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myaekingheart · 4 years

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kakashi for the ask game! :D

Oh this is gonna be dangerous xD (and also really fucking long I’m so sorry lmfao)

send me a character and i’ll list...

favorite thing about them It’s so hard to pick, but I think his resilience. Kakashi has genuinely been through hell and back and yet he keeps going. His character development in Naruto is one of my absolute favorite things, the way he starts out as this seemingly apathetic but deep down very guarded character who ultimately grows to love his students and make peace with his past and finally find some happiness. He’s the man who lost everything and still keeps going and maybe it’s just because I, too, am a depressed bitch but that’s always bee super comforting to me and felt very reassuring. Like if Kakashi can hit rock bottom but pull himself up out of that pit and find happiness and success, then so can I.

least favorite thing about them I don’t even know if I have a least favorite thing about him. I honestly love everything about him. I guess the closest thing I can get to a least favorite thing would be that I wish we saw more of him goofing off and having tons of fun like when he and Guy raced in Shippuden. Hearing Kakashi laugh and joke around was just so good for my soul.

favorite line Oh no there are so many, I can’t pick just one. My favorite contenders are: “Leaf Village Secret Finger Jutsu: One Thousand Years of Death!” “Behind this mask...is another mask! Pretty cool, huh?” “I’m telling you this because you don’t get it. You think you get it which is not the same as actually getting it, get it?” “Those who break the rules are scum but those who would abandon a comrade are worse than scum” “I won’t allow my comrades to die. I’ll protect you with my life. Trust me.” “It’s like an acorn.” “Sorry I’m late, I’m afraid I got lost on the path of life.” “Sorry I’m late, a black cat crossed my path and I had to take the long way around.” “For those who follow the path of revenge, it never ends well. You’ll only tear yourself apart and even if you succeed and you get your revenge, what will you get then? Nothing. Emptiness.” “So it looks like neither of us have led a charmed life exactly. But still, we’re not all that bad off. At least you and I have found new comrades to help fill the void.” “Calm down, Naruto. Slow your breathing down” (mainly because this scene just gets me every time as someone who has had severe panic attacks for twenty years lmfao) There was also another “sorry I’m late” excuse that I don’t remember exactly and cannot for the life of me find but it was from a picture I saw somewhere, looked like it was maybe from a video game? Where Kakashi said something to genin Naruto and Sakura about the path of love or something? And they’re staring at him flustered pointing insisting “That’s...a lie!” Like I can recall the image clear as day in my head but I cannot for the life of me find it.

brOTP Hands down Guy. I mean, I ship them, too, but I just really love their friendship especially. Guy just really brings out the best in him and provides this really nice foil to Kakashi’s personality. I genuinely think Kakashi would’ve been done for if not for Guy’s loyalty and optimism. Their friendship is so fun and the two of them together never fail to make me smile.

OTP Does my KakashixOC ship count? Because if it does, then that’s my OTP. I have spent way too much time and energy on their relationship for it to not be. That probably sounds super cliche and maybe a little Mary-Sue-ish but I don’t even care, Rei and Kakashi are my magnus opum and I love them. I’m also just really, really proud of the way I’ve written their relationship. So much of their bond is informed by my own relationship with my fiance, and I think my own experiences have really evolved my understanding of what real intimacy in a romantic relationship looks like. It’s not so much about flowers and chocolates and date nights as it is about caring for and comforting the person you love, spending quality time with them, making them laugh and smile, being 110% yourself around them, and providing for them in their times of need. I have never written a relationship so real and specifically raw before, and there’s a lot of intricacies that I’ve worked in as well, that just overall make me incredibly proud of the progress I’ve made on their story, and proud of the story I’ve been creating for them in general. But if an OC ship doesn’t count for OTP, I really like Kakashi with Shizune, Guy, Yamato/Tenzo, and Iruka.

nOTP Oh god I have quite a few. I really don’t enjoy focusing on negatives nor do I want to start ship wars so I’ll keep these explanations brief. I can’t stand Kakashi and Sakura, the mere thought of it makes me *this close* to puking. I take big issue with ships in general between characters that met when one of them was a child and the other an adult, though. It just comes off incredibly pedophilic to me and makes me nauseous. The other big ship I take issue with is Kakashi and Rin but that’s more of a personal issue because their relationship, and Rin’s character in general, hit way too close to home (in a very warped and psychotically symbolic way) to some really traumatic stuff I dealt with in the past that took me years and lots of therapy to deal with, and it still trips me up to this day. It’s not anything that anyone in fandom has done or anyone who ships Kakashi and Rin with each other, it’s just a matter of me noticing parallels between the ship and my own trauma that make it incedibly hard for to tolerate content of it. Just to tack these on, as well, but I also really dislike him with Hanare from the filler episode and with Kahyo from the book Lightning in the Icy Sky. The romance with Hanare just felt really disingenuous to me like I can tolerate it, but it’s not my favorite. And as for Kahyo, I blame bad writing. The fact that the book was referring to her as “the woman who has Kakashi’s heart” literally within like two pages of them meeting really pissed me off. I couldn’t even finish the book so I can’t even speak on the rest of the relationship but I just got so turned off by the entire story in general because the romance was so unbelievable and abrupt. I feel like anyone who has read my fic, though, likely has picked up on my opinions on these, though. Not that I’m writing ship hate or anything because I’m not, but there have been little plot points here and there that have kind of touched on my feelings on these ships.

random headcanon I have way too many but here’s one of them, I guess, though this is more a musing than a headcanon. I think, when the war is over and Kakashi can finally catch his breath, he goes through a bit of an identity crisis as he comes to terms with the fact that he no longer has his sharingan. After all, he had Obito’s eye for almost twenty years. Learning to function without it is going to be incredibly difficult but not only that, so much of his identity was founded on his secondhand sharingan. Who even is he without it? Does he even recognize himself anymore? And how can he ever live up to the reputation he’s garnered over so many years now that the source of all of his power is gone for good? Yes, he was a prodigy before the sharingan and he is still capable without it, but it’s going to be a big change and take a huge toll on him and his perception of himself.

unpopular opinion I’m glad Kakashi has never been given an explicitly canon love interest. Honestly, I don’t want him to have one. As much as he deserves to find love and start a family with someone, from a fandom perspective I much prefer him being open and available. It creates a much more flexible interpretation of him and his love life so that we, the fans, can write him however we damn well please and I think that’s pretty fantastic. I think it’s safe to say that Kakashi is one of if not the most heavily shipped character in the fandom and everyone has very strong opinions on who he belongs with and even how he idenifies from a sexuality perspective. I can only imagine the uproar that would come from finally giving him a canon love interest because you absolutely cannot please everyone. In a way, I feel like Kakashi is just a character who belongs to all of us. He is something different for every single person in fandom whether that’s someone to look up to and seek guidance from, someone to protect and root for, someone to relate to and find comfort in, someone to love and/or lust after. Or in my case a precious emotional support ninja husbando. I don’t know if he would’ve had quite the same effect on fandom if he had been canonically shipped with someone from the get-go, but I’m grateful that he never was and I hope he never will be so he can continue playing the role in fandom that he has been for so many years. That probably sounds selfish, though, but I just really want him to remain a character that belongs to all of us and is not inhibited by canon in terms of who he loves and how he identifies.

