#videogamebacklog
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I am sitting on the couch and it's 2 AM. I am hating myself and angry and tired. I have tried going to bed and as night falls every evening I pace my floor trying to figure out if I need to start driving to the emergency room. I have done so twice before. I am alone, utterly alone and so very tired of being a prisoner in my own body.
I turn on my switch and I play Celeste. I beat the Mirror Temple - I am trying to balance a feather to help Madeline breathe in a cutscene.
The feather is severed by Badeline. You are such an idiot. Did you think breathing would help? You're not doing it well enough and it's your fault you're in this mess. Why would you even try to rest?
Madeline falls from the mountain she was climbing. She is at the absolute bottom--surrounded by green vegetation. I am crying. My progress didn't matter either.
I make peace with the night. I make peace with the fact that I will not fall asleep. I will open my Panic Attack Manual in my flower journal. It's bookmarked with a receipt from Walmart. I had called my dad in February desperate for some answer so I could sleep. He had me get a couple things from the store and I cocktailed them together so I could pass out, exhausted. Each page in the journal from a past Cassie writing to future Cassie that she made it through, that you're still here -- you will write one too. Progress doesn't matter. Save files get overwritten.
I make peace in the bathtub - 100 deaths later, falling from ledges, getting smashed into a wall by a Mayan face statue, bouncing into purple pink crystals, running out of stamina. I am sitting in the water hoping that it can stop my body from shaking and spazzing. Imaginary fever, complete betrayal from your own mind.
Madeline meets Granny who says she's never seen someone more angry at themself. That anger should propel me forward into finishing the mountain out of pure spite. That I should confront Badeline on why she is so scared.
Am I scared? I hope it's just fear. But when I think back on that time, I think of someone so tired. Did I even have the energy to be afraid? Am I really that far away from that period of time now, that I have dulled all that pain. I was so angry too. I was so very angry at it all.
Maybe I can climb the mountain.
I believe Badeline when she says she can do deeper. That she can pull the character into the center of the earth. I relate to her so much in the moment.
I begin to fight Badeline. I die constantly. Each screen a new challenge and the game pulling out every punch. A boss fight.
The music is hype, I'm winning and figuring out each challege. To borrow from another beloved pixel art character: I am filled with determination. I dodge, jump and leap my way down - I feel like a God. My brain wants to work with me - my brain WANTS to work with me.
My brain is trying to keep me safe-- but my brain doesn't know when I'm safe. I have to talk to it directly -- trick and pursuade my brain to know what I know: I am safe.
My brain is trying its fucking best, and I can't be afraid of feeling its anxiety.
I level up.
I can do more know - I can be more now. I accept that my little me might always be on edge, but that she is sometimes right. She has saved lives, she has kept me so safe after so much harm. I can climb a mountain.
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Finished! Took me a while but it was all worth it. Arguably one of the best games released last year! 馃榾 #videogamesislife #videogamebacklog #octopathtraveler2 #nintendoswitch
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Pokemon Update! I freaking lost my Gameboy Advance SP and my Pok茅mon Blue that was in it. I have absolutely no idea where they went. They're supposed to be in my room or in my dad's van as I take it to attempt to play in the car on the way to work without falling asleep. I just got to the seafoam Islands too 馃槶馃槶馃槶. I'll just have to continue Pokemon Red in the meantime. #Pokemon #gameboy #videogames #videogamebacklog #gamebacklog #gamerproblems #nintendo #retrogaming #Pokemonred #pokemonblue #gameboyadvancesp #gameboyadvance
#gamerproblems#pokemon#videogames#gameboyadvance#gameboy#gameboyadvancesp#retrogaming#nintendo#pokemonred#gamebacklog#videogamebacklog#pokemonblue
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Finally beat The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask just in time for The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild for Nintendo Switch. I always thought I wouldn't like this game and part of me was right. The time limit really goes against the way I play games. I like to experiment and explorer and the time limit goes against this. The dungeons were really good and I really respect this reskin of Ocarina of Time. I hope one day to play this game with a guide to better enjoy it. I in no way saw or did everything.This game has some really good parts. #Zelda #link #majorasmask #nintendo #3ds #thelegendofzeldamajorasmask3d #skullkid #oot #breathofthewild #botw #zeldatimeline #videogamebacklog
#nintendo#3ds#botw#link#zelda#videogamebacklog#thelegendofzeldamajorasmask3d#zeldatimeline#oot#majorasmask#breathofthewild#skullkid
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I am in blockbuster. The video game aisle is cartridge after cartridge. There are no reviews to pick up a game, no idea other than the rating on the bottom to tell me it's safe to play. I see the monkey game.
Monkeys are en vogue at the Hopkins house. TJ is called monkey, and he talks about monkeys. I see the polygon shaped monkey on the front of the case: Ape Escape 2.
