What I was surprised about, even in light of this, was just how far reaching the assessment was, the types of questions that arose throughout the journey, just how in-depth myself and my partner would need to be about areas of our life that sometimes we didn’t think about very much consciously, or were painful to think about, or even that we just hadn’t figured out what our views were on yet. Although, as I’ve stated, the process is intense and requires a lot of emotional intensity, I never felt I was being asked to do something without a reason. I could connect the dots as to why I was being asked certain questions, and they were always handled with great sensitivity and care, with the purpose explained. Yes, you will hear horror stories, but by and large, I have always been heartened to know how the vast majority of prospective adopters have formed strong and trusting relationships with their social workers and have been held in a safe space to have some difficult conversations. I decided to include this blog because I think despite being someone who is quite emotionally open, I think it would have helped me to be prepped for the types of topics I may need to reflect on in advance, as some of them may be areas I wouldn’t have guessed, even with all the preparation I thought I’d done. As I say, none of this was in any way asked irrelevantly or intentionally to make me feel uncomfortable, and actually, I didn’t really feel uncomfortable throughout most of it. I understood why I was having to do it. However, I did have weeks where there was a bit of a residual effect on my mood and emotions after having discussed a particularly personal topic, or due to the fact I’d been asked a lot of therapeutic questions about an area of my life I may have tried to not think about for a long time, and I think knowing that some of those things would come up would have made me forearmed. I also am aware that not everyone applying to adopt will have the personality to discuss their emotions and life experiences out loud very often, so it can ask a lot of someone who is particularly private.

So below are the types of subjects you are likely to encounter during your stage 2 interviews. I have included the types of prompt questions my partner and I had to both write, and subsequently discuss with our social workers. It can appear daunting on one page but do remember this process is happening over a number of months, and in the context of a supportive working relationship with someone who is willing you to succeed and responsible for putting you at ease. So I hope that when reading, after you get over some initial surprise at some of the topics, this provides you with an opportunity to get thinking about these things now in preparation.

Life Chronology

Usually at the beginning of the process, you will be asked to compile what is essentially a timeline of all key life events. This helps the social worker to provide a “roadmap” of your life at a glance for panel, and to contextualise where adoption fits into this for you. This will be quite a factual document, including:

· Address/house move, education and employment history

· Births and deaths in the family

· Your parents’ relationship (e.g. marriage, divorce, birth of your siblings etc, any custody agreements etc)

· Relationship milestones (e.g. significant adult relationships, moving in together, marriages, separations, pregnancies etc)

· Significant medical issues and procedures, including infertility related issues

Family Structure & Genogram

What it says on the tin. You’ll be asked to provide a family tree with DOBs etc to help panel understand the structure of your family. If your family is anything like mine, with multiple divorces, step-parents/siblings and ex-step parents etc, this can get pretty mind-boggling!

Pen Picture

This is a fancy way of saying a brief profile that describes you (and your partner) in a nutshell. This forms the first page of the PAR and helps panel to “see” you. It will also be used to build your matching profile post-panel. This is a very simple one pager comprising of:

- Your names, ages and occupations

- Length of your relationship (if applicable)

- The strengths you bring to adoption (special life or professional experience that supports your approval)

- Your immediate neighbourhood and amenities for children (e.g. good schools, green spaces etc)

Family Background/Childhood

Throughout the process, you will be asked to reflect honestly and extensively about your own childhood, how you were parented, and how this formed your world view. A trigger warning that should you sadly have experienced trauma such as childhood abuse or neglect, your social worker will need to help you to work through discussing this as it forms such a relevant aspect of how you may approach adoption, and the life experiences you are bringing with you. Please remember again, that social workers are not interested in perfection and you experiencing trauma in your past will not be judged as a character flaw against you, rather a strength that will help you to empathise with the types of backgrounds adopted children come from. However, this aspect can be gruelling if it applies to you, and some agencies will offer counselling to help you process any emotions and fears this may bring up for you. My siblings and I had a very difficult relationship with my father (who I am not estranged from), who was abusive, and so I had to delve into this in a lot of depth, which was probably the single most tough thing for me throughout. It brought up a lot of buried feelings I’d put aside since having therapy a few years earlier to process it. Luckily, our social worker made me feel very safe in this area. Something you may find uncomfortable is being asked to be reflective on your own parents’ parenting – the good and the bad. This may feel disloyal, but really is just a way to help you reflect on what you would or wouldn’t do differently, and how your own experience of being has formed your parenting style. Expect to be asked things like:

- What did your childhood look like? Who provided your main care and what was their parenting style?