song i associate with them Again, there’s so fucking many so I’m just gonna list some of my favorites. Sign by Flow Friendships by Pascal Letoublon Hospital for Souls by Bring Me the Horizon SCARECROW by My Chemical Romance Disguise by Motionless in White-- this is a big one, especially the line “sick of wearing a mask, sick of hiding my face, sick of every motherfucker that is in my way, sick of digging for answers while you bury the truth, fuck your method to my sadness, I will bury you” like it just reminds me of ANBU Kakashi specifically, but overall his character development in coming to terms with his past and crawling out of his depression, too.

favorite picture of them Again...there’s multiple x_x

#long post is long #i am so sorry lmfao #thank you for asking! <3 #kakashi hatake #naruto #my precious ninja husbando #ask memes #answered asks #kamek #ramblings

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roxannepolice · 6 years

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Rey as a Mary Sue, Harry Potter and Sonya Marmeladova - yin-yang and drama in a space opera

Listening to an/i-reylos, an/i-bendemptionists and general sequel haters may be far from conventionally pleasant, but I would be a liar if I said I don't enjoy doing it from time to time. Sometimes one can just laugh their ass off while listening to the so-called theories, but confessedly I enjoy encountering some stronger arguments because they allow me to reexamine what got me hooked on reylo or what dynamics in the sequels caught my attention. Here, I would like to focus on Rey and two arguments used against her and reylos: that she's a "Mary Sue" and that reylos reduce her character to saving Ben. I'd also like to mention a relatively new discourse, one induced by the force bond, and comparing Rey's and Ben's connection to that between Harry Potter and Voldemort.

The Mary Sue discourse

There's a plenty of videos and metas explaining who is a Mary Sue and even if they don't mention Rey, anyone with half a brain will get that the criteria don't apply to her. She has spent her life as a scavenger on a desert planet, there's no way she wouldn't know how to fight, and as far as jedi skills are concerned, we have the force bond to thank for that though obviously a good deal of audience doesn't acknowledge this element.

But let's face it, most people use the term Mary Sue to describe a character that's flawless to the point of boring. And even though that assessment of Rey as a character is wrong as well, a good deal of viewers describe her as difficult to relate to, especially if compared to Kylo Ben. Her character can make us feel uncomfortable because of how good, forgiving, hopeful, gentle yet fierce, kind, compassionate, beautiful, brave and deservedly loved by everyone she meets. We almost feel ashamed of confessing we have problems relating to her, because we know we would never be as strong as she is. She's a compassionate jedi like Luke yet noy whiny like him, a fierce woman like Leia yet without her pride, a orphan pilot like Han yet less inclined to escapism, talented like Anakin but so much more selfless. Of all characters in the main saga she seems closest to Obi-Wan, and tbh it's the apparent resemblance that's the only reason Rey Ken0bi ever came to be, and Padmé, only Rey doesn't take Ben's bs like Padmé did Anakin's.

I'm not gonna lie, it can be a little infuriating, especially if you're whiny like your uncle, proud like your mother, escapist like your father, an egoist rageball like your grandfather and you have your grandmother's fabulous hair but don't get the appreciation due, you keep ending up on your knees before what everyone expected you to be but you never got to be and essentally are head over heels in love with her.

Before progressing I would like to make a digression regarding Rey's resemblance to Padmé and Obi-Wan. Some time ago a very accurate point has been made that reylo is what an/dala would have been if Padmé demanded of Anakin to put himself together instead of comforting him after Sand People massacre. While this point is very accurate, again it makes Rey - a 19 year old orphan from a desert planet whose interactions with other people were likely limited - more emotionally mature than Padmé - a 20 something year old elected ex-queen, galactic senator and leader of opposition who grew up in a loving family. The rub in this juxtaposition, that I agree was intentional, is that Padmé had many reasons to believe Anakin was a good person and one, albeit massive, to believe otherwise, whereas Rey had many reasons to believe Kylo Ben is an evil person and only one, and not so massive, to believe otherwise. As far as Rey's resemblance to Obi-Wan is concerned, once Rey Ken0bi got debunked though still to a smaller extent than ReyS/y and the discourse is far from dead, audience could no longer put her jedi composure upon genes and, similarly to Padmé, it turns out she is as emotionally mature as a paragon of jedi training gone right, taken away from his family early enough to be able to put general interests before his own yet provided with enough care from the mentor to not get dry hearted.

The problem is that in a story telling us The greatest teacher, failure is we have not yet seen the protagonist fail at anything. Reylos could say she failed at bringing Ben back to light but that's through no fault of her own, contrary to Finn, Rose and Poe. It seems Rey doesn't have anything to reconsider about herself, no fatal flaw to fight, no problem balancing light and dark side in herself, she could best anyone and if she doesn't then only because she's too good, humble and forgiving, nothing to learn courtesy of force bond and sure to overcome every temptation thrown her way.

I can understand people who'd say that's boring. Now, a frequent counter-argument is that there are plenty of male heroes about whom all of the above could be said, yet everyone loves them and no Gary Stu discourse appears. And I agree, there's a good deal of sexism in the critisism towards the sequels. That being said, for my own part, I find such male characters much more boring and unrelatable than Rey and don't applaud the attitude that says let's repeat all of masculine culture's mistakes only now done by women.

it's not that I don't like James Bond movies I love them I just can't relate to him as a character

But the difference is, (pseudo)Gary Stues have completely different stories than I hope Rey will have. Every drama involves a struggle of opposites that's why it's called a drama and you can't drop or banalise the manicheism in a story that keeps rambling about light and dark side of the force. I mean, you could, but that would be highly anticlimactic. And the question is, is that struggle external or internal.

Ralph Fiennes would totally nail a shirtless scene The Rey Potter discourse

Following TLJ and the force bond a good deal of an/is interpreted the force bond as having the same plot use as the bond between Harry Potter and Voldemort. And indeed, there are quite a few similarities, the fact that Rey "downloaded" Kylo's training like Harry did parsel speech and bad guy bringing this hinderance through his own arrogance being the most visible ones.

But of course there are also many differences, the fact that Voldemort never provided Harry with genuine comfort and Harry never had a scene where he flushes at the sight of Voldemort's oiled tiddies being the most obvious ones.

The point is, when destinies intertwined come into discourse, it can only mean two things for a proper drama: they'll end up either killing or marrying each other or both in some order. And for all narrative apparent it seems to make more sense that Rey and Kylo will end caught up in the former.

As I already mentioned, some of the features of a good drama involve the protagonist overcoming external and internal obstacles, gaining knowledge about their opponent and themselves, and finally a struggle between opposites that can be either external or internal. If the struggle is above all external, the hero can be allowed relatively few internal dilemmas because the ultimate catharsis will be external as well - and such is the case with Harry and, hitherto, Rey.

I'll try to avoid making an impression like I don't like HP, because that's simply not true, I love those books and characters. But Harry does face relatively few dilemmas for a protagonist of a seven part story (though still much more than an 18 year old should have faced, but that's a bit off topic). His struggles are first and foremost between what is easy and what is right, rather than what should be right and what is right and could actually appear easy. The most dramatic case of the latter is his going to save Sirius, which of course results in tragedy but is also one of the most important lessons Harry gets in his struggle with evil embodied by Voldemort - it shows him his adversary's cunning, how dangerous their bond is and how important it is that he learns to control it.

