#tw:transmed

[cowpoke-morgan]

My name's BJ and I feel now is the time I come clean with my past as truscum/transmed. I figured it was time as it has been closed to 4 years since I aligned myself with those ideations and, to the best of my knowledge, I never attacked any of KG’s victims. I am making this post after hearing Moe (CopsHateMoe) talk about their experience as a transmed. I understand this is something that upsets people but I fear many young trans people have fallen for truscum rhetoric and ideations as it is incredibly easy to access.

TW before I go any further, I will talk about K*lv*n/G*rr*h (will be called KG for short), how his videos impacted my views as a transmasc, suicidal ideations, child grooming, and my own struggles internalized transphobia. You have been warned. So, let's get into it

Summer, 2014. I was 14 when I felt uncomfortable with my AFAB body but I didn't have a word of it, I later found out it was dysphoria. After a couple months of not knowing why I was uncomfortable after 14 years of living in my AFAB body, I chocked it up to having just moved from the city I lived in my whole life to a much smaller city within the school district.

Summer/Fall, 2016-17. A couple years passed, pretty eventfully and violently with my abusive step father moving out and divorcing my mom to my dad moving 3 hours away, and so I moved online, looking for YouTube after socially coming out to my friends and boyfriend groomer. I was confused why I felt this way about myself and after looking up like "transgender ftm" or something, KG's videos showed up. I followed him simply for content around his personal transition. I just wanted content about transitioning and how to go about it.

I don't remember the shift in KG's content, from "Here's my top surgery scars and how I healed!" to "Trans/trenders are ruining this community." obviously, not real video titles but if you know, you know. I was 16-17 and, surprise, didn't know any better that this new content was so toxic and the red flags were flying and bright red. I was not aware of the damage that even watching these videos had on myself let alone what the victims what through. KG would say if you didn’t experience debilitating  gender dysphoria, you weren’t really trans. Which is bullshit, because in my own experience, dysphoria is a spectrum. Somedays, it’s not too bad and I can manage and the next day, I’m unable to get out bed.

That one comment KG made about dysphoria made me feel awful, and I internalized that disgust for myself. 

“Why don’t I feel the same? I must be faking for attention.” 

Listening to KG’s transphobic comments about someone else’s transition made me feel worse about myself. Hearing him talk at great lengths about someone’s voice, internalized it as my own.

I felt awful I wasn’t on HRT, or in therapy for my transition. I was 16-17. I was living at home while my mother refused to believe me that I was trans. Transitioning at 16-17 was not an option for me.

I don’t remember which events happened first as I believe I’ve blocked these memories out but I do not remember the Lars and Milo Stewart ordeals and what they went through. 

I remember the Brennen Beckwith situations and how relentless KG was to him. How much hate Brennen got and I felt guilty. Here was someone I didn’t know getting harassed by someone I, a 16-17 year-old, looked up to. I stopped watching KG’s videos shortly after. I believed the words of an angry child on the internet. 

I did publicly support KG and his friend SR (St0rm Ry4n) on twitter and Instagram but stopped after 3-6 months. I have not watched a KG video since 2017. I did watch SR’s apology video but I am not someone who he needs to apologize to nor do I feel it in my heart to accept his apology. 

This is long and probably does not make much sense but I can’t continue to grow as a trans man without getting this off my chest and into somewhere

#tw: kalvin garrah #tw: transphobia #tw:transmed #tw: truscum #tw: sucidal ideation #tw: groomer mention #tw: gender dysphoria #long post #bj rambles #tw: storm ryan

[therealsepticshock]

I Just Thought Of Something

So the transmed community think you aren’t the gender you identify as unless you’ve had surgery. The transmed community also thinks pronouns = gender. So if a transmed hasn’t had surgery, according to the community they are in, they are their AGAB, so, also according to the community they are in, they can only use the pronouns typically used for the gender they are, which is their AGAB. Someone isn’t a ‘real transmed’ if they don’t believe in all of the things the community believes in, right? So if a transmed doesn’t want us to misgender them, they aren’t a real transmed, right?

#tw:transmed #thingstokeeprebloggingforever