- Were there other significant adult relationships in your life? If so, what impact did these have on your growing up?

- How similar or different were your parenting styles?

- What have you learnt about your own views on parenting from the strengths and weaknesses of your parents’ approach?

- How was your relationship with your parents (including any traumas, difficulties, or testing times in your relationship)?

- If relevant, what work have you done (e.g. therapy) to process difficult feelings associated with any childhood trauma?

- What did discipline look like in your home? How do you feel now about how effective this was? What are your stances on corporal punishment (e.g. smacking)?

- What were your sibling relationships like? How did this impact your childhood? What roles did you play in your family?

- What are some key happy and unhappy memories associated with your childhood? How were difficult times dealt with as a family and what did you learn from these?

- How did your childhood shape your view of your culture? Did you experience any racism or other prejudice growing up?

- If you were adopted or in care yourself, how has this impacted your self-image as an adult?

- How emotionally open was your family? How were big feelings dealt with? How was affection or disapproval expressed?

Parenting Capacity & Experience

You will explore your experience looking after children to date, and how well this has equipped you for adoptive parenting. I’ll go into this in another blog, but as part of the process you will be asked to gain experience outside of immediate friends and family relationships, looking after children in the age range you are seeking to adopt, unless you happen to have vast personal or professional experience in this already.

- What is your childcare experience both within, but especially outside of immediate family relationships?

- What learning have you taken from this and how has this helped you to prepare for adoption?

- Do you have any experience interacting with children with additional intellectual, developmental, or behavioural needs?

- How do you expect adoptive parenting to differ from birth parenting?

- How do you plan to parent children who may have experienced significant pre-natal, or childhood trauma and/or neglect, and with difficult life stories?

- How will you support your adopted child to understand, celebrate, and process feelings about their adoption and birth family?

Matching Considerations Form

This is a huge area, and so I will be focusing my next blog on the minefield which is deciding which backgrounds you may be comfortable adopting children from. Because this is such a sensitive issue and is one of the areas I’m talking about where it brings up lots of hard issues you may not ever have thought about, I wanted to do it justice, so we’ll come back to this next time. Essentially this is a form that outlines your views about adopting a child from a number of potential scenarios.

Education

A picture of your schooling and educational experiences:

- What was school/education like for you and how has this impacted you as an adult?

- What was your parents’ approach to education? How much importance was placed on educational attainment when you were growing up?

- What are your own views on education and parents’ involvement?

- How were your teenage years at school? Did you experience any difficulties which impacted on your schooling such as family divorce, bullying, special educational needs etc? What did you learn from these?

- Have you gone on to study for further or higher education? Have you completed any training or schooling as an adult?

- How academic were you as a child? Which areas did you thrive and struggle in?

Employment

Much like the education topic:

- What is your work experience to date? How did you get into the type of work you do now?

- What was your own parents’ approach to work/their work ethic? How did this rub off on you?

- What specialist training have you completed as part of your vocation?

- Which skills and knowledge have you acquired which is beneficial to adoptive parenting?

- What are your plans for returning to work after adoption, and how do you envisage work changing?

- How do you plan to balance work and parenting responsibilities?

- What are your career ambitions and how might adoption affect these?

Health

As outlined in another blog, you will be asked to be seen for an in-depth medical as part of stage 1 clearing. If you have reached stage 2, it’s likely that health issues are not seen as barriers to adoption, but you may need to reflect on their impact on your life and ability to parent. In the case of infertility, you may, like me, be asked to prepare an overview of your infertility journey, any associated treatment or procedures, and how you came to arrive at adoption. Also:

- What is your overall state of health? Are there any particular health issues or diagnoses that you manage on a day to day basis? How does this impact you and your ability to parent? What support might you need?