And that's for all appearances Rey at the end of TLJ, especially if you remove Snoke from the picture - because what he did is indeed very similar to what Voldemort did - and assume Kylo was the mastermind deceiving everyone including his master all along. If we assume Rey had an inherently bad idea in wanting to save Ben, that it was a result of deceit, then we have everything a good hero should have encounteted: an orchestrated dilemma taking advantage of hero's flaw of overheroicness from which she emerges wiser and more experienced in her fight with her adversary whom she had accidentally strenghtened in the process.

It's not that Harry's journey is completely dilemma-free but he always has an advantage over his opponent, a power Dark Lord doesn't know - love. And again, reylo dynamic seems to tick the box - Rey has twice chosen love over power and Kylo has twice chosen power over love, so clearly she will always be safe from his tempations because she knows a superior magic he doesn't - and the fact that she preserved it in a loveless life and he didn't in a life of love shows just how inherently differnt they are from each other, despite all surface similarities that JK also played with. She could never join the man who's killed her father figure and hurt her friends for the same reasons that Harry would never join the man who killed his parents. And that would make perfect sense - if the struggle in Star Wars was primarily external, like it is in Harry Potter.

yes, I abuse the all knowing Moriarty gif but it's very good for metas

Star Wars do excellent job at making the struggle between opposites both external and internal, external being the political subplot and internal the force sensitive protagonists subplot. There is no element that will provide unmanipulatable moral counsel, like love in Harry Potter. In Star Wars, in the last trilogy episode, the protagonists are indeed faced with a dilemma between what is right and what should be right. Anakin, despite all possible and canonic deceit, is essentially faced with a choice between letting his wife die and bringing the destruction of jedi order and republic. Luke, on the other hand, is faced with a choice between killing his father and letting live the dragon that has been, and would for all appearances stay, a menace to the rebellion - and Vader again faces a choice between his loved one and his allegiance. AND THEY BOTH HESITATE.

So, essentially the question that needs to be asked is whether the eventual dilemmas of Star Wars' trilogies are presented to trilogy's Skywalker or its protagonist that hitherto happened to be a Skywalker.

The Sonya Marmeladova discourse

As I explained above, there's a plethora of reasons to believe that in terms of destinies intertwined Rey and Kylo appear to be heading for killing rather than marrying each other in a struggle between light and dark that is only external. But of course there's even more reasons to believe that won't be the case at all, what with all shirtlessness, yinyang imagery and balance ramblings. Rey and Ben will or already have fallen in love and Rey will wait for her destined counterpart to get himself together so they can bring the gray jedi order together. She's a perfect person for it, with her patience and knowing how to fix broken things. No, she won't save him because that's not her job at all but she'll wait like a beacon of light she is. Of course, she also won't kill him because it doesn't make sense.

Almost like she doesn't have anything to do in her story and was a character constructed just perfectly to fix let the character that actually has loads of inner struggles and flaws to overcome fix himself.

Do reylos make the sequels all about Kylo Ben? Well, I'm not gonna lie, I've seen posts saying sequels are a story of bendemption from Rey's perspective, basically Crime and punishment from Sonya's pov, up to having her follow him to Syberia. Alternatively making her another chosen one figure which not only tends to end up beinf the laziest way of saying I don't care what you think or storytelling tells you, that's the protagonist but also makes force basically go ok, Skywalkers f*cked up, these desert planet orphans, I don't like them,

The problem is that the general reylo perspective assumes Rey has no grave mistakes to commit and no more great dilemmas to face, considering she's already determined to wait for Ben while keeping resistance in the best moral direction. Yes, she rejected him in the Throne Room, but that was but a tempation, not a dilemma. An/is, on the other hand, can say that her mistake and flaw she overcame was trying to save a man who has no love or light in him - but of course, if that was her gravest mistake, epix is heading for a Harry Potter rather than Star Wars ending. which is boring

Now, I know that there's a tendency in modern discourse to reject the drama in favour of messages, so basically epix stays Crime and punishment in space only Sonya just is the most important character as the most morally unfaltering one and morally unfaltering characters deserve to be protagonists, not the idiot drama queens making mistakes of their own accord and not forced by external circumstances. But guys, the purpose of drama of 3 thousand years has been catharsis and only secondarily morals. I can read about ethics anywhere and understand that trying to stop destiny will only lead to its fulfillment (another notion rejected by much modern fiction) from experience - experiencing sympathy for a good man led to killing his father and having sex with his mother is something I hope never to encounter in real life yet the emotions are worth it.

The bottom line of all this ramblingn, beside refuting some of the an/i discourse, is that I'm practically sure by this point that Rey will be faced with a really dramatic dilemma in epix - and something in my head says she may even make the wrong choice. <dramatic look since I've run out of available photos>

#reylo #rey of jakku #rey #kylo ren #ben solo #bendemption #save ben solo #star wars #episode ix speculation

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hansoloschubbybrother · 6 years

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My Opinion On The Last Jedi...For What It’s Worth

Having just watched The Last Jedi again and having seen way too many YouTube videos from people who hated the movie, I just had to write down my thoughts on it because I disagree with so many of the things that people hated about it.

It wasn’t perfect but, on the whole, I still think it is a great movie, mostly because of the choices made regarding the story arcs for the main characters.

But before I get into that though, I’m going to confirm some of the things where I can agree with the haters. Firstly, Mary Poppins Leia. It’s a nice idea that, by being blown into space, Leia’s survival instinct kicks in and enables her to use the force in a way she hadn’t before but I thought it looked awful and by just not having her blown into space in the first place would have been better. The moment with Kylo Ren deciding not to shoot would have been more poignant and instead of Holdo being needed, Leia could have remained in charge and Admiiral Ackbar could have been the one to sacrifice himself by using light speed to obliterate the First Order fleet, giving him the noble death such a character deserved.

Just on that whole using light speed as a weapon thing, I’ve listened to people using it as another reason to put down the film, saying that if it was a plausible weapon it would have been used already so having it in TLJ doesn’t make sense. Rian Johnson or someone had a cool idea that looked great in the movie and if other people involved in previous movies had thought of the idea then I’m sure they would have used it too. It was a great moment in the film and people need to stop trying to find reasons to dislike the movie that aren’t there.

Next up is some of the humour. Whilst I enjoyed some it, overall it felt a little out of place in a good Star Wars movie and harked back more to the prequels. It may have been an attempt to appeal to children, but I felt the same way about Luke milking that animal and going fishing and the way BB-8 is used. In the original trilogy, R2-D2 would never actually ride a AT-ST, he may have found a way to control something by interfacing with a computer terminal but not actually driven something himself. This step toward children’s comedy was just one of the reasons I mostly disliked the prequel trilogy and wasn’t necessary here either. The original trilogy didn’t have that and it didn’t stop those films from becoming an obsession for most children at the time.

My final gripe about TLJ is the over arching story of the slow chase. Not only does it seem silly that the First Order would need to wait to destroy them, it created the need for the whole Canto Bight scene. I enjoyed Finn and Rose’s scenes when they were on Snoke’s ship and I also enjoyed DJ as a character, but they needed to find a better way to make that all play out. I really enjoyed the film’s opening battle with the dreadnought and the end battle on Crait but the story they created to get them from one place to the next was very underwhelming.