I have not played Ape Escape 1.
I will, forever from this day, get Ape Escape and Monkey Ball confused in my head.
This is the level I remember the most -- probably due to the loch ness dinosaur creature. I prefer this Nessie to the Mario 64 one. I will hop on top of this dinosaur and ride it around, forgetting to look for monkies.
Hypothesis: I enjoy idle time in video games. Always getting to the goal has never been the way I play -- side quests always get the better of me. I like to be in the environment, to exist as the character living in their reality.
Understanding the foundation of these elements in my life is fascinating to explore.
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I am a kid, plugging in the PS1 and throwing on Hot Wheels Turbo. We have an enormous, and I truly mean gigantic, box TV. If you are close enough to it you can see small ridges in the TV Screen and you can take your nails and rake against it making a velco-like noise. This is the TV that we will have movie nights by squishing the couches together and making a big cushion bed.
The intro to this game plays and I think it is the coolest shit I have ever seen. It's maxxed out at 360p on Youtube. I bet it looked so fucking terrible. I have a wild grin on my face as I sing "I see red". A metal raised child through and through, I cannot escape my Led Zeppelin roots and jam out to this banger.
My dad will say "gimme fuel gimme fire" and I will say "gimme double shot desire". To this day, I have no idea if those are the actual lyrics.
I think I faintly recall some sort of debate on the phrase between me and my brother.
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Nana's basement, surrounded by disney characters and a box TV. It's a holiday, or a Sunday, and I'm sitting in the white fake leather chair with silver metal brackets for the back. As I age I'll slowly feel bigger on it, but I will remember when it felt normal for my back against the metal ridges. Several cousins will watch me or none at all. As we get to the jungle level, we'll play with the color dial and watch as the game turns from green to pink, from pink to blue. I always say I'll beat the game before someone announces from the stairs that it's time for dinner. Sometimes it happens, most of the time it doesn't.
I remember that room very well -- the Mario guide in the drawer, the SNES 3D posters of Mario World. The cartridges were to the left, all clunky in their plastic. The 64 was to the right. We'd crouch in the triangle corner behind the TV and switch the wires around when we wanted to change consoles. I didn't know the word console yet when I was there. The carpet is brown and there is always noise. This is my childhood. A simultaneous escape from the pack by having Lion King at my disposal. Knowing no one else really played it but me, it felt mine.
I am in college, come back home for my Nana's funeral. I am aware I don't get a walk through of this room ever again. My mom makes sure I get Lion King. She never watched me play--or maybe she did and I never knew. But she at least grab this game for me in the wreckage of grief and loss of both this environment and the person who held it all together. I drive by the house sometimes, imagine its memories ripe with ghosts for the next owners. I wonder what the game room looks like now.
I am in my own basement, I am little again. I am playing Lion King on the SEGA Genesis. I will note the differences in sound effects and 8bit soundtrack when I bounce back and forth between this and the SNES. I say I prefer the SEGA but I don't think that's true. I have beaten Scar. I do not have the internet yet to know how to flip him, I am a button masher first and foremost and woefully unaware for many years of the notorious difficulty of the game. I also find out later of blindfolded speed runs, and smile as I think about a little girl closing her eyes and running these levels in her head awake and before she dreams.
I am in high school, in a purple room with splatter paint and sharpie and high school notes staples to closet doors. I slide open the left side to reveal a small charcoal TV and the SEGA. Thomas is over. He feels weird in my bedroom but we make do. I have paint cans stacked in the corner. I accidentally spill pink paint onto the SEGA. I am mortified and in terror I have broken the game. The console remains functional. I note my carelessness and move the paint cans. The room is shades of green now.
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I guess starting at the beginning is a good way to start this blog out. I forgot what a funky fresh track this ice skating world had.
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Can I beat all these games (that I've already started but haven't played in a couple of years) this summer? Let's find out!! #summerbacklogchallenge #summerbacklogchallenge2017 #gamerthings #consolepeasant #ps3 #nintendo #gameboy #nintendods #videogames #videogamebacklog #gamebacklog #masseffect #demonssouls #ratchetandclank #ratchetandclankacrackintime #dantesinferno #nier #saintsrowthethird #resistance3 #infamous2 #infamous #Pokemon #pokemonblue #Pokemonred #pokemondiamond
#summerbacklogchallenge2017#demonssouls#resistance3#pokemonred#dantesinferno#pokemon#nintendo#saintsrowthethird#gamebacklog#pokemonblue#masseffect#nier#videogamebacklog#ratchetandclank#consolepeasant#nintendods#infamous#gamerthings#gameboy#infamous2#pokemondiamond#ps3#summerbacklogchallenge#ratchetandclankacrackintime#videogames
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