- How healthy is your general lifestyle? How active are you and what is a typical diet in your household?

- What is your approach to handling life stressors such as unpredictability and change? How can you reflect on how you’ve coped with this previously and any impact on your physical or mental health?

- Have you ever undertaken therapy for mental health concerns, and how has this impacted on you?

- How would you describe your emotional resilience? What self-care strategies do you have in place?

Your Relationship with your Partner (if applicable)

If you are single, you may be asked to reflect on previous significant relationships. Generally significant would mean where the relationship was long-term and included commitments such as living together, engagement or marriage, or children/pregnancies. If this applies to you, questions may be slightly adapted but for those applying as an adoptive couple, you will spend a lot of time throughout the process discussing the history and resilience of your relationship. This is one of the areas which surprised me in its depth, but obviously with hindsight it is designed to assess how resilient your relationship might be to potential stressors placed on it by adoption. Social workers are looking to see how your relationship has been tried and tested throughout your time together, and how you have worked together as a couple to overcome these hurdles. It’s likely that you will be interviewed separately at some point – this is not to “catch you out” but merely to give each of you your individual space to reflect on your relationship. You’ll meet questions such as:

- What is the story of your relationship? How did you meet and how has your relationship developed? What commitments have you made to each other?

- How do you see the future of your relationship and how do adoptive children fit into those plans?

- How do you spend quality time together? What types of things do you enjoy doing?

- How do you display affection and emotions to each other as a couple?

- How might adoption and parenting in general impact on your relationship?

- What do you see as the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship? How do your personalities combine to complement or challenge each other at times?

- What are your views on sex, intimacy and faithfulness? How is sex discussed in your home and what impact may parenting have on your intimacy?

- How are gender roles framed? Who takes responsibility for what, and how are finances arranged? What are your expectations for division of parenting responsibilities upon adopting?

- How has your relationship been tested and what did you learn about yourselves and each other through this time? How resilient has your relationship proved to be under stress?

Your Support Network

Social workers are interested in who you can rely on in your circles to support you through this time, both throughout your assessment and beyond into your life as parents. You will be asked to complete something called an “ecomap” which is basically a visual of key people in your life and how you see them as supporting your journey. This is likely to include your personal referees. It will be no surprise I’m sure that adopters (including me!) would say that there tends to be a vast difference between what your core support network might look like now, and how it’ll really look when you’ve adopted so it’s worth considering how this might change:

- Who are your key relationships with and what form of support do they provide (e.g. practical, emotional etc)?

- How might these people support you in adoption (e.g. providing childcare, a listening ear etc?)

- How have these relationships been tested over time? What impact might adoption have on them?

- How are you at asking for help when you need it? Who has time told you you can rely on when the chips are down?

- What forms of community groups or support do/could you access?

- What levels of disclosure are you comfortable making to these people about your child’s background, and how do you wish them to handle this information, including if your child was to ask them a direct question about their adoption?

Lifestyle

This is to get a sense of how your life looks now, and any potential impact your adoption may have on this. Also just to give a well-rounded view on who you are as a person in order to support your matching profile in the future.

- What is your financial situation? Are you financially comfortable, in any debt etc? Do you have any savings you could call upon in a rainy day or if you couldn’t return to work as early as expected?

- What are your outgoings? How are these likely to change after adoption?

- How is money discussed and organised within your household?

- How do you spend disposable income if you have any?

- What is your local neighbourhood like? What’s available there for children of your desired age?

- What hobbies and leisure pursuits do you enjoy?

- What are some of the “unwritten rules” of your family/household that an adopted child would need to navigate (you will get support to think about this and there’s an interesting exercise in prep training around this!)?