In spite of these issues, I still really enjoyed the film and that was mostly because of how they developed the story of each of the main characters. On the whole, I thought they got this spot on and is generally where I seem to differ hugely from many of the online posting star wars fanbase.

I will leave Luke until last as I think his treatment in the film is what has caused the most hate from the fanbase, not least from Mark Hamill himself. Instead, I’ll start with Rey as she is probably the character where there is the most common ground. Undoubtedly for me, Rey is far too much of a Mary Sue. As the central character of this new trilogy, this is not great film making. If they needed her to have these abilities/skills from the get go, they shouldn’t have made her an orphaned desert girl at the start. The journey they needed her to make was too far, too soon. I know they are trying to explain how this is possible by saying that she basically downloaded Kylo Ren’s skills but it’s not very believable. This said, I don’t actually believe that TLJ is what makes her a Mary Sue. This problem is one created by TFA. In TLJ, she doesn’t actually advance her skills set a great deal, other than to move a bunch of rocks, which is Jedi Training 1.1. Therefore, this is not a problem with TLJ, it’s the knock on effect from a big failure with TFA…which is not the last time I’ll say that.

We then have the issue of Rey’s parents, the source of much speculation between the two films. I mentioned in a post I wrote after the film came out that I’m glad that her parents are nobodies. Star Wars is a vast galaxy, why does she have to be some blood relative of an existing character. It would be difficult to realistically explain that she is a relative of one of the key characters from the original trilogy and very unimaginative. It is far better that her heritage broadens the Star Wars landscape, not enclose it furthermore. For those that wanted her to be a Kenobi or a Solo or whatever, there is always the possibility that Kylo was lying. Rian Johnson did, after all, include the mysterious but unresolved scene with Rey and the mirror thing on Ahch-To. So for me, it was a positive that Rey’s parents were nobodies.

Finally for Rey, there is her connection with Kylo Ren, which brings me to another aside. Many people are up in arms that Rian Johnson would use the force in a way that they have never seen before but for me this is just ridiculous. It’s a sci-fi fantasy film. If you can extend your disbelief in the originals then why not now? The Jedi’s are supposed to have kept peace for thousands of years and we have only followed a handful for a few years but somehow we have seen the force used to its fullest extent. Come on now. You wouldn’t have worried about this as a child, so why now? It’s totally not important and totally possible.

Anyway, back to Rey and Kylo. For me, their connection is the most interesting arc of the new trilogy and using the force as a way to further develop this relationship was an important reason as to why I enjoyed the film. Without that, they would not get the chance to interact as frequently as they do, thus removing important character development. Many people, have said that it is not realistic that they would feel some kind of connection after knowing each other for such a short space of time but I see it completely differently. Maybe it’s linked to personal experiences when it comes to relationships but, to me, it is perfectly plausible that two people with so much in common and who both share the same insecurities would feel an immediate connection. They are in the same position as each other just on different sides of the force. It’s natural to feel drawn to someone who is going through a similar experience to yourself, so that you don’t feel alone and for support. For me, their relationship is an intriguing way to consider the force and how idea of light and dark sides exist.

This leads us nicely onto Kylo Ren. Many people disliked the fact that in TFA he was basically a power brat. For me, I was immediately drawn to this idea that we are seeing the proper development of the main bad guy. His journey in this trilogy is much more what I was hoping to see for Anakin’s journey in the prequel trilogy. Unfortunately, in the prequels, we a got a few brattish comments and then he basically became a full on bad guy after a short conversation with Palpatine/Sidious. Kylo Ren’s character development is far more considered than Anakin’s. He is a powerful brat but, especially because Adam Driver is as good an actor as Hayden Christensen is bad, you can understand why. You can also see that has not completely turned to the dark side, that it isn’t a switch. This is developed even further in TLJ and, as I said before, I have enjoyed his development and how his character has mirrored Rey. Kylo Ren has become my second favourite character in the Star Wars universe after his father. I enjoyed how he first appears to be a Darth Vader clone, evening looking up to his Grandfather, but then falls way short. I enjoyed the line TLJ when Snoke reminds him of this and tells him to remove his helmet. I suppose some people don’t want to see their bad guy go through some dark coming of age story but I think it makes it much more interesting.

It is the same reason why I thoroughly enjoyed that Rian Johnson just killed off Snoke. No back story, no big bad, just everything opposite to what people might have been expecting. For me he was Sidious 2.0. A powerful bad guy who we thought was going to be defeated at the end of the third film. To me he was unoriginal and another reason why TFA was described as a love letter to the original trilogy. He felt very “Star Wars” but that was it. People felt short changed after Snoke’s back story was ignored and became insignificant but thought it was exactly the right decision. He played his part and moved aside for Kylo Ren to become the main bad guy for the second half of the trilogy. On the subject of his back story, I just don’t get this obsession with needing to know everything about every character’s back story. We never got that in the original trilogy. We didn’t get told a single thing about Darth Sidious. He was just the powerful bad guy that ruled the Empire. We didn’t need to know more and we didn’t care. That we got to learn more via the prequel films was great but it wasn’t a vital part of the story that was missing from the original films. This is the same with a whole host of other characters from Jabba, Boba Fett, Lando and even Han and Chewie. Why do people now suggest that the new films lack characterisation or some shit because we don’t know the back story of every character? It’s just not necessary.

Poe was another character whose story arc has been criticised. When I first watch TLJ, I also thought that having Leia and Holdo hold back their plan from him seemed like a stupid decision but this felt more and more reasonable with each watch. In order to avoid him being just another boring hero pilot character that destroys lots of enemy ships and always survives, Rian Johnson clearly wanted him to have some kind of journey to help develop his character. It makes total sense to me that a hero pilot would have an ego that is too big and gets in the way of strong leadership decisions, so Rian Johnson develops this through the film, from Poe unnecessarily sacrificing lives and ships to destroy the dreadnought at the start, to his demotion and subsequent exclusion from leadership decision and then redemption at the end by choosing to pull the Resistance fighters back when they’re being picked off easily on Crait. I can’t help but think that having two women leaders decide not to let the male hero pilot in on the plan goes against male sensibilities in this situation. He’s the hero, the man and, in all previous eras, would be the one who knows what the right thing to do is. The truth is, that if it were two male leaders and a female hero pilot who was denied knowledge of the plan, we probably wouldn’t bat an eye-lid. Is it feminist politics unnecessarily introduced to Star Wars? I don’t think so. It’s not forced down our throats, just used to help develop what could easily become a boring character.

The final character I’ll focus on before Luke is Finn. As mentioned before, I enjoyed his scenes on Snoke’s ship with Rose and Captain Phasma but really didn’t like how they got him there. It’s a shame that it made his character seem marginalised. The only part I did enjoy was how DJ made him question his defection from the First Order and whether there is a good or a bad side in war. This is quite deep stuff for a Star Wars film and quite political but I liked that they asked these questions and it seemed fitting that Finn’s character be the one to contemplate these ideas. Again, it’s a shame they couldn’t have found a better way to do it, that made him more integral to the story.

Finally, we come to Luke. More than anything else, it’s people’s comments about Luke that get me shouting at my screen. Maybe it is because I was never drawn to Luke as my favourite character as a child but, for some reason, I just don’t see things the same way as all the haters. For me, Luke’s story through TLJ needed to follow on from what we were told in TFA, in a manner that is both realistic to how you might think someone would react having been through that experience and also realistic to how Luke, the character, would react.

