#tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

fucking dick

#i failed the exam >:( #upsetti spaghetti #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

me, being sad and overthinking

#im not actually gonna get depressed again i refuse to #i cant keep being in a cycle where i go out and then have this intense drop that pushes me into depression territory #im gonna try to get a therapist appointment soon but just!! i dont know i feel so good and then i feel so so bad #and like yesterday there was a pride event at a club so i actually wore a crop top (and a flannel ish shirt but i took it off #and i was feeling good and not overly self conscious #but then we left then club and like yeah i dont love walking home alone but its like. ugly privilege #because even if i think im pretty that doesnt mean that im "pretty enough' to get harassed #which i know sounds insane and i definitely dont want to get harassed wtf #but literally the last time anyone even tried to make a move on me in public was when i was 14 #anyway. i think i could've walked home alone and been fine #tw: rant #tw: vent #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

had my first day back in school and im already sad lol

#it was a few hours ago but man did i think things were gonna be different #been hanging out with a classmate and her gf for most of the summer so i stupidly thought she'd want to hang out in school #but we barely said hi today and idk it just sucks and now i feel weird and yucky #:( #im also just generally confused and annoyed with my school rn so just overall not a great day #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

in my feels tonight 🤡

#just wish i had a gf ahahaha fuck #dating was already so hard when i was bi and now that im a lesbian??? damn near impossible #queer people seem so far away and tinder is shit and im just miserable #what if i pretend to like men so i can at least get my first kiss #i havent felt insecure about that in ages wow #well im 20 and ive had least held hands in a somewhat romantic way so there's that at least #im just :( #i wish life was different yknow #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

its been over a year and im still salty about how things went down

#forgive and forget? not me <3 #i still have beef with a guy that tried to bully me 6 years ago hdbdjs #anyway im salty and its gonna stay that way #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

oh i hate anxiety i hate it so much >:(

#friend asked if i wanted to spend new years with them but idk if they genuinely want me there or is taking pity out of the fact #that id be spending new years alone if she didnt ask yknow #and its like. a hangout with her and two of her friends so i just. i dont know #:( #i mean she is the best and would get it if i asked if it was through pity but also i feel like she would lie abt it to not make me feel bad #im definitely for sure overthinking this but i also want to genuinely cry #because iiiii dont know what to doooo #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

you know when you spend like one day too many on your own and your world falls apart

#im just on my couch listening to my sad playlist and quietly crying to myself #logically i know i should ask someone to hang out but i just cant #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

need someone to tell me to not catch feelings for this girl again i literally cant do it

#hhhhhhh i hate it #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

lowkey skipping class vibessss

#not feeling good so im staying home but i feel super fucking guilty for doing it :) #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

I've been feeling too good these past two days, anxiety just had to come and nerf me

#im sure she didnt mean anything by it but im immediately overthinking #tulip.rains #i need to go back to therapy dont i fucking shit

[blossomkoushi]

ive been so l o w today i cant

#im not even sad theres just nothing #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

what is so offensive about my body huh 🧍‍♀️ genuinely dont understand

#getting fatphobic comments on tiktok <333 #bestie im just doing a cute trend whats the problem #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

my hs friend and i were studying at the library today and we started talking abt friends and stuff and i mentioned how i barely talk to our other hs friend and then he asked who i hang out with them and i had to awkwardly just be like,,,, you,,,,, and these two other girls sometimes??

anyway it was fine then but now its 11pm and i want to cry my eyes out

#im pathetic! #:D #anxiety depression and the pandemic had fully fucked over my life #i was crying abt this in therapy on Monday too so like 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 #fun stuff #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

its midnightttt happy one year anniversary to me getting my heart broken :)

#absolutely shattered and stomped on lol #honestly fuck you [redacted] #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

i hate having class in person i hate it i hate it i hate it

#its just a full day of me being alone around people #i want to cry 🤡 #i need to get a therapist appointment #im not even that anxious anymore i just dont know what to do #tulip.rains

[blossomkoushi]

im struggling 🤠

#rant warning #im just. i dont know #what if im aroace #99% sure im not but im just having such a hard time imagining being in a relationship #i have no idea what its like #genuinely no irl experience #and i know i know im young and only 20 but listen #a classmate of mine is moving in with her girlfriend #i cannot imagine being that comfortable with anyone and its making me sad #and???? kissing?????? #i want it but also i cannot imagine it #the closest ive gotten is the guy i was on a date with #and i said that i didnt want to kiss him so like #whelp there goes my one chance maybe #its honestly the combination of feeling like no one is going to see me and want to kiss me #and that im not sure if im capable of loving #idk. im sad. im gonna sleep #tulip.rains