#until my stupid joke of a country cuts away access to civilized internet altogether lol

[katyspersonal]

I really hoped that I'll finally have real Christmas this year. In my country it is on Jan 7th instead of Dec 25th, and also I've never quite... vibed with it? It is different, and very underwhelming. I've first felt the spirit of Christmas exactly in foreign internets, like... That whole bright, kind, fun thing about sharing and happiness and appreciating what you've got and good will. I've been writing very heartfelt posts in Christmas spirit for years, and drawing art for the occasion. It just always surprised me how much a holiday could've been inspiring even despite me not even being affiliated with the religion.

But I really always wanted someone to celebrate it with. Like... to actually have a real person with me in the same house, to decorate together and to cook meals together and share the celebration. Additionally, with Halloween too, because it is definitely not a thing in my country - another holiday I am "celebrating online". When he crawled back to me, spilling his bad deluded lies about how he could not live without me and how badly he wanted to share everything there was in life with me, it felt so... apparent that we could meet this Christmas together, and maybe go trick-or-treating together. I just really want to dial back to enjoying imitations of holidays like I always have for many years, and forget those foolish hopes. The one time in my life I had not only hope for the better, but a faith that things would certainly get better, the bastard just took all his words and feelings back in like, two weeks. Because he "was not thinking straight in his despair" and "made a wrong decision". And could tell that sharing life with me was "a bad idea".

I should just never let my 'hope' become 'faith'. In a way, I am used to having my hopes crashed, it is just the story of my whole life, really. But crashed faith is something that can't be recovered.

#/vent #sorry for negativity recently #it is just so hard to hold back #my friends are also just too busy/distant/aren't online at the same time to vent in private #but i was specifically instructed by one of them to 'just let it all out' instead of withdrawing and doing something bad to myself #with alcohol or whatnot #i'll just go to bed crying and wake up my usual shitposty nerdy self okay? #and hopefully i'll enjoy illusions of holidays shared online with people that celebrate them this year too #and year after that and year after that and forever more... #until my stupid joke of a country cuts away access to civilized internet altogether lol #that or the world ends because with all the disasters it might be soon enough #it feels like a curse that all people that hurt me get good lives and happy ending #but i already said previously that it is just my role in this world #i am a videogame enemy you slay to level up.