So, what were we told in TFA? We learnt that Luke is in hiding and has cut himself off completely from his family and friends as a result of the part he played in the failure of his Jedi Academy and turning his nephew into Kylo Ren.

This leads me to the first of the things that annoy me about some of the arguments laid at the door of TLJ and Rian Johnson. People claim that Luke would never abandon his friends and cowardly hide away and cut himself off from everything. This idea is played out in TLJ but this story was clearly set in motion in TFA. If people can’t believe Luke would act in this way then be angry at JJ Abrams because it was his idea. Rian Johnson continued Luke’s story from this situation because it’s the only place he could have started from.

Next is to decide whether Luke’s reaction to what has happened is a realistic way for someone to respond. This is obviously subjective but his failings have led to the creation of a potential new Sith Lord, the death of many young fledgling Jedis, the estrangement of his nephew from his family and the break up of his sister’s marriage to his best friend. This is quite a heavy burden bare, considering this is on top of how someone would naturally feel after failing so badly. Imagine someone is revered as a hero around the galaxy, a new Jedi Knight to help bring peace. Your self-esteem would be sky high. You would be pretty happy with how your life is panning out. It is clearly absolutely plausible that someone could react to what happened the way Luke does in TLJ. If people were happy to believe Luke’s set up in TFA, then they have to accept that someone could react the way Luke does. I believe that this is a far more likely way that someone would react than to remain positive and not question your beliefs and the part they played in what happened.

Therefore the question is whether Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and hero of the galaxy, would react this way. Clearly many fans and Mark Hamill say he wouldn’t. I just don’t see how they can come to this conclusion based on his actions in the original trilogy. The main argument I hear is that he was a great Jedi who saw the good in Darth Vader and defeated Sidious. This just doesn’t stack up I’m afraid. How do we know Luke is a great Jedi? He was only taught by Yoda for a little while and clearly never finished his training. In fact, choosing to be so loyal to his friends was against his Jedi training. Additionally, he beat Darth Vader, not by being a great Jedi but by turning to the dark side and using anger to fuel his fight with him. Vader threatened Leia and he threw anything Jedi out the window and got plain mad. This made him a hero but certainly not some grand Jedi. Then we come to Sidious. Luke didn’t defeat Sidious at all. Seeing the good in Vader pulled him back from killing his father but he was about to be killed by Sidious. It was Vader/Anakin who killed Sidious. So, Luke was a hero, a bastian of hope but he was not some infallible human or a Jedi dedicated to their code. If anything, he was the first grey Jedi. For me, the fact that he felt so strongly for his family and friends is a reason why he would have reacted the way he did when he caused it all to go to shit.

People have also suggested that Luke would never think, even for a second, about killing his nephew. Again, I just don’t have this picture of Luke as all things light and good. He is not so squeaky clean that when faced with the prospect of a new Sidious or Vader and acknowledging that he is not able to control him, that, for a second, he wouldn’t think that right thing to do is kill him. Everyone has thoughts they shouldn’t have for just a split second. Again, why is Luke any different?

It seems to me that people who loved Luke in the originals can’t face the idea that he is somehow a flawed human being and a flawed Jedi. This character that they idolised as a child is actually a human and not some unrealistic hero type. For me, it gave Luke something interesting to contribute to this trilogy. Did people who hated it just want Johnson to forget what was set up for him in TFA, something he is criticised for in other areas, and suddenly have Luke forget all about why he was where he was? Was he supposed to return to the Luke from the original trilogy just because some girl he doesn’t know turns up with his old lightsabre? That would have been bad film making in my eyes, not good.

Another criticism is that he died a coward. I just don’t see it that way. Was it cowardly to hide away? Possibly but, as mentioned, this wasn’t Rian Johnson’s fault and also not an unrealistic way for him to react to what happened. Having been put in this position, you then want Luke to redeem himself and I thought he did that. As the film progressed, he slowly became his old self. First he saw Chewie, then the falcon and news of Han’s death, he then agreed to help Rey a bit, then he saw R2-D2 who played him Leia’s recording for Obi-Wan and finally Yoda’s force ghost helped him come around. There was a progression to his arc and, in the end, his actions were both brave and saved the day. He would have known that using the force to project his image for all that time would lead to his death but that it was necessary to save the rebellion. His death gave hope, renewed the idea of Luke the idolised hero, and then echoed the death of both Obi-Wan and Yoda, so was more than fitting, especially with the twin suns setting. I thought it was a great way for him to “die” and not at all cowardly. He will almost certainly be back as force ghost in IX as well.

As before, anyone moaning that force projection has never been done by a Jedi in any other material, needs to open up their imagination a little. Also, if Luke is supposed to be such an amazing Jedi then surely he could find ways to use the force that others before him hadn’t.

My final point about Luke, and of this ridiculously long essay about a film, relates to how people have criticised the idea that Luke could ever feel that the Jedi order needed to end, the idea that an order that kept peace for thousands of years could ever need to move on or evolve. I can’t believe people even say this without thinking about our own history. Religion, the British Empire, slavery, etc have all been institutions used over 100s of years to keep peace and maintain the powerful but there always comes a time when life and people learn and move forward. They find better ways to live. The Jedi might have kept peace for 1000s of years but in the recent past, and Luke’s understanding, they have not kept the peace, they have only been one side of a conflict. Luke would be absolutely right to reflect on his Jedi beliefs and could easily be correct in his new found stance that the Jedi need to end. He comes round again at the end of the film, when he corrects Kylo that he is not the last Jedi, but in my eyes his questioning of the Jedi order is not only right but interesting and made for a great film.

#the last jedi #why I liked it #why those who hate it are wrong #be warned #very long post

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mojorising74 · 6 years

Text

I am a Monster. Let me tell you why.

So, I have had many people really want to know why I didn’t enjoy The Last Jedi and I’ve held back answering because the film is fresh and I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s experience. I did post a four word review of the film on Facebook (”That was... not good.”) and I was stunned to discover that this opinion was not a popular one. Literally stunned. So stunned I actually began to question my own thoughts on the film.

And taking some time away from the film and considering all the moments in the film I can recall, (I’ve only seen it once) I’ve decided to alter my review.

That was... really not very good.

So, here we go. I’m gonna break this down in the order as it was experienced by me. I’m not gonna go back and edit this, so I apologize for typos. But I really don’t want to spend any more time on this then I have to. This feels like my eulogy to Star Wars. And I don’t want to linger here.

First off, the opening crawl. This is a weird one, contested by many, except those in the theater with me. The crawl was slanted, drifting slightly off to the right of the screen. It was weirdly noticeable by everyone in my group. We were slightly off to the left of center in the audience, but measuring the distance at the top of the screen to the scroll on our side vs the distance on the other side made us feel really confident that that the scroll was in fact slanted. Like, Rian Johnson was putting his own slant on things (I see what he did there). Or maybe the projector was tilted. Either way, I missed the entire opening crawl because my brain opted to obsess over this detail. I’m willing to accept most of the responsibility here, but yeah. Slanted crawl pulled me out of Star Wars and made me think about how crawls were shot on a plate and how easy it would be to tilt the camera to give it a new cinematic flavor and blah blah blah. Basically the slanted crawl had no bearing on my overall enjoyment of the film, other than I had retained nothing from the crawl going in and the movie was going to have to stand on it’s own cinematically, with no summary backstory.

Good or bad, in the interest of full disclosure, I present this fact for your judgement.

Yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of review.

Right off the bat we get the first ESB call back of an evacuation shuttle leaving a planet while the First Order looms in the background. From the trailers, I’m already expecting an AT-AT walker snow planet battle, so immediately I’m put on the defensive that the film is not gonna learn from criticisms of The Force Awakens and is going to attempt a rehash of “greatest hit” moments from the greatest Star Wars film. George Lucas referred to this as “poetry” when he recalled certain elements in the prequels, saying “They rhyme.” The new films seem to be seriously leaning in to this theory, but it feels like fan service rather than nuanced storytelling.

I’m disappointed by this but it is in no way a deal breaker. Back to the movie.

Poe, by himself with no squadron waiting, decides to face off the First Order’s new weapon (The Dreadnaught) by flying his tiny x-wing to meet them. We are then subjected to a laurel and hardy routine sponsored by Verizon Wireless, where General Hux is made out to be a total buffoon and completely incompetent. (People will remember that one of everyone’s favorite part of the prequels was how the robot army was totally incompetent and easily out smarted by our clever heroes. Or, the opposite of that.)

But this scene also made me wonder about the intelligence of our hero as well. He flies out to meet the star destroyers and only then does he decide to charge up his boosters for his daring plan? “But Carl, he was playing it by ear!” No, the generals on the resistance ship clearly know what his plan is and disapprove. So, Poe actively decides to show up for this fight completely unprepared. But whatever. That’s a nit pick. I know that, but these things start to weigh on me. See, it wasn’t a story element that he needed more time to charge the boosters, it was a purposefully extended scene to stretch out a “can you hear me now” joke at the sake of plausibility.

Disagree with me? Think of the scene like this.

Hux gives his speech about how he will not take prisoners (instead of just shooting the guy out of the sky which would have delivered that message so much more succinctly).

Poe says his first line “I’m holding for General Hux.”

Hux looks confused for a moment, but quickly realizes he’s being played. “Blow him out of the sky!”

Cut to: Poe’s ship where his engine charge is ready and he blasts off and away.

All the same story beats with a quick, satisfying laugh that doesn’t stop the story or undermine the competency of the characters involved.

Speaking of competency, that brings up my next note. Poe is a fucking Mary Sue. Holy shit. The next sequence of Poe destroying ALL but one of the cannons recalls one of my least favorite moments in Force Awakens. That one shot where Finn is watching Poe fly around bulls-eyeing something like NINE tie fighters and several ground troops without even breaking a sweat. It sets up this ridiculous expectation, that either Poe is that much better than everyone else in either the Resistance or First Order, making everyone else depressingly bad at their jobs, or him impossibly good. Either way, it’s lazy story telling.

We’ve seen good pilots in both of the previous trilogies, all of them having force powers to help them fight at elevated levels, but I’ve never felt, watching any of the other films, that one pilot was enough to single handedly sway any battle. Battles in the previous films always felt epic and sweeping. Poe feels like an OP video game character. The kind that inspires patches to reduce his power because he kills the fun of playing the game and takes away the sense of menace from the foes he faces.

So, we’ll skip the next few nit picks; (bombs “falling” in “space”; why are space bombers slow when there is no gravity or atmosphere? Why are bomb bays triggered by a single button garage door opener? Why would you waste bombers on a mission that clearly calls for a missle or.. an unmanned vehicle blasting into hyper space? We’ll get to that later cuz holy fuck.)

I want to point out that I’m getting nit picky at this point, but watching the film, I have NOT checked out. Still engaged. Still excited. There is some Star Wars shit happening and I am in for the ride! Woo hoo! Snoke is pissed and is gonna murder the fuck outa that buffoon Hux for letting the Resistance escape into hyper space.

So, the rebels come out of hyperspace and Leia casually mentions that she has a tracking device to help Rey find her way home.

LITERALLY MOMENTS LATER, the First order leaps out of hyper space and everyone starts screaming “They tracked us some how!” My brain, which has been literally processing story elements that are fed to me as they are fed to me immediately makes the connection between the First Order tracking the Resistance and the bracelet on Leia’s arm. Those mother fuckers are tracking that shit, and that means they can also find Rey, which means Rey and Luke are in danger as well. Hux even says “We have them tied to the end of the line.” And this is further cemented as what is happening when Snoke suddenly forgives Hux like he’s the best general who ever lived. Like maybe he just explained to Snoke that they found the tracking signal and he’s about to serve up Luke Motherfucking Skywalker.

Except, that’s not what happened. What actually happened is that the First order had finally perfected some 50 year old Imperial technology that was briefly mentioned in Rogue One. Hux didn’t have a clever plan that pleased Snoke. He had some technology. Technology that Snoke would have already known about. Snoke sent Hux back to work like he nailed it, when he should have been like “You fucking idiot, you are the luckiest son of a bitch in the world that you completed that technology cuz we should have finished these guys already. I’m taking a body part. Get back to work.”

And the secret space tracker that Leia had? Didn’t need it. Finn steals it briefly in a cowardly attempt to save the girl he has a crush on, But other than that, it has almost no bearing on the story. Rey uses her connection to Kylo to fly back and surrender to him. The tracker was only used as a plot device to introduce Rose, and to show Finn in a most unheroic light. Again. A familiar bell rang many times in The Force Awakens.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, because the best moment in the movie happened before this and I want to talk about it.

Kylo and the first order have caught the resistance with their pants down and they are fucking shit up. Kylo cruises in on the lead cruiser, aims at the bridge, and suddenly senses his mother standing there. Overcome with emotion, Kylo realizes that he can’t kill his mother. That doing that would mean there is no chance for his redemption. And he CHOOSES TO SPARE HER LIFE!

But oh shit, two other fighters are cruising with him and they dont hesitate to fire on the bridge. There is an explosion and Leia is sucked out into space.

Ladies and gentleman, this was possibly the greatest moment in Star Wars history. Leia was dead. Her death had powerful meaning. In the moment of Kylo’s redemption, he has it stolen away by others. His path to forgiveness destroyed. He will never be forgiven by the other characters in the film. he is doomed to fight as evil because the forces of good will give him no quarter for killing their general. He is a cursed man. His guilt will know no bounds.

I sat there in the cinema, speechless. Completely destroyed emotionally, openly weeping. Carrie Fisher leaves the film, her character arc complete, her death a meaningful and truly shocking moment in the film. Absolutely stunning.

And then she opens her eyes. And I start crying for a different reason. She holds out her hand and force pulls herself to safety, ignoring the other heroes on the bridge who were also blown out into space. She chooses to use her magic powers to save herself and let everyone else die.

Like a fucking hero.

I was stunned at how terrible this moment plays on screen. Truly stunned. Leia had literally just given a speech on how soldiers die heroes but never commanders. Her first chance to put her money where her mouth is, she ignores her own advice and saves her own skin instead.

This also gave me the stunning revelation that Leia would not be dying in this film, because as bad as Rian Johnson is at Star Wars, he’s not so bad to miraculously save a character only to kill her off later because her epic heroic death is still waiting in the wings. Knowing that Carrie Fisher had died made me feel like her character would never get the incredible exit from the saga that was just missed in the preceding opportunity. Princess Leia will die off screen between films. Or she will be digitally reincarnated. But neither of those things serve her memory or her character. The Force Awakens had a lot of missed opportunities, but none of them like this missed moment here.