- What is your attitude to health, diet and exercise? If you have any lifestyle factors around food such as being vegan or cultural beliefs etc, how would you cope with a child who may present with no experience of this, or a disordered relationship with food which may compromise this? How willing are you to compromise on some of these ideals in the early days? (It’s worth noting an extremely common issue in adopted children, even those adopted at a young age, is disordered relationships with food. This can be borne either from exposure to unhealthy diet in birth families, real or perceived scarcity of food, or identity issues around having come from a background of poverty which may leave an adopted child to feel there is “not enough to go around”. Many adoptive parents report their children may at times steal food, argue with siblings over food, present with disordered or rigid eating habits picked up from birth family or care, or insecurity about not being fed (based on real experiences or knowledge of having been deprived when younger. As an adoptive parent, you may need to consider how you would cope with these behaviours and build a sense of stability and reliability around food. You may also be asked to compromise on ideals around diet when your child first comes home).

Pets (yes, really!)

I mentioned before about a pet assessment. Largely this will apply to cats or dogs and is a relatively straightforward screening some time in your assessment to check there are no concerns. Usually nothing to worry about but may include:

- Your pet’s temperament – how do they respond to being treated roughly by children, and is there any history of aggression?

- What is their routine?

- Do they have any health conditions which may pose a risk to a child?

- Hygiene factors such as food and toileting

Becoming Adopters (or something to this effect)

You will spend a lot of time analysing your journey to adoption and your understanding of how adoptive parenting will differ to mainstream parenting:

- How did you arrive at the decision to adopt and how did you know it was right for you?

- How would an adopted child fit into your family, and what is your wider family’s understanding of the issues adoption presents?

- If you have birth children, what are their feelings about welcoming an adopted sibling?

- Have you thought about the impact that a child with significant physical, learning or behavioural difficulties, or a child who has experienced trauma may have on your family dynamic?

- What decisions have you come to about the types of children you would wish to adopt (check out the next blog for more on this)?

- What is your understanding of the backgrounds of children placed for adoption?

- What do you consider to be your strengths and worries?

- How will you support an adopted child to develop healthy self-esteem, and to understand their past? What is your understanding of the lifelong impacts of adoption?

- How will you approach protecting a child who may be extra vulnerable to risk factors such as risky adults? How will you promote safety (e.g. internet safety, stranger danger etc)?

Identity, Culture & Beliefs

You will be asked to reflect a lot on your personal belief system and the impact this might have on adoptive parenting. This may simply include the values you place importance on, or may be informed by more complex factors such as your upbringing, place of birth, cultural or ethnic heritage, and/or religion/atheism. Social workers will be interested in how you frame your identity, what this might mean for your expectations of how a child would behave, or beliefs they would be brought up to subscribe to…and most importantly, how you would respond to an adopted child who may not conform to these, or come from a vastly different heritage, or simply make different choices to yours in life. You’ll be encouraged to think about:

- How important is it to you that your child adopts your faith/lack of faith and associated cultural and religious practices? How would you respond if they reject these in later life?

- Do you feel able to adopt a child who comes from a different heritage to your own, and who may come from a birth family who practice a different religion or belief system? If so, how would you celebrate and acknowledge their cultural identity?

- Have you considered any additional layers of complexity that may arise should you adopt a child from a different ethnicity to your own? For example, social stigma or racism they or you may experience as a family? How do you plan to address this?

- Do you have strong beliefs relating to gender roles and sexuality? How would you feel about your child disclosing that they are transgender or that they identify as gay, bisexual or another sexuality? What belief systems may your child encounter around this in your friends and family circle and/or religious community?

- How would you support your child to celebrate their birth heritage, even if this is in contrast to your own culture, beliefs and heritage?

- How would you support your child to develop their own sense of identity and value system which may differ from yours?

- What is your understanding of the additional challenges that may be faced by a child who is adopted into a family of differing cultural and/or religious heritage – or who identifies as LGBT either now or later in life? What is your understanding of how this may interplay with existing identity issues arising from their adoption?

- How will you support your child in openly discussing their adoption, birth family history, and time in care; help them deal with feelings of shame, grief or loss; and support them in researching more about their birth family should they wish when older? What feelings might this bring up for you?

Phew!! So that, in a nutshell (I’m not sure “nutshell” is the appropriate term for an entry this long!!) is what you can expect from your stage 2 interviews. I hope this has had the desired effect of preparing and exciting you rather than sending you running for the hills! Next time we’ll be zooming in on how to reach decisions on the backgrounds you feel able to adopt from, to inform the matching process.

Until next time!

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