#trekking into deeper Brooklyn to feed some cats and a gecko and that will take hours

[totopopopo]

Feeling terrible as usual

#it’s 4am I haven’t gone to bed yet I’ve just wasted another night doing absolutely nothing #I have a job interview at 9am tomorrow #possibly #I don’t actually know if I do! the lady didn’t confirm and I wasn’t sent a link but it was suggested #I don’t even want this stupid job #I don’t even want a JOB I don’t want a job I don’t want to fucking. enter spreadsheets for 9 hours a day every day of the week for the next #two years!!!!!!!!!! I don’t WANT that!!!!!!! #I want to write !!!!! I want to create I want to work on my own projects I want to spend time with my friends I want to take classes !!!!!!! #but now I’m a stupid adult or whatever I need a fucking job because I need fucking money because I need to be able to pay rent #I hate it!!!!!! I hate this !!!!!!!!!!! I hate being TRAPPED in this stupid fucking world !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and I don’t even know if I have this stupid job interview at 9am but I should wake up at 8 anyways just in case AND I have to spend the day #trekking into deeper Brooklyn to feed some cats and a gecko and that will take hours #and I have to start packing bc I move like next week which I can’t even think about without feeling nauseous #and I don’t even know where to start w that #and i wanted to actually get writing done to enter a stupid thing. but the deadline for that is way too soon and I don’t have time to write #on top of moving and job stuff. I don’t have time to do the one thing I want to do full time because I can’t fucking afford it. #and also I want to do art really bad but again. my stupid iPad is broken so I literally can’t. #so I’ve just been awake for NO REASON and it’s 4am!!!!!!!! and I have NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT!!!!!!! and I have to wake up in 4 hours!!!!!!!! #and I’m wasting the few days I have left here doing NOTHING THAT I WANT TO BE DOING #not that there’s even anything I WANt to do because EVERYTHING is fucking horrible and everything I do no matter what it is #it’s a fucking waste of time. #I am wasting time my life is a fucking waste of time #also I should PROBABLY talk to someone abt how I’ve been experiencing. more weird psychosis type bullshit recently !!!!!! #but ‘someone’ would be a doctor and I don’t HAVE one of those despite the fact that I’ve been TRYING TO GET ONE FOR FOUR MONTHS #they’re just all busy!!! and either aren’t taking new clients or don’t take insurance !!!!!!!!!!! sooooooooooooooooo #but it doesn’t even matter because even if I were medicated even if I were on anti depressants even if I werent experiencing weird delusions #it STILL wouldn’t be fine. I’d still have to waste my life doing a job I don’t want to be doing to afford to live in an apartment. I’d still #be trapped in a fucking capitalist hellscape. the world would still be ending. nothing would be fine. no matter what I do life is still bad. #like that’s what’s so depressing is the issue isn’t my brain it’s not me it’s the WORLD and that’s something that can’t be cured that means #I’ll feel like this forever and nothing can change that no amount of meds no nothing will change the fact that life is fucking terrible