Meanwhile Rey is trying to convince Luke Skywalker to come back and he insists that he has no intention of ever returning. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE A MAP TO WHERE YOU WERE HIDING? WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!

While we’re here, Chewie eating Porgs while they gather around him to ponder the deaths of their kin is nothing less than horrifying. These creatures are sentient and aware they are bing eaten, and instead of running for their lives, they stare sadly at the creature eating them. These creatures are not long for this world. This is my only note on Porgs.

They’re... fine.

Also, ghost Yoda can shoot lightning bolts? Is that something they could always do? Why the fuck are we fighting a war when theres an army of lightning powered ghost warriors wandering the cosmos. Hey Ghost Yoda why don’t you make yourself useful and ghost your way into a star destroyer and lightning the fuck out of power core?

Ghost Yoda shooting lightning fundamentally breaks Star Wars.

Moving on...

Seriously. We’re just getting started.

Back at the resistance, Finn has decided to sneak off the cruiser with Leia’s bracelet. Now, remember, at this point in the film, I’m still thinking the bracelet is the way the First Order is tracking the resistance. The whole “they must be tracking us through hyper space” plot line feels super thin and the only thing holding it to reality is a passing reference in a film that takes place roughly 50 years before this one. Remember, there is literally no reason, that I as a casual movie goer, should think that the First order has in fact figured out this new tech and are not following this bracelet instead. Nothing about Snoke’s response or Hux’s response suggest this is the case.

So, I’m thinking, fuck yeah. Finn has figured this out, and he’s gonna try and lure the First Order away by pretending he’s Princess Leia. Like a hero. This is gonna draw the First Order off the Resistance and put Finn in a lot of danger. Danger that’s gonna get super cool when Rey follows the beacon home and discovers her friend captured by storm troopers! What a crazy action packed reunion that’s gonna be!

Oh wait. Finn is sneaking off to lure Rey away from the First Order, so the two of them can be together after the resistance is destroyed, or something. Like a... hero? Is this really the conclusions a hero comes to? I mean, i get it, the movie calls him out on this, but like, didn’t we already do the “Finn is running away” plot line in the last movie? Didn’t we already resolve that he’s not a coward and willing to fight for what’s right? He knows Rey won’t be cool with this move. What the fuck is he doing? WHAT THE FUCK!

Ok, so, he tells Rose what he was really up to, and she magically understands the quantum mechanics of tracking a ship through hyper space. Finn and Rose, the janitor and the repair girl, within moments of being presented with a problem come up with the most far fetched solution that could possibly be, WHILE IGNORING THE MOST OBVIOUS PROBLEM IN THEIR HANDS (I mean honestly, even if someone had briefly looked at the tracker and said “What about this”, followed by a quick explanation and I could move on, but in the 2 1/2 hour run time there just wasn’t enough time to address this obvious plot hole).

So, Finn, Poe and Rose decide to disobey orders and embark on a mission after being told that there is only one man in the galaxy that can hack into a first order star destroyer. This man, will be identifiable by his flower pendant. That he always wears. At all times. So he can be identifiable. To people sent to him to hack secret codes. You know, just in case. Also he is always at the high stakes gambling tables. Not eating. Not reading the paper in his apartment. He exists in a constant state of high stakes gambling.

Sigh. Fine. Let’s go find this guy.

Finn and Rose leave in a shuttle and are immediately identified as a shuttle leaving the ship by the First Order but they are told to ignore the shuttle and to continue chasing the main ships. This scene is really fucking important for later on in the movie so let me reiterate on this point: A shuttle left the resistance ships and was immediately tracked and identified by the First Order. Yeah, you know where I’m going with this, but let’s just leave it here in your fucking brain for a minute, the way it sat in mine for the rest of the movie.

So, now we get a weird story arc for Rose. Rose hates everyone who lives in this city. Why? Did she live here? No. She was a slave growing up in a mine somewhere else. But rich people who live in this city built weapons from stuff the slave children mined so fuck this town and everyone in it.

This,’rich people were mean to me so I hate all rich people’ storyline feels like a super weak attempt to make a political statement about classism and suggests that future Star Wars films are going to be about the poor people rising up and defeating the elitists who are literally getting rich off of watching us kill each other. This is a clumsy metaphor for what’s happening in the world. (It also completely ignores that this city is also home to the sometimes lover of one of our main resistance heroes, so maybe not everyone is so bad?)

But fine. Clumsy metaphor. Poor people good, rich people bad. Got it.

Rose and Finn find the man they are looking for but are immediately arrested and thrown in jail. The absolute worst jail in movie history. First off, they are locked up together. But not only together, with a third person. A magic person who claims (and actually does) he has the exact skills the duo is looking for. Skills our characters have been told do not exist outside of the man with a flower on his coat.

This new man breaks them out of jail with items he snuck in (deus ex incompetence), only to discover that BB-8 has already dispatched the guards and was literally moments away from rescuing them himself. I point this out because none of the suspension of disbelief required above was necessary to get out of the situation. The movie just did it. Inexplicably. Just crammed in a moment to waste our time.

Which I suddenly realize is a recurring theme in the film. Cramming in moments that have no bearing on the story to fill time.

Fine. They escape. But they do not try to reconnect with the guy they saw at the casino. They instead decide to scrub the mission and head back. I’m weirdly on board with this because this whole plan was incredibly contrived from the beginning. Anything to get back to the story at hand.

But this new person they met in jail just keeps forcing himself on them, rescuing them at the last moment from... I’m not sure what. Going back to terrible jail? It’s not hard to break out of. They’ve already decided to leave the planet empty handed so, I’m not really sure what the stakes are for this camel cat chase scene are supposed to be. Like, it seems to be a crazy desperate escape from being temporarily hindered. Whatever. All your friends are dying in the slowest chase scene across the galaxy ever, but this action packed chase scene has almost zero stakes. Think about where you’re investing your story moments, people.

Shake it off, there is still a lot of movie to get through, but at this point, the movie is actually working against me.

Ok, so Finn and Rose escape the gambling city, leaving the slave children to be whipped and beaten for their participation in the escape, and all of the camel cats are immediately round up and returned to the stables, to be also whipped and beaten for running away. (This is proven fact when we revisit the children later on and find them still working in the stables, sweeping straw. If the camel cats were still gone, there would be no need to tend the stables and we already know the slavers are not opposed to beating the children or the camel cats.)

But hey, none of that matters cuz “Game on!” We have a hacker! Who claims he can do the thing. With zero credibility or references. But by god, this is our only hope. Cool. Lets break into a star destroyer.

I wanna pause here to point out there is a storyline happening between Kylo Ren and Rey that is STUNNINGLY good. Like it’s happening in a different movie. It’s layered and nuanced and tragic and heartfelt. Love love everything in this storyline up to the point that Kylo Ren pulls a Homer Simpson trying to murder his omnipotent son, Bart, in that one Tree House of Horror episode just before Bart turns him into a jack in the box.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4T8x7T4Vao

Kylo Ren is moderately more successful then Homer and manages to kill off Snoke by cutting him in half with my favorite move from the Star Wars video game. And then comes the dance fighting ninja guards who are TERRIBLE at their jobs. Just terrible. There’s no other way to explain what happened to human resources. The outcome of what happened in that room is going to reflect very poorly on the Royal Guard.

But the movie insists I need to watch the Rose Finn stuff so it sends me back to them sneaking onto the star destroyer, where they are immediately identified by an astro mech who spots BB-8.

Moments later they are caught by the First Order, but BB-8 is not captured. Even though he is with them and was the reason they were caught in the first place. Somehow, he isn’t captured with them. the movie suggests it’s because he is hidden under a box, but the Star Mech saw him through the box and the astro mech is present for the capture, but has now apparently forgotten about BB-8.

Sure. Fine. Moving on.

Now, I forgot to mention something because during the throne room fight, the movie felt like it was winding down, but I remembered from the trailer that Captain Phasma still hadn’t shown up in the movie and was getting worried that Phasma might be under utilized in this storyline (unless there was some big reveal coming up that totally legitimized her involvement in the film. Spoiler alert: there isn’t.)

Seriously, why is Phasma in your movies? Are you trying to make a statement about Boba Fett? That the only thing a villain needs to become iconic is a cool costume? Is this a bet you guys made with the original trilogy guys?

So, Phasma shows up, escorts the prisoners to the hangar (not the brig) in order to immediately execute them. Not interrogate them. Not hold them prisoner. “But Carl, they knew Finn and Rose would never talk so no need to question them! Also, the hacker already told them everything they wanted to know.” Ok, first, hacker John only told the First order about the ships sneaking off the spaceship. Information he was only privy to because he was allowed to be a part of a top secret mission briefing by Poe leading a mutiny against Laura Dern. And also, master interrogator Kylo Ren is on this ship. He can mind rape these kids and get all their secrets. There is NO WAY execution is the next step in the plan. Zero chance.

Hang on. Hold up. Let’s talk about Laura Dern who has picked the absolute worst teaching moment that any officer could choose. The resistance is in tatters. The main general is in a coma. Your captains are going down with their ships one at a time. DON’T BE COY WITH THE DETAILS WHEN DEALING WITH YOUR BEST PILOT!

Also, what the fuck is up with your hair and wardrobe? Purple hair? That’s it? You were like “Space movie lady? Purple hair, right?” and everyone was like “Sure. That sounds right.” Lazy lazy lazy.....

Whatever.

So, Phasma is gonna execute these fools but KABOOM! and Phasma and her troops disappear. Finn is surprised by this and decides to make his escape. But then suddenly out of the smoke comes (wait for it) CAPTAIN PHASMA!

Wha...? Where did she go? Did they all run off for a second and then suddenly go “Wait. Did we kill those guys? Do you guys remember why we came in here? Fuck. Lets go back and kill those guys before we leave. We got the order all mixed up again.” Just... baffling. They jettisoned her out of the scene, just so she could reenter the scene dramatically. Just because the shot of her coming out of the smoke looked cool. That’s it.

So, now Finn and Phasma fight. And the backstory between these two characters is thick, and by thick I mean, non-existent. Nothing feels earned in this battle, including Phasma’s incredibly lack luster “death”. So, Finn the janitor lucks into victory against the hardened warrior... again.

Man, have we ever seen Finn win a fight in these movies? Have they been trying to sell us an incompetent hero? What exactly has Finn done to help the resistance in either of these films? Is Finn the worst character in Star Wars? Talk amongst yourself.

But before you do, I want you to consider one thing. After watching the film, I was pretty vocal about how Finn, Rose and Poe’s plan did absolutely nothing to affect the outcome of the film. Their adventure was completely pointless.

But I was wrong. They did cause one thing.

On the Resistance ships, 30 evacuation shuttles are slipping away, under the assumption that the First Order won’t be able to see the shuttles. This is a stupid plan, especially since the movie goes out of it’s way to explain that the First Order can ABSOLUTELY track shuttles flying away. (Editor’s note: its been pointed out to me that the shuttles were using cloaking technology, cloaking technology that the First Order had no problem seeing past, simply by possessing the knowledge that it existed. Lazy lazy lazy...)

But let’s buy into this. The resistance is escaping, and Finn, Poe and Rose have handed a traitor over to the First Order and directly caused the deaths of 23 of the 30 ships flying away. Two thirds of the survivors were killed because Finn, Poe and Rose didn’t follow orders.

Now, this is fucking dark. Holy shit, hubris killed the resistance.

But in the next scene, Poe is leading the goddamn charge against the walkers.

YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT. You disobeyed orders that killed off almost 300 of the remaining 400 soldiers. You are summarily executed. Not the hero of the final battle. After Poe and Finn’s bullshit, the entire resistance can fit in the goddamn Millenium Falcon.

These characters are not heroes.

So, lets skip over the nit picky shit (Finn can suddenly fly a ship? When did he learn? He’s been in a coma since the last movie and one of the main plotlines of the last movie circled around Finn not being able to fly a ship. Why drop a battering ram so far away from it’s target? Why not blast the base from space?)

So, then Luke Skywalker shows up and fools everyone into believing he’s actually there, when he isn’t. It’s magic and shit. No one can touch him. (Except we’ve already established that you can indeed touch him through the void, but Nvmnd).

This scene is annoying for two reasons. One, it’s lame. Two, the director went through so many lengths to set this up. He showed a shot of Rey looking at a drowned x wing, so when Luke shows up magically at the end of the movie, folks are like, “He must’ve force lifted the x-wing out of the water and flown it here.” It was such an easy head fake explanation that utilized information the audience knew from past movies along with necessary story elements to make something believable.

There are so many head scratchingly stupid moments in this film, that it absolutely stuns me this much thought went into this sequence. To maintain my suspension of disbelief in this moment, the director offered a single well thought out visual to sell Luke’s silly plan to the audience.

So that tells me that the filmmakers were perfectly capable of taking moments established in previous films and building on them smartly. They just... didn’t.

It’s like when my teacher would give me lower marks then the rest of the class, not because my paper was worse, but because I was capable of so much more. Yeah, it seems unfair, but fuck you. Life isn’t fair. You get to direct endless Star Wars movies for the rest of your life. Try not to piss in my mouth while you do it,

Which brings me to my final example of why this movie completely fails. Laura Dern decides to save the resistance by launching a ship into hyper space directly into the main star destroyer.

Are you serious? Has this always been an option? It literally destroyed the ship with the hyper space tracker. All of the other ships could have escaped if that first bastard who went down with his ship would have done this. Every death star could have been destroyed with a single freighter. Holy shit, we could build a canon that shoots things at light speed and destroy everything.

If this has always been an option, it’s ridiculous that it is only thought of now.

Also, if the First order only has one ship that cant track the resistance ships, why not just everybody scatter into hyper space in every direction? They can’t follow everybody. if 10 ships are left, 9 get away. there are literally dozens of different ways to get out of this situation that even the most inexperienced leader could have sussed out, other than abandoning ship to everyone’s immediate execution.

Heroes are supposed to be great. There are no great heroes in The Last Jedi.

So that’s it. Not a good movie. Soup to nuts an utter failure. On par with the worst of the prequels. And once everybody has had a little time away from the film, you’ll all agree with me. Just like you all loved the prequels for a little while, until some sober son of a bitch walked up and pointed out a few failings.

And then the whole goddamn thing comes tumbling